The Evster Kicks Ryan Braun Out of the Tribe

The Evster Kicks Ryan Braun Out of the Tribe

I don't think you realize how devastating this whole Ryan Braun steroids thing is to Jewish people. To most non-Jews, it was just "another dude on PEDs" and doesn't matter because "the Milwaukee Brewers aren't even a real team" and another reminder that "I have to go to the dentist". But to an entire population of people whose greatest athletic achievement revolves around Corey Pavin's sweater vest collection, it was the ultimate kick in the pants.

And don't talk to me about Sandy Koufax! All us Jews have heard enough about Sandy Koufax! We're all very proud of Uncle Sandy thank you very much but dude hasn't painted a corner since the Johnson administration. And Hank Greenberg, yeah he was cool, probably as cool as you could be with a last name like Greenberg, but I'm not entirely convinced he wasn't juicing either. The guy had forearms like a mule. He might have actually been a mule. Sports medicine wasn't really a thing back in the 30s, so there's a very good chance that Hank Greenberg was in fact a mule. Ryan Braun though? Not a mule ... good-looking ... or at least not mule-looking ... Home Run Champ! ... MVP! ... Rookie of the OMG do you know who he's engaged to?!

Now that Braun's suspended for the year, we're left to cheer on Ian Kinsler as our best active Jewish ballplayer. Do you have any idea what it's like when a guy hitting TWO EIGHTY EIGHT is the best you've got? Remember in the 80s when you PRAYED that Von Hayes could get his average above .300 so that mayyyyybbbbeeee he could get his stupid name in the league leaders column? That's what it's like. Ugh, his hair was horrible. There's also Jason Marquis (who just had Tommy John surgery!) and Kevin Youkilis, known best for that ridiculous batting stance I mean seriously what are you doing dude just put your damn hands together and ugh, that goatee. Embarrassing.

Sue Birdenberg

Basketball's even worse. Amar'e doesn't count (but if he did, OH, BUT IF HE DID), no living person has ever seen Dolph Schayes play, and Omri Casspi straight up suckssssssss. So it basically comes down to Sue Bird. Not that I'm complaining about Sue Bird, I love Sue Bird -- as a player, not as a sex object (but also as a sex object) -- but c'monnnnnnnnnnn.

Football? Wanna talk football? Lyle Alzado is another guilt-ridden Jew who was all 'roided up. There's Sid Luckman, who was a phenomenal quarterback in an era when no one threw the ball. And the two-headed monster Dolphins QB Combo Platter of Jay Fiedler and Sage Rosenfels, who very well could be the same person. Also, I'm not kidding, there used to be an offensive lineman for the Cleveland Browns whose name is ... and I'm being 100% dead serious here ... are you ready for it ... this is real ... his name was ... Lennie ... Friedman.

LENNIE FRIEDMAN.

HIS NAME WAS LENNIE FRIEDMAN.

FIRST NAME LENNIE.

LAST NAME FRIEDMAN.

NO COOL PERSON IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD HAS EVER BEEN NAMED LENNIE FRIEDMAN.

Swimming though, we've got some great swimmers! Dara Torres, Jason Lezak and MARK SPITZENBERG. But then again, swimming! This might be a good time to mention that Olympic Gymnast Mitch Gaylord is Jewish. Then there's Goldberg, the wrestler, who was a fantastic champion in a sport centered around the wonderful world of make believe.

Bonkers

In The Bleacher Report's list of the 25 Greatest Jewish Athletes of All-Time, #13 was Marty Hogan, A RACQUETBALL PLAYER. Now don't get me wrong, racquetball is intense, but I guarantee you that the 13th guy on the bench of the 1990 UNLV Runnin' Rebels was a far better athlete than Marty "Blue Balls" Hogan.

And I'm not trying to disrespect racquetball, I'm really not. That sport is bonkers. I played last week with a friend and almost died. At first I thought I was going to die from a good ole fashioned backhand to the throat, but turns out the easiest way to die on the court is heart palpitations. You know those movies from the 80s where some hot shot Wall Street exec invites the sweet, young up-and-comer to play racquetball in an attempt to humiliate him and let him know who's boss? That was me, except in the movies, the young guy who struggles at the start eventually gets his wind, figures out the angles and ends up giving his boss a run for his money. The longer I played the more time I spent doubled over in the corner, weeping. When I wasn't chasing after balls and bashing into solid plaster walls, I was chasing after balls and bashing into solid plate glass windows. Later, after taking a shower in the locker room, I didn't realize LA Fitness is B.Y.O.TOWEL, so I had to dry myself off with my shoe. I also witnessed an old Asian dude blow dry every part of his body besides his full head of hair, even going so far as to PUT HIS FOOT UP ON THE SINK to dry off his nibblers.

He was very agile, this Asian fella, very agile.

What was this post about again?

Right, Ryan Braun.

The thing is, yeah, we love controlling Hollywood, and dominating the comedy scene, and the Beastie Boys have done more for our people than Moses himself, but sports, everyone just wants to be good at sports. When you're good at sports, people like you. Chicks wanna bang you. Dudes give you dap. As I sit here at my cubicle, typing on this stupid computer while my co-worker Lorraine talks into her HANDSFREE HEADSET, I still have to believe that there's no sweeter life to lead than that of an all-star athlete. (Well, except for being a rap star or a giraffe photographer.) And Ryan Braun was doing that, as a Jew, representing an entire nation of scrubs -- and he was actually good! Really good! A lot better than Shawn Green and Mike Lieberthal and he even had potential to be better than -- hold your breath now, Jewish people -- Sandy Koufax.

And there's a gaspppppppppp from the congregation.

Please be seated.

But now Braun is a liar, and a bum, and a disgrace to the chosen people, relegated to the status of just another corny Jewish dude named Ryan. We all know Ryan. He works at his dad's law firm. He has a weirdo kid who he posts pictures of on Facebook. He hangs out in Margate. He sucks at softball.

So the search is on for the next great / decent / somewhat better than mediocre Jewish athlete. It doesn't seem like Jordan Farmar's career is gonna pan out quite the way I once envisioned. And it turns out that Max Scherzer is actually not Jewish (which we should have known by his 14-1 record and 3.14 ERA). I'm starting to think that maybe Amar'e Stoudemire is Jewish? Pretty sure I went to Hebrew school with a guy named Amar'e. Mighta been Ari. Mighta been like 45 different kids named Ari. But did you know that Amar'e is currently an assistant coach for the Canadian Maccabi team? You gotta be pretty friggin' Jewish to wanna hang out with that many other Jewish people. I don't even know what that means, but I'm pretty sure that with a little convincing, Amar'e could easily become my Uncle Ivan's favorite athlete of all time.

Well, except for Sue Bird.

Whose mother is Christian by the way.

Is there any way that one day racquetball becomes one of the four major sports?

How 'bout dentistry?

I cannot tell you, how absolutely ecstatic I am, that Shawn Bradley is a Mormon.

Follow The Evster @TVMWW.

Wideouts Rueben Randle, Chris Givens among 8 players cut by Eagles Sunday

Wideouts Rueben Randle, Chris Givens among 8 players cut by Eagles Sunday

The Eagles released Rueben Randle and Chris Givens on Sunday, ending the brief and disappointing Eagles careers of both veteran wide receivers.

The two receivers were among eight players released by the team on Sunday evening.

Randle caught five passes for 26 yards in the preseason and Givens caught one for 19 yards.

The Eagles tried to bolster their receiver corps by adding the two receivers this offseason, signing Randle to a one-year, $1,025,000 contract and Givens to a one-year $760,000 deal.

Randle got $500,000 guaranteed and Givens $180,000 guaranteed, so the two moves will count $680,000 against the Eagles’ 2016 adjusted salary cap of $161,570,362.

The moves leave the Eagles with eight wide receivers: Jordan Matthews, Nelson Agholor, Dorial Green-Beckham, Josh Huff, Paul Turner, Marcus Johnson, Cayleb Jones and David Watford.

Barring any other personnel moves, Matthews, Agholor, Green-Beckham, Huff and Turner appear headed for the final 53-man roster.

Randle’s decline is fairly astonishing.

Two years ago with the Giants, he caught 71 passes for 938 yards, and last year he caught 57 passes for 797 yards and eight touchdowns. He had four catches of 40 yards or more in 2015, fourth-most in the NFL. In four seasons in New York, he caught 188 passes for 2,644 yards and 20 TDs.

Yet the Giants had no interest in re-signing him. Now the former second-round pick’s career is in jeopardy at the age of 25.

Givens, a fourth-round pick of the Rams in 2012, was with his third team in two years this summer. His once-promising career could be over at the age of 26.

Most notable among the six other players released was offensive tackle Andrew Gardner, who started 11 games in an Eagles uniform.

Gardner, who had also spent time with the Dolphins and Texans, started eight games at right guard and right tackle for the Eagles in 2014 and was the Eagles’ opening-day starter last year at right guard. He suffered a Lisfranc injury in his left foot during a Week 3 game against the Jets at the Meadowlands and missed the rest of the season.

Also released was a member of last year’s draft class, sixth-round pick Randall Evans out of Kansas State. Evans spent most of his rookie season on the practice squad but was activated for the Pat Shurmur season finale against the Giants at the Meadowlands and got into the game on special teams.

The Eagles also released veteran defensive tackle Mike Martin, who played in 46 games for the Titans the last four years, including five starts. Also released were long snapper John DePalma and cornerback Denzel Rice, the latter of who played in five games last year and got 20 defensive snaps in the season finale against the Giants last year.

The Eagles also placed linebacker Joe Walker (knee) and defensive end Alex McCalister (calf), two rookie seventh-round picks, on season-ending Injured Reserve.

Teams have until Tuesday to reduce rosters to 75. The Eagles’ roster is currently at 73, and they have to reduce it to 53 by 4 p.m. next Sunday.

The Eagles finish the preseason on Thursday night at the Linc against the Jets.

Best of MLB: Josh Donaldson mashes 3 home runs to lead Blue Jays past Twins

Best of MLB: Josh Donaldson mashes 3 home runs to lead Blue Jays past Twins

TORONTO -- Josh Donaldson had his first career three-homer game, Troy Tulowitzki also went deep and the Toronto Blue Jays beat the Minnesota Twins 9-6 on Sunday to complete a three-game sweep.

Donaldson hit a solo homer off Kyle Gibson in the second, then delivered a go-ahead, two-run blast off Pat Light (0-1) in the seventh.

Dozens of fans tossed hats onto the field to celebrate the home run hat trick after Donaldson, the AL MVP in 2015, hit a solo shot off Alex Wimmers in the eighth. Groundskeepers and even the Blue Jays mascot helped clear the hats away.

Donaldson's fourth multi-homer game this season and the 10th of his career also marked the 17th three-homer game in the majors this season.

Jose Bautista had his first three-hit game of the season for the AL East-leading Blue Jays.

Minnesota lost its season-worst 10th straight. The Twins have lost seven straight in Toronto.

Scott Feldman (7-4) earned the win by getting two outs in the seventh. Jason Grilli worked the eighth and Roberto Osuna finished (see full recap). 

Pirates win 8th straight on road, sweep Brewers 3-1
MILWAUKEE -- Ivan Nova threw six sharp innings before leaving early because of a hurting left hamstring and the Pittsburgh Pirates hit three solo homers to rally past the Milwaukee Brewers 3-1 on Sunday for their eighth straight road victory.

John Jaso and Gregory Polanco each homered in the sixth off Brewers starter Chase Anderson (7-11) to complete Pittsburgh's first sweep at Miller Park since 2004. Starling Marte added a solo shot in the eighth.

Nova (4-0) retired 10 of his final 11 batters after allowing Jonathan Villar's solo homer in the third. He scattered three hits and struck out four before being pinch hit for in the seventh.

Tony Watson pitched a clean ninth for his 10th save in 13 opportunities (see full recap).

Archer strikes out 10, Rays hit 3 HRs in 10-4 win vs Astros
HOUSTON -- Chris Archer struck out 10 in seven innings, Corey Dickerson hit a three-run homer and the Tampa Bay Rays beat the Houston Astros 10-4 on Sunday.

Matt Duffy and Nick Franklin also went deep for the last-place Rays, who have homered in 21 of their last 24 games.

Houston, in the hunt for an AL wild card, had won three straight.

Archer (8-17) gave up three runs and four hits with two walks. With his strikeout of A.J. Reed in the sixth, the right-hander joined David Price and James Shields as the only Tampa Bay pitchers with multiple 200-strikeout seasons.

The Rays jumped out early against Doug Fister.

Fister (12-9) allowed four runs and seven hits in 4 1/3 innings, the fourth time in his past seven starts he has permitted four or more runs (see full recap). 

Calming presence behind plate, A.J. Ellis provides offensive spark in Phillies' win over Mets

Calming presence behind plate, A.J. Ellis provides offensive spark in Phillies' win over Mets

BOX SCORE

NEW YORK -- A.J. Ellis’ first game as a Phillie certainly went a lot better than Carlos Ruiz’s first game as a Dodger.

Ellis’ first hit with his new club helped the Phils salvage one game of a weekend series with the New York Mets on Sunday afternoon. The Phillies won it, 5-1 (see Instant Replay), behind a solid start from Vince Velasquez, excellent bullpen work and Ellis’ big hit, a tie-breaking, two-run double in the top of the seventh.

The Phillies had lost the first two games of the series by a combined score of 21-5. Their pitchers gave up eight homers in the first two games.

On Sunday, Velasquez and a quartet of relievers held the Mets to seven hits, all singles.

Ellis joined the Phillies just 24 hours earlier after being traded from the Dodgers on Thursday. He had been with that club his whole career.

Ruiz, of course, had been with the Phillies his whole career.

Ruiz’s first game with the Dodgers did not go nearly as smooth. The veteran catcher had trouble handling the pitches of closer Kenley Jansen in the ninth inning Friday night and that contributed to the Dodgers blowing a one-run lead and losing to the Chicago Cubs in 10 innings.

Leaving the Dodgers was difficult and emotional for Ellis. He was able to bury himself in the game Sunday and came away feeling pretty good.

“It’s just great to be playing baseball again,” he said, standing in front of his locker, a blue Dodgers equipment bag (that will soon be swapped out for a Phillies bag) at his feet. “You kind of lose yourself in the competition and then just play again.

“Regardless of what’s happened in the last four days, it feels good to drive in runs, feels good to help put your team ahead and help contribute to a team win.”

During his 24 or so hours with the Phillies, Ellis has immersed himself in learning a new staff of pitchers. He caught starters Jerad Eickhoff and Jake Thompson in the bullpen before Saturday’s game and warmed up several relievers during that game.

On Sunday morning, he arrived at Citi Field, saw his name in the lineup and immediately began prepping to catch Velasquez, the hardest-thrower on the Phillies’ starting staff.

Velasquez bounced back from three poor outings in which he gave up 19 runs in 17 1/3 innings and held a hot Mets lineup to a run over five innings. The only negative was that Velasquez could not pitch deeper into the game because his command was poor and needed 103 pitches to complete the five innings.

Nonetheless, Ellis, who was the personal catcher for Cy Young winner Clayton Kershaw in Los Angeles, liked what he saw of Velasquez.

“His pitch count got elevated the first two innings and he was able to grind through the last three,” Ellis said. “The stuff is electric. He has so many weapons, so many options. When he keeps growing and keeps polishing that gift up, it’s going to be really, really special.

“So I’m excited to be able to continue to work with him, excited to work with him and (pitching coach) Bob McClure and (No. 1 catcher) Cameron Rupp, kind of talk to them about things, things he sees, things we see, and together we can build a plan for him going forward in his career.”

Two things are going to help the 24-year-old Velasquez reach his potential.

First is good health. He’s had arm problems in the past and there remain concerns about his long-term durability. That’s why the Phillies are closely monitoring his workload as this season winds down.

Second is command, control, economy of pitches – whatever you want to call it. Velasquez needs to be more efficient. Too many times he’s left games in the middle innings because of a high pitch count.

“Definitely,” he responded when asked if lowering his pitch counts and working deeper into games was the key to his improvement. “It’s going to help the longevity, it saves the bullpen, it helps out everybody. Not just on my end, but the whole team in general.

“And,” he joked, “then I can also work on my swing by getting some more at-bats.”

Despite the high pitch count, Velasquez walked just one. He struck out seven. He is up to 129 innings for the season. That includes five innings in a rehab game at Double A Reading. The Phillies will look to keep him at about 150 innings for the season. That could be three, four or five more starts, depending on how long the right-hander lasts. He’s averaged just over five innings in his starts this season.

“I think that would be the right move,” Velasquez said of the 150-inning target.