From the Department of No One Could Possibly Even Come Close to Caring About This: the last-place Phils take on the last-place Cubs in a three-game series this weekend at Citizens Bank Park. To spice things up a bit, the Phillies are holding their annual "Retro Weekend" in South Philly featuring a bunch of old-time flizzim flazzem to get people all jazzed up about baseball. There'll be a Jim Bunning tribute on Father's Day, Art Garfunkel aka Big Poppa Garf will sing the national anthem, and both teams will wear 1964 throwback uniforms while sucking.
So in honor of a weekend of total suck, I spent four hours sucking my own butt Thursday night while searching the internet for some dope retro Phillies stuff.
Here's what I found:
One of the greatest posters of that era, and probably the only legitimately cool thing you’ll find in this post. Obviously the flames are what makes the poster incredible, but Schmidtty and Lefty’s matching spikes & stirrups combo is also a nice touch. Shout out to the massive dent in Lefty’s hat too, and Schmidtty’s bulging forearms/full-right-leg-extenshe a la Kerri Strug.
Brought to you by Shop n Bag!
The star of the 5 Horses is clearly Big Ben Rivera who seems to have borrowed one of Corey Pavin’s sweater vests for the photo shoot. Terry Mulholland also looks verrrrrrryyyyyy comfortable in those ass-less leather chaps, while I’m pretty sure Danny Jackson is rockin' a mid- to full-throttle bone job.
This is not actually a poster, this is a painting -- an oil painting -- painted by an actual human painter who thought it'd be a good idea to paint Jim Eisenreich on a canvas using paint.
Let the record show that this painting sold for $696 according to Robert Edward Auctions. THAT'S SIX NINE SIX, PEOPLE, which to be honest is a total steal. The only knock on this exquisite piece of artwork is the fact that Eisy was painted with no visible nose hairs. Huge oversight by the artist as far as I'm concerned. Someone actually made this. Using paint. And a brush.
Your goddamn right he's The Pride of the Phillies.
Everything about this poster is spot on. From Sammy's trademark smile to the fact that he seems to have no idea what’s going on around him. I love this man so much. He seriously struck out ALL THE TIME.
/hit so many doubles!
For the record there are also Steve Bedrosian and Doug Glanville versions of this poster online because of course there are.
... and bong.
Hey there Charlie Hust!
Ole Double Donut Pete Rose is just puttin’ it all out there, huh? This poster was actually part of a Jockey shorts ad where a bunch of athletes were photographed without their unis on. Pete looks by far the happiest of the bunch. And such hairy forearms!
Jo Jo White looks the most serious...
... while Steve Carlton is easily the most tantric.
I like to think Kevin Mitchell hit into this textbook 6-4-3 double play and then threw down his batting helmet in disgust. Also, big time props to the artist who PERFECTLY captured Matt Williams's likeness sliding into second. His back/shoulder/pack of hot dogs neck is drawn just masterfully. Also loving Morandini's Pony cleats and yes that is one half of a John Chaney bobble head creepin’ into the bottom right corner of the photograph.
For a mere $89.99 this Phanatic Fathead can be yours. (THAT'S $606.01 LESS THAN THE OILY EISY.)
Also I never noticed this before, but I'm 89% certain the Phanatic has diabetes. Look how thick his ankles are! And is he wearing a beret?!?! WHO WANTS TO SHOOT SOME STICK?
I believe you're a dork, Tugger.
OMG I'M KIDDING I LOVE THE TUGGER. Technically not a poster, but I would still pay big bucks (maybe $7?) to have this dork hung up on my wall. But what's up with the last line of the ad? Why wouldn’t a Flyers fan like Phillies franks? Do Flyers fans not like other Philly sports teams/hot dogs? Wouldn’t this ad have made much more sense if it said, “Even if you’re a Mets fan”? Oh my God who cares let’s just go eat and some hot dogs and move on RIP Tugger and your perfectly broken-in belt.
Thighs like what, what, what. And I know, I know, this is technically a Lenny Dykstra Mets poster, but it's still fantastic. Another pair of Pony cleats, too.
All right, enough of these posters. We're all grown adults here. We don't need no stinkin' posters! How 'bout some gear/trinkets/flea market specials that no one could possibly ever have any use for?
My friend Larry had this shirt growing up and he became the first one of my friends to take a chick to the boneyard.
He was 27.
Some absolute lunatic is charging $21.95 on eBay for this "Authentic 1980's Philadelphia Phillies Hat Ball Cap Mesh Retro New RARE" head lice vessel. Pretty sure my mother has around 11 of these in her downstairs closet. Also pretty sure some Fishtown hipster will offer double for it.
Nothing Phillies related here, but these caricature wrist bands from the 80s were unstoppable. I remember first seeing them during that off-season MLB skills challenge -- the one hosted by Joe Gariogiola on NBC-- where there was a home run derby and the dudes got timed going around the bases and the San Diego Chicken ran around trying to pinch everyone's ass. It was so stupid/amazing and I'm pretty sure Eric Davis won every year. I just tried googling "80s MLB Skills Challenge" to see what I could dig up about it and came up with nothin'. I'm now realizing that I might have made the whole thing up in my perverted childhood mind. Whatever.
Speaking of Eric Davis...
Did anyone ELSE imitate his laissez faire batting stance while slappin' out dubbs at Blue Bell Day Camp?!
THAT STANCE WAS SO CASJZ!
Not even sure what this Krukker thing is, but I just bid $9 on it and now I really feel like I should go back and DOUBLE IT.
Just your standard Manny Trillo Canada Dry ginger ale cans.
And Greg Luzinski.
And Jim Lonborg?
STACK EM AND YACK EM.
Thee entire 1975 Fly Guyz!
7 bucks by the by!
Robert Person Upper Deck rookie anybody?
This post is over.
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