The Evster highlights some of Tim McCarver's best Tim McCarverisms

The Evster highlights some of Tim McCarver's best Tim McCarverisms

Broadcasting SUPER LEGEND Tim McCarver is retiring after this World Series, which means we only have a few more games to soak in his greatness. As of now, it is unclear who Fox will bring on as next season's color analyst. Rumor has it they're grooming John Smoltz to take over, while other reports say they're leaning towards replacing McCarver with a giant bowl of fried clams. Either way, the man has been on fire this postseason, spewing nonstop drivel along the way and inspiring me to jot down some of his most memorable quotes.

MCCARVS: Lance Berkman being out of baseball just doesn’t seem right.

You know what doesn't seem right, Tim? The fact that you make millions of dollars a year while the guy who lives in my dumpster spends his days trying to eat his own foot. And even though every morning that guy tells me I'm a "dirty, dirty dickwad," he's still way more enjoyable to listen to.

And also quite perceptive.

JOE BUCK: Tim, you've been around the game for 55 years, what do you think of the Cardinals six-foot-five, 22-year-old right-hander, Michael Wacha?

MCCARVS: [chuckling] I think what you think I think.

Oh, McCarver, we just know you so well. Why even bother to ask him questions, Joe Buck? Why even bother to ask? Don't waste McCarver's time. What do you think it's his JOB to talk to you? FIFTY-FIVE YEARS AROUND THE GAME, JOE BUCK (and only 50 of those years were spent in full squatting position). I think you know what he thinks. We all know! That he'd love to take a squat behind the plate just one more time and dangle his little fingers for Michael Wacha. Just kneeling back there, with his knees bent, and his butt hovering above the dirt, staring into Wacha's eyes, teasing him, playing a little game of cat and mouse with the third base coach, I honestly have no idea what I'm talking about right now.

Imagine someone else in a different line of work answering a question in that very same way.

"Boss, what do you think of the agenda I prepared for today's meeting?"

I think what you think I think.

"That it's a piece of shit? That I'm a horrible employee who threw it together five minutes before our meeting? That I spent all morning staring at the new secretary's Instagram instead of doing my work? That I seriously considered, like SERIOUSLY CONSIDERED, burning down this entire office building just so I could get out of this meeting? 'Cuz that's what I think you think. Is that what you think?"

JOE BUCK: Take a look at this stat, folks: John Lackey's ERA is almost two points lower in games pitched at Fenway versus games he's pitched on the road.

MCCARVS: That's one of those statistics that's very easy to understand, Joe. And I'll tell you why after this pitch.

OH MCCARVER PLEASE TELL US NOW. Please! We can't possibly wait 'til after the pitch. Throw the ball, John Lackey! THROW IT! I need to have this stat explained to me! Even though it's very easy to understand, I am an absolute moron and need to have things told to me in a very slow and concise manner by people who have been in the game for over FIFTY-FIVE YEARS. I don't know how this guy could possibly have a better ERA at home than on the road. Good God, Lackey, stop stepping off the rubber and pitch the ball! PITCH THE BALL, LACKEY!!! PITCH DA BALLLLLLLLLLL!!!! FIFTY-FIVE YEARSSSSSS!!!!

JOE BUCK: Did you know Michael Wacha actually has a milkshake named after him?

MCCARVS: I don't think I've ever heard of anyone having a milkshake named after them.

Okay. Okay. At first this seems ridiculous, it really does, everyone could name SOMEONE who has a milkshake named after them, but after thinking about it for a while, I too was unable to come up with a person. I'm sure there are many, many people who have, I just can't come up with any off the top of my head. Still, I've certainly HEARD of people having milkshakes named after them. It's not like that's too foreign of a concept to wrap my head around. And I know it's not McCarver's job to talk about milkshakes, but why couldn't he have at least continued the conversation? I'd much prefer to hear two guys talk about milkshakes than why the Cardinals aren't playing at double play depth. All McCarvs had to do was say something like, "You know, Joe, I got a milkshake yesterday and it cost me $6.75. That's crazy, right? Are we really at a point in our society where paying $6.75 for a milkshake is acceptable? Let's break it down: a milkshake gives you, what? Three scoops of ice cream? That's like $4 right there, then maybe throw in another $0.50 worth of milk, another $1 for labor -- and really, c'mon, labor? You stick the ice cream under the mixer, Joe, that's hardly labor. I'll tell you about labor, squatting down to catch Bob Gibson for nine innings, that's hard labor. Gibby once once threw a ball right at my tits, Joe, right at my tits. And it wasn't even during a game, it was at an italian joint in Milwaukee. You know what it's like to catch a Gibson fastball right between your tits, Joe? Of course you don't, your daddy spoon-fed you as a child. $6.75? I ain't paying it. And don't get me started on Rao's tomato sauce. $9 a jar? I mean, it's good stuff, don't get me wrong, but $9? C'mon, Joe. God I miss Lance Berkman."

MCCARVS: When you work a count from 0-2 to a walk, that’s … well that's ... that's a good at bat.

Thanks, McCarvs.

Here's something to think about: this is 2013, and we can watch pretty much any sporting event we want on our telephones. If we wanna listen to a game in Spanish, we click a button and boom, vamanos. If we wanna watch a movie and have if feel like laser beams are being blasted up our noses, bang, IMAX. But how is it that televisions do not have a feature that allows us to mute sports commentators? We don't need those guys talking to us for three straight hours and we certainly don't need them reading promos for My Two Dads. Can't we just listen the sounds of the game -- like we're at the ball park -- hearing the pop of the catcher's mitt, the peanut guy yelling, the chatter of the fans? It's 2013. We have websites devoted to apple sauce for crying out loud. My Two Dads was honestly the worst show ever.

MCCARVS: The thing that’s impressive about Carlos Martinez, obviously it’s his finish, but it’s his freedom of movement of the arm … unencumbered.

Okay that's complete and total nonsense. And why it obvious that his finish is impressive? And what does that even mean?!?! The thing that's truly impressive about Carlos Martinez is his hair. Not quite a Jheri curl. Not quite a fro. But totally unstoppable.

MCCARVS:  Lackey is pitching Freese away, and Freese is fouling balls off to the right.

Thank you oh wise wizard of baseball. How could we possibly tell what was going on in this game without you?

RIP Tim McCarver.

RIP Lou Reed.

RIP reasonably-priced milkshakes.

If you want more McCarver, buy his CD, "Tim McCarver Sings Selections from the Great American Songbook" here. Or you want more Evster, follow him on Twitter @TVMWW. Or if you want to see a picture of a squirrel wearing a Cardinals helmet, click here. That's prolly the better move anyway. 

MLB Notes: White Sox scratch Chris Sale after 'clubhouse incident'

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USA Today Images

MLB Notes: White Sox scratch Chris Sale after 'clubhouse incident'

CHICAGO -- Chicago White Sox ace Chris Sale has been scratched from his start against the Detroit Tigers after he was involved in what the team says was a "non-physical clubhouse incident."

The White Sox declined to describe the incident, but said it's "currently under further investigation by the club" and that Sale was sent home from the park.

The move was announced less than a half hour before Saturday's game. Sale was going to attempt to become the first 15-game winner in the majors.

The White Sox planned to use multiple relievers in his place. The start of the game was delayed by rain.

With the White Sox fading from playoff contention, Sale's name has been mentioned as a possible trade target for contending teams.

The left-hander is 14-3 with a 3.18 ERA.

TWINS: Suzuki leaves game after taking foul ball off mask
BOSTON -- Minnesota Twins catcher Kurt Suzuki left Saturday night's game against the Boston Red Sox in the second inning after getting hit in the mask with a foul ball.

Suzuki appeared to have a cut on his chin as he walked to the dugout with a team trainer.

Boston's Dustin Pedroia was at the plate and fouled one off the catcher.

Suzuki was replaced by Juan Centeno.

PADRES: Cuban prospect signs deal with $7 million signing bonus
WASHINGTON -- Top Cuban prospect Jorge Ona and the San Diego Padres have agreed to a minor league contract with a $7 million signing bonus.

The 19-year-old outfielder receives $4.9 million within 30 days of the deal's approval by the commissioner's office and $2.1 million on Jan. 15. The deal is pending a physical.

Ona was ranked as the No. 8 international prospect of the 2016 class by MLB.com and the fourth-best available Cuban player earlier this year by Baseball America.

General manager A.J. Preller said during a conference call Friday that the contract is for 2017. He hopes Ona will play in the fall instructional league and then report for spring training and start his pro career next season.

Instant Replay: Pirates 7, Phillies 4

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Associated Press

Instant Replay: Pirates 7, Phillies 4

BOX SCORE

PITTSBURGH -- Gregory Polanco and David Freese hit two-run singles during a five-run fifth inning to rally the Pittsburgh Pirates to a 7-4 victory over the Phillies on Saturday at PNC Park.

Polanco’s hit put the Pirates ahead 4-3 and chased starter Aaron Nola. Freese’s hit off Severino Gonzalez pushed the lead to three runs and Francisco Cervelli capped the inning with a sacrifice fly as Pittsburgh won for the fourth time in six games.

Nola (5-9) allowed six runs in four-plus innings to take the loss. Center fielder Odubel Herrera went 3 for 4 with a triple as the Phillies outhit the Pirates, 12-7.

Catcher Cameron Rupp left the game in the third inning after being struck in the left ear flap of his helmet by a pitch from Pirates rookie right-hander Tyler Glasnow (see story). Rupp was found to have no concussion symptoms.

Starting pitching report
The bad Nola returned after pitching six scoreless innings in his previous outing Monday against the Miami Marlins. Prior to shutting down the Marlins, Nola allowed a combined 30 runs in five starts while failing to get past the fourth inning four times.

On Saturday, Nola gave up six hits, walked two and struck out five. He needed 80 pitches to get 12 outs.

Nola’s clunker came after Phillies starters allowed no more than one run or five hits in four of the previous five games. On Friday night in the opener of the three-game series in Pittsburgh, rookie right-hander Zach Elfin pitched a three-hitter for his first career shutout in the Phillies’ 4-0 victory over the Pirates.

At the plate
Herrera is 6 for 9 in the first two games of the series after going 4 for 41 in his previous 11 games. He tripled in the sixth inning and scored the game’s last run on a single by Andres Blanco.

Cesar Hernandez hit a pair of RBI singles and was one of four Phillies with two hits along with Blanco, Tommy Joseph and Carlos Ruiz, the last of whom took over behind the plate for Rupp. Joseph also hit an RBI single.

The Phillies held a 12-8 edge in hits.

Up next
The Phillies finish their three-game series with the Pirates at 1:35 p.m. Sunday then open a three-game series against the Marlins on Monday night at Miami.

The projected starters for the next four days:

Sunday afternoon --- RHP Vince Velasquez (8-2, 3.15) vs. RHP Jameson Taillon (2-1, 3.44)

Monday night --- RHP Jeremy Hellickson (7-7, 3.84) vs. LHP Wei-Yin Chen (5-4, 4.99)

Tuesday night --- RHP Jerad Eickhoff (6-11, 3.98) vs. RHP Tom Koehler (7-8, 4.42)

Wednesday afternoon --- RHP Zach Eflin (3-3, 3.40) vs. LHP Adam Conley (6-5, 3.58)

Former Flyers defenseman Luke Schenn signs 2-year deal with Coyotes

Former Flyers defenseman Luke Schenn signs 2-year deal with Coyotes

GLENDALE, Ariz. -- The Arizona Coyotes have signed former Flyers defenseman Luke Schenn to a two-year contract.

The 26-year-old defenseman had four goals and 12 assists in 72 games with the Flyers and Los Angeles Kings last season. Schenn and Vinny Lecavalier were traded by the Flyers to the Kings last January in exchange for Jordan Weal and a third-round draft pick in last month's entry draft.

In his career, Schenn has 28 goals and 100 assists in 566 games with the Kings, Flyers and Toronto Maple Leafs. In three-plus seasons with the Flyers, Schenn scored 12 goals and added 30 assists.

Schenn was the first-round draft pick - fifth selection overall - by the Maple Leafs in 2008.

Coyotes general manager John Chayka called Schenn "a good, young defenseman" who will be "a solid addition" to the Arizona blue line.

- CSNPhilly.com contributed to this story.