The Evster: 8 reasons why the Sixers should, no MUST, trade for Charlie Villanueva

The Evster: 8 reasons why the Sixers should, no MUST, trade for Charlie Villanueva

"If you're going to suck butt, you might as well have fun doing it." - Martha Washington

We get it, Sam Hinkie. We really do.

0-82 ... Tankapalooza ... Andrew Wiggins 4 Lyfe.

And we're on board! We're totally on board. But do the 2013-14 Sixers have to also be so incredibly boring?!?! Now that Nerlens Noel might be out for the seez, there are only two players on this team worth watching: Khalif Wyatt, a pudgy local fella who's probably going to be cut next week, and Royce White, a total weirdo who has the potential to burn down every arena he enters. No other Sixer is even remotely interesting. I'm not saying we should sign some freakshow just to sell tickets -- like a midget, or Randall Cunningham Jr. -- I'm just saying that Spencer Hawes is REALLY difficult to watch. Also, I'd totally buy season tickets if the Sixers signed a midget.

Based on results from the past seven NBA Draft combines, the Sixers currently have ZERO of the NBA's top 100 highest vertical leapers. Now granted, I completely made that stat up -- and even if it were true it means absolutely nothing -- but still, you totally believed it for a sec didn't you?

So why not spice it up a bit?

Right now, one of the game's most entertaining players is wasting away on Detroit's bench. His coach claims he's out of shape, but he's always been out of shape. He's a 6'10" power forward with point guard skills, who also happens to be completely and totally hairless. You know who I'm talking about. It's written right up there in the title of the post. There's even a picture of the guy up there, too. There's really no reason to try and build anticipation here, because the title and picture basically gives the whole article away. Why did I even bother writing this paragraph? Let's just move on.

The top 8 reasons the Sixers should absolutely, positively trade for Charlie Villanueva, immediately if not sooner:

Charlie's in a Contract Year

Every GM understands the importance of a "contract year".

"Whadda ya think about Jim Dorvendale?"

"He can't shoot and he's coming off 13 ACL surgeries."

"Contract year."

"He could help us."

The last time Charlie V played for a contract (2009), he averaged 16 and 6 for the Bucks and ended up with a 5-year $35 million deal from Detroit. Guess what folks? IT'S TIME FOR CHARLIE TO EAT AGAIN. Also, 16 and 6 isn't nearly good enough to help anyone, so don't worry about Charlie hurting our draft position. Sure, Charlie has more way more talent than the current sack of donuts coming off the Sixers' bench, but he does none of the little things that actually help teams win games. I'm not even sure if Charlie is aware that you're allowed to play defense. He should fit in perfectly. Also, his name is Charlie, which is adorable.

Charlie's Girl is a Total Smokeshow

Michelle Game, remember the name.

Look how happy Charlie is!

And that house is spotless. They must have a cleaning lady, right? No magazines or mail laying around. And is Michelle wearing high-heeled Timberlands? And what is going on with her right leg extension? He seriously looks so happy!

Everyone knows that having hot chicks around makes athletes play harder. Spend time at any outdoor court and watch what happens when a good-looking woman walks by. All of a sudden, dudes start picking up their intensity, throwing loads of behind-the-back-passes and doing that weird thing where they lick their fingers and rub the soles of their sneaks (which is absolutely disgusting by the way). If Michelle Game were to hang out around the Wells Fargo Center this year, I guarantee you that James Anderson would try to dunk over every mediocre power forward in the Eastern Conference (which now includes not one, but two Zellers!) Also, Mark Zumoff wouldn't know what to do around this lady, so maybe he'd shut up for once in his life.

Cap Space

I don't really know how salary caps work or what that whole collective bargaining agreement thing is, but anytime you're talking NBA trades you're required to mention cap space. So cap space.

Have You Seen the Sixers' Roster?

They just signed a guy named Daniel Orton!

Here is what a scout from had to say about the 6'10" Orton: "Very careless with the ball … He tries to make passes that have no chance of finding the target … His movements are not smooth and it seems like he wastes too much energy while getting up and down the court."


The Sixers could offer the Pistons: Tony Wroten, Darius Morris, Lavoy Allen, Spencer Hawes, Jason Richardson, Vander Blue, Gani Lawal, a dozen honey crisp apples and every 2nd Round Pick in perpetuity for Villanueva. THAT'S PRETTY GOOD VALUE, JOE DUMARS. To be honest though, I don't even know if that's enough to get the deal done. Mostly because honey crisps are WAY overrated. Have you had SnowSweets, though? Dee-lish!

The Man is Completely and Totally Hairless

I'm not trying to make fun of Charlie's skin condition, I'm really not, but it is impossible to take your eyes off of him when he's on the court. HE'S SO SMOOTH. Like a salamander! With point guard skills!

Charlie was actually teased quite a bit growing up (and I get that, and that's sad), but as an adult who makes millions and millions of dollars, the game done changed (see: Game, Michelle, bazooka boobs). In fact, Alopecia might even be a good thing. For one, it's probably so easy for him to dry off after taking a shower. Personally, I need at least 45 minutes after showering to douse my entire body in baby powder. Every one of my wife's pants suits is currently covered in a white cloud of dust. Serves her right for owning so many pants suits.

At my gym, there's this old guy named Sheldon (who is no joke, 147 years old) who loves to get buck naked by the sink and blowdry himself in the balls. It's amazing. Sometimes Sheldon even puts his bare, wrinkly foot up on the sink to blast his balls from the optimal angle. You haven't lived until you've made eye contact in the mirror with a man while he's blasting hot air on his balls.

Charlie is every bit as tantric as Sheldon. Forget about watching him play basketball, I would pay top dollar to see that guy eat a meatball hoagie. God I hope Sam Hinkie is reading this article. HE LITERALLY PLAYS NO DEFENSE.

Charlie Doesn't Give a Shit About Shit

You know how your old-ass grandfather doesn't care about anything? He just does whatever he wants, whenever he wants. Mismatched socks. Apple sauce all over his face. Blaming squirrels for global warming. That's Charlie V on the basketball court. Just doing his own thing at all times, completely unaware of what's going on around him. Floating around the 3-point line when a smaller player is guarding him. Launching 19-foot stepbacks. Shovel passes. So many shovel passes. It's glorious. And so liberating. We should all live life the way Charlie plays ball. There is literally no hair on his entire body.

In 2011, Charlie missed 32 games with a sore right ankle. Not a sprain, not torn ligaments, just some soreness.


Keith Pompey: Charlie, any idea when you'll be coming back from the ankle injury?

Charlie: Nope.

Keith Pompey: Thanks, bro.

Royce White Could Really Use a Friend

If the Sixers are serious about nurturing Royce White, then they need to surround him with likable people. Remember when the Phillies traded away Todd Zeile, and then Gregg Jefferies went into a major slump and manic depression? Me neither, Gregg Jefferies was always miserable and sucked the entire time he was here. Regardless, imagine Royce and Charlie hobnobbing together around Chicago, instagramming pictures of hot dogs while shopping on the Magnificent Mile. That's not a reality show? You're telling me that's not a reality show?

Who Caressszzsssszzzzz?!

Just get him, Hinkie!

Spencer Hawes is the softest big man ever!

Well, except for Shawn Bradley.

He was the worstttttttttttttttttttttt.

Follow The Evster @TVMWW.

Report: Sixers have shown interest in Timberwolves PG Tyus Jones

Report: Sixers have shown interest in Timberwolves PG Tyus Jones

With Ben Simmons and Jerryd Bayless hurt, the Sixers are still lacking a distributor, and so it makes sense that they've been in contact with the point guard-rich Timberwolves.

According to Adrian Wojnarowski of The Vertical, the Sixers and New Orleans Pelicans have shown interest in T'wolves backup point guard Tyus Jones. 

With fifth overall pick Kris Dunn and Ricky Rubio, Minnesota is set at PG. Jones, 20, is third on the totem pole a year after being drafted 24th overall. 

According to Wojnarowski, the Timberwolves are more inclined to trade Jones than Rubio. 

Jones has a connection to the Sixers in Jahlil Okafor, a former teammate at Duke. Both were one-and-dones for the 2014-15 National Championship team. Jones averaged 11.8 points, 3.5 rebounds and 5.6 assists for the Blue Devils. 

He played sparingly as a rookie last season with Minnesota (37 games), averaging 4.2 points and 2.9 assists in 15.5 minutes, but stood out this summer, winning Las Vegas Summer League MVP.

T.J. McConnell has started the majority of the preseason at point guard for the Sixers. Sergio Rodriguez got the nod in the last game against the Pistons. Brett Brown is also looking at Nik Stauskas to fill the spot in a non-traditional role.

Elton Brand announces retirement after 17 NBA seasons

Elton Brand announces retirement after 17 NBA seasons

CAMDEN, N.J. -- Elton Brand walked out to the practice court clad in a gray suit and tie. As he approached the media with his family, the Sixers' players and staff gathered to watch and, more importantly, pay their respect to the news he was about to deliver. 

“After 17 years of playing the game that I love, and it’s been great to me, I’m officially retiring,” Brand said standing next to his wife Shahara. “It’s for real this time. It was a wonderful journey.”

Brand, 37, played 17 seasons in the NBA with a career average of 15.9 points, 8.5 rebounds and 2.1 assists. A two-time All-Star, he recorded four 20-and-10 seasons. 

This summer he signed his final contract, a one-year deal with the Sixers worth $980,431. Brand announced his intention to retire on Thursday and the roster move will be officially completed at the conclusion of training camp. Brand’s retirement clears up a roster space for the Sixers. 

“Me personally, playing, being out there, the mentoring role, it was great. I enjoyed it,” Brand said. “But I really couldn’t be out there giving my all after 17 years, helping the team, being in the right place on defense, and giving the coaching staff the energy they deserve from their players. I thought it was time.”

The Bulls selected Brand with the first overall pick in the 1999 draft out of Duke, a moment he considers a highlight of his career. He played his first two seasons in Chicago, followed by seven with the Clippers. The Sixers signed Brand in July of 2008. He was a member of the team for the next four years, including two playoff runs. Brand played one more season with the Bulls, followed by two with the Hawks. 

His already-lengthy NBA career appeared to be over at the end of the 2014-15 season, but he made a surprise decision to return to the league in January of 2016 with the Sixers. He appeared in 17 games last season, averaging 4.1 points and 3.7 rebounds in 13.2 minutes. 

While Brand was needed to log time because of injuries, including 20-plus on back-to-back nights, his biggest contribution came away from the game. The young team signed Brand to serve as a mentor to players such as fellow Blue Devil Jahlil Okafor, who struggled with off-the-court issues as a rookie. Okafor developed a big-brother relationship with Brand, talking often — and rarely about basketball itself. 

Brand shared his messages of discipline and work ethic across the locker room. He stayed late after practices to work on fundamental drills with then-rookie Richaun Holmes. On game days he often could be seen dressed in a suit, a visualization of professionalism for his teammates. At the end of the season, Brand paid for the team to take a trip to Miami. 

“We felt his presence,” Okafor said. “Having another vet in there, knowing who he is, his accolades, it was a respect factor to him. Whatever he said goes. I remember hearing his voice at halftime if we were playing poor, he would let us know about it. It was good to have somebody on your team tell you you’re playing bad rather than hearing your coach’s mouth all the time.”

Brett Brown described his emotions as "sad" when Brand informed him of his decision. In less than a year of working together, Brown has learned from Brand's NBA experiences. 

"He's as elite in class as anybody I have ever coached," Brown said, adding, "He's got the ingredients that make him, I feel, highly attractable down the road. Surely he's got stuff to offer after this is all done. Compassionate, hard-working, educated, real, tough. He was a great example for our locker room."

Brand plans to spend time away from the game and has not made any decisions on his next career move. He will be accessible to the Sixers and plans to spend time around the team but not in an official role. He has had conversations with the team about possible opportunities in the future, just not right now. 

The Sixers broke out in applause at the conclusion of Brand's announcement. He didn't know they were going to be present and joked that as the "OG" of the team, he doesn't like surprises. Brand wanted a simple no-frills gathering of media, a low-key departure from the game. It was fitting for a career based on quietly putting in hard work. 

“It’s been an honor, it’s been a privilege to play this game, the game that I love, and I’m certainly going to miss it,” Brand said. “But it’s definitely time now.”