The Evster: 8 reasons why the Sixers should, no MUST, trade for Charlie Villanueva

The Evster: 8 reasons why the Sixers should, no MUST, trade for Charlie Villanueva

"If you're going to suck butt, you might as well have fun doing it." - Martha Washington

We get it, Sam Hinkie. We really do.

0-82 ... Tankapalooza ... Andrew Wiggins 4 Lyfe.

And we're on board! We're totally on board. But do the 2013-14 Sixers have to also be so incredibly boring?!?! Now that Nerlens Noel might be out for the seez, there are only two players on this team worth watching: Khalif Wyatt, a pudgy local fella who's probably going to be cut next week, and Royce White, a total weirdo who has the potential to burn down every arena he enters. No other Sixer is even remotely interesting. I'm not saying we should sign some freakshow just to sell tickets -- like a midget, or Randall Cunningham Jr. -- I'm just saying that Spencer Hawes is REALLY difficult to watch. Also, I'd totally buy season tickets if the Sixers signed a midget.

Based on results from the past seven NBA Draft combines, the Sixers currently have ZERO of the NBA's top 100 highest vertical leapers. Now granted, I completely made that stat up -- and even if it were true it means absolutely nothing -- but still, you totally believed it for a sec didn't you?

So why not spice it up a bit?

Right now, one of the game's most entertaining players is wasting away on Detroit's bench. His coach claims he's out of shape, but he's always been out of shape. He's a 6'10" power forward with point guard skills, who also happens to be completely and totally hairless. You know who I'm talking about. It's written right up there in the title of the post. There's even a picture of the guy up there, too. There's really no reason to try and build anticipation here, because the title and picture basically gives the whole article away. Why did I even bother writing this paragraph? Let's just move on.

The top 8 reasons the Sixers should absolutely, positively trade for Charlie Villanueva, immediately if not sooner:

Charlie's in a Contract Year

Every GM understands the importance of a "contract year".

"Whadda ya think about Jim Dorvendale?"

"He can't shoot and he's coming off 13 ACL surgeries."

"Contract year."

"He could help us."

The last time Charlie V played for a contract (2009), he averaged 16 and 6 for the Bucks and ended up with a 5-year $35 million deal from Detroit. Guess what folks? IT'S TIME FOR CHARLIE TO EAT AGAIN. Also, 16 and 6 isn't nearly good enough to help anyone, so don't worry about Charlie hurting our draft position. Sure, Charlie has more way more talent than the current sack of donuts coming off the Sixers' bench, but he does none of the little things that actually help teams win games. I'm not even sure if Charlie is aware that you're allowed to play defense. He should fit in perfectly. Also, his name is Charlie, which is adorable.

Charlie's Girl is a Total Smokeshow

Michelle Game, remember the name.

Look how happy Charlie is!

And that house is spotless. They must have a cleaning lady, right? No magazines or mail laying around. And is Michelle wearing high-heeled Timberlands? And what is going on with her right leg extension? He seriously looks so happy!

Everyone knows that having hot chicks around makes athletes play harder. Spend time at any outdoor court and watch what happens when a good-looking woman walks by. All of a sudden, dudes start picking up their intensity, throwing loads of behind-the-back-passes and doing that weird thing where they lick their fingers and rub the soles of their sneaks (which is absolutely disgusting by the way). If Michelle Game were to hang out around the Wells Fargo Center this year, I guarantee you that James Anderson would try to dunk over every mediocre power forward in the Eastern Conference (which now includes not one, but two Zellers!) Also, Mark Zumoff wouldn't know what to do around this lady, so maybe he'd shut up for once in his life.

Cap Space

I don't really know how salary caps work or what that whole collective bargaining agreement thing is, but anytime you're talking NBA trades you're required to mention cap space. So cap space.

Have You Seen the Sixers' Roster?

They just signed a guy named Daniel Orton!

Here is what a scout from NBADraft.net had to say about the 6'10" Orton: "Very careless with the ball … He tries to make passes that have no chance of finding the target … His movements are not smooth and it seems like he wastes too much energy while getting up and down the court."

Awesome!

The Sixers could offer the Pistons: Tony Wroten, Darius Morris, Lavoy Allen, Spencer Hawes, Jason Richardson, Vander Blue, Gani Lawal, a dozen honey crisp apples and every 2nd Round Pick in perpetuity for Villanueva. THAT'S PRETTY GOOD VALUE, JOE DUMARS. To be honest though, I don't even know if that's enough to get the deal done. Mostly because honey crisps are WAY overrated. Have you had SnowSweets, though? Dee-lish!

The Man is Completely and Totally Hairless

I'm not trying to make fun of Charlie's skin condition, I'm really not, but it is impossible to take your eyes off of him when he's on the court. HE'S SO SMOOTH. Like a salamander! With point guard skills!

Charlie was actually teased quite a bit growing up (and I get that, and that's sad), but as an adult who makes millions and millions of dollars, the game done changed (see: Game, Michelle, bazooka boobs). In fact, Alopecia might even be a good thing. For one, it's probably so easy for him to dry off after taking a shower. Personally, I need at least 45 minutes after showering to douse my entire body in baby powder. Every one of my wife's pants suits is currently covered in a white cloud of dust. Serves her right for owning so many pants suits.

At my gym, there's this old guy named Sheldon (who is no joke, 147 years old) who loves to get buck naked by the sink and blowdry himself in the balls. It's amazing. Sometimes Sheldon even puts his bare, wrinkly foot up on the sink to blast his balls from the optimal angle. You haven't lived until you've made eye contact in the mirror with a man while he's blasting hot air on his balls.

Charlie is every bit as tantric as Sheldon. Forget about watching him play basketball, I would pay top dollar to see that guy eat a meatball hoagie. God I hope Sam Hinkie is reading this article. HE LITERALLY PLAYS NO DEFENSE.

Charlie Doesn't Give a Shit About Shit

You know how your old-ass grandfather doesn't care about anything? He just does whatever he wants, whenever he wants. Mismatched socks. Apple sauce all over his face. Blaming squirrels for global warming. That's Charlie V on the basketball court. Just doing his own thing at all times, completely unaware of what's going on around him. Floating around the 3-point line when a smaller player is guarding him. Launching 19-foot stepbacks. Shovel passes. So many shovel passes. It's glorious. And so liberating. We should all live life the way Charlie plays ball. There is literally no hair on his entire body.

In 2011, Charlie missed 32 games with a sore right ankle. Not a sprain, not torn ligaments, just some soreness.

THINK HOW AMAZING HIS PRESS CONFERENCES COULD BE.

Keith Pompey: Charlie, any idea when you'll be coming back from the ankle injury?

Charlie: Nope.

Keith Pompey: Thanks, bro.

Royce White Could Really Use a Friend

If the Sixers are serious about nurturing Royce White, then they need to surround him with likable people. Remember when the Phillies traded away Todd Zeile, and then Gregg Jefferies went into a major slump and manic depression? Me neither, Gregg Jefferies was always miserable and sucked the entire time he was here. Regardless, imagine Royce and Charlie hobnobbing together around Chicago, instagramming pictures of hot dogs while shopping on the Magnificent Mile. That's not a reality show? You're telling me that's not a reality show?

Who Caressszzsssszzzzz?!

Just get him, Hinkie!

Spencer Hawes is the softest big man ever!

Well, except for Shawn Bradley.

He was the worstttttttttttttttttttttt.

Follow The Evster @TVMWW.

Andre Blake the Union's first MLS Best XI team member since 2010

Andre Blake the Union's first MLS Best XI team member since 2010

Andre Blake continues to rack up the accolades.

A couple of weeks after being named MLS Goalkeeper of the Year, the rising Philadelphia Union star was named to the MLS Best XI team as one of the league’s top players in 2016.

The rest of the team included:

• Forwards Sebastian Giovinco (Toronto FC), David Villa (New York City FC) and Bradley Wright-Phillips (New York Red Bulls)
• Midfielders Ignacio Piatti (Montreal Impact), Sacha Kljestan (Red Bulls), Mauro Diaz (FC Dallas) and Giovani dos Santos (LA Galaxy)
• Defenders Matt Hedges (FC Dallas), Axel Sjoberg (Colorado Rapids) and Jelle Van Damme (Galaxy)

Blake’s inclusion on the Best XI is not a surprise considering he already took home top goalkeeper honors. Even though he didn’t have the best numbers in the league, he made the spectacular look ordinary in his first full season as an MLS starter.

But it is unique for the Union, who haven’t had a player make the Best XI since Sebastien Le Toux was included for his 14-goal, 11-assist effort in Philly's 2010 expansion season.

Union winger Chris Pontius, who recently won the 2016 MLS Breakout Player of the Year award, made Best XI while with D.C. United in 2012. Former Union players to be honored on the prestigious list were Bakary Soumare with Chicago in 2008 and Justin Mapp with Chicago in 2006.

Another big honor like this will likely only increase the chatter that Blake could be sold to a big team in Europe soon. But a couple of weeks ago, the Union goalkeeper insisted his only focus for 2017 is on Philadelphia.

“From a personal standpoint, I’m hoping to have an even better season than 2016,” he said at the time. “To be able to go in and be consistent and do everything I can for the Union — and maybe be the goalkeeper to get them their first [MLS] Cup.”

Steve Mason named NHL's 1st star after strong week

Steve Mason named NHL's 1st star after strong week

There’s a number of reasons why the Flyers have a five-game winning streak, why they’re playing better hockey, and why they own the No. 1 wild card spot in the Eastern Conference.
 
Perhaps the biggest reason of all is goaltender Steve Mason, who has won four of those games, compiling a 1.71 goals against average and .945 save percentage during that span.
 
Mason was named the NHL’s first “Star of the Week” on Monday. St. Louis Blues right wing Vladimir Tarasenko and San Jose Sharks goalie Martin Jones were second and third stars.
 
“The team is on a roll right now and I’m a benefactor of that,” said Mason, who needs a win Tuesday against Florida to tie his career-high streak of five set Dec. 17-30 in 2013, during his first, full season as a Flyer.
 
“There’s strong play in front of me. The team is playing a little tighter in our defensive zone of late and making the goaltender reads that much more simple. 
 
“Right now, there’s a comfort level with the guys in front of me … Winning five in a row is nice and we’d like to keep making ground in the standings.”
 
His four victories last week were tops in the NHL. Among them, he had a season-high 45 saves in a 3-2 shootout win against Boston. 
 
Like many goalies, Mason prefers action. Games such as the 3-2 overtime win at Ottawa last week when the Senators only fired 21 shots, bother him.
 
“Those games, when you are not getting a lot of shots, the ones you do get will be a high-grade scoring chance,” he said. “And when you’re sitting around a few minutes not seeing the puck and all of a sudden see a chance like that …
 
“It’s more difficult to play [those games] than the games where there is a constant workload and you’re not thinking, but just playing. For myself personally, those are the games I enjoy the most. When I see a lot of pucks.”
 
The Flyers have seen dramatic improvement over the past month in their overall defensive play, from both their defensemen in down-low coverage in the slow and with their forwards on the backcheck.
 
Mason said the team has gone through “growing pains” with trying to integrate some younger bodies to the lineup this season – Ivan Provorov, Travis Konecny, and Nick Cousins  come to mind.
 
“You have to familiar with everybody,” he said. “Have a constant lineup where guys go out  shift after shift and night after night, you know what to expect from one another. When you have that kind of confidence in guys, it makes playing easier.” 
 
Mason’s 4-2 victory at Nashville on Sunday saw him go over .500 for the first time this season with a 9-8-3 record. 
 
His GAA is coming down at 2.76 while his save percentage has risen to .904.
 
“I was aware of it obviously, just because of the way the year started,” he said. “It’s taken a lot of work to get it above the .900 level.
 
“We’re obviously going to continue to work at getting it even better. The way the team’s playing right now and the way everybody’s clicking, we’re going at a good pace right now.”