The Evster highlights some of Tim McCarver's best Tim McCarverisms

The Evster highlights some of Tim McCarver's best Tim McCarverisms

Broadcasting SUPER LEGEND Tim McCarver is retiring after this World Series, which means we only have a few more games to soak in his greatness. As of now, it is unclear who Fox will bring on as next season's color analyst. Rumor has it they're grooming John Smoltz to take over, while other reports say they're leaning towards replacing McCarver with a giant bowl of fried clams. Either way, the man has been on fire this postseason, spewing nonstop drivel along the way and inspiring me to jot down some of his most memorable quotes.

MCCARVS: Lance Berkman being out of baseball just doesn’t seem right.

You know what doesn't seem right, Tim? The fact that you make millions of dollars a year while the guy who lives in my dumpster spends his days trying to eat his own foot. And even though every morning that guy tells me I'm a "dirty, dirty dickwad," he's still way more enjoyable to listen to.

And also quite perceptive.

JOE BUCK: Tim, you've been around the game for 55 years, what do you think of the Cardinals six-foot-five, 22-year-old right-hander, Michael Wacha?

MCCARVS: [chuckling] I think what you think I think.

Oh, McCarver, we just know you so well. Why even bother to ask him questions, Joe Buck? Why even bother to ask? Don't waste McCarver's time. What do you think it's his JOB to talk to you? FIFTY-FIVE YEARS AROUND THE GAME, JOE BUCK (and only 50 of those years were spent in full squatting position). I think you know what he thinks. We all know! That he'd love to take a squat behind the plate just one more time and dangle his little fingers for Michael Wacha. Just kneeling back there, with his knees bent, and his butt hovering above the dirt, staring into Wacha's eyes, teasing him, playing a little game of cat and mouse with the third base coach, I honestly have no idea what I'm talking about right now.

Imagine someone else in a different line of work answering a question in that very same way.

"Boss, what do you think of the agenda I prepared for today's meeting?"

I think what you think I think.

"That it's a piece of shit? That I'm a horrible employee who threw it together five minutes before our meeting? That I spent all morning staring at the new secretary's Instagram instead of doing my work? That I seriously considered, like SERIOUSLY CONSIDERED, burning down this entire office building just so I could get out of this meeting? 'Cuz that's what I think you think. Is that what you think?"

JOE BUCK: Take a look at this stat, folks: John Lackey's ERA is almost two points lower in games pitched at Fenway versus games he's pitched on the road.

MCCARVS: That's one of those statistics that's very easy to understand, Joe. And I'll tell you why after this pitch.

OH MCCARVER PLEASE TELL US NOW. Please! We can't possibly wait 'til after the pitch. Throw the ball, John Lackey! THROW IT! I need to have this stat explained to me! Even though it's very easy to understand, I am an absolute moron and need to have things told to me in a very slow and concise manner by people who have been in the game for over FIFTY-FIVE YEARS. I don't know how this guy could possibly have a better ERA at home than on the road. Good God, Lackey, stop stepping off the rubber and pitch the ball! PITCH THE BALL, LACKEY!!! PITCH DA BALLLLLLLLLLL!!!! FIFTY-FIVE YEARSSSSSS!!!!

JOE BUCK: Did you know Michael Wacha actually has a milkshake named after him?

MCCARVS: I don't think I've ever heard of anyone having a milkshake named after them.

Okay. Okay. At first this seems ridiculous, it really does, everyone could name SOMEONE who has a milkshake named after them, but after thinking about it for a while, I too was unable to come up with a person. I'm sure there are many, many people who have, I just can't come up with any off the top of my head. Still, I've certainly HEARD of people having milkshakes named after them. It's not like that's too foreign of a concept to wrap my head around. And I know it's not McCarver's job to talk about milkshakes, but why couldn't he have at least continued the conversation? I'd much prefer to hear two guys talk about milkshakes than why the Cardinals aren't playing at double play depth. All McCarvs had to do was say something like, "You know, Joe, I got a milkshake yesterday and it cost me $6.75. That's crazy, right? Are we really at a point in our society where paying $6.75 for a milkshake is acceptable? Let's break it down: a milkshake gives you, what? Three scoops of ice cream? That's like $4 right there, then maybe throw in another $0.50 worth of milk, another $1 for labor -- and really, c'mon, labor? You stick the ice cream under the mixer, Joe, that's hardly labor. I'll tell you about labor, squatting down to catch Bob Gibson for nine innings, that's hard labor. Gibby once once threw a ball right at my tits, Joe, right at my tits. And it wasn't even during a game, it was at an italian joint in Milwaukee. You know what it's like to catch a Gibson fastball right between your tits, Joe? Of course you don't, your daddy spoon-fed you as a child. $6.75? I ain't paying it. And don't get me started on Rao's tomato sauce. $9 a jar? I mean, it's good stuff, don't get me wrong, but $9? C'mon, Joe. God I miss Lance Berkman."

MCCARVS: When you work a count from 0-2 to a walk, that’s … well that's ... that's a good at bat.

Thanks, McCarvs.

Here's something to think about: this is 2013, and we can watch pretty much any sporting event we want on our telephones. If we wanna listen to a game in Spanish, we click a button and boom, vamanos. If we wanna watch a movie and have if feel like laser beams are being blasted up our noses, bang, IMAX. But how is it that televisions do not have a feature that allows us to mute sports commentators? We don't need those guys talking to us for three straight hours and we certainly don't need them reading promos for My Two Dads. Can't we just listen the sounds of the game -- like we're at the ball park -- hearing the pop of the catcher's mitt, the peanut guy yelling, the chatter of the fans? It's 2013. We have websites devoted to apple sauce for crying out loud. My Two Dads was honestly the worst show ever.

MCCARVS: The thing that’s impressive about Carlos Martinez, obviously it’s his finish, but it’s his freedom of movement of the arm … unencumbered.

Okay that's complete and total nonsense. And why it obvious that his finish is impressive? And what does that even mean?!?! The thing that's truly impressive about Carlos Martinez is his hair. Not quite a Jheri curl. Not quite a fro. But totally unstoppable.

MCCARVS:  Lackey is pitching Freese away, and Freese is fouling balls off to the right.

Thank you oh wise wizard of baseball. How could we possibly tell what was going on in this game without you?

RIP Tim McCarver.

RIP Lou Reed.

RIP reasonably-priced milkshakes.

If you want more McCarver, buy his CD, "Tim McCarver Sings Selections from the Great American Songbook" here. Or you want more Evster, follow him on Twitter @TVMWW. Or if you want to see a picture of a squirrel wearing a Cardinals helmet, click here. That's prolly the better move anyway. 

Best of NHL: Crosby scores league-leading 28th goal in win vs. Bruins

Best of NHL: Crosby scores league-leading 28th goal in win vs. Bruins

PITTSBURGH -- Conor Sheary scored two goals, Sidney Crosby added his league-leading 28th and the Pittsburgh Penguins won their fourth straight game, 5-1 over the Boston Bruins 5-1 on Sunday.

Pittsburgh led 2-1 through two periods before breaking out in the third with three goals in a span of 2 minutes, 57 seconds.

Sheary scored his 17th and has nine goals in nine games. Bryan Rust added his 12th and Patric Hornqvist his 11th for the Penguins, who won a season-high seventh straight at home. Pittsburgh the NHL's best home team, is 13-0-1 in its last 14 home games.

Evgeni Malkin had two assists for a season-best seven-game point streak. Crosby added two assists for a three-point game. Matt Murray made 44 saves to win his fourth straight game.

David Krejci scored his 11th for the Bruins, who have lost four straight and five of their last six (see full recap).

Rangers shut out Red Wings in 1-0 OT win
DETROIT -- J.T. Miller scored at 1:56 of overtime to lift the New York Rangers to a 1-0 victory over the Detroit Red Wings on Sunday.

Henrik Lundqvist made 21 saves for his second shutout of the season and 61st of his career. The Rangers managed only 19 shots in a game that featured few memorable chances by either team.

The winner came when Mats Zuccarello and Miller swooped in alone on Detroit goalie Jared Coreau. Zuccarello made a simple pass to Miller, who lifted the puck over Coreau for his 16th goal of the season.

Detroit defenseman Niklas Kronwall played for the first time since Jan. 4, returning from a lower-body injury. The Red Wings put forward Drew Miller on waivers (see full recap).

Atikinson lifts Jackets over Senators in wild OT win
OTTAWA, Ontario -- Cam Atkinson's second goal of the game at 1:09 of overtime lifted the Columbus Blue Jackets a 7-6 win over the Ottawa Senators on Sunday night.

Atkinson had a breakaway after a shot by Senators captain Erik Karlsson missed the Columbus net and went around the boards out to Atkinson, who was at center-ice.

The Blue Jackets trailed 5-3 after two periods before Lukas Sedlak and Matt Calvert scored 31 seconds apart to tie it less than 2 1/2 minutes into the third. Atklnson then gave Columbus a 6-5 lead with 9:10 remaining, before Kyle Turries tied it for Ottawa on the power play less than 2 minutes later.

Nick Foligno, Scott Harrington and Zach Werenski also scored for the Blue Jackets, and Joonas Korpisalo finished with 28 saves.

Zach Smith and Mike Hoffman each had two goals and Mark Stone also scored for the Senators. Mike Condon had 22 saves (see full recap).

Best of NBA: Lakers suffer worst loss in team history

Best of NBA: Lakers suffer worst loss in team history

DALLAS -- Dirk Nowitzki and the Dallas Mavericks had something to prove on Sunday following two straight tough losses.

Coming off a three-point effort in an overtime loss on Friday, Nowitzki scored all 13 of his points in the first half and Dallas gave the Los Angeles Lakers the worst loss in their history, 122-73.

"We didn't show up to play," Lakers coach Luke Walton said. "It's embarrassing for us as a team and for us as an organization. The effort just wasn't there tonight, which I don't understand."

The 49-point defeat just edged Los Angeles' two previous worst losses at 48 points, most recently 123-75 at Utah on March 28, 2016.

The Mavericks' winning margin was the third-largest in their history.

It was Dallas' 13th straight win over the Lakers, who have lost six of their last seven games overall (see full recap).

Curry, Thompson each hit 7 3s, Warriors pull away from Magic
ORLANDO, Fla. -- Stephen Curry and Klay Thompson each hit seven 3-pointers and the Golden State Warriors won their seventh straight game, beating the Orlando Magic 118-98 on Sunday.

Tied at the half, the Warriors woke up from West Coast time in the second half to pull away. This was the first Eastern time zone noon tip for them since 1995, when they lost by 34 points in Orlando.

Curry went 7 for 13 on 3s and scored 27 points while Thompson as 7 for 9 from behind the arc and had 21 points. The Warriors shot 19 of 42 overall from 3-point range while the Magic went 7 for 28.

After trailing by 11 in the first half and committing a dozen turnovers, the Warriors went into the break even at 50. Curry hit four 3s and had 14 points in the third quarter as the Warriors outscored the Magic 42-24 (see full recap).

Bledsoe's career day leads Suns over Raptors 115-103
TORONTO -- Eric Bledsoe scored a career-high 40 points and had 13 assists and the Phoenix Suns handed the Toronto Raptors their third straight loss, 115-103 on Sunday night.

Bledsoe was 11 of 17 from the floor, including 4 of 7 from 3-point range, and Devin Booker added 20 points as the Suns won their second straight road game following Saturday's win at New York. The victory also completed a season sweep of the Raptors for the first time since 2013-14 and improved Phoenix to 11-6 against Eastern Conference teams this season.

DeMar DeRozan had 22 points for Toronto and Jonas Valanciunas added 16 points and 12 rebounds for his 17th double-double of the season. It's the first time the Raptors have lost three straight since Nov. 6-10, 2015.

Kyle Lowry was ejected with 1:30 left after a flagrant-two foul following contact with the head of Brandon Knight. It capped a night to forget for Lowry, who had 15 points but shot just 5 of 17, including 1 of 9 from 3-point range (see full recap).

Towns carries Wolves past Nuggets, 111-108
MINNEAPOLIS -- Karl-Anthony Towns had 32 points, 12 rebounds and seven assists and hit the go-ahead shot with 42.5 seconds to play to lead the Minnesota Timberwolves to a 111-108 victory over the Denver Nuggets on Sunday night.

Towns hit 13 of 19 shots and also had four blocks and Andrew Wiggins scored 24 points in Minnesota's fourth straight home win. Shabazz Muhammad scored 20 points off the bench and the Wolves rallied from nine points down midway through the fourth quarter for the win.

Gary Harris scored 22 points and Nikola Jokic had 18 points and eight rebounds for the Nuggets on the second night of a back-to-back. Wilson Chandler and Jamal Murray added 17 points each for Denver, which played without Emmanuel Mudiay because of a sore back.

Kris Dunn had 10 points and nine assists for the Wolves while starting for Ricky Rubio, who missed the game to attend his grandmother's funeral (see full recap).