The Evster: 8 reasons why the Sixers should, no MUST, trade for Charlie Villanueva

The Evster: 8 reasons why the Sixers should, no MUST, trade for Charlie Villanueva

"If you're going to suck butt, you might as well have fun doing it." - Martha Washington

We get it, Sam Hinkie. We really do.

0-82 ... Tankapalooza ... Andrew Wiggins 4 Lyfe.

And we're on board! We're totally on board. But do the 2013-14 Sixers have to also be so incredibly boring?!?! Now that Nerlens Noel might be out for the seez, there are only two players on this team worth watching: Khalif Wyatt, a pudgy local fella who's probably going to be cut next week, and Royce White, a total weirdo who has the potential to burn down every arena he enters. No other Sixer is even remotely interesting. I'm not saying we should sign some freakshow just to sell tickets -- like a midget, or Randall Cunningham Jr. -- I'm just saying that Spencer Hawes is REALLY difficult to watch. Also, I'd totally buy season tickets if the Sixers signed a midget.

Based on results from the past seven NBA Draft combines, the Sixers currently have ZERO of the NBA's top 100 highest vertical leapers. Now granted, I completely made that stat up -- and even if it were true it means absolutely nothing -- but still, you totally believed it for a sec didn't you?

So why not spice it up a bit?

Right now, one of the game's most entertaining players is wasting away on Detroit's bench. His coach claims he's out of shape, but he's always been out of shape. He's a 6'10" power forward with point guard skills, who also happens to be completely and totally hairless. You know who I'm talking about. It's written right up there in the title of the post. There's even a picture of the guy up there, too. There's really no reason to try and build anticipation here, because the title and picture basically gives the whole article away. Why did I even bother writing this paragraph? Let's just move on.

The top 8 reasons the Sixers should absolutely, positively trade for Charlie Villanueva, immediately if not sooner:

Charlie's in a Contract Year

Every GM understands the importance of a "contract year".

"Whadda ya think about Jim Dorvendale?"

"He can't shoot and he's coming off 13 ACL surgeries."

"Contract year."

"He could help us."

The last time Charlie V played for a contract (2009), he averaged 16 and 6 for the Bucks and ended up with a 5-year $35 million deal from Detroit. Guess what folks? IT'S TIME FOR CHARLIE TO EAT AGAIN. Also, 16 and 6 isn't nearly good enough to help anyone, so don't worry about Charlie hurting our draft position. Sure, Charlie has more way more talent than the current sack of donuts coming off the Sixers' bench, but he does none of the little things that actually help teams win games. I'm not even sure if Charlie is aware that you're allowed to play defense. He should fit in perfectly. Also, his name is Charlie, which is adorable.

Charlie's Girl is a Total Smokeshow

Michelle Game, remember the name.

Look how happy Charlie is!

And that house is spotless. They must have a cleaning lady, right? No magazines or mail laying around. And is Michelle wearing high-heeled Timberlands? And what is going on with her right leg extension? He seriously looks so happy!

Everyone knows that having hot chicks around makes athletes play harder. Spend time at any outdoor court and watch what happens when a good-looking woman walks by. All of a sudden, dudes start picking up their intensity, throwing loads of behind-the-back-passes and doing that weird thing where they lick their fingers and rub the soles of their sneaks (which is absolutely disgusting by the way). If Michelle Game were to hang out around the Wells Fargo Center this year, I guarantee you that James Anderson would try to dunk over every mediocre power forward in the Eastern Conference (which now includes not one, but two Zellers!) Also, Mark Zumoff wouldn't know what to do around this lady, so maybe he'd shut up for once in his life.

Cap Space

I don't really know how salary caps work or what that whole collective bargaining agreement thing is, but anytime you're talking NBA trades you're required to mention cap space. So cap space.

Have You Seen the Sixers' Roster?

They just signed a guy named Daniel Orton!

Here is what a scout from NBADraft.net had to say about the 6'10" Orton: "Very careless with the ball … He tries to make passes that have no chance of finding the target … His movements are not smooth and it seems like he wastes too much energy while getting up and down the court."

Awesome!

The Sixers could offer the Pistons: Tony Wroten, Darius Morris, Lavoy Allen, Spencer Hawes, Jason Richardson, Vander Blue, Gani Lawal, a dozen honey crisp apples and every 2nd Round Pick in perpetuity for Villanueva. THAT'S PRETTY GOOD VALUE, JOE DUMARS. To be honest though, I don't even know if that's enough to get the deal done. Mostly because honey crisps are WAY overrated. Have you had SnowSweets, though? Dee-lish!

The Man is Completely and Totally Hairless

I'm not trying to make fun of Charlie's skin condition, I'm really not, but it is impossible to take your eyes off of him when he's on the court. HE'S SO SMOOTH. Like a salamander! With point guard skills!

Charlie was actually teased quite a bit growing up (and I get that, and that's sad), but as an adult who makes millions and millions of dollars, the game done changed (see: Game, Michelle, bazooka boobs). In fact, Alopecia might even be a good thing. For one, it's probably so easy for him to dry off after taking a shower. Personally, I need at least 45 minutes after showering to douse my entire body in baby powder. Every one of my wife's pants suits is currently covered in a white cloud of dust. Serves her right for owning so many pants suits.

At my gym, there's this old guy named Sheldon (who is no joke, 147 years old) who loves to get buck naked by the sink and blowdry himself in the balls. It's amazing. Sometimes Sheldon even puts his bare, wrinkly foot up on the sink to blast his balls from the optimal angle. You haven't lived until you've made eye contact in the mirror with a man while he's blasting hot air on his balls.

Charlie is every bit as tantric as Sheldon. Forget about watching him play basketball, I would pay top dollar to see that guy eat a meatball hoagie. God I hope Sam Hinkie is reading this article. HE LITERALLY PLAYS NO DEFENSE.

Charlie Doesn't Give a Shit About Shit

You know how your old-ass grandfather doesn't care about anything? He just does whatever he wants, whenever he wants. Mismatched socks. Apple sauce all over his face. Blaming squirrels for global warming. That's Charlie V on the basketball court. Just doing his own thing at all times, completely unaware of what's going on around him. Floating around the 3-point line when a smaller player is guarding him. Launching 19-foot stepbacks. Shovel passes. So many shovel passes. It's glorious. And so liberating. We should all live life the way Charlie plays ball. There is literally no hair on his entire body.

In 2011, Charlie missed 32 games with a sore right ankle. Not a sprain, not torn ligaments, just some soreness.

THINK HOW AMAZING HIS PRESS CONFERENCES COULD BE.

Keith Pompey: Charlie, any idea when you'll be coming back from the ankle injury?

Charlie: Nope.

Keith Pompey: Thanks, bro.

Royce White Could Really Use a Friend

If the Sixers are serious about nurturing Royce White, then they need to surround him with likable people. Remember when the Phillies traded away Todd Zeile, and then Gregg Jefferies went into a major slump and manic depression? Me neither, Gregg Jefferies was always miserable and sucked the entire time he was here. Regardless, imagine Royce and Charlie hobnobbing together around Chicago, instagramming pictures of hot dogs while shopping on the Magnificent Mile. That's not a reality show? You're telling me that's not a reality show?

Who Caressszzsssszzzzz?!

Just get him, Hinkie!

Spencer Hawes is the softest big man ever!

Well, except for Shawn Bradley.

He was the worstttttttttttttttttttttt.

Follow The Evster @TVMWW.

Inside Doop: Union inch closer to playoffs after tie in Toronto

Inside Doop: Union inch closer to playoffs after tie in Toronto

The Union left the country for a big game over the weekend and did not return to the United States with a win as they hoped.

But they did come back with a hard-earned point against the top team in the conference as well as the first MLS goal from their marquee summer signing, while inching closer to the playoffs. Here’s a look at Saturday’s 1-1 draw with the Toronto FC and what lies ahead with three regular-season games left.

Three thoughts about Saturday’s game
1. It took Alejandro Bedoya almost two months to score his first MLS goal … but what a goal it was. After collecting a pass from Fabian Herbers midway through the first half (just barely avoiding being offside), the U.S. national team starter took one dribble and fooled goalkeeper Clint Irwin with a clever chip over his head and into the net. You don’t see those kind of chip goals often and when you do, they’re usually delivered by big-time playmakers — the kind of guys the Union don’t usually have but do now with Bedoya. Head coach Jim Curtin’s decision to play Bedoya at the No. 10 attacking midfield spot with Tranquillo Barnetta injured also paid big dividends and showed the Union have more midfield options going into the playoffs … and into next season.

2. Coming into the game, a big storyline centered around center back Ken Tribbett, who got the start at center back about a month after getting pulled at halftime vs. Toronto. Another centered around right back Keegan Rosenberry, who was trying to bounce back from a rare off game in Portland the previous week. But, in the end, both players had some very good moments and helped limit the Toronto attack for much of the game, especially in the first half. Much of that had to do with another Curtin lineup decision as the Union head coach put two defensive-minded midfielders in front of the backline: Warren Creavalle, who also had a great hustle play that nearly led to a second goal right before halftime, and Brian Carroll, who’s now made two straight starts after missing six straight games with Plantar fasciitis.

3. Saturday’s game didn’t end without some late fireworks from the league’s hottest player, Jozy Altidore. Riding an eight-goals-in-nine-games streak coming in, the U.S. national team star struck the post in the 87th minute and was taken down in the box by C.J. Sapong in stoppage time on what initially looked to be a clear penalty. If you look at the replay from Sapong’s perspective, however, you could probably make the case that Sapong was going for the ball before getting impeded by Altidore. Either way, the idea of a ref not making a call that would likely decide a game (on a play that wasn’t a real goal-scoring opportunity) took some guts, especially as he got lambasted from the home team and its fans.

Three questions for the week ahead
1. The brutal three-game road trip ends Saturday as the Union, after a loss in Portland and tie in Toronto, take on the rival New York Red Bulls (7 p.m., The Comcast Network). As conservative as it might sound, another point would probably make it a mildly successful trip considering the caliber of opponent. Either way, the Union’s playoff hopes and seeding will likely come down to their final two home games against Orlando and the Red Bulls. At this point, the best they can likely hope for is to hold off Montreal, D.C. United and New England for the No. 4 seed in the East, which would ensure them an opening-round home game. Luckily for them, Montreal and New England both lost this weekend, and although D.C. picked up a big win, they did so against another team in the playoff hunt in Orlando.

2. Another week means another question about captain Maurice Edu’s health. It’s now been more than two months since he returned to the practice field and almost a month since he started playing rehab games with the Bethlehem Steel. With only three games left in the season, it’s hard to see him becoming a starter after being out so long with a stress fracture. It also doesn’t help his case that Carroll and Creavalle are both playing well at his position. But if Edu’s healthy, there’s no sense not utilizing him as a midfield reserve or even as an emergency defensive replacement. The question, as always: is this the week he finally makes his season debut?

3. While Curtin’s lineup decisions played well in Toronto, one interesting one was not playing Roland Alberg. With Barnetta out, many Union fans probably expected Alberg to start at the No. 10 position — or, at the very least, come off the bench. But with the Union never falling behind, Curtin probably didn’t feel the need to bring in such an offensive-minded player. It was an understandable move considering the context but one that was surely disappointing for Alberg, who despite having nine goals in just over 1,000 minutes, has played only 19 minutes over the last three games and has started only once since the beginning of August. By now, you have to wonder what role the dynamic Dutchman will have in the playoffs — if he has one at all.

Stat of the week
With his seventh assist, the rookie Herbers moved into the top 10 in franchise history in career assists. He’s tied for ninth all time with Barnetta, Alejandro Moreno and Conor Casey.

Quote of the week
“I kind of even surprised myself.”

— Alejandro Bedoya, on his first MLS goal

Player of the week
Gotta give it to the guy who scored one of the best goals of the Union’s season, right? The Union now hope there’s more to come from Bedoya during the final stretch of the 2016 season.

Nerlens Noel on Sixers' frontcourt logjam: 'I don't see a way it can work'

Nerlens Noel on Sixers' frontcourt logjam: 'I don't see a way it can work'

CAMDEN, N.J. — Nerlens Noel is standing his ground.

After saying that the Sixers' entering the season with three starting-caliber centers (himself, Jahlil Okafor, Joel Embiid) "doesn't make sense," Noel didn't back down from his stance during the team's annual media day.  

"I don't see a way it can work," Noel said Monday. "It's just a logjam. You have three young, talented centers that can play 30-plus minutes a night." 

The Sixers attempted to play with two bigs in Noel and Okafor last season but had little success. Now that Embiid is finally healthy, the fit to the puzzle doesn't figure to get any better.

Reports swirled during the offseason that the Sixers were looking to trade either Noel or Okafor to add backcourt help to the woeful franchise, but nothing came to fruition.

"Things need to get situated," Noel said. "I think things obviously need to be moved around, someone needs to be moved around. It's just a tough situation. I can't really say too much because I have no say in the matter, so obviously that's for who can handle the situation in the right manner.

"I've gone through a whole lot. Probably the most, arguably, that any player has gone through in the NBA in losing. It's a tough situation to still be in. Year by year, to see things get more difficult to show your value. Year by year, it's always been something. It's really at a point where it's just a lot."

Bryan Colangelo said he understands Noel's viewpoint. However, the Sixers' president said he is in no rush to trade any of the centers and will wait the situation out.

"It’s not disappointing. It’s understandable," Colangelo said. "I think Nerlens actually did a pretty good job sizing up what we have, which is a lot of depth and a lot of talent at that position."

Despite each of the three centers being early in their career, Noel, who is in the final year of his rookie contract, doesn't want to hold off to see if the trio can actually mesh on the floor.

"I can't say I do really understand that (wait-and-see approach)," Noel said. "If you have a group of players, I just don't think it makes too much sense to just still come into the season with such a heavy lineup at the center position. I don't know what there is to wait and see."

Noel made sure to express that he has no issues with Okafor and Embiid and said they are some of his closest friends on the team. But when asked whether he was happy to be a Sixer, Noel deflected.

"I feel good," he said. "I'm all right, I'm in a good place right now."

Sure sounds like it.