The Evster Searches the Internets for the Best Chris Wheeler

The Evster Searches the Internets for the Best Chris Wheeler

Chris Wheeler is obviously not the best broadcaster in the biz (that’d be the “Boom Goes the Dynamite Guy”), but he’s also not the worst (that’d be Tim McCarver). He’s just Chris Wheeler. Just plain ole, normal, not that interesting, perfectly fine, whatever, he’s a white dude, Chris Wheeler.

And it’s not like we expect the Phillies to hire the greatest commentators in the country, but we do at least expect them to employ the greatest Chris Wheeler. So I figured why not do some internet sleuthing to see how the Phillies’ Chris Wheeler stacked up against other Chris Wheelers.

This is Chris Wheeler. A young professional from Seattle who may or may not use product in his hair. It’s hard to tell. He seems like a nice enough guy, has a well-kept beard, some stylish glasses, but what is a Senior Technical Program Manager? That’s a job? He made up that job, didn’t he? Or is that just a fancy title for a computer geek? This guy is definitely a computer geek. A computer geek with over 500 connections on LinkedIn. Who the hell uses LinkedIn??? Ugh, what a dufus. Edge: Phillies Chris Wheeler.

This is ChrisTOPHER Wheeler, PhD, aka Mr. Fancy Pants Look at Me I Like to Spell Out My Whole Name Doctor Guy. A brilliant scientist who specializes in cancer research -- and is probably a wonderful, caring person -- but get over yourself dude with your white coat you think you’re better than me? You think you’re better than me, don’t you? Whatever, no one reads the Journal of Neuro-Oncology, buddy, whereas I know for a fact that literally DOZENS of people read my How To Make Your Own Jersey post. Edge: Phillies Chris Wheeler.

Ohhhhh, baby! Now this, this is a Chris Wheeler. I found this Chris Wheeler on Facebook, and he's obviously a mega cool dude. Forget about his saggy nips and beet-red sunburnt chest, look at this guy’s girlfriend! Good for you, Chris Wheeler! Good for you! I don’t know how you snagged that bathing beaut, but I’m proud of you, buddy! And I see you trying to slide in there and smell her hair! Veteran move, Wheels! Veteran move! Edge: This guy!

Okay.

Okay okay okay okay. Forget about the hair. Just forget about the hair. This Chris Wheeler, or “Wheeler” as his friends call him (found that out on his website, CHRIS WHEELER DOT ORG), gives motivational speeches to Christian youths by “bringing the bible to life.” According to his bio on CHRISWHEELER DOT ORG NOT COM BUT ORG, Wheeler connects with youngsters through his “various sound effects and beat-box skills.” Wow. Deep breath, Evster, deep breath. In through the nose, out through the mouth. Okay. You know what, Chris Wheeler? You know what? Nice job. Edge: Phillies Chris Wheeler.


Here we go. This Chris Wheeler looks dope. A brotha, a filmmaker, a strong Charles Barkley-esque mustache circa 1987, I think I could get on board with Chris Wheeler Films. Check out the passion in Chris Wheeler’s eyes -- looking off into the distance, visualizing his next shot, taking in the crisp, salty ocean air, with a nice clean Hanes crew neck T-shirt underneath that polo jawn. There’s only one problem:

DUDE MAKES WEDDING VIDEOS.

[vimeo w=400&h=300]

You don’t even have to watch that video. I’m not even sure why I embedded it. IT’S SO BORING. There’s only one part worth checkin’ out: at the :45 second mark, the groom tries to take off the bride’s garter, and it’s sort of hot for like three seconds, but then Wheeler (in classic Wheeler fashion!) cuts to a shot of the bride and groom staring off into the distance. Ughhhghhh. Edge: Phillies Chris Wheeler


I’m sure Chris Wheeler’s trip to Europe was very exciting for him. Probably saw some sights, ate some scones, he might’ve even met some hairy women. But I have never, ever, EVER, in my entire life, seen a man with the ability to look so identical in every one of his vacation photos. I guess in the middle photo he’s sort of trying to smile, but I just can’t get behind a dude who wears his sunglasses on the top of his head. I’m sorry, Chris Wheeler, I’m just a horrible person. And you might be the clammiest Chris Wheeler on the planet. Edge: Phillies Chris Wheeler.

Well, there you have it, folks. Phillies Chris Wheeler seems to be better than 5 out of 6 Chris Wheelers. We definitely coulda done worse.

Then again, we definitely coulda done better.

Simply the best.

The Evster writes the blog TV My Wife Watches where he writes about TV his wife watches. He also sometimes writes about sports for us. You can follow him on Twitter @TVMWW, or you could go get yourself a sandwich. That’d probably be the better thing to do. You gotta be starving.

Best of NBA: Rockets overcome Russell Westbrook's 7th straight triple-double

Best of NBA: Rockets overcome Russell Westbrook's 7th straight triple-double

OKLAHOMA CITY -- James Harden scored 21 points, and the Houston Rockets overcame Russell Westbrook's seventh consecutive triple-double to beat the Oklahoma City Thunder 102-99 on Friday night.

Harden also had 12 assists and nine rebounds to help the Rockets win their fifth straight. Houston withstood Harden's 6-for-23 shooting effort.

Westbrook finished with 27 points, 10 rebounds and 10 assists. He has the longest triple-double streak since Michael Jordan had seven straight in 1989. The most in a row is nine by Philadelphia's Wilt Chamberlain in March 1968.

It was Westbrook's 12th triple-double this season and the 49th of his career. He is the NBA's active leader in the category and ranks sixth all-time.

The Thunder had won the previous six games during Westbrook's triple-double binge (see full story).

James moves into 9th on scoring list as Cavs top Heat
CLEVELAND -- LeBron James scored 27 points to move into ninth place on the NBA scoring list, and the Cleveland Cavaliers defeated the Miami Heat 114-84 on Friday night.

James passed Elvin Hayes on a driving layup with 6:58 remaining and has 27,315 career points. The four-time MVP was removed about a minute later and received a loud ovation from the Cleveland crowd.

Kevin Love, a game-time decision because of back spasms, scored a team-high 28 points and had 15 rebounds for the Cavaliers. He missed the morning shootaround but was in the lineup after warming up on the court about an hour before tip-off.

Kyrie Irving added 23 points for the Cavs, who have won three straight after losing three in a row.

Derrick Williams scored 17 points to lead the short-handed Heat, who have lost four straight (see full story). 

Schroder has career-high 33, Hawks rally past Bucks
MILWAUKEE -- Dennis Schroder scored a career-high 33 points and the Atlanta Hawks rallied from 20 down in the second half to defeat the Milwaukee Bucks 114-110 on Friday night.

Paul Millsap had 23 points and 14 rebounds for Atlanta. Tim Hardaway Jr. scored 18.

The Hawks, who ended a seven-game losing streak Wednesday with a win over Miami, trailed by 20 at halftime. A 40-point third quarter put them back in the game.

Jabari Parker scored 27 for Milwaukee. Giannis Antetokounmpo, in foul trouble throughout the game, had 14.

Atlanta pulled ahead 105-103 on Kyle Korver's jumper with 3:15 remaining, giving the Hawks their first lead since early in the game (see full story). 

Best of NHL: Blue Jackets top Red Wings to notch 5th straight win

Best of NHL: Blue Jackets top Red Wings to notch 5th straight win

DETROIT -- Brandon Dubinsky scored a tiebreaking goal in the second period and the surging Columbus Blue Jackets won their fifth straight game, 4-1 over the Detroit Red Wings on Friday night.

Lukas Sedlak got his first NHL goal for the Blue Jackets, who have earned at least a point in 12 of their last 13 games. Cam Atkinson contributed a short-handed goal in the first period for Columbus.

Dylan Larkin's power-play goal in the second was the only scoring of the night for the Red Wings. Sergei Bobrovsky had 32 saves for the Blue Jackets.

Sam Gagner scored into an empty net with 13.9 seconds remaining (see full story). 

Staal scores in 6th round of SO to lift Wild over Oilers
ST. PAUL, Minn. -- Eric Staal scored in the sixth round of a shootout and the Minnesota Wild beat the Edmonton Oilers 3-2 on Friday night.

Matt Dumba and Jason Zucker scored in regulation for Minnesota, which has won three straight.

Wild goalie Devan Dubnyk made 25 saves. He entered with a league-best .946 save percentage and 1.65 goals-against average.

Leon Draisaitl and Ryan Nugent-Hopkins had goals for the Oilers, whose four-game losing streak began with a 2-1 home overtime loss to the Wild last Sunday.

Staal scored on a backhand deke before Nugent-Hopkins fired wide in the sixth round (see full story). 

Raanta, Rangers beat Blackhawks, 1-0, in overtime
CHICAGO -- Nick Holden scored 55 seconds into overtime, Antti Raanta made 26 saves against his former team and the New York Rangers beat the Chicago Blackhawks 1-0 on Friday night.

Derek Stepan passed from the boards to a streaking Holden in the middle of the ice, and he beat Scott Darling on the stick side for his fourth goal of the season.

Darling was going for his second straight shutout while subbing for injured starter Corey Crawford but had to settle for another solid performance.

Raanta, who made his NHL debut with Chicago in 2013 and played for the Blackhawks for two seasons before he was traded to New York, improved to 15-0-3 in 20 career appearances at the United Center.

The 27-year-old Raanta had 17 saves in Thursday's 2-1 victory at Winnipeg, and coach Alain Vigneault opted to give him a second straight start over Henrik Lundqvist because of his recent play and his success in Chicago (see full story).

Oshie, Johansson, Grubauer lift Caps over Sabres
BUFFALO, N.Y. -- T.J. Oshie and Marcus Johansson each scored a goal, Philipp Grubauer made 27 saves and the Washington Capitals beat the Buffalo Sabres 4-1 on Friday night for their third straight win.

Jakub Vrana and John Carlson also scored, helping Washington beat Buffalo for the third time in 15 days.

Kyle Okposo scored and Robin Lehner made 25 saves for Buffalo. The Sabres have lost three of their last four.

Oshie gave the Capitals a 1-0 lead 6:43 into the second period when he lifted a shot from the right edge of the crease past Lehner. Jay Beagle drew two defenders into the corner and sent the puck back to a wide open Oshie for his ninth goal of the season (see full story).