Who Said It: Sarge Matthews or a Child in the AT&T Commercials?

Who Said It: Sarge Matthews or a Child in the AT&T Commercials?

Congratulations, everyone!  We survived the Sisyphusian hellscape that was the 2013 Phillies season.  It hasn’t been pretty. But we had some fun, didn’t we? I said some.  If you were like many fans this season, you attended fewer games at Citizens Bank Park, so you probably found yourself watching more of the broadcasts.  This has brought you countless visits with kindergarten kids discussing the issues in AT&T commercials.  Whether fantasizing about an island made of candy, or failing to grasp the concept of puns, these kids deliver a unique kind of humor that comes from such a mixture of youth, lack of filter, and imagination you’d find in children.  Or, you know, Gary Matthews in the middle of a game.  Amazingly, if you mix a bunch of their quotes with quotes from Sarge, it’s actually quite a challenge to figure out where each line originated…

1.  If you have fast feet, everything...ends up being fast!

2.  When you're slower, you won't have to get in the street as fast and get ran over.

3.  A big fancy stadium, because you can fit more fans in there!

4.  They're all over the ballpark these days, hats.

5.  If stuff is not less, there’s more stuff.

6.  Right now, with all of the computers, you need two guys.

7.  If you put those suits on and lean your head too far out, you can tip over.

8.  And then you’ll have to stay in and then you’ll have to get shaved because you’ll be too hot.

9.  It was just the loneliest time of ever.

10. A lady buying small shoes and having bigger feet--it's gonna be really tight.

11.  If it’s big enough, you can have a disco.

12. Well you guys have all kinds of tricks up here to get your information. Here I gotta go off the top of my head, you're getting textses... text messages from different people.

13. I would give them castses if they’re hurt, colorful castses with stickers on them.

14.  They're gonna welcome them, with arms!

15. From what I hear, we've been having problems pitching and hitting on the same day. And tonight we went out and did that.


Sarge:   1, 4, 6, 7, 9, 10, 12, 14, 15 (okay, that last one was pretty obvious, but I had to include that gem)

AT&T Commercial:   2, 3, 5, 8, 11, 13

Dale Weise suspended 3 games for illegal check to head of Ducks' Korbinian Holzer

Dale Weise suspended 3 games for illegal check to head of Ducks' Korbinian Holzer

Another Flyers player has been suspended by the NHL Department of Player Safety.

This time, it's right winger Dale Weise, who on Friday was banned three games for an illegal check to the head of Ducks defenseman Korbinian Holzer during the Flyers' 3-2 home-opening loss Thursday night.

As Holzer was attempting to chip the puck out of his own zone in the second period, Weise lowered his right shoulder and made a high hit to the blueliner.

The NHL department of player safety explained that Weise made the head the main point of contact on a hit where such head contact was avoidable and unnecessary.

With Weise's suspension, rookie Roman Lyubimov, the Flyers' lone remaining healthy scratch, will enter the lineup.

The Flyers have been suspended an NHL-most 12 games. Forward Brayden Schenn served a three-game suspension to start the season for a hit in the 2016 Stanley Cup Playoffs, while defenseman Radko Gudas is currrently serving a six-gamer for a check during the preseason.

Weise, who the Flyers signed in the offseason to a four-year, $9.4 million deal, has not registered a point in four games playing on the team's third line.

NFL Notes: LeSean McCoy questionable; Jordan Reed out

NFL Notes: LeSean McCoy questionable; Jordan Reed out

ORCHARD PARK, N.Y. — Buffalo Bills running back LeSean McCoy is questionable and will be a game-time decision for Buffalo's upcoming game against the Miami Dolphins.

McCoy returned to practice on a limited basis Friday after sitting out Thursday. He revealed he suffered the injury in Buffalo's Wednesday practice session at the start of individual drills.

"We're confident in the guys that we have behind him but not ruling Shady out at all," Bills head coach Rex Ryan said. "He looked pretty good. So we'll be smart with him, but he looked pretty good."

McCoy has been the driving force behind the Bills offense this year and has gotten off to a hot start. The Bills (4-2) lead the league in rushing and McCoy is second in the NFL with 587 yards, behind only Dallas rookie Ezekiel Elliott.

McCoy said the injury is to his left hamstring, the same hamstring he injured last season. McCoy injured his hamstring last year during training camp and was hampered throughout the first half of the season, missing two games.

McCoy stressed that his current injury is not nearly as bad as his hamstring injury from a year ago.

"It's not as bad, really it's not as bad at all, so that's a good thing," McCoy said.

If McCoy is unable to play, he likely will be replaced by backup Mike Gillislee. Gillislee had a 44-yard touchdown late in Buffalo's Week 6 win over the San Francisco 49ers. Buffalo also has veteran Reggie Bush and rookie Jonathan Williams at running back.

The Dolphins (2-4) have the 31st-ranked run defense in the NFL.

Redskins: Doctson to IR; Reed out Sunday
ASHBURN, Va. — First-round draft pick Josh Doctson was put on injured reserve by the Washington Redskins on Friday with an injured left Achilles tendon.

Doctson has missed the past four games for Washington (4-2) after making just one catch in each of the team's first two games.

The wide receiver was the 22nd overall pick in this year's NFL draft but has been troubled by the Achilles tendon problem since rookie minicamp in May. Doctson did not play at all in the preseason.

"With all the work that we've put in, we thought it was best to immobilize him for a little bit of time and see if that can help," Redskins coach Jay Gruden said Friday.

Gruden raised the possibility of bringing Doctson back from IR later on -- each team can do that with one player per season -- saying, "Hopefully we'll get him back for the last, maybe, two games of the year."

Said teammate DeSean Jackson: "Hopefully he'll get right and get the treatment he needs and be back out there for us as soon as possible."

Doctson had one catch for 9 yards in Week 1, and one catch for 57 yards in Week 2. The Redskins were hoping he could contribute this season and be ready to step into a bigger role next season if Jackson or Pierre Garcon leaves via free agency.

Gruden also said tight end Jordan Reed will miss Sunday's game at the Detroit Lions (3-3) with a concussion. Reed, who leads the team with 33 catches in 2016, also sat out last week's win over Philadelphia after hitting his head during a victory over Baltimore a week earlier.

He participated somewhat in practice Wednesday — wearing a yellow, noncontact jersey — before being held out entirely Thursday and Friday.

"I don't think he had a setback," Gruden said. "I just think they didn't really clear him. ... That's all I can say. I don't even try to argue or ask why. I just (ask) if he's cleared or not -- and the answer is `No.' So hopefully we'll get him back next week."