The Evsters Guide On: How To Make Your Own Jerseys

The Evsters Guide On: How To Make Your Own Jerseys

So you wanna be a baller.

You’ve got a dope haircut, some fresh sneaks and a $400-a-week cocaine habit, but do you have the one key attribute that certifies your P.I.M.P. status? No, I’m not talking about cocaine, you have the cocaine, you have plenty of cocaine – and I’m not talking about “power” or “respect” or “swag” or any of that dumb stuff that doesn’t really mean anything – I’m talking about a jersey, an authentic NBA jersey. Didn’t you read the title of this post? It’s not like it should be a surprise, this article is gonna be about jerseys, all about jerseys. It’s right up top in huge bold print. Geez.

For a long time now, ever since Grant Hill was collecting an NBA paycheck, authentic jerseys have been the official #1 status symbol in the hip-hop world. From rappers to hustlas to Jewish kids on the Main Line, anyone who’s anyone has rocked a jersey. Check out this incredibly cool dude stuntin’ in his 1988 Portland Trailblazers’ Clyde Drex.

Unfortunately, jerseys (and cocaine habits) are really expensive, but fortunately I’ve got a solution: make your own. Once again, shoulda read it up top. Stay with me here folks. Making your own jerseys is easy, cheap and fun – especially on cocaine!

Think about it, everything these days is Do It Yourself. There’s DIY home improvement, DIY checkout counters, DIY egg salad, so why not DIY jerseys? Plus, how frustrating is it to walk out of a sporting goods store empty handed because they didn’t have your size? Or the player you wanted? By making your own jersey you can have ANY player you want, in ANY size, while getting egg salad all over your dumb, fat face!

Currently on MitchellAndNess.com, they offer only four Sixers jerseys (AI, Moses, Doc and Wilt). And that’s fine, I love those guys and I love Mitchell and Ness, but what if you want a Sedale Threatt jawn? Or Scotty Brooks? Or Joe Jelly Bean Bryant?

Boom!

Any player you want. Any team. Any era. Not into the Sixers? More of a Washington Bullets fan? Then say hello to Jeff Ruland, Jeff Malone or JEFF THE JEFFINATOR JEFFRIES! Not even a real person! Doesn’t matter! You can literally make anyone! Sorry, did someone mention Manute Bol???

Double boom!

All right, enough greasing the wheels, obviously this is a brilliant idea –so simply follow these 12 easy steps and you’ll be on your way to being cool for the first time in your pathetic, shame-filled life.

[Be sure to check out the full photo gallery of all of The Evster's handcrafted jerseys here]

Step 1: Get a t-shirt

You don’t even have to buy one. I’m sure you have 37 old white t-shirts with deodorant-stained armpits that your wife would love for you to get rid of. So simply grab some scissors, cut off the sleeves and wammo! you’ve got a blank canvas for your brand new Anthony Mason.

If you want to be a true baller (like say, oh, I dunno, me?), you could always go out and get yourself a fresh, new blank t-shirt. Michael’s arts & crafts store has tons of colors and sizes at super cheap prices, and Modell’s has actual tank tops (made by Russell Athletic aka the shaftiest brand in the world).

Step 2: Buy some fabric markers

Crayola is my brand of choice – they’re inexpensive and come in all basic colors – but you can get by with any ole fabric marker AS LONG AS IT’S A FABRIC MARKER.

IMPORTANT: THE EVSTER DOES NOT ENDORSE NON-FABRIC MARKERS i.e. SHARPIES, FLARPEES OR ANY OTHER ARPEES. YOU CAN TELL THE FABRIC MARKERS FROM THE NON-FABRIC MARKERS BY THE FACT THAT FABRIC MARKERS SAY “FABRIC MARKERS” ON THEM.

Michael’s, Dick Blick’s (actual place!) and other arts & crafts stores have loads of other markers in various colors (which are key if you need to draw some teal pinstripes for your Charlotte Hornets Kelly Tripucka), but the Crayola pack is a great starter kit. They draw on smooth, don’t run, and stay pretty vibrant after 4 billion cycles through the washing machine with the rest of all your fat, disgusting, sweaty clothing.

Step 3: Clear off your dining room table

You’re gonna need some room to spread out and it’s not like you ever use that table anyway. I mean really, when’s the last time you sat down and enjoyed an actual dinner made by an actual person instead of sitting on the couch and shoving food into your fat, disgusting, sweaty face? Would it kill you to sit at the table like a grown-up for once? Oh my God you’re so fat!

Step 4: Put some tunes on

You’re an artist! And artists are moved by music. So depending on what jersey you’re making, pop on some tunes that will connect you to that athlete. For example, if you’re making a Shawn Kemp Sonics jerz, listen to Eazy-E. If you’re crafting a Waymond Tisdale, put on some Teddy Pendergrass. Keith Van Horn? The Goo Goo Dolls. You get the point.

ALSO IMPORTANT: THE EVSTER DOES NOT CONDONE MAKING A KEITH VAN HORN JERSEY OR ANY OTHER PLAYER WHO SUCKS REALLY, REALLY HARD. SLIGHT EXCEPTION IF YOU WANTED TO MAKE A KVH PHOENIX MERCURY OR MINNESOTA LYNX JERSEY. THOSE WOULD PROBABLY BE ACCEPTABLE.

Step 5: Make some egg salad!

At this point, you gotta be STARVING. I mean, what’s it been? Twenty minutes since you last shoved something in your fat face? Go ahead and boil 4, maybe 5 eggs for around 9 minutes. Then let them sit in some cool water so you don’t burn your goddamn fingers off when you peel the shell. You’re an artist, remember?! Your hands are your life force! After about 10 mins, peel them suckas, mash ‘em with a fork, slop on some mayonnaise, season to taste and then bang-boom-pow, you’re in Egg Salad City.

Step 6: Rip a manila folder in half

Very key!

Nobody said drawing on fabric was easy. (Actually, a few paragraphs ago I said it was easy. I lied. Nothing’s easy. That’s why people do drugs.)

Slide your half-a-manila folder inside your t-shirt to give yourself a nice, smooth surface to press against. You’ll find the marker flows much better with the folder inside, plus this prevents the ink from leaking through to the back of the jersey. If you don’t have a manila folder, you could go purchase a pack of 4 billion of ‘em at Staples for like a dollar. Or you could steal them from your office like I do (total baller move).

Step 7: Pull up or print out an image of your jersey

Some jerseys are very easy to find online (MJ, Bird, Fletch) while more obscure players (Marc Iavaroni, Nick Van Exel, Clark Griswold) can be much trickier to track down. If you can’t find a big, clear picture of the jersey you want, then search for a jersey of one of their more popular teammates and use that as your
template. For examp, if you can’t find a Rusty LaRue Wake Forest, search for Rodney Rogers or Randolph Childress. Man, how did that team ever lose a game?

Step 8: Get drawing!

No stencils, no tracing paper, no “Ohhhh I’m so scared to make my own jersey, ohhhh I’m gonna mess everything up, ohhhh I’m so fat and disgusting and alone,” you’re making your own jersey, you’re not delivering a child. Nothing matters. Just start drawing. Do everything freehand. This is art.

Step 9: Don’t color stuff in – just make some squiggly lines

If you try to color in all the numbers and letters on your jersey, you’re gonna have inconsistent saturation, and NO ONE wants inconsistent saturation. Plus, it wears out your markers and takes FOREVER. Instead, make little lines to color everything in. I learned this little secret from my brother WHO IS AN ARCHITECT. It’s much easier, has the same result, and this is honestly the only piece of worthwhile information provided in this whole entire blogpost.

Step 10: Details details details

Gotta add some deets – the NBA logo, the Warriors’ captain “C”, RIP Jerome Brown, whatever – this is what makes authentic jerseys so awesome. Well, this and the fact that chicks dig dudes with money.

Step 11: Let it all seep in

When you’re ready to step outside in your brand new jersey and blow peoples’ minds, chill your fat face for a second and give it a quick whirl in the dryer for like 20 minutes. The heat from the dryer makes the ink seep into the shirt (or something like that, I dunno, I read* that on the back of a cereal box once and have been doing it ever since).

*skimmed

Step 12: Take over the world

Congratulations, you are now a certifiable baller.

Pluck the stray hairs from your shoulders, put on your best pair of socks and get ready to run this town. Well, unless you did a lousy job. Then you may have to start all over. In fact, it might take you around 18 different tries before you get the hang of it. But when you doooo …

Of course, not everyone will love your jersey. I once met Sheryl Swoopes at the 2001 NBA Dunk Contest and she yelled at me for wearing a homemade Sacramento Kings C-Webb. But what does Swoopsey know about fashion? Plus, I never thought she was all that in the first place (too one-dimensional). I mean c’mon, any knucklehead can score. I was much more into Diana Taurasi, Ticha Penicheiro and Chamique Cuckoo! Cuckoo! Holdsclaw.

Speaking of women who are completely out of their minds … new moms are always putting their dumb babies in borrriiiinnnnggggg clothes that say stuff like “Daddy’s Little Sweetheart” and “Future Doctor” and “I suck at reading,” so why not make a dope onezie for your kid?

And you don’t have to stick to basketball, that’s just my preferred jersey of choice. You can make whatever the hell you want – soccer kits, hockey sweaters, whatever – this is America, goddamnit! Land of the free!

Look the bottom line is, in this great country of ours you can do whatever you want. I saw a guy on 13th and Chestnut this morning talking to a door. No one bothered him. Pretty sure he was wearing a legit Terry Dehere Seton Hall jersey. It might’ve actually been Terry Dehere. Really nice guy.

So go on, folks!

Your days of being a nobody are over!

Grab some supplies, think of that jersey you’ve always wanted and get ready to drive your wife absolutely bananas.

Or you could just contact me and I’ll make you whatever jersey you want. And I’ll only charge $15. That’s a bargain! Maybe $25 for a more difficult project like a Fat Lever Denver Nuggs or Big Country Reeves Vancouver Grizz. I CAN LITERALLY MAKE YOU WHOEVER YOU WANT.

HANK GATHERS!!!

The Evster writes a blog called TV My Wife Watches where he writes about TV his wife watches. You can follow him on Twitter @TVMWW orrrrrrrr you can look at this ridiculous photo gallery of his homemade jerseys.

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LSU PG Tim Quarterman on Ben Simmons: 'He's a great teammate'

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LSU PG Tim Quarterman on Ben Simmons: 'He's a great teammate'

By now, Tim Quarterman is used to being asked about Ben Simmons.

The former LSU point guard declared for the NBA draft following his junior season and enter the same draft in which Simmons, the freshman phenom, is projected to be the No. 1 or No. 2 pick.

As Quarterman goes through his own pre-draft process, it's inevitable he'll have to field questions about his former teammate he calls “his little brother” along the way.

“He’s a great passer, he can handle the ball and he’s always there to cheer you on,” Quarterman said Monday following a workout with the Sixers on Monday. “He likes for other people to accomplish great accomplishments. He’s a great teammate.”

Simmons came under criticism during his freshman year for “quitting” on the Tigers. The team went 19-14 and failed to make the NCAA Tournament. They also chose not to participate in any other postseason tournaments. Even though Simmons averaged a team-high 19.2 points, 11.8 rebounds, 4.8 assists and 2.0 steals per game, there was question over his effort.

Quarterman said that wasn’t the case.

"Ben is a great person, a great player and he's a great competitor, so I don't think throughout the season he ever quit on us," Quarterman said. “I think he continued to play hard. I think us losing frustrated a lot of  us as competitors because we always wanted to win.”

The Sixers have an edge evaluating Simmons. While he grew up thousands of miles from Philadelphia in Australia, it just so happens Brett Brown coached Simmons' father David during his extensive coaching career in Australia. Not only does Brown know Simmons’ family, he still is closely connected to those involved in his basketball career.

“I know the people that have worked with him all across the board,” Brown said. “That’s just one of the benefits of living in the country and 20 minutes from where he grew up for 17 years, short of my Sydney days where it makes it 12 years.”

Of course Quarterman didn't work out with the Sixers just to speak on Simmons. He is also fighting for a place in the NBA as well.

"Tim did a very good job creating for others," Brandon Williams, Sixers vice president of basketball administration, said. "What I'm impressed by is he's such a nuisance defensively, his length and athleticism. Then he showed his ability to create off the bounce."

Jordan Matthews Q&A: Doug vs. Chip; playing outside; Carson Wentz's savvy

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USA Today Images

Jordan Matthews Q&A: Doug vs. Chip; playing outside; Carson Wentz's savvy

Eagles wide receiver Jordan Matthews stopped by the Quick Slants set last week and addressed a number of topics with hosts Derrick Gunn and Reuben Frank.

Matthews, entering his third NFL season, has 152 receptions for 1,869 yards and 16 touchdowns in his first two seasons.

That’s the 10th-most catches, 34th-most yards and 15th-most touchdowns in NFL history by a player in his first two seasons.

Now, he has a new receivers coach, a new offensive coordinator, a new head coach and at some point soon a new quarterback.

Matthews spoke about all of the changes the Eagles have made, his disappointment in his early-season drops last year, his expectations for this year and much more during his visit to the Comcast SportsNet studios.

Here are some highlights from that interview:

Quick Slants: What’s it been like these first few months under new head coach Doug Pederson?

Jordan Matthews: “The family atmosphere has definitely been there. Having a coach that’s played here, he understands what it’s like to be in these shoes, play in the city of Philadelphia and have these high expectations. He’s put us in a great environment these first few weeks.”

QS: What’s been your initial reaction to Doug’s offense and how you’ll be used?

Matthews: “It’s definitely very versatile. We have a lot of situations where guys get to move around a lot more in the previous offense I played in, so that’s something that a lot of us have been excited about. Me in particular, I’m really excited to have the opportunity to go outside as much as inside, so now teams won’t be able to game plan for me in just one area. It’s been great learning it. The verbiage is definitely different. It’s not one word or signs or anything like that. We’re going in the huddle and I mean Sam’s spitting out the whole encyclopedia. But guys are getting it down, guys are learning. We’re having fun with it.”

QS: How tough was it to work through the drops early in the 2015 season?

Matthews: “It’s always frustrating because sometimes you think that, OK, just because you’re putting in all these hours that the immediate results are going to come right then, but that’s the thing about work: It’s not just going in and putting in the hours, but you also have to have faith in what you’re actually doing. Sometimes you’re not going to see those immediate results, sometimes you just have to take time and you just have to be patient with it. But I just know the expectations that I have on myself ... outside expectations I know they’re always big here, but I’m always going to be my hardest critic. So whatever people thought I might have been going through, trust me, I was beating myself up more about it than anybody was. I knew that I wasn’t playing up to my expectations but at the same time I knew I had to get through it, so I was glad I was able to finish the season the way I did but also know that type of play isn’t acceptable for me or for my teammates. That’s why going into these OTAs, I’ve been really big on the details for me and the rest of my receiving group. Getting on the JUGS machine, putting in extra time in the film room, making sure that we know everything we have to do on the field. So now that we know all the X's and O's, all we can focus on then is going out there and making plays and playing fast.”

QS: Can you compare Doug Pederson and Chip Kelly?

Matthews: “It’s crazy. Growing up in Alabama, you’re around a bunch of the country, family guys and that’s definitely Doug. But I also spent some time at Vanderbilt with the smart guys and that’s Chip, so I’ve basically had a Doug Pederson and a Chip Kelly in my lifetime just from my years of playing football. I know people like to compare and do all that kind of stuff, but it’s apples and oranges. Chip, when I was playing for him, he was a new head coach, and now it’s the same way with Doug and he’s going to do some things different than maybe what people (have) seen in the past. But I’ve had great experiences with both of them. I feel like I’m extremely lucky I’ve had the opportunity to work with both these guys.

QS: You’re as close to Sam Bradford as anybody on the team. What do you think of the way he handled the offseason?

Matthews: “Sometimes those situations can be blown up a little bit, especially when it’s the quarterback position because that is looked at as the leader on the field, so Sam understands that responsibility, and Sam understands that when it’s time to ball you’ve got to come out there and you’ve got to be the leader. He took his time that he needed, but at the same time he knew it was time to get back and get to work. Obviously, nobody is going to be thrilled when somebody gets drafted at their position, especially at the No. 2 pick. But it is a business, it is a lot more than just guys going out there and throwing the football around, it is about competition. And I think that’s the best thing that’s going to come out of this: It’s going to really fuel competition. Between Sam, Chase (Daniel) and Carson (Wentz) going out there and taking reps, it’s a good ball coming out there every single time. So if you come to our practices, you’ll see me running with the 1’s, the 2’s and the 3’s and I feel like that’s the best thing about it. Because that competition is really what’s going to help us push forward. Now guys can’t get complacent. You can’t think, ‘Oh, OK, I’ve made it, I’ve arrived.’ No. Every position, we’re bringing in guys that are going to go and compete for your spot. I’m loving it. From quarterback all the way down to long snapper.”

QS: Doug has said all along that Sam is the quarterback going into the season, but offensive coordinator Frank Reich said on WIP that there is open competition everywhere, including the quarterback position. It seems like the coach and offensive coordinator are sending out different messages.

Matthews: “There are different philosophies always going to come from different people. Obviously, Coach Pederson’s the head coach and he’s the captain of the ship, so we’ve got to go with him. I like coach Frank’s attitude, everybody’s got to go out and compete. It’s extremely early, so if anything, I side with both of then. Yes, it’s Sam Bradford’s team. He has to come out and he has to be the leader that we need. He has to run the offense, and we’re all looking at him to make sure he’s the quarterback who can take us where we want to go. But at the same time, you’ve got to come in every single day that somebody’s coming for your spot and you’ve got to go work for it.”

QS: What are your early impressions of Carson Wentz?

Matthews: “When I had my first time watching film with him, the type of shots he was talking about making ... he was like, ‘Hey, if this cornerback turns his head, I might try to throw this one deep,’ and I’m like, ‘Bro, I do not think that’s where the ball’s supposed to be going.’ But ... at the same time, I like it, because you can tell he plays the edge. You can tell he has that chip. You can tell he’s a guy who wants to take risks. I think one of the biggest attributes a quarterback can have that people overlook is savvy. The great ones, the Aaron Rodgerses of the world, the Tom Bradys, the Peyton Mannings, the Brett Favres, those legends, they’re great with the X’s and O’s but they have savvy. They’re not always going to go by the book. Sometimes, they’re just going to go make a play. Sometimes they’re going to say, ‘Hey, you’re my man right here, I’m coming to you, get open, I’m going to find you on the deep ball. And the way Carson was speaking, you can tell he wants to grow into that person and be that kind of quarterback. And then also he’s just a fun guy to be around. He and I were running routes just me and him one afternoon and then he was like, ‘Hey, I want to get some conditioning in.’ And Carson wanted to run routes. He was calling plays, he’s running corners and posts and I’m throwing to him. Everybody sees that serious side to him but he just loves the game. He wants to just be out there on the field, he wants to get to know guys, he also wants to take risks and I feel like he’s going to be really big for us going into the future.”

Rick MacLeish's Flyers teammates react to his passing

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Associated Press

Rick MacLeish's Flyers teammates react to his passing

PITTSBURGH -- Former Flyers captain and Hockey Hall of Famer Bob Clarke was Rick MacLeish’s teammate for 12 years and two Stanley Cups.
 
“Ricky was the most talented player the Flyers had during the 1970s,” said a saddened Clarke on Tuesday, after the announcement of MacLeish’s death at 66 late on Memorial Day (see story).
 
“Life after hockey wasn’t fair to Ricky. He left us far too soon.”
 
The center from Lindsay, Ontario, had been hospitalized in Philadelphia since mid-May while suffering from multiple medical issues, according to his daughter Brianna.
 
Here’s what other teammates had to say:
 
“Ricky was a special player for the Flyers,” said Bill Barber. “He always came up with scoring the big goals and he was instrumental helping us win two Stanley Cups. He will be greatly missed.”
 
Gary Dornhoefer was MacLeish's linemate with Ross Lonsberry for almost six seasons.
 
“I’ll tell you what, he was probably the fastest player on the ice,” Dornhoefer said. “As far as a wrist shot is concerned, there was no one better at getting that shot away and accurate. Ross and I would talk and say ‘let’s just give Ricky the puck and he’ll put it in.’
 
“If you look at the amount of goals he scored [328 as a Flyer], well, that’s why we kept giving him the puck. Ross and I had cement hands, so we’d pass the puck to him. The Flyers could have a mediocre game, but because of his skills as a player and the athlete that he was, he could carry us.
 
“He was that gifted. I always felt that during the years he played, he never got the recognition that he properly deserved. He was that good. It saddens me that he was such a young man and is no longer with us. That really hurts.”
 
Bob “The Hound” Kelly agreed.
 
“Rick was probably the most gifted, natural centerman that the Flyers have ever had,” Kelly said. “He was a tough kid who skated and worked hard.
 
“Although he played in the shadow of Clarkie, he was every bit as good as Clarkie. Clarkie was more of a natural leader where Rick was just quiet and simply went out there and played his heart out. He was a great guy and it is very sad that we had to lose him at such an early age.”
 
Joe Watson made a few comparisons.
 
“I’d put him up there with [Claude] Giroux, [Eric] Lindros and [Peter] Forsberg in terms of natural skill,” Watson said. “He was a great player and we’ll certainly miss him.”