The Evster: 8 reasons why the Sixers should, no MUST, trade for Charlie Villanueva

The Evster: 8 reasons why the Sixers should, no MUST, trade for Charlie Villanueva

"If you're going to suck butt, you might as well have fun doing it." - Martha Washington

We get it, Sam Hinkie. We really do.

0-82 ... Tankapalooza ... Andrew Wiggins 4 Lyfe.

And we're on board! We're totally on board. But do the 2013-14 Sixers have to also be so incredibly boring?!?! Now that Nerlens Noel might be out for the seez, there are only two players on this team worth watching: Khalif Wyatt, a pudgy local fella who's probably going to be cut next week, and Royce White, a total weirdo who has the potential to burn down every arena he enters. No other Sixer is even remotely interesting. I'm not saying we should sign some freakshow just to sell tickets -- like a midget, or Randall Cunningham Jr. -- I'm just saying that Spencer Hawes is REALLY difficult to watch. Also, I'd totally buy season tickets if the Sixers signed a midget.

Based on results from the past seven NBA Draft combines, the Sixers currently have ZERO of the NBA's top 100 highest vertical leapers. Now granted, I completely made that stat up -- and even if it were true it means absolutely nothing -- but still, you totally believed it for a sec didn't you?

So why not spice it up a bit?

Right now, one of the game's most entertaining players is wasting away on Detroit's bench. His coach claims he's out of shape, but he's always been out of shape. He's a 6'10" power forward with point guard skills, who also happens to be completely and totally hairless. You know who I'm talking about. It's written right up there in the title of the post. There's even a picture of the guy up there, too. There's really no reason to try and build anticipation here, because the title and picture basically gives the whole article away. Why did I even bother writing this paragraph? Let's just move on.

The top 8 reasons the Sixers should absolutely, positively trade for Charlie Villanueva, immediately if not sooner:

Charlie's in a Contract Year

Every GM understands the importance of a "contract year".

"Whadda ya think about Jim Dorvendale?"

"He can't shoot and he's coming off 13 ACL surgeries."

"Contract year."

"He could help us."

The last time Charlie V played for a contract (2009), he averaged 16 and 6 for the Bucks and ended up with a 5-year $35 million deal from Detroit. Guess what folks? IT'S TIME FOR CHARLIE TO EAT AGAIN. Also, 16 and 6 isn't nearly good enough to help anyone, so don't worry about Charlie hurting our draft position. Sure, Charlie has more way more talent than the current sack of donuts coming off the Sixers' bench, but he does none of the little things that actually help teams win games. I'm not even sure if Charlie is aware that you're allowed to play defense. He should fit in perfectly. Also, his name is Charlie, which is adorable.

Charlie's Girl is a Total Smokeshow

Michelle Game, remember the name.

Look how happy Charlie is!

And that house is spotless. They must have a cleaning lady, right? No magazines or mail laying around. And is Michelle wearing high-heeled Timberlands? And what is going on with her right leg extension? He seriously looks so happy!

Everyone knows that having hot chicks around makes athletes play harder. Spend time at any outdoor court and watch what happens when a good-looking woman walks by. All of a sudden, dudes start picking up their intensity, throwing loads of behind-the-back-passes and doing that weird thing where they lick their fingers and rub the soles of their sneaks (which is absolutely disgusting by the way). If Michelle Game were to hang out around the Wells Fargo Center this year, I guarantee you that James Anderson would try to dunk over every mediocre power forward in the Eastern Conference (which now includes not one, but two Zellers!) Also, Mark Zumoff wouldn't know what to do around this lady, so maybe he'd shut up for once in his life.

Cap Space

I don't really know how salary caps work or what that whole collective bargaining agreement thing is, but anytime you're talking NBA trades you're required to mention cap space. So cap space.

Have You Seen the Sixers' Roster?

They just signed a guy named Daniel Orton!

Here is what a scout from NBADraft.net had to say about the 6'10" Orton: "Very careless with the ball … He tries to make passes that have no chance of finding the target … His movements are not smooth and it seems like he wastes too much energy while getting up and down the court."

Awesome!

The Sixers could offer the Pistons: Tony Wroten, Darius Morris, Lavoy Allen, Spencer Hawes, Jason Richardson, Vander Blue, Gani Lawal, a dozen honey crisp apples and every 2nd Round Pick in perpetuity for Villanueva. THAT'S PRETTY GOOD VALUE, JOE DUMARS. To be honest though, I don't even know if that's enough to get the deal done. Mostly because honey crisps are WAY overrated. Have you had SnowSweets, though? Dee-lish!

The Man is Completely and Totally Hairless

I'm not trying to make fun of Charlie's skin condition, I'm really not, but it is impossible to take your eyes off of him when he's on the court. HE'S SO SMOOTH. Like a salamander! With point guard skills!

Charlie was actually teased quite a bit growing up (and I get that, and that's sad), but as an adult who makes millions and millions of dollars, the game done changed (see: Game, Michelle, bazooka boobs). In fact, Alopecia might even be a good thing. For one, it's probably so easy for him to dry off after taking a shower. Personally, I need at least 45 minutes after showering to douse my entire body in baby powder. Every one of my wife's pants suits is currently covered in a white cloud of dust. Serves her right for owning so many pants suits.

At my gym, there's this old guy named Sheldon (who is no joke, 147 years old) who loves to get buck naked by the sink and blowdry himself in the balls. It's amazing. Sometimes Sheldon even puts his bare, wrinkly foot up on the sink to blast his balls from the optimal angle. You haven't lived until you've made eye contact in the mirror with a man while he's blasting hot air on his balls.

Charlie is every bit as tantric as Sheldon. Forget about watching him play basketball, I would pay top dollar to see that guy eat a meatball hoagie. God I hope Sam Hinkie is reading this article. HE LITERALLY PLAYS NO DEFENSE.

Charlie Doesn't Give a Shit About Shit

You know how your old-ass grandfather doesn't care about anything? He just does whatever he wants, whenever he wants. Mismatched socks. Apple sauce all over his face. Blaming squirrels for global warming. That's Charlie V on the basketball court. Just doing his own thing at all times, completely unaware of what's going on around him. Floating around the 3-point line when a smaller player is guarding him. Launching 19-foot stepbacks. Shovel passes. So many shovel passes. It's glorious. And so liberating. We should all live life the way Charlie plays ball. There is literally no hair on his entire body.

In 2011, Charlie missed 32 games with a sore right ankle. Not a sprain, not torn ligaments, just some soreness.

THINK HOW AMAZING HIS PRESS CONFERENCES COULD BE.

Keith Pompey: Charlie, any idea when you'll be coming back from the ankle injury?

Charlie: Nope.

Keith Pompey: Thanks, bro.

Royce White Could Really Use a Friend

If the Sixers are serious about nurturing Royce White, then they need to surround him with likable people. Remember when the Phillies traded away Todd Zeile, and then Gregg Jefferies went into a major slump and manic depression? Me neither, Gregg Jefferies was always miserable and sucked the entire time he was here. Regardless, imagine Royce and Charlie hobnobbing together around Chicago, instagramming pictures of hot dogs while shopping on the Magnificent Mile. That's not a reality show? You're telling me that's not a reality show?

Who Caressszzsssszzzzz?!

Just get him, Hinkie!

Spencer Hawes is the softest big man ever!

Well, except for Shawn Bradley.

He was the worstttttttttttttttttttttt.

Follow The Evster @TVMWW.

Brian Carroll's goal in 92nd minute gives Union draw with Rapids

052816-union-webbestvideo3_1920x1080_694956099989.jpg

Brian Carroll's goal in 92nd minute gives Union draw with Rapids

COMMERCE CITY, Colo. -- Brian Carroll tied it in 92nd minute and the Union escaped with a 1-1 draw with the Colorado Rapids in a showdown of the Western and Eastern conference leaders.

Carroll ran underneath Fabian Herbers' high-arching header and slotted the finish under goalkeeper Zac MacMath from close range.

The Union (5-3-5) responded only 5 minutes after the Rapids (8-2-4) opened the scoring on Sam Cronin's header in the 87th minute. Cronin made a deep run to connect with Marlon Hairston's cross from the right flank, redirecting it into the far corner of the goal.

Both Dillon Powers and Luis Solignac had shots crash off the crossbar for the Rapids after the 70th minute.

The Union extended their unbeaten streak to seven while the Rapids stayed unbeaten in their nine home games this season.

Chase Utley haunts Mets in Dodgers' rout at Citi Field

052816-salisbury-post-webbestvideo3_1920x1080_694933571725.jpg

Chase Utley haunts Mets in Dodgers' rout at Citi Field

NEW YORK -- Chase Utley hit a grand slam and a solo homer after Noah Syndergaard threw a 99 mph fastball behind his back, and the Los Angeles Dodgers went deep a season-high five times in routing the New York Mets 9-1 on Saturday night.

In a scene that seemed inevitable since October, Syndergaard was immediately ejected following the third-inning pitch -- almost certainly his shot at retaliation against Utley for the late takeout slide that broke the right leg of then-Mets shortstop Ruben Tejada in last year's playoffs.

Plate umpire Adam Hamari tossed Syndergaard, sending Mets manager Terry Collins into a rage, but no trouble ensued between the teams. A longtime New York nemesis, Utley raised one hand slightly in the direction of the Dodgers' bench to keep teammates calm -- and later answered by doing all sorts of damage with his bat.

Kenta Maeda (4-3) shook off an early line drive that appeared to hit him in the pitching hand and threw five shutout innings for the win. The right-hander yielded two hits, both in the first, and snapped his three-game losing streak.

Adrian Gonzalez homered and had four hits for the Dodgers, who spoiled the Mets' 30th anniversary celebration of their 1986 World Series championship. Corey Seager and Howie Kendrick also connected, all after Syndergaard was gone.

Pinch-hitter Juan Lagares homered in the eighth for New York, long after the outcome was decided.

The stoic Utley is playing at Citi Field this weekend for the first time since Tejada was injured. The Mets -- and their fans -- were incensed by the aggressive slide, which led to a change in baseball rules this season designed to protect infielders in what some call the Utley Rule.

But the Mets had not tried to retaliate until Saturday night.

With one out and nobody on in the third inning of a scoreless game, Syndergaard's first pitch to Utley sailed behind the second baseman's back by a considerable margin.

Hamari immediately ejected Syndergaard, prompting Collins to come storming out of the dugout. Collins also was ejected after screaming at Hamari and pointing in his face during an animated argument. The manager was finally escorted back toward the New York dugout by another umpire.

After waiting near the mound with teammates for some time, Syndergaard walked calmly to the Mets' dugout without showing any emotion as the crowd cheered him.

Logan Verrett (3-2) entered for the Mets and, with a vocal contingent in the sellout crowd of 42,227 urging him to hit Utley with a pitch, eventually threw a called third strike past him. But then Utley homered on Verrett's first pitch of the sixth to give the Dodgers a 1-0 lead.

Booed all night, Utley added his sixth career slam off Hansel Robles in the seventh, giving Los Angeles a 6-0 cushion with his 38th career homer against the Mets.

In the series opener Friday night, Utley was greeted with loud jeers and derisive chants. He had four RBIs in a 6-5 loss, including a three-run double that tied the score with two outs in the ninth.

Where are you now?
Tejada was released by the Mets during spring training and signed by the St. Louis Cardinals, who designated him for assignment Saturday.

Trainer's room
Dodgers: RF Trayce Thompson exited in the fifth with lower back soreness. He was replaced by Yasiel Puig, who hit an RBI single off Verrett in the sixth.

Mets: INF Wilmer Flores (hamstring) went 1 for 2 with a sacrifice fly in his fifth rehab game for Double-A Binghamton. Before the game, Collins said it was reasonable to think Flores could come off the disabled list Sunday.

Up next
Dodgers ace Clayton Kershaw (7-1, 1.48 ERA) starts the series finale Sunday night against 43-year-old Bartolo Colon (4-3, 3.44). Kershaw, coming off a two-hit shutout against Cincinnati, is 7-0 with a 1.17 ERA in 10 starts against the Mets. He is 5-0 with a 0.64 ERA in May -- including a three-hit shutout of New York on May 12 at Dodger Stadium. The three-time Cy Young Award winner has struck out 55 and walked two this month.

Soul drop 1st road game of season to Gladiators

080213-raudabaugh-slideshow-uspw.jpg
USA Today Images

Soul drop 1st road game of season to Gladiators

The Soul fell on the road to the Cleveland Gladiators, 63-49, at Quicken Loans Arena on Saturday night.

The loss was just the second of the season and the first away from the Wells Fargo Center for the Soul. Quarterback Dan Raudabaugh completed 25 of 44 passes for 342 yards and seven touchdownsi in a losing effort.

The Gladiators were led by receiver Quentin Sims, who finished with 10 receptions for 114 yards and three touchdowns, and signal caller Arvell Nelson who completed 22 of 36 passes for 307 yards and seven touchdowns.

Next week, the Soul travel to Jacksonville to take on the Sharks on Saturday, June 4. The game will be broadcast on CBS Sports and 97.5 The Fanatic.  Kick-off is set for 7 p.m.