The Evsters Guide On: How To Make Your Own Jerseys

The Evsters Guide On: How To Make Your Own Jerseys

So you wanna be a baller.

You’ve got a dope haircut, some fresh sneaks and a $400-a-week cocaine habit, but do you have the one key attribute that certifies your P.I.M.P. status? No, I’m not talking about cocaine, you have the cocaine, you have plenty of cocaine – and I’m not talking about “power” or “respect” or “swag” or any of that dumb stuff that doesn’t really mean anything – I’m talking about a jersey, an authentic NBA jersey. Didn’t you read the title of this post? It’s not like it should be a surprise, this article is gonna be about jerseys, all about jerseys. It’s right up top in huge bold print. Geez.

For a long time now, ever since Grant Hill was collecting an NBA paycheck, authentic jerseys have been the official #1 status symbol in the hip-hop world. From rappers to hustlas to Jewish kids on the Main Line, anyone who’s anyone has rocked a jersey. Check out this incredibly cool dude stuntin’ in his 1988 Portland Trailblazers’ Clyde Drex.

Unfortunately, jerseys (and cocaine habits) are really expensive, but fortunately I’ve got a solution: make your own. Once again, shoulda read it up top. Stay with me here folks. Making your own jerseys is easy, cheap and fun – especially on cocaine!

Think about it, everything these days is Do It Yourself. There’s DIY home improvement, DIY checkout counters, DIY egg salad, so why not DIY jerseys? Plus, how frustrating is it to walk out of a sporting goods store empty handed because they didn’t have your size? Or the player you wanted? By making your own jersey you can have ANY player you want, in ANY size, while getting egg salad all over your dumb, fat face!

Currently on MitchellAndNess.com, they offer only four Sixers jerseys (AI, Moses, Doc and Wilt). And that’s fine, I love those guys and I love Mitchell and Ness, but what if you want a Sedale Threatt jawn? Or Scotty Brooks? Or Joe Jelly Bean Bryant?

Boom!

Any player you want. Any team. Any era. Not into the Sixers? More of a Washington Bullets fan? Then say hello to Jeff Ruland, Jeff Malone or JEFF THE JEFFINATOR JEFFRIES! Not even a real person! Doesn’t matter! You can literally make anyone! Sorry, did someone mention Manute Bol???

Double boom!

All right, enough greasing the wheels, obviously this is a brilliant idea –so simply follow these 12 easy steps and you’ll be on your way to being cool for the first time in your pathetic, shame-filled life.

[Be sure to check out the full photo gallery of all of The Evster's handcrafted jerseys here]

Step 1: Get a t-shirt

You don’t even have to buy one. I’m sure you have 37 old white t-shirts with deodorant-stained armpits that your wife would love for you to get rid of. So simply grab some scissors, cut off the sleeves and wammo! you’ve got a blank canvas for your brand new Anthony Mason.

If you want to be a true baller (like say, oh, I dunno, me?), you could always go out and get yourself a fresh, new blank t-shirt. Michael’s arts & crafts store has tons of colors and sizes at super cheap prices, and Modell’s has actual tank tops (made by Russell Athletic aka the shaftiest brand in the world).

Step 2: Buy some fabric markers

Crayola is my brand of choice – they’re inexpensive and come in all basic colors – but you can get by with any ole fabric marker AS LONG AS IT’S A FABRIC MARKER.

IMPORTANT: THE EVSTER DOES NOT ENDORSE NON-FABRIC MARKERS i.e. SHARPIES, FLARPEES OR ANY OTHER ARPEES. YOU CAN TELL THE FABRIC MARKERS FROM THE NON-FABRIC MARKERS BY THE FACT THAT FABRIC MARKERS SAY “FABRIC MARKERS” ON THEM.

Michael’s, Dick Blick’s (actual place!) and other arts & crafts stores have loads of other markers in various colors (which are key if you need to draw some teal pinstripes for your Charlotte Hornets Kelly Tripucka), but the Crayola pack is a great starter kit. They draw on smooth, don’t run, and stay pretty vibrant after 4 billion cycles through the washing machine with the rest of all your fat, disgusting, sweaty clothing.

Step 3: Clear off your dining room table

You’re gonna need some room to spread out and it’s not like you ever use that table anyway. I mean really, when’s the last time you sat down and enjoyed an actual dinner made by an actual person instead of sitting on the couch and shoving food into your fat, disgusting, sweaty face? Would it kill you to sit at the table like a grown-up for once? Oh my God you’re so fat!

Step 4: Put some tunes on

You’re an artist! And artists are moved by music. So depending on what jersey you’re making, pop on some tunes that will connect you to that athlete. For example, if you’re making a Shawn Kemp Sonics jerz, listen to Eazy-E. If you’re crafting a Waymond Tisdale, put on some Teddy Pendergrass. Keith Van Horn? The Goo Goo Dolls. You get the point.

ALSO IMPORTANT: THE EVSTER DOES NOT CONDONE MAKING A KEITH VAN HORN JERSEY OR ANY OTHER PLAYER WHO SUCKS REALLY, REALLY HARD. SLIGHT EXCEPTION IF YOU WANTED TO MAKE A KVH PHOENIX MERCURY OR MINNESOTA LYNX JERSEY. THOSE WOULD PROBABLY BE ACCEPTABLE.

Step 5: Make some egg salad!

At this point, you gotta be STARVING. I mean, what’s it been? Twenty minutes since you last shoved something in your fat face? Go ahead and boil 4, maybe 5 eggs for around 9 minutes. Then let them sit in some cool water so you don’t burn your goddamn fingers off when you peel the shell. You’re an artist, remember?! Your hands are your life force! After about 10 mins, peel them suckas, mash ‘em with a fork, slop on some mayonnaise, season to taste and then bang-boom-pow, you’re in Egg Salad City.

Step 6: Rip a manila folder in half

Very key!

Nobody said drawing on fabric was easy. (Actually, a few paragraphs ago I said it was easy. I lied. Nothing’s easy. That’s why people do drugs.)

Slide your half-a-manila folder inside your t-shirt to give yourself a nice, smooth surface to press against. You’ll find the marker flows much better with the folder inside, plus this prevents the ink from leaking through to the back of the jersey. If you don’t have a manila folder, you could go purchase a pack of 4 billion of ‘em at Staples for like a dollar. Or you could steal them from your office like I do (total baller move).

Step 7: Pull up or print out an image of your jersey

Some jerseys are very easy to find online (MJ, Bird, Fletch) while more obscure players (Marc Iavaroni, Nick Van Exel, Clark Griswold) can be much trickier to track down. If you can’t find a big, clear picture of the jersey you want, then search for a jersey of one of their more popular teammates and use that as your
template. For examp, if you can’t find a Rusty LaRue Wake Forest, search for Rodney Rogers or Randolph Childress. Man, how did that team ever lose a game?

Step 8: Get drawing!

No stencils, no tracing paper, no “Ohhhh I’m so scared to make my own jersey, ohhhh I’m gonna mess everything up, ohhhh I’m so fat and disgusting and alone,” you’re making your own jersey, you’re not delivering a child. Nothing matters. Just start drawing. Do everything freehand. This is art.

Step 9: Don’t color stuff in – just make some squiggly lines

If you try to color in all the numbers and letters on your jersey, you’re gonna have inconsistent saturation, and NO ONE wants inconsistent saturation. Plus, it wears out your markers and takes FOREVER. Instead, make little lines to color everything in. I learned this little secret from my brother WHO IS AN ARCHITECT. It’s much easier, has the same result, and this is honestly the only piece of worthwhile information provided in this whole entire blogpost.

Step 10: Details details details

Gotta add some deets – the NBA logo, the Warriors’ captain “C”, RIP Jerome Brown, whatever – this is what makes authentic jerseys so awesome. Well, this and the fact that chicks dig dudes with money.

Step 11: Let it all seep in

When you’re ready to step outside in your brand new jersey and blow peoples’ minds, chill your fat face for a second and give it a quick whirl in the dryer for like 20 minutes. The heat from the dryer makes the ink seep into the shirt (or something like that, I dunno, I read* that on the back of a cereal box once and have been doing it ever since).

*skimmed

Step 12: Take over the world

Congratulations, you are now a certifiable baller.

Pluck the stray hairs from your shoulders, put on your best pair of socks and get ready to run this town. Well, unless you did a lousy job. Then you may have to start all over. In fact, it might take you around 18 different tries before you get the hang of it. But when you doooo …

Of course, not everyone will love your jersey. I once met Sheryl Swoopes at the 2001 NBA Dunk Contest and she yelled at me for wearing a homemade Sacramento Kings C-Webb. But what does Swoopsey know about fashion? Plus, I never thought she was all that in the first place (too one-dimensional). I mean c’mon, any knucklehead can score. I was much more into Diana Taurasi, Ticha Penicheiro and Chamique Cuckoo! Cuckoo! Holdsclaw.

Speaking of women who are completely out of their minds … new moms are always putting their dumb babies in borrriiiinnnnggggg clothes that say stuff like “Daddy’s Little Sweetheart” and “Future Doctor” and “I suck at reading,” so why not make a dope onezie for your kid?

And you don’t have to stick to basketball, that’s just my preferred jersey of choice. You can make whatever the hell you want – soccer kits, hockey sweaters, whatever – this is America, goddamnit! Land of the free!

Look the bottom line is, in this great country of ours you can do whatever you want. I saw a guy on 13th and Chestnut this morning talking to a door. No one bothered him. Pretty sure he was wearing a legit Terry Dehere Seton Hall jersey. It might’ve actually been Terry Dehere. Really nice guy.

So go on, folks!

Your days of being a nobody are over!

Grab some supplies, think of that jersey you’ve always wanted and get ready to drive your wife absolutely bananas.

Or you could just contact me and I’ll make you whatever jersey you want. And I’ll only charge $15. That’s a bargain! Maybe $25 for a more difficult project like a Fat Lever Denver Nuggs or Big Country Reeves Vancouver Grizz. I CAN LITERALLY MAKE YOU WHOEVER YOU WANT.

HANK GATHERS!!!

The Evster writes a blog called TV My Wife Watches where he writes about TV his wife watches. You can follow him on Twitter @TVMWW orrrrrrrr you can look at this ridiculous photo gallery of his homemade jerseys.

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Best of MLB: Beltre's 2 home runs lift Rangers over A's

Best of MLB: Beltre's 2 home runs lift Rangers over A's

ARLINGTON, Texas -- Adrian Beltre hit his second home run of the game with two outs in the ninth inning, a two-run shot that rallied the Texas Rangers past the Oakland Athletics 7-6 on Monday night for their third straight win.

Beltre, who finished with four hits, had two singles in his first three at-bats before hitting a solo homer in the seventh. His game-winning drive came on the first pitch from Ryan Madson (3-4).

Until then, Texas had trailed since Danny Valencia hit a two-run homer for Oakland with two outs in the first. All 13 runs in the game were scored with two outs.

Texas turned three double plays behind starter Martin Perez, who has induced a major league-best 25 in 21 games.

Valencia also had the first of three run-scoring doubles in a three-run third that gave the A's a 5-1 lead (see full recap).

Blue Jays' Sanchez wins 10th straight decision
TORONTO  -- Aaron Sanchez pitched seven shutout innings to win his 10th consecutive decision, Kevin Pillar had three hits and the Toronto Blue Jays beat the San Diego Padres 4-2 on Monday night.

Sanchez (11-1) became the first Blue Jays pitcher to win 10 straight since Roy Halladay won 15 decisions in a row in 2003. Halladay and Roger Clemens (1998) hold the club record.

Making their first appearance in Toronto, the Padres were held scoreless until Alex Dickerson hit a two-run homer off Bo Schultz in the ninth.

Dickeerson's drive into the fifth deck extended San Diego's team-record streak of games with at least one home run to 23. The 2006 Atlanta Braves were the last National League team to homer in 23 straight games.

Roberto Osuna replaced Schultz and got two outs for his 21st save (see full recap).

Orioles top Rockies for 5th straight win
BALTIMORE -- Adam Jones scored the winning run in the 10th inning on a low throw to the plate by pitcher Jordan Lyles, and the Baltimore Orioles beat the Colorado Rockies 3-2 on Monday night for their fifth straight victory.

Jones reached on a one-out single off the third-base bag and took third on a single by Jonathan Schoop. Manny Machado followed with a comebacker to Lyles, who fumbled the ball before throwing home. Catcher Nick Hundley caught the ball near the ground and lost the handle while attempting to tag the sliding Jones.

Lyles (2-3) was charged with an error on the play.

Getting two RBIs from Jones, the Orioles climbed a season-high 18 games over .500 (58-40) and improved to 37-14 at home.

Chaz Roe (1-0) worked the 10th for the win (see full recap).

Trade candidates — especially Jeremy Hellickson — lead Phils to shutout of Marlins

Trade candidates — especially Jeremy Hellickson — lead Phils to shutout of Marlins

BOX SCORE

MIAMI — Jeremy Hellickson was standing in front of his locker speaking with reporters after his second strong outing in a week against the Miami Marlins when Cameron Rupp walked by an offered his take on all the trade talk surrounding the veteran pitcher.

“He’s not going anywhere,” Rupp said loud enough for everyone in the room to hear.

Hellickson laughed at his catcher’s commentary.

“I hope not,” he said.

If Hellickson really wants to stay with the Phillies and finish out this rebuilding season instead of moving to a contender for the final two months — and possibly beyond — he did himself a disservice Monday night.

He enhanced his attractiveness to potential buyers by pitching six shutout innings in the Phillies’ 4-0 win over the Miami Marlins (see Instant Replay).

Hellickson, who sports a 3.65 ERA in 21 starts, needed just 70 pitches to get through the six innings. He was lifted for a pinch-hitter with runners on second and third and two outs in a scoreless game in the top of the seventh. Ryan Howard struck out, following Cody Asche and Peter Bourjos, as the Phillies whiffed on a golden scoring chance.

“I hated taking Hellickson out of the game there, but we had an opportunity to score and I had to go for it,” manager Pete Mackanin said.

“After we didn’t score, I didn’t think we had a chance to win this game. I just thought that with their bullpen we were in trouble.”

The Phillies ended up winning with a rally against Miami’s bullpen. Tommy Joseph delivered a clutch, two-out double against Fernando Rodney in the eighth to score Maikel Franco from first. That was the only run the Phillies needed. They tacked on three against the sloppy Marlins in the ninth to finish it off.

Hellickson, David Hernandez, Hector Neris and Jeanmar Gomez then combined to allow just one base runner in three innings to finish off the Phillies’ 11th shutout of the season. That’s the most in the majors.

“Our bullpen did a great job,” Mackanin said.

Three of the four pitchers that the Phillies used in the game — Hellickson, Hernandez and Gomez — are very much available for trades. They all pitched well with a gaggle of scouts sitting behind the backstop. A number of contending clubs — the Cubs, Orioles, Giants, Rangers and Blue Jays — had scouts at the game. Pitching, starting and relief, is high on the needs list for most of those teams.

Of course, the Marlins are looking for pitching, too. They have interest in Hellickson, though it’s not clear whether he is a top target of theirs. Maybe he will become a top target after what he’s done to the Marlins in the last week. Hellickson has pitched 14 innings over two starts against the Marlins. He has given up just six hits and a run.

“Just executing,” said the pitcher, explaining his success. “In my last two games the ball has been down for the most part. I’ve just gotten a lot of easy outs. The ball's down and not missing too many spots right now.”

Hellickson will be a free agent this winter and does not appear to be in the club’s future plan. Nonetheless, he has steadfastly said he would like to remain with the club for the rest of this season. Phillies management is not opposed to keeping Hellickson. He provides veteran stability and innings to a young rotation. But management would move Hellickson for a player that has the potential to help in the future.

Trade rumors can be distracting for a player. But Hellickson, who has been dealt twice in his career, is locked in.

“It doesn't bother me,” he said. “Once I'm in this locker room — obviously you still see it on TV and stuff — my focus is on helping us win today. Now it's on to the next start. It's been like this for a few years now so it's pretty easy to go out there right now.”

Mackanin said he had no idea what will become of Hellickson’s fate. But if the pitcher stays, he won’t complain.

“At this point, I don’t want to lose him,” Mackanin said. “I wish he could stay here. He’s that solid for us. He’s been like that the whole year.”

The Phillies needed a good pitching effort to pull this one out. Their hitters struck out 13 times, left 11 men on base and went just 1 for 9 with runners in scoring position.

“We don’t show plate discipline,” Mackanin lamented. “We’re taking fastballs early in the count that are hittable pitches. If you’re going to take fastballs early in the count that are hittable pitches, you cannot swing at breaking balls in the dirt. That’s all I can say about that. We have to have more plate discipline.”

On the positive side of that, Franco and Rupp both walked three times, and Franco’s two-out walk in the eighth became the biggest run of the game on a night when Jeremy Hellickson and his status with the Phillies was the biggest storyline.

Instant Replay: Phillies 4, Marlins 0

Instant Replay: Phillies 4, Marlins 0

BOX SCORE

MIAMI — Jeremy Hellickson continued to enhance his trade value and Tommy Joseph had the big hit in the Phillies’ 4-0 win over the Miami Marlins on Monday night.

Hellickson shut down the Marlins for the second time in a week. The next time he pitches, it could be for them. The Marlins are one of the teams interested in the veteran right-hander. Scouts from several other contending teams were in attendance for Hellickson’s strong outing.

Joseph’s two-out double in the top of the eighth broke a scoreless tie.

Phillies pitching held the Marlins to two hits. The Phils have 11 shutouts this season.

Starting pitching report
Hellickson pitched six scoreless innings and gave up just a hit and a walk while striking out one. He exited for a pinch-hitter after just 70 pitches. The right-hander has pitched 14 innings and allowed just one run in his last two starts, both against the Marlins. He has lowered his season ERA to 3.65.

Miami’s Jarred Cosart came up from Triple A and pitched five scoreless innings. However, he threw 92 pitches. He allowed three hits, a walk and struck out one.

Bullpen report 
Trade candidate David Hernandez pitched a strong seventh inning for the Phils, picking up the win. Hector Neris and Jeanmar Gomez closed it out.

Miami right-hander Kyle Barraclough came up big in the top of the seventh inning. He struck out Cody Asche, Peter Bourjos and pinch-hitter Ryan Howard with runners on second and third to preserve a 0-0 tie.

Marlins right-hander Fernando Rodney struck out the first two batters in the eighth then gave up a four-pitch walk to Maikel Franco before Joseph’s two-out double delivered the game’s first run.

Rodney took the loss.

A.J. Ramos was charged with three runs in the ninth, two unearned.

At the plate
The Phillies survived 13 strikeouts, a 1-for-9 performance with runners in scoring position and 11 men left on base to score the win.

The Phils had just six hits. Joseph had a pair of them and now has 25 RBIs in 54 games.

Cesar Hernandez gave the Phils some cushion with an RBI single in the top of the ninth. Miami’s defense fell apart after that and the Phils scored two more runs to put the game away.

Asche had a hit to break an 0-for-26 skid. Bourjos is 0 for his last 17.

Trade talk
Andres Blanco is out for six weeks so he’s no longer a trade candidate, but others are (see story).

Up next
Jerad Eickhoff (6-11, 3.98) pitches against Miami right-hander Tom Koehler (7-8, 4.42) on Tuesday night. Koehler pitched eight innings of two-run ball in beating the Phillies last week at Citizens Bank Park.