The Evster breaks down the clammiest roster in Sixers history

The Evster breaks down the clammiest roster in Sixers history

There are some things we know for sure about this year's Sixers: Evan Turner will dribble around like a hunchback and shoot stepback jumpers off the side of the backboard. Thaddeus Young will make ridiculous corkscrew layups while occasionally smashing head first into the stanchion under the basket. Kwame Brown will do nothing. Absolutely nothing. Michael Carter-Williams will have so many letters on the back of his jersey. And Spencer Hawes will attempt to play a full season with his entire head firmly implanted inside his own anus.

BUT THE REST OF THE SQUAD?!?!

WHO KNOWS?!?!

Sam Hinkie has put together a hodgepodge of basketball no-names. Hailing from PARTS UNKNOWN, players 5 through 20 will not only be fighting for roster spots, but because of injuries to Nerlens Noel, Jason Richardson and Arnett Moultrie, also competing for actual playing time.

Don't know any of these guys? That's okay, keep reading. Below is everything you need to know about the 2014 NBA Draft Lottery winners.

Guys Who Might Not Suck as Hard as We Think They Suck

Darius Morris, point guard

The former Michigan man left Ann Arbor the second Trey Burke stepped onto campus (smart move, by the way) and is probably best known as the guy who lit up Jrue Holiday for 15 points last year in a win for the Lakers. Orrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr, you might remember him from the time he appeared on E!'s Fashion Police with Joan Rivers, Adam Lambert and GILBERT GOTTFRIED.

James Anderson, shooting guard

The Big 12 Player of the Year from Oklahoma State (that's something!) was also a first-team All American in 2010 (along with Evan Turner, John Wall, Demarcus Cousins and your boy, Scottie Reynolds). Since then, Anderson has spent three years with the Spurs, Rockets and Raptors (that's also something!), where he averaged 3.8 points a game (on 39% shooting). Buttttttttttt, you'll be happy to know that back in high school Anderson was a two-time Arkansas state high-jump champion! So if things don't work out this time around, SIXERS FLIGHT SQUAD, BABY!

The last time the Sixers picked up a guy solely because of his leaping ability, they drafted Marko Milic, the Slovenian dude who SHOCKED THE ENTIRE NATION OF SLOVENIA BY dunking over a Honda. I thought the pick was brilliant, but Marko went onto play a grand total of zero games for the Sixers. Today, Milic can be found flipping burgers at the Wendy's on 54th and City Line.

At the moment, Anderson is penciled in as the Sixers starting shooting guard.

Cliff Edwards, power forward

This is not a real person. This is just a picture of a guy that I found online, and then pasted it into this article and gave him a very generic name for a black guy. Still, I feel like Cliff could really help the Sixers out on the offensive glass.

Tony Wroten, junkyard dog

"PLAYER OF THE DAY" according to every beat writer who watched the Sixers' first practice. Coach Brown compared Wroten to a junkyard dog based on his scrappy defense and ability to chase around a basketball while slobbering all over it and ruining everyone's fun. Tony Wronie only averaged 2.6 big ones for the Grizzlies last year, but he does happen to be cousins with Nate Robinson, so there's that. Also his aunt played for the Harlem Globetrotters, which is absolutely incredible. How has ESPN not made a 30 for 30 about the Wrotens? And how friggin' annoying is it when dogs constantly try to rebound for you when you're just trying to get some shots up in the driveway?

Foreign Dudes

Solomon Alabi, center

Here is the least shocking thing you will ever read about the Nigerian-born Alabi: Before taking up basketball at age 15, he played soccer.

Now, this is wonderful, it really is. I love soccer and I love players with good footwork and I totally admit that I would kiss Hakeem Olajuwon right on his hot, wet, dreamy mouth, but every African-born basketball player in the history of this game has put "played soccer up until age 15" on his NBA resumé.

It's a given at this point. It's not surprising and it's not impressive. Not that I don't appreciate Alabi's versatility, I do, I just wish his Wikipedia page said something about how he grew up idolizing Shawn Kemp or once ate a guy's face off as opposed to "he spent his childhood kicking around a ball in the dirt just like every other person on his entire continent."

Regardless, Alabi did once have 18 rebounds in an NBA game, which is pretty impressive, until you realize that it was against the New Jersey Nets, so read into that however you want.

Tim Ohlbrecht, power forward

Let's hand this one over to NBADraft.net's Simon Dresden who had this to say about the versatile German:

"Seldom seen combination of size, scoring ability and athleticism ... Explosive qathlete for a European player ... (qathlete!) ... RUNS THE FLOOR LIKE A DEER."

Okay Dresden, calm down, just calm down. I've never seen Tim Ohlbrecht get out on the fast break, but I doubt that the 6-11, 109 kg German runs the floor like one of the smoothest, most graceful creatures to ever roam our planet. Also, deers get run over ALL THE TIME. That being said, Ohlbrecht has had a bunch of experience in Germany, playing for teams called, Brose Baskets Bamberg, Telekon Baskets Bonn, Skyliners Frankfurt and TSV Breitengüßbach!  

Also if Simon Dresden still has a job as a professional scout and writer then I don't wanna read anymore of those "The Evster is a dufus!" comments below.

And yes I realize that this just about guarantees someone writing "The Evster is a dufus!" down below.

Mac Koshwal, power forward

Another African!

Why not, Hinkie?! Why not?!

Mac is from the Sudan (RIP Manute) and not only does he not have any NBA experience, he doesn't even have a Wikipedia page. Read that sentence again. This man, who played college basketball at DePaul and recently signed an NBA contract with an actual professional basketball team, does not have a Wikipedia page. Everyone has a Wikipedia page. Jean-Ralphio from Parks and Rec has a Wikipedia page. The guy who stocks the shelves at my local Wawa -- who may or may not know how to put on his own pants -- has like seven different Wikipedia pages. Not Mac, though. Doesn't need one. Does not need one.

What Mac does have is one, pathetic highlight video on his NBADraft.net page from 2006. If my math is correct, that means that the 25-yr-old power forward was only 7 when that video was made. It is seriously the most boring highlight clip you will ever watch. It's just one, stupid, two-handed dunk shown over and over again in slow motion set to some really lame music. And it's not even a great dunk. If anything, the pass that led to the dunk was more impressive. I am telling you, it is not worth watching. But I know you see it sitting there above, only 42 seconds long and you're thinking, "Oh, how lousy could it be? I'm not doing anything for 42 seconds. I could check it out." But I'm telling you. There's no reason to watch it. It's so boring. It's seriously so-- oh, just watch it you know you wanna.

Guys Who You've Probably Heard Of, But Still Need to be Mentioned in this Article Just Because

Khalif Wyatt, bubble butt

Look, I love Bubble Butt as much as you do -- and would be super-excited if he made the team -- but if Khalif Wyatt is playing significant minutes for the Sixers this year then we are in serious trouble bubble.

Royce White, space cadet

I'm sorry. That's not fair of me to write that Royce White is a space cadet. Social Anxiety Disorder is an actual thing and I genuinely like and respect Royce. I just hope he's able to balance his illness and his basketball career so that at some point we'll get to see him slug one of those Sixers Flight Squad guys right in the tits.

Vander Blue, shooting guard

I know what you're thinking, "I know this guy! He played at Marquette! I remember him!" No, you remember his name. The guy you're thinking of is actually Jae Crowder, who was the Big East Player of the Year in 2012, and now plays for the Dallas Mavericks. Vander Blue is just a mediocre basketball player with a semi-interesting haircut. I'm sorry Vander if you're reading this. You're probably a very nice person. Maybe use this as bulletin board material? Love that little dipsy-do squiggly line in your head, though. I really do.

Hollis Thompson, future D-Leaguer

Who cares about Hollis Thompson, let's talk about former Eagles defensive tackle Hollis Thomas, who can currently be seen dressed up like a genie in a local commercial for Videon Dodge Chrysler Jeep and Ram. If you haven't seen the spot, it's incredible. Hollis wears the shaftiest, sorriest genie outfit and tries to sling minivans by sprinkling genie dust all over the place. It is honestly bizarre. Unfortunately, the clip is not online, so I couldn't embed it here, but feel free to check out my Twitter convo with Hollis yesterday wherein I tried to track down a link to the vid.


He lied. It's not on YouTube anywhere.

Still would love to get a Rammer, though.

Go Sixers?

Follow The Evster @TVMWW.

Best of NBA: Wall, Wizards top Knicks for 4th straight win

Best of NBA: Wall, Wizards top Knicks for 4th straight win

NEW YORK -- John Wall had 29 points and 13 assists, scoring Washington's final four points in the last 32 seconds as the surging Wizards beat the New York Knicks 113-110 on Thursday night.

Otto Porter Jr. made six 3-pointers for the second straight night and added 23 points, but the Wizards needed big plays from Wall down the stretch to win their fourth in a row.

He made two free throws to put Washington back on top after New York had rallied to take a 110-109 lead, then rebounded Carmelo Anthony's miss and left all the Knicks in his dust as he raced down the floor for a dunk with 13.7 seconds to play.

Anthony finished with 34 points but Wall stole the ball from Brandon Jennings to prevent the Knicks from attempting a 3-pointer that could have tied it (see full recap).

Leonard scores 34 to lead Spurs over Nuggets
SAN ANTONIO -- Kawhi Leonard scored 34 points, rookie Dejounte Murray added a season-high 24 and the San Antonio Spurs overcame a pregame injury to Pau Gasol in beating the Denver Nuggets 118-104 on Thursday night.

Denver's three-game winning streak was snapped despite a career-high 35 points from Nikola Jokic.

Leonard had his fifth straight 30-point performance, right after learning he will start for the Western Conference in the All-Star Game for the second consecutive season.

The Spurs were unexpectedly without Gasol, Tony Parker and then coach Gregg Popovich. Gasol and Parker were both late scratches due to injury, and Popovich was ejected for the first time this season.

Gasol broke the ring finger on his left (non-shooting) hand by jamming it against Kyle Anderson's shoulder during pregame warmups while attempting a running hook. The 16-year veteran center immediately clutched his hand and left the court.

X-rays revealed the break, and the Spurs said there is no timeline for Gasol's return.

Irving, James lead Cavs over Suns
CLEVELAND -- Kyrie Irving scored 26 points, All-Star teammate LeBron James had 21 points and 15 assists, and the Cleveland Cavaliers looked more like themselves at home in a 118-103 win over the Phoenix Suns on Thursday night.

The Cavs were back in Quicken Loans Arena following a six-game road trip (their longest of the season) that concluded with an embarrassing 35-point loss at Golden State. But on their home floor, they had better offensive balance and ball movement while improving to 30-11 -- the same record Cleveland had at the halfway point of its 2016 NBA championship season.

Channing Frye scored 18, Iman Shumpert 17 and James Jones 14 while filling in for star forward Kevin Love, still bothered by back spasms.

Tyson Chandler had 22 points and 16 rebounds, but the Suns lost for the fourth time in five games (see full recap).

Best of NHL: Surging Capitals rock Blues in St. Louis

Best of NHL: Surging Capitals rock Blues in St. Louis

ST. LOUIS -- Andre Burakovsky, T.J. Oshie and Evgeny Kuznetsov each had a goal and an assist to lead the Washington Capitals to a 7-3 victory over the St. Louis Blues on Thursday night.

Jay beagle, Brett Connolly, Marcus Johansson and Justin Williams also scored, and Alex Ovechkin and Daniel Winnik each had two assists to help Washington earn at least a point in its 12th straight game (10-0-2) for an NHL-best 66 points.

Braden Holtby bounced back from his roughest outing of the season with 22 saves. Holtby was pulled after giving up a season-high five goals on 26 shots in an 8-7 overtime loss at Pittsburgh on Monday. He improved to 22-8-4 and 5-0 lifetime against St. Louis (see full recap).

Grabner scores 2 goals, Rangers top Leafs
TORONTO -- Michael Grabner scored two goals against his former team, helping the New York Rangers snap a three-game losing streak with a 5-2 victory over the Toronto Maple Leafs on Thursday night.

Pavel Buchnevich, Brady Skjei and J.T. Miller added goals for New York, and Henrik Lundqvist made 23 saves following a series of rough outings.

Tyler Bozak and Zach Hyman scored for Toronto, which had a three-game winning streak stopped. The Maple Leafs had earned 21 of a possible 26 points in their previous 13 games (10-2-1). Frederik Andersen gave up four goals on 40 shots (see full recap).

Tavares leads Islanders to shutout of Stars
NEW YORK -- Getting a new coach this week didn't change things much for the Islanders -- and oddly enough, that's a good thing for New York.

John Tavares narrowly missed out on his second hat trick in a week, Thomas Greiss got his second straight shutout and the Islanders beat the Dallas Stars 3-0 on Thursday night in their first game since firing longtime coach Jack Capuano.

New York canned Capuano in the middle of his seventh season Tuesday, replacing him on an interim basis with Doug Weight (see full recap).

Niederreiter, Wild dodge letdown, edge Coyotes
ST. PAUL, Minn. -- Nino Niederreiter had two power-play goals and an assist, including the go-ahead score for the Minnesota Wild with 7:06 remaining in a 4-3 victory over Arizona on Thursday night after the Coyotes came back from a two-goal deficit.

With Shane Doan in the penalty box for hooking, Niederreiter knocked in a nifty redirect of Mikael Granlund's slap shot for the winner. Devan Dubnyk stopped 20 shots for the Wild, who are 18-2-2 in their last 22 games.

Louis Domingue made 21 saves for the Coyotes, who lost their fourth in a row and fell to 2-12-1 in their last 15 games starting with a 4-1 loss to Minnesota in Arizona on Dec. 17 (see full recap).