Fantasy football is probably the worst name possible for fantasy football. Not that I still have dreams of playing in the Super Bowl™ – I’m 37, Jewish, and have a well-documented foot fetish – it’s just that this thing they call fantasy football, far from a fantasy.
You see, like many idiots out there, I am the commissioner of my league. It’s the shittiest, most thankless, least rewarding job in the history of the world. You know those guys at the Kentucky Derby who push those horses in the butt and sometimes get blasted in the face? This is worse.
Over the last 72 hours, I’ve had to juggle 12 grown men’s schedules in order to plan a draft. I’ve received four separate emails from bozos who after 14 years in the same league still have no idea how many wide receivers we start. Yesterday my boy Sweddies told me he couldn’t remember his login. He couldn’t remember his login. Had NO IDEA what it could be. And somehow, he thought I could help him. As if when you sign up on CBS Sportsline you automatically learn how to be an IT guy. For the record I also forgot my login, but that’s not the point.
I have dreams of playing fantasy fantasy football. In a league where people actually enjoy each other’s company, and get excited to spend one night each year surrounded by wings, beer and friendship. A league where owners make trades – or even offer trades! – and talk trash, and don’t start Dennis Pitta on his bye week. These leagues exist right? They must. I’ve heard about them. Heard tales by the water cooler of dudes who go on SEC football trips every fall. As of now my friend Larbo cannot attend this year’s draft because his wife’s “got the shits.”
So as this fantasy season fast approaches, commissioners all over America are on suicide watch. Blood pressures are boiling as we prepare for another year of being yelled at. So for all you commissioners out there goin’ through the shit, keep ya head up, follow these tips, and don’t ever, ever return anyone’s emails.
Tip #1 – Rule with an Iron Fist
It’s 12:57 on a Sunday afternoon and your boy Dorfdog just texted you that he needs to swap out Darren McFadden (who tweaked his hammy during warm-ups) in favor of Steven Jackson (who is terrible). Dorf is a nice guy. A quality dude who pays his dues on time and has never once sexted your girlfriend. Do you let it slide and make the move? Or text Dorfdog back “NOPE.”
The answer: Nooooooooo chance you make the move. There are rules in this world Dorfy, and there are rules in this league! You know damn well the rosters lock at 12:55. Yell at Dorf for at least five minutes, tell him he’s a horrible GM and has been for as long as you’ve known him. Make sure he understands that if you bend the rules for him, you have to bend them for everyone, and that’s not gonna happen because you bend the rules for NO MAN. Then give him your online password and just let him make the move. It’s fantasy football for cryin’ out loud. Who cares. It’s a made up, stupid, fictional football league that literally means nothing. Besides, you’re not really ruling with an iron fist, you’re just pretending. So the dude missed the deadline by two minutes… remember that time you pulled up to Wendy’s drive-thru two minutes after it closed and that dude still gave you a cheeseburg? That dude was nice. And so are you. And so is Dorf. It’s not his fault he looks like a mole man.
Tip #2 – Ban People
You know how to get people’s attention? Ban ‘em. Just ban ‘em right outta your league. If they don’t pay their dues, or start a Dallas Cowboy, just ban ‘em. I mean, what’s more important? Maintaining friendships you’ve had since grade school? Or feeling the power of banning? You know the answer to that question. I’m insulted you even asked.
If someone misses your draft, that’s an automatic ban. Last year I banned my buddy Loaves for just that reason – been friends with him since 3rd grade – banned ‘em straight outta the league. After receiving ohhhhhhh, I dunno, 17 reminder emails about our draft date, Loaves told me last minute that he’d have to miss it because he was flying to Seattle. On an airplane. On the one night of the year where he had an actual obligation, he scheduled a transcontinental flight. He sent his wife in his place. Best thing that ever happened to our league. She showed up in short shorts and flip flops and I’ve been sexting with her ever since. She ended up in 3rd place. Then I banned her. I desperately want her to ban me back.
Tip #3 – Draw Up a Constitution
This is imperative for all fantasy league commissioners. Draft a constitution explaining all league rules so that when people argue about stuff, you can just point to the constitushe and not have to talk to them. The constitution I wrote only has one rule: every GM must ask my permission before having sex with a dog. Not really the best constitushe, but a constitushe nonetheless. And to this day – to the best of my knowledge – not one of them has nailed a dog without my approval.
Tip #4 – Don’t Ever Ever Ever Ask People When They Wanna Have the Draft
A few years ago, my man Babs suggested we hold the draft every year on the same date: the Saturday before Labor Day. Seemed like a great idea. Seemed like a genius idea. Probably the worst idea of all time. No one knows when Labor Day is. The day literally changes every year. It’s like scheduling the draft on the fifth day of Rosh Hashanah. Babs is an idiot. He should probably be banned. Pick a draft date and stick to it. Ours is October 12th.
Tip #5 – Don’t Worry About Being a Good Commissioner
You were not put on this earth to be a fantasy football league commissioner. You were put on this earth to eat Wendy’s. This whole commish business is just something you volunteered to do one day like an idiot. You’re a perfectly fine commissioner. You think anyone has ever stood up at someone’s funeral and said, “Aw man, that Theodore, he was one hell of a commish. A master of the waiver wire!” No one wants your job. Everyone just wants cheeseburgs.
Tip #6 – Masturbate All the Time
Smart thing to do in any scenario, really.
Tip #7 – Drink Poison
Have a great season everyone!