The Evsters Year-End Best-Of 2012 Sixers Award Thingies

The Evsters Year-End Best-Of 2012 Sixers Award Thingies

The New Year is all about reflecting on the past,
looking forward to the future, and according to my wife: not shaving
your legs until mid March/early April. So seeing that this is the time
for Best Of columns (and because I couldn’t think of a decent thread
for this post), here are my Year-End awards for your hometown Philadorphlia
Seventy Sorxers! 

Reminder: the Sixers are currently
2 games below .500 and have lost 8 of their last 11. Also, sleeping
with a woman whose legs feel like thorn bushes can make you a littttttttle
cranky.

Here we go! 

Best Dog Who Also
Happens to Play Basketball

Nominees: Nick Young, Kwame Brown,
my friend's dog Leroy who once ate a basketball. 

Nick Young plays basketball like an 8-year-old: he shoots the
ball every time he touches it, plays no D, and gets distracted whenever
the ice cream guy comes by.

In his defense though, how could
you not? Those vanilla cones with the chocolate coating? AMAZINGGGGGG,
but they always melt the second you crack the outer shell and then drip
all over your arm causing you to miss most of the 2nd Quarter.
I was once licking the back of my wrists during a Sixers Dream Team
dance performance and locked eyes HARD with one of the dancers. I’m
pretty sure she quit later that evening. 

Kwame? I just feel sorry for that guy at this point. He
deserves an ice cream cone.

And Leroy is amazing except for the fact that
he will gank an ice cream cone RIGHT FROM YOUR WIFE’S HANDS when she’s
not looking. Note: This does NOT help when you’re trying to convince
your wife to let you get a dog. Other things that don’t help: leaving
your socks on the living room floor, forgetting to take the trash out
for three straight weeks, and calling your wife “Thorn Bush Legs McGee.” 

THE WINNER: Nick “RUFF RUFF!” Young

Guy Who Likes
Shooting a Basketball More Than Anyone Else Likes to Do Anything 

Nominees: Nick Young, Maalik Wayns,
My friend's 3-year-old son who seriously never passes me the ball and
is a total selfish piece of shit and also wouldn't give me any of his
mac and cheese the other day when he only ate like half of what was
in his bowl.

Here’s a scouting report on Nick Young that I obtained from a good friend
who works for the Phoenix Suns: 

NICK YOUNG LIKES TO THROW THE
BALL TOWARD THE HOOP. Let him do this becuz he’s a dawggggg. MICHAEL
BEAZ, IF YOU ARE ACTUALLY READING THIS, YOU’RE GUARDING NICK YOUNG
TONIGHT. He’s the guy who will have a shirt that says “YOUNG”
on the back, but not the “Young” who who be running around and trying
hard. I think you guys will get along really well. Also, yes Michael,
you can have an ice cream cone AFTER the game. Keyword there is “AFTER.”

Maalik Wayns at least TRIES to do other things, even though those
things often include “dribbling the ball off his foot” and “getting
his name spelled wrong.” Seriously, are we all okay with the double
A in Maalik and no relation to the Wayans Bros? Before I Googled it,
I wrote Maalik Wayns as “Malik Wayans, Mallik Waynns and Mel Torme’ans.” 

My friend’s 3-year-old son
is the Rodney Buford of basement basketball. I mean, dude, I was open
ALL DAY, and you KEPT SHOOTING? even though you went what, 2 for 30?
And yeah, pretty much every time I try to take a shot I end up hitting
the ceiling, BUT AT LEAST I GIVE IT UP ON THE 2-ON-1 BREAK AND IT’S
A REALLY LOW CEILING.

THE WINNER: RUFF RUFFFFF!!!

Guy Whose Name
is Nick and Who Sucks at Basketball 

Nominees: Nick Young, Nick Foles,
Nick Cannon

The worst thing is, some people actually like Nick Young! They like his crazy hair, his whacky shoes, but
you know what? My Aunt Maxine’s got crazy hair and whacky shoes, but
I’m not penciling her at the Two for 18 minutes a night. Also, she
shoots with two hands and once broke her wrist while carrying groceries.
IN HER DEFENSE THOUGH THEY WERE REALLY HEAVY GROCERIES. 

Nick Foles’s hair is unacceptable. UNACCEPTABLE.

I never thought I’d say this, but I kinda think
that Mariah Carey and Nick Cannon sort of work. I mean, yeah,
I’d much rather see her with a 300-pound defensive lineman who could
WEAR THAT ASS OUT, but if she’s happy with a little tweedle-dork,
then that’s nice for her. 

THE WINNER:  SWAGGALICIOUS

Best Something
About Something Oh Who Cares Let’s Just Talk More Isht on Nick Young

Look, obviously Nick Young is not the WORST basketball
player of all time – clearly that honor goes to Shawn Brads – but
he still sucks really, really hard. His career W-L record (BECAUSE REMEMBER
BASKETBALL IS A TEAM GAME) is 163-258 (and yeah I know he played for
the Wizards so that’s not entirely his fault, but it’s not like
you’re not reading this for actual basketball analysis). In his first
five seasons in the NBA (five seasons when Nick was at the PEAK OF HIS
ATHELTIC PRIME) Dr. Doggington has averaged 1.9 boards a game, 1 assist,
0.5 steals and 0.2 blocks, proving that he sucksssssss. 

At least Shawn Bradley ATTEMPTED to play defense when
dudes were ramming on his neck. Nick Young just “Olé’s” ‘em
on by and then frumps down court and parks himself in the corner to
jack another three … hashtag CLANGGGGGGG.

For the rec (and I can’t believe I just defended
Shawn Bradley in that last paragraph), the worst players in 76er history
are: 

Shawn Brads – BUT HE COULD SWING A GOLF CLUB.

Keith Van Horns – Played in 575 career NBA games despite the fact
that he was born with 37 vaginas.

Maalik Wayns – Sorry, that last line about Keith Van Horn’s
vaginas was totally sexist and obviously made up. He was actually born
with only 11 vaginas.

Best Foghorn Leghorn
Impression by a Blogger Who Will Probably Never Be Asked to Write for
The 700 Level Again 

Now listen here boy, who, now I say, I say WHO, in
the Sixers organization watched Nick Young play basketball the last
5 years and thought, “You know what? We could really use a total gunner
who enjoys shooting 22-foot fade-aways despite the fact that HE’S
NOT GOOD AT BASKETBALL.”

The worst thing is: Nick Young is an above-average
shooter with good size and decent athleticism who does ABSOLUTELY NONE
of the little things that help teams win games. And that makes me sick. 

The Sixers aren’t going anywhere this year with
lame-o dudes like Swaggy P making fans barf all over themselves. His
horrific body language and wanna-be silky-smooth demeanor is insulting
to us all. So Tony DiLeo, in 2013, why not make a few moves that at
least make this team more fun to watch? It’s time for this organization
to drop this bum and pick up a LEGIT smooth baller who is PASSIONATE.
INTENSE. PROUD.

A player who is so captivating that you can’t keep
your eyes off of him no matter how much ice cream is dripping down your
sleeves. 

Yeah, you know who I’m talkin’ about …

Charlie Villanueva. 

Smoothest legs in the biz.

 

The Evster writes a blog called
TV My Wife Watches where he writes about TV his wife watches. You can
follow him on Twitter @TVMWW. Orrrrrrrrrrrrrr you can look at this picture
of Charlie Villanueva lookin’ smoother than a muhhggg.

 


Instant Replay: Cubs 4, Phillies 1

ap-jerad-eickhoff-phillies-cubs.jpg
The Associated Press

Instant Replay: Cubs 4, Phillies 1

BOX SCORE

CHICAGO -- The Chicago Cubs continue to dominate the Phillies with extra-base hits and terrific starting pitching.
 
They beat the Phils for the second day in a row Saturday. The final score at Wrigley Field was 4-1. Right-hander Kyle Hendricks went the distance for the win. The Phils scored in the ninth inning to avoid a shutout.
 
The Phils have been held to two or fewer runs 18 times and one or fewer 11 times. They are averaging just 3.22 runs per game.
 
The Cubs, who lead the majors with 33 wins, have stroked nine extra-base hits in the first two games of the series and four of them have been homers. The Phils have just three extra-base hits, all doubles. One was a misplay by the Cubs’ outfield.
 
The Phillies are 1-4 on this six-game road trip, which started in Detroit.
 
The Phils have lost six of their last eight games and are now just three games over .500 at 26-23.
 
Starting pitching report
Eickhoff was not nearly as efficient as he was in his previous start when he threw just 85 pitches in seven innings in a 5-0 win over Atlanta. This time, Eickhoff threw a season-high 109 pitches over six innings. He gave up eight hits, four for extra bases and four runs. He walked one and struck out seven.
 
Eickhoff was tagged for three extra-bases hits in the first inning, a home run and two doubles. For the season, Eickhoff is 2-7 with a 4.07 ERA.
 
Hendricks held the Phillies to five hits, three of which were singles. He was not overpowering, but his command was exceptional. He did not walk a batter and struck out seven while throwing just 104 pitches.
 
Jon Lester held the Phillies to one earned run in 6⅓ innings Friday.
 
Bullpen report
The Cubs didn’t need one. Andrew Bailey and Elvis Araujo pitched scoreless ball for the Phillies.
 
At the plate
The Phillies had just five hits. Ryan Howard returned to the starting lineup and went 0 for 3 to drop to .154.
 
The Cubs, who hit three home runs Friday, got their power game going early as Dexter Fowler led off the bottom of the first inning with a solo homer against Eickhoff. Jason Heyward and Ben Zobrist both doubled in the inning as the Cubs went up 2-0 in the first. Heyward doubled home a run in the second inning.
 
Up next
The Phillies and Cubs close out the series Sunday afternoon. Vince Velasquez (5-1, 2.75) pitches for the Phillies against right-hander John Lackey (4-2, 3.83).
 
The Phillies return home Monday night to open a 10-game homestand that will see Washington, Milwaukee and the Cubs comes to town.

Police: Pelicans guard Bryce Dejean-Jones shot and killed in Dallas

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USA Today Images

Police: Pelicans guard Bryce Dejean-Jones shot and killed in Dallas

DALLAS -- New Orleans Pelicans rookie Bryce Dejean-Jones was fatally shot after breaking down the door to a Dallas apartment, authorities said Saturday.

Officers were called early Saturday and found the 23-year-old player collapsed in an outdoor passageway, Senior Cpl. DeMarquis Black said in a statement. Dejean-Jones was taken to a hospital where he died.

A person living at the apartment was sleeping when he heard his front door kicked open, Black said. The man retrieved a handgun and fired when Dejean-Jones began kicking the bedroom door.

Dejean-Jones was from Los Angeles and it wasn't immediately clear why he was in Dallas.

"We are devastated at the loss of this young man's life (and) who had such a promising future ahead of him," the Pelicans said in a statement.

In his only NBA season, which ended in February because of a broken right wrist, the 6-foot-6 guard started 11 of 14 games and averaged 5.6 points and 3.4 rebounds.

He was part of the 2014-15 Iowa State team that went 25-9, captured a Big 12 title and made a fourth consecutive trip to the NCAA Tournament. He was fourth on the team in scoring, averaging 10.5 points in 33 games. He shot a career-best 47.6 percent in his lone season as a Cyclone. He also played at Southern California and UNLV.

"This is a very, very sad and tragic day for everyone that's a part of the Cyclone basketball family," Iowa State coach Steve Prohm said.

Former Cyclones coach Fred Hoiberg added in a statement that Dejean-Jones was a "passionate and talented player that lived out his dream of playing in the NBA through hard work and perseverance."

Stanley Cup: Offseason moves send Sharks to final after missing playoffs

usa-logan-couture-sharks.jpg
USA Today Images

Stanley Cup: Offseason moves send Sharks to final after missing playoffs

SAN JOSE, Calif. -- After watching the San Jose Sharks miss the playoffs for the first time in more than a decade, general manager Doug Wilson set out to remake the team last offseason.

Individually, none of the moves sent shockwaves through the NHL. The Sharks hired a coach who made the playoffs once in seven seasons as an NHL coach, traded a first-round pick for a goalie who had been a backup his entire career, added two playoff-tested veterans for depth at forward and defense and signed an unheralded Finnish rookie.

Together, the additions of Peter DeBoer, Martin Jones, Joel Ward, Paul Martin and Joonas Donskoi to a solid core that had underachieved proved to be the right mix to get the Sharks to their long-awaited first Stanley Cup Final appearance.

"I thought this team has a lot of the pieces of that puzzle," Martin said. "Doug did a great job bringing guys in that he did, to make that push for it. I don't think many people would have guessed that we'd be here right now, but I think we believed."

The players all said the disappointment of blowing a 3-0 series lead to Los Angeles in 2014 and then missing the playoffs entirely last season served as fuel for this season's success.

DeBoer also credited former coach Todd McLellan for helping put the foundation in place that he was able to capitalize on. The Sharks became the second team in the past 10 seasons to make it to the final after missing the playoffs the previous season, joining the 2011-12 Devils that pulled off the same trick in DeBoer's first season in New Jersey.

"Everyone was ready for something a little bit fresher and newer, not anything that much different," DeBoer said. "The additions that Doug made, it just came together. I inherited a similar team in New Jersey when I went in there. First time they missed the playoffs for a long time the year before I got there. I think when you go into that situation, when you have really good people like there was in New Jersey when I went in there, like I was with this group ... they're embarrassed by the year they just had, and they're willing to do and buy into whatever you're selling to get it fixed again. I think I was the benefactor of that."

The transition from McLellan to DeBoer wasn't seamless. As late as Jan. 8, the Sharks were in 13th place in the 14-team Western Conference and seemingly on the way to another missed postseason.

But with Logan Couture finally healthy after being slowed by a broken leg early in the season and the move by DeBoer to put Tomas Hertl on the top line with Joe Thornton and Joe Pavelski, the Sharks rolled after that and made the playoffs as the third-place team in the Pacific Division.

In-season additions of players like depth forwards Dainius Zubrus and Nick Spaling, physical defenseman Roman Polak and backup goaltender James Reimer helped put the Sharks in the position they are now.

"With the new coaching staff we needed to realize how we needed to play to win," Thornton said. "Once that clicked, and that probably clicked maybe early December, I think after that, we just exploded. I think that's really when we saw the depth of this team. Everybody plays a big part."

That has been especially true in the playoffs when longtime core players like Thornton, Couture, Joe Pavelski and Patrick Marleau got the support that had often been lacking during past postseason disappointments.

Jones has posted three shutouts in the playoffs, including the Game 7 second-round clincher against Nashville and back-to-back games in the conference final against St. Louis. He has proven more than capable of being an NHL starter after serving an apprenticeship as Jonathan Quick's backup in Los Angeles.

Ward scored two goals in each of the final two games of the conference final and has 11 points this postseason. Donskoi exceeded expectations just to make the team as a rookie and has solidified his spot on the second line with five goals and nine points.

Martin's steady play has allowed offensive-minded defenseman Brent Burns to roam at times and given San Jose a strong second defensive pair that had been missing in previous seasons.

Zubrus and Spaling played a big role as penalty killers and on the fourth line, while Polak has been one of the team's most physical players.

"Doug did a great job this summer, this season," Couture said. "A lot of credit needs to go to him for the guys he brought in."