The Evster Searches the Internets for the Best Chris Wheeler

The Evster Searches the Internets for the Best Chris Wheeler

Chris Wheeler is obviously not the best broadcaster in the biz (that’d be the “Boom Goes the Dynamite Guy”), but he’s also not the worst (that’d be Tim McCarver). He’s just Chris Wheeler. Just plain ole, normal, not that interesting, perfectly fine, whatever, he’s a white dude, Chris Wheeler.

And it’s not like we expect the Phillies to hire the greatest commentators in the country, but we do at least expect them to employ the greatest Chris Wheeler. So I figured why not do some internet sleuthing to see how the Phillies’ Chris Wheeler stacked up against other Chris Wheelers.

This is Chris Wheeler. A young professional from Seattle who may or may not use product in his hair. It’s hard to tell. He seems like a nice enough guy, has a well-kept beard, some stylish glasses, but what is a Senior Technical Program Manager? That’s a job? He made up that job, didn’t he? Or is that just a fancy title for a computer geek? This guy is definitely a computer geek. A computer geek with over 500 connections on LinkedIn. Who the hell uses LinkedIn??? Ugh, what a dufus. Edge: Phillies Chris Wheeler.

This is ChrisTOPHER Wheeler, PhD, aka Mr. Fancy Pants Look at Me I Like to Spell Out My Whole Name Doctor Guy. A brilliant scientist who specializes in cancer research -- and is probably a wonderful, caring person -- but get over yourself dude with your white coat you think you’re better than me? You think you’re better than me, don’t you? Whatever, no one reads the Journal of Neuro-Oncology, buddy, whereas I know for a fact that literally DOZENS of people read my How To Make Your Own Jersey post. Edge: Phillies Chris Wheeler.

Ohhhhh, baby! Now this, this is a Chris Wheeler. I found this Chris Wheeler on Facebook, and he's obviously a mega cool dude. Forget about his saggy nips and beet-red sunburnt chest, look at this guy’s girlfriend! Good for you, Chris Wheeler! Good for you! I don’t know how you snagged that bathing beaut, but I’m proud of you, buddy! And I see you trying to slide in there and smell her hair! Veteran move, Wheels! Veteran move! Edge: This guy!

Okay.

Okay okay okay okay. Forget about the hair. Just forget about the hair. This Chris Wheeler, or “Wheeler” as his friends call him (found that out on his website, CHRIS WHEELER DOT ORG), gives motivational speeches to Christian youths by “bringing the bible to life.” According to his bio on CHRISWHEELER DOT ORG NOT COM BUT ORG, Wheeler connects with youngsters through his “various sound effects and beat-box skills.” Wow. Deep breath, Evster, deep breath. In through the nose, out through the mouth. Okay. You know what, Chris Wheeler? You know what? Nice job. Edge: Phillies Chris Wheeler.


Here we go. This Chris Wheeler looks dope. A brotha, a filmmaker, a strong Charles Barkley-esque mustache circa 1987, I think I could get on board with Chris Wheeler Films. Check out the passion in Chris Wheeler’s eyes -- looking off into the distance, visualizing his next shot, taking in the crisp, salty ocean air, with a nice clean Hanes crew neck T-shirt underneath that polo jawn. There’s only one problem:

DUDE MAKES WEDDING VIDEOS.

[vimeo w=400&h=300]

You don’t even have to watch that video. I’m not even sure why I embedded it. IT’S SO BORING. There’s only one part worth checkin’ out: at the :45 second mark, the groom tries to take off the bride’s garter, and it’s sort of hot for like three seconds, but then Wheeler (in classic Wheeler fashion!) cuts to a shot of the bride and groom staring off into the distance. Ughhhghhh. Edge: Phillies Chris Wheeler


I’m sure Chris Wheeler’s trip to Europe was very exciting for him. Probably saw some sights, ate some scones, he might’ve even met some hairy women. But I have never, ever, EVER, in my entire life, seen a man with the ability to look so identical in every one of his vacation photos. I guess in the middle photo he’s sort of trying to smile, but I just can’t get behind a dude who wears his sunglasses on the top of his head. I’m sorry, Chris Wheeler, I’m just a horrible person. And you might be the clammiest Chris Wheeler on the planet. Edge: Phillies Chris Wheeler.

Well, there you have it, folks. Phillies Chris Wheeler seems to be better than 5 out of 6 Chris Wheelers. We definitely coulda done worse.

Then again, we definitely coulda done better.

Simply the best.

The Evster writes the blog TV My Wife Watches where he writes about TV his wife watches. He also sometimes writes about sports for us. You can follow him on Twitter @TVMWW, or you could go get yourself a sandwich. That’d probably be the better thing to do. You gotta be starving.

Best of NBA: Nets end 11-game skid by routing Pelicans

Best of NBA: Nets end 11-game skid by routing Pelicans

NEW ORLEANS -- Brook Lopez and Bojan Bogdanovic scored 23 points apiece and the Brooklyn Nets ended an 11-game losing streak, routing the New Orleans Pelicans 143-114 on Friday night.

Caris Levert added 17 points on 6-of-6 shooting for the Nets, who had seven players in double figures while beating their season high for points by 16. Their 29-point victory was 11 more than their previous largest. They also set season highs for points in the second quarter (37) and points in any quarter with 43 in the third.

Anthony Davis led New Orleans with 22 points and nine rebounds despite leaving in the third quarter with a leg injury. The defeat was a huge comedown for him and the Pelicans a day after he was named a starter for the NBA All-Star Game in New Orleans (see full story).

Warriors top Rockets to win 6th straight
HOUSTON -- Kevin Durant scored 32 points and the Golden State Warriors used a big third quarter to build a huge lead and coast to their sixth straight victory, 125-108 over the Houston Rockets on Friday night.

In a matchup of two of the best teams in the Western Conference and All-Star starting guards Stephen Curry and James Harden, the Rockets fell short. Houston, which entered the game leading the NBA with 667 3-pointers, was just 7 of 35 behind the arc. Harden went 0 for 5 and Eric Gordon, who entered the game leading the NBA with 160 3s, missed all seven attempts.

Clint Capela had 22 points and Harden added 17 points with 11 assists for the Rockets, who are third in the West behind Golden State and San Antonio (see full story).

Kemba Walker scores 32 to lead Hornets past Raptors
CHARLOTTE, N.C. -- Kemba Walker scored 32 points on 11-of-16 shooting, and the Charlotte Hornets beat the Toronto Raptors 113-78 on Friday night.

Walker, who came in averaging 23 points and looking to earn his first All-Star selection, scored 16 points in the pivotal third quarter, including a four-point play as the Hornets outscored the Raptors 33-15 to build a 25-point lead.

Walker didn't play at all in the fourth quarter after the Hornets stretched their lead to 30. He finished with eight assists.

Frank Kaminsky had a solid night off the bench for the second straight game, scoring 16 points and grabbing eight rebounds.

Kyle Lowry had 24 points and DeMar DeRozan added 23 points for the Raptors, who have lost two straight (see full story). 

Magic pull away for convincing win over Milwaukee
ORLANDO, Fla. -- Elfrid Payton scored 20 points, Jeff Green added 18 points and seven rebounds off the bench, and the Orlando Magic snapped a three-game losing streak by beating the Milwaukee Bucks 112-96 on Friday night.

The Magic, returning home from a 1-5 road trip, played with a small lineup for much of the night and it provided the offense they needed with two of their top scorers out. Orlando had six players in double figures, including starters Aaron Gordon (17), Serge Ibaka (13) and Nikola Vucevic (13).

Orlando shot 46 percent from the field while limiting the Bucks to 41 percent.Jabari Parker led Milwaukee with 25 points and Giannis Antetokounmpo contributed 17 points and 14 rebounds as the Bucks dropped their fourth straight game (see full story). 

Social media reacts to Mo Williams' career as a Sixer

Social media reacts to Mo Williams' career as a Sixer

It has been a crazy week for former Sixer Mo Williams.
 
Williams retired after last season, but was kept on the Cleveland Cavilers' roster in case his salary would be needed as part of a trade, and he has now been moving all across the NBA.
 
Williams, and the $2.2 million in payroll, was involved in the trade with the Atlanta Hawks for Kyle Korver, then traded to Denver before being waived. The Sixers then joined in and picked up Williams and waived him after less than an hour as they re-signed Chasson Randle to a second 10-day contract (see story)
 
Throughout all of this, social media chimed in on the career Williams had as a Sixer.
 

In 2015, before ultimately choosing the Indianapolis Colts, Frank Gore appeared headed to Philadelphia, so, fans settled the debate over who had a better career in Philly with this poll.