“Yeah, I got on sneaks, but I need a new pair, ‘cause basketball courts in the summer got girls there.” – The Fresh Prince, from “Summertime”, a song that pretty much everybody knows and probably didn’t need to be explained in this opening paragraph.
I don’t know what kinda basketball courts DJ Jazzy Jeffrey and William Smith were raised on, but every court I’ve been to in the last 30 years has been filled with dudes. Tall dudes. Sweaty dudes. Dudes who literally show up to the courts with other dudes. That’s not true, I do remember playing ball with a Turkish woman once. Her name was Sarap, and she was so hot, and she hated my guts, and once scolded me – in Turkish – for shooting hook shots on 11 straight possessions.
But if Big Willy said something in a rap song, it must be true. There have to be some courts in West Philadelphia where girls hang out and watch dudes get sweaty and make plans to French them later that night. And if that is the case, and you plan on playing basketball at some point this summer, you need to be prepped on how best to handle yourself in that situation.
But look, let’s not fool ourselves here. This is not an article that will help you make out with chicks. This is simply an article that will help you not embarrass yourself in a public environment where it is already far too easy to embarrass yourself. The entire sport of basketball is predicated on embarrassing people. Breaking ankles. Getting your shot swatted. Wearing socks. Forget about looking good out there. Just don’t look like an idiot. That’s really all you should be going for. Not just in basketball, but in life. “Just try to get by without looking like a bozo.” I think Abraham Lincoln said that.
So this summer, as you lace up your Ponys and head down to the courts, simply follow these tips to save you from public humiliation.
Tip 1: Don’t Play Basketball
Who are you kidding? You are in no condition to do anything, let alone run around with humans who can jump over a horse. Just stay home, in your living room, and watch Antiques Roadshow like the rest of us. This is basically the only tip you need. But I’m guessing you’ll ignore it ‘cause you’re a big, dumb idiot.
Tip 2: If You Do Decide to Play Basketball, Try The Evster’s Patented Point at a Guy’s Feet Move (instructions below)
The best way to ingratiate yourself in the bball culture is to GET BUCKETS. So here’s a foolproof way to free yourself up on the very first possession, and get in prime position to not suck.
When you first touch the rock, dribble it straight to the top of the key – or on the wing, it doesn’t really matter – and size up your defender. Make sure you have a little room to work with, so maybe back dribble at first, freeing up some space, so it’s just you and him, mono y mono. Then, start to dribble the rock calmly (kinda like Magic Johnson) while just pointing at your defender’s feet. Real casual-like. Just pointing. Dribbling with one hand, pointing with the other. You can even make some weird facial expressions, like wrinkling your nose, or raising your eyebrows, then say something that doesn’t make any sense, like, “Watch your foot, watch your foot.” Then, look up at one of your teammates and yell, “Yo! The feet! The feet!” making no sense whatsoever, but the whole time, just pointing. Eventually (it’s inevitable), your defender will take the bait and actually look down at his feet. There’s nothing wrong with his feet. They’re just feet. But when a strange person continually points at your feet and says, “Watch your foot, watch your foot,” you have to look. As soon as your defender looks down, raise up and wap a jumper in his eye while a friend of yours mumbles, “got eeeemmm,” as you release. If you miss the shot, that’s on you. You shoulda practiced shooting off the dribble more as a kid. I got you a free open look. Knock it down.
Tip 3: The Second Time You Touch the Ball, Punt It Over a Fence
Women love men who are unpredictable. And by taking a basketball and blasting it over a fence, you’re proving to everyone that you’re a total loose cannon. If there is no fence at the court, simply kick a ball at a dog’s face. Then yell at the dog to CATCH THE BALL, DOGGIE. Remember, this is not about being good at basketball, this is about not looking stupid.
Tip 4: Don’t Make Out with Any Dudes
A common result when playing basketball is falling in love with the guy who’s guarding you. A good defender will be all up in your shirt, battling you in the trenches the entire game. He may be wearing a very nice deodorant, after-shave or even a spritz of cologne if he’s from certain neighborhoods. Be careful, you don’t want to misread the situation even if you’re getting a strong vibe. If you can’t control yourself, simply plant one on him and then punt a dog over a fence.
Good luck everybody!