The Evsters Guide On: How To Make Your Own Jerseys

The Evsters Guide On: How To Make Your Own Jerseys

So you wanna be a baller.

You’ve got a dope haircut, some fresh sneaks and a $400-a-week cocaine habit, but do you have the one key attribute that certifies your P.I.M.P. status? No, I’m not talking about cocaine, you have the cocaine, you have plenty of cocaine – and I’m not talking about “power” or “respect” or “swag” or any of that dumb stuff that doesn’t really mean anything – I’m talking about a jersey, an authentic NBA jersey. Didn’t you read the title of this post? It’s not like it should be a surprise, this article is gonna be about jerseys, all about jerseys. It’s right up top in huge bold print. Geez.

For a long time now, ever since Grant Hill was collecting an NBA paycheck, authentic jerseys have been the official #1 status symbol in the hip-hop world. From rappers to hustlas to Jewish kids on the Main Line, anyone who’s anyone has rocked a jersey. Check out this incredibly cool dude stuntin’ in his 1988 Portland Trailblazers’ Clyde Drex.

Unfortunately, jerseys (and cocaine habits) are really expensive, but fortunately I’ve got a solution: make your own. Once again, shoulda read it up top. Stay with me here folks. Making your own jerseys is easy, cheap and fun – especially on cocaine!

Think about it, everything these days is Do It Yourself. There’s DIY home improvement, DIY checkout counters, DIY egg salad, so why not DIY jerseys? Plus, how frustrating is it to walk out of a sporting goods store empty handed because they didn’t have your size? Or the player you wanted? By making your own jersey you can have ANY player you want, in ANY size, while getting egg salad all over your dumb, fat face!

Currently on MitchellAndNess.com, they offer only four Sixers jerseys (AI, Moses, Doc and Wilt). And that’s fine, I love those guys and I love Mitchell and Ness, but what if you want a Sedale Threatt jawn? Or Scotty Brooks? Or Joe Jelly Bean Bryant?

Boom!

Any player you want. Any team. Any era. Not into the Sixers? More of a Washington Bullets fan? Then say hello to Jeff Ruland, Jeff Malone or JEFF THE JEFFINATOR JEFFRIES! Not even a real person! Doesn’t matter! You can literally make anyone! Sorry, did someone mention Manute Bol???

Double boom!

All right, enough greasing the wheels, obviously this is a brilliant idea –so simply follow these 12 easy steps and you’ll be on your way to being cool for the first time in your pathetic, shame-filled life.

[Be sure to check out the full photo gallery of all of The Evster's handcrafted jerseys here]

Step 1: Get a t-shirt

You don’t even have to buy one. I’m sure you have 37 old white t-shirts with deodorant-stained armpits that your wife would love for you to get rid of. So simply grab some scissors, cut off the sleeves and wammo! you’ve got a blank canvas for your brand new Anthony Mason.

If you want to be a true baller (like say, oh, I dunno, me?), you could always go out and get yourself a fresh, new blank t-shirt. Michael’s arts & crafts store has tons of colors and sizes at super cheap prices, and Modell’s has actual tank tops (made by Russell Athletic aka the shaftiest brand in the world).

Step 2: Buy some fabric markers

Crayola is my brand of choice – they’re inexpensive and come in all basic colors – but you can get by with any ole fabric marker AS LONG AS IT’S A FABRIC MARKER.

IMPORTANT: THE EVSTER DOES NOT ENDORSE NON-FABRIC MARKERS i.e. SHARPIES, FLARPEES OR ANY OTHER ARPEES. YOU CAN TELL THE FABRIC MARKERS FROM THE NON-FABRIC MARKERS BY THE FACT THAT FABRIC MARKERS SAY “FABRIC MARKERS” ON THEM.

Michael’s, Dick Blick’s (actual place!) and other arts & crafts stores have loads of other markers in various colors (which are key if you need to draw some teal pinstripes for your Charlotte Hornets Kelly Tripucka), but the Crayola pack is a great starter kit. They draw on smooth, don’t run, and stay pretty vibrant after 4 billion cycles through the washing machine with the rest of all your fat, disgusting, sweaty clothing.

Step 3: Clear off your dining room table

You’re gonna need some room to spread out and it’s not like you ever use that table anyway. I mean really, when’s the last time you sat down and enjoyed an actual dinner made by an actual person instead of sitting on the couch and shoving food into your fat, disgusting, sweaty face? Would it kill you to sit at the table like a grown-up for once? Oh my God you’re so fat!

Step 4: Put some tunes on

You’re an artist! And artists are moved by music. So depending on what jersey you’re making, pop on some tunes that will connect you to that athlete. For example, if you’re making a Shawn Kemp Sonics jerz, listen to Eazy-E. If you’re crafting a Waymond Tisdale, put on some Teddy Pendergrass. Keith Van Horn? The Goo Goo Dolls. You get the point.

ALSO IMPORTANT: THE EVSTER DOES NOT CONDONE MAKING A KEITH VAN HORN JERSEY OR ANY OTHER PLAYER WHO SUCKS REALLY, REALLY HARD. SLIGHT EXCEPTION IF YOU WANTED TO MAKE A KVH PHOENIX MERCURY OR MINNESOTA LYNX JERSEY. THOSE WOULD PROBABLY BE ACCEPTABLE.

Step 5: Make some egg salad!

At this point, you gotta be STARVING. I mean, what’s it been? Twenty minutes since you last shoved something in your fat face? Go ahead and boil 4, maybe 5 eggs for around 9 minutes. Then let them sit in some cool water so you don’t burn your goddamn fingers off when you peel the shell. You’re an artist, remember?! Your hands are your life force! After about 10 mins, peel them suckas, mash ‘em with a fork, slop on some mayonnaise, season to taste and then bang-boom-pow, you’re in Egg Salad City.

Step 6: Rip a manila folder in half

Very key!

Nobody said drawing on fabric was easy. (Actually, a few paragraphs ago I said it was easy. I lied. Nothing’s easy. That’s why people do drugs.)

Slide your half-a-manila folder inside your t-shirt to give yourself a nice, smooth surface to press against. You’ll find the marker flows much better with the folder inside, plus this prevents the ink from leaking through to the back of the jersey. If you don’t have a manila folder, you could go purchase a pack of 4 billion of ‘em at Staples for like a dollar. Or you could steal them from your office like I do (total baller move).

Step 7: Pull up or print out an image of your jersey

Some jerseys are very easy to find online (MJ, Bird, Fletch) while more obscure players (Marc Iavaroni, Nick Van Exel, Clark Griswold) can be much trickier to track down. If you can’t find a big, clear picture of the jersey you want, then search for a jersey of one of their more popular teammates and use that as your
template. For examp, if you can’t find a Rusty LaRue Wake Forest, search for Rodney Rogers or Randolph Childress. Man, how did that team ever lose a game?

Step 8: Get drawing!

No stencils, no tracing paper, no “Ohhhh I’m so scared to make my own jersey, ohhhh I’m gonna mess everything up, ohhhh I’m so fat and disgusting and alone,” you’re making your own jersey, you’re not delivering a child. Nothing matters. Just start drawing. Do everything freehand. This is art.

Step 9: Don’t color stuff in – just make some squiggly lines

If you try to color in all the numbers and letters on your jersey, you’re gonna have inconsistent saturation, and NO ONE wants inconsistent saturation. Plus, it wears out your markers and takes FOREVER. Instead, make little lines to color everything in. I learned this little secret from my brother WHO IS AN ARCHITECT. It’s much easier, has the same result, and this is honestly the only piece of worthwhile information provided in this whole entire blogpost.

Step 10: Details details details

Gotta add some deets – the NBA logo, the Warriors’ captain “C”, RIP Jerome Brown, whatever – this is what makes authentic jerseys so awesome. Well, this and the fact that chicks dig dudes with money.

Step 11: Let it all seep in

When you’re ready to step outside in your brand new jersey and blow peoples’ minds, chill your fat face for a second and give it a quick whirl in the dryer for like 20 minutes. The heat from the dryer makes the ink seep into the shirt (or something like that, I dunno, I read* that on the back of a cereal box once and have been doing it ever since).

*skimmed

Step 12: Take over the world

Congratulations, you are now a certifiable baller.

Pluck the stray hairs from your shoulders, put on your best pair of socks and get ready to run this town. Well, unless you did a lousy job. Then you may have to start all over. In fact, it might take you around 18 different tries before you get the hang of it. But when you doooo …

Of course, not everyone will love your jersey. I once met Sheryl Swoopes at the 2001 NBA Dunk Contest and she yelled at me for wearing a homemade Sacramento Kings C-Webb. But what does Swoopsey know about fashion? Plus, I never thought she was all that in the first place (too one-dimensional). I mean c’mon, any knucklehead can score. I was much more into Diana Taurasi, Ticha Penicheiro and Chamique Cuckoo! Cuckoo! Holdsclaw.

Speaking of women who are completely out of their minds … new moms are always putting their dumb babies in borrriiiinnnnggggg clothes that say stuff like “Daddy’s Little Sweetheart” and “Future Doctor” and “I suck at reading,” so why not make a dope onezie for your kid?

And you don’t have to stick to basketball, that’s just my preferred jersey of choice. You can make whatever the hell you want – soccer kits, hockey sweaters, whatever – this is America, goddamnit! Land of the free!

Look the bottom line is, in this great country of ours you can do whatever you want. I saw a guy on 13th and Chestnut this morning talking to a door. No one bothered him. Pretty sure he was wearing a legit Terry Dehere Seton Hall jersey. It might’ve actually been Terry Dehere. Really nice guy.

So go on, folks!

Your days of being a nobody are over!

Grab some supplies, think of that jersey you’ve always wanted and get ready to drive your wife absolutely bananas.

Or you could just contact me and I’ll make you whatever jersey you want. And I’ll only charge $15. That’s a bargain! Maybe $25 for a more difficult project like a Fat Lever Denver Nuggs or Big Country Reeves Vancouver Grizz. I CAN LITERALLY MAKE YOU WHOEVER YOU WANT.

HANK GATHERS!!!

The Evster writes a blog called TV My Wife Watches where he writes about TV his wife watches. You can follow him on Twitter @TVMWW orrrrrrrr you can look at this ridiculous photo gallery of his homemade jerseys.

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Robert Covington, Sixers show 'swagger' without Joel Embiid in comeback win

Robert Covington, Sixers show 'swagger' without Joel Embiid in comeback win

BOX SCORE

The Sixers began the season looking lost without Joel Embiid. Now they are finding ways to win when he is not on the court. 

Embiid suffered a left knee contusion in the second half of Friday’s 93-92 win over the Trail Blazers (see story). He was sidelined for the decisive 8:50 of the game (see Instant Replay).

The Sixers trailed, 81-78, when he subbed out for the second time because of the injury, and outscored the Trail Blazers, 15-11, from that point on.

So how was this team that battled with inconsistency and reliance on Embiid able to pull out a comeback win punctuated in the final seconds? Ask the Sixers and they’ll give varying answers, a sign they are getting the job done in multiple ways and aren’t relying on just one key to success.

The most glaring difference was the hero of the game. Robert Covington drained two three-pointers in the final 40 seconds. His trey from Dario Saric with 38.2 remaining cut the Trail Blazers' lead to just one, 91-90. With 4.5 to go, he nailed the game-winning three from T.J. McConnell to give the Sixers their eighth victory in 10 games (see feature highlight).

“That’s resilient Cov,” Nerlens Noel said. “It doesn’t matter if it’s a good shot or a bad shot; he’ll pull it in your face. That’s the confidence he has and that’s the confidence we need him to have. He steps up and makes two big shots like that, that’s enough said. He won us that game.”

Critics have called out Covington’s up-and-down performance from three all season. (They’ve made their feelings known with loud boos at home games.) Covington shot 5 for 12 behind the arc on the night but his 2 for 3 performance in the fourth was what mattered most. 

“I am a fighter, that’s what I have been my whole life,” he said. “Just because fans are booing me at one point doesn't mean anything. I just keep working. I am not going to let that deteriorate my game. It goes in one ear and out the other.”

Without Embiid in the game, the Sixers had to rely on a total team effort. After he went to the bench, the final points were scored by a combination of Covington, Gerald Henderson, Noel, Timothe Luwawu-Cabarrot and McConnell.

“Ball movement,” head coach Brett Brown said. “We had 25 assists out of 36 made baskets. It’s not like we’re going to give the ball to Damian Lillard (guard for the Blazers). That’s not who we are. Whatever we do, it has to be done by committee, by a group, by a team. It’s even more exposed when Joel isn’t in the game. They did that. Unlikely people ended up with the ball sometimes in unlikely spots. … You have to move the ball. That’s what the team has learned without Joel.” 

Several of the players on the court in critical moments were from the second unit. Since Brown locked in on his rotation, the reserves don’t have a drop-off in confidence from the starters. 

“It’s the mentality,” Covington said. “Everybody has that swagger about us right now because once Joel comes out, the next person steps in and fills that void. It’s a matter of that contagious feeling that trickles into the second unit that’s making us that much more valuable.”

Then there's always defense, the foundation of any solid NBA team and a focal point for the Sixers. Noel saw that as the difference-maker when subbing in and out. The Trail Blazers scored just two points in the final 1:56. 

"The second unit goes there and does a great job guarding the yard, not letting up easy baskets," Noel said. "The offensive side is fluid motion. Guys get shots, pick-and-roll, it opens up open threes for guys, driving lines, pump fakes, it’s a great unity."

Embiid liked what he saw from a distance. He will not travel with the team to their game on Saturday against the Hawks in Atlanta. 

"I’m just happy we’ve been closing out games, and the main thing I’m really happy [about] is they’ve been able to do it without me," he said. "That’s going to give us a lot of confidence when I’m missing back-to-backs. My teammates are going to have more confidence to come in and play the same way."

Joel Embiid feels 'great' after injury scare to left knee

Joel Embiid feels 'great' after injury scare to left knee

Of the nearly 20,000 people in the Wells Fargo Center on Friday night, Joel Embiid was seemingly the least concerned when he came down and injured his left knee. 

Fans held their breath and the Sixers looked on anxiously as the standout big man got up in visible discomfort and limped off the court (see highlights). Embiid, however, wasn’t worried. 

“I knew it was OK. I just landed the wrong way,” he said after the Sixers' 93-92 win over the Trail Blazers (see Instant Replay). “I’m great. The knee’s fine. They did an MRI and stuff, everything looked good.”

Embiid ran off the court on his own, was diagnosed with a left knee contusion and was cleared to return to the game. He aggravated his knee again driving to the basket and this time, the team held him out to be careful.

“The review is that he hyperextended his left knee,” head coach Brett Brown said. “There was a minor tweak again, and for precautionary reasons only, the doctors did not allow him to return. There will be more information given as we know it. But quickly, that's what we know.”

Embiid understood the team’s decision to sideline him for the final 8:50 while the Sixers went on a comeback run (see feature highlight). He still finished the game with an 18-point, 10-rebound double-double, five assists and four blocks in only 22 minutes.

“Obviously those guys, the front office, they care about my future, so they just shut it down,” Embiid said. “But I was fine.”

Embiid will not travel to Atlanta for Saturday’s game against the Hawks (pre-scheduled rest). He expects to be available for Tuesday’s home matchup against the Clippers. 

"You know how tough he is," Nerlens Noel said. "If it isn’t anything serious, he’ll be right back. At the end of the game, he was telling me was he was feeling great and there was no pain. He wanted to come back in the game … he’s a trooper. He always gives it his all and always plays hard."

Injuries to any player are worrisome, especially a franchise centerpiece with two years of rehab (foot) behind him. The Sixers have been methodical and cautious with his playing time. Embiid is on a 28-minute restriction and can play in only one game of a back-to-back series. 

The same player who is so closely watched, though, also plays with sky-high energy that doesn’t have a brake pedal. 

“You're concerned,” Brown said of seeing Embiid get injured. “It's clear to all of us that he plays with such reckless abandon. I think that we're all going to be seeing this and feeling this regularly. From flying into stands to stalking somebody in the open court to block a shot to the collision he often is in trying to draw fouls. That's just who he is. 

“I think that as he just plays more basketball and continues to grow, to not necessarily avoid those situations, just to perhaps manage them a little bit more. Right now, he's just a young guy that's just playing that doesn't know what he doesn't know and has a fearless approach underneath all that attitude.”

Fearless is an accurate description considering Embiid's trouble-free reaction to the awkward way his leg bent (he hadn’t seen a replay). 

“I kind of had that in college, too,” he said. “I think I’m flexible, so it’s supposed to happen.”