The Evster: The Browns not starting Johnny Football is the biggest travesty in the history of Western Civilization

The Evster: The Browns not starting Johnny Football is the biggest travesty in the history of Western Civilization
August 22, 2014, 8:15 am
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I don’t know which Schottenheimer is in charge of the Browns these days, but that dude needs to check himself.  

This week, the Cleveland Browns named Brian Hoyer – check that, Brian Mantooth Hoyer, that’s his middle name, Mantooth, the man’s middle name is Mantooth – their week 1 starter over the one and only Johnny Boom Boom. This is a slap in the face to football fans everywhere, choosing a standard white person over the most entertaining athlete who’s come along in the last seven and a half months. The Schottenheimers are robbing us of the Johnny Ding Dong experience and I for one am NOT happy about it.

Choosing Hoyer over Johnny Meatball is just insulting.

Since coming into the league five years ago, Hoyer has had sex with zero women. ZE-RO. I know this because in 2009, Hoyer married his high school sweetheart, Lauren. When entering the league, there is nothing lamer you can do than tie the knot with your hometown hussly. Not even sure if that’s a word, hussly, in fact the more I think about it the more I realize that there is no way that hussly is a word, but still, not even I, not even I the trusty Evster would be stupid enough to marry my high school hussly. Granted, my high school hussly looked like a horse, she literally looked (and smelled) like a horse, but that’s not the point. The point is that she had a heart of gold -- a smelly, disgusting horse heart of gold -– and there is no way Johnny John John has kept in touch with any of his high school horses. I’m guessing he has burned every one of those bridges. How is he not starting?!

On top of being a born again virgj, Brian Hoyer is a terrible, terrible quarterback. In his five NFL seasons, Hoyer has never once thrown a ball through a guy’s face. He is currently UNRANKED in Matthew Berry’s top 200 fantasy players. Top 200! I have never, ever, once seen Brian Hoyer play football. I don’t even know what he looks like.

Johnny Flip Flops on the other hand… we know what he looks like!


Heisman Trophy winner… you know it. 

Flipped off the Redskins bench last week… you KNOWS it. 

Had these t-shirts made of him this week… 



This guy is very quickly becoming my favorite player ever – and he hasn’t even taken an NFL snap!

Benching Johnny Cupcakes is just the latest screwjob in a long line of screwjobs pulled by the NFL. In the past two years, we have been robbed of watching Michael Vick (I blame Rich Kotite) and Tim Tebow (so sad!). Whether or not you prefer dogs to God, you cannot deny the level 9 bonkers status that goes along with a Vick-Tebow matchup. Do you remember what it was like to watch Tebow Time? I’m not sure if you do. Because if you did, you would be nodding your head right now and saying out loud to yourself, “Yeahhhhhhhhh, Evster. I’m wit dat. I am WITTTT DAT.” 

Dude, the guy would spend three quarters throwing footballs directly to the other team’s special teams coach, and then miraculously bring his team back EVERY SINGLE TIME. In 2011, he led the Broncos to the AFC West title AND he won a playoff game. Vick, when he wasn’t getting his ribs shattered into tiny broken riblets, had the potential of jumping over a whole guy every time he touched the ball. Folks, we now live in a world where we can’t watch these guys play! Does that not ENRAGE you? Would you rather watch Vick, Tebow and Johnny Nipples, or Geno Smith and Brian MANTOOTH? The guy has literally had sex with one woman. ONE.

The NFL needs to expand. One more team – that’s all I ask – a team made up entirely of players voted on by the fans. Kinda like the Pro Bowl rosters, if in fact anyone actually took the time to vote for the Pro Bowl rosters. This team, let’s call them the Chattanooga Clams, would be made up of players we wished we could watch play football. A real life fantasy team. Obviously, the fans couldn’t pick guys like Peyton Manning or Adrian Peterson, you know, dudes who are actually good, just the remaining scraps from each team’s bench. I’m talkin’ guys you REALLY wish you could see play; like Tebow and Vick, Jared Lorenzen, Koy Detmer Jr., Doug Flutie Jr., Kim Kardashian, Ray Charles, the guy who invented Hulu, Bol Bol, you get the point. And yes I realize that roster is pretty much only quarterbacks, but those are also VERY versatile quarterbacks. Are you telling me you wouldn’t buy season tix to see the Clammers? Kimmy Kardash could be the pooch punter! Jared Lorenzen is fat!

So what is your point here, Ev? Seriously, what is your point? Because it doesn’t help to just sit back and complain about one stupid personnel decision in one stupid Midwestern town (whatever, LeBron, get over yourself!). But I have one, folks. I honestly do. I actually have a point to this article about how benching Johnny Manziel is totally reprehensible. 

The point is that the thinking in the National Football League – both in the front office and in the minds of the fans – is flawed. Fundamentally flawed. Every year it’s all about the Super Bowl™. Super Bowl™ Super Bowl™ Super Bowl™. Win win win. But every year, one team wins, and I dunno, 31 teams lose? How many teams are there in this stupid league? And yes I realize I can just look it up. But I’m obviously not going to. I’ve been watching football for over three decades and my beloved Eagles haven’t won jack. Does that mean it hasn’t been amazing? Does that mean I have not been entertained? 

That’s what this stupid game is: entertainment. Twenty-two grown men running around with their little pads on trying to entertain us and make us forget about our insignificant stupid lives. And we love it! We love every minute of it. I loved watching Wes Hopkins break that guy’s nose with his forearm. I loved seeing Vai Sikahema smash the Giants. DeSean Jax legitimately did a back flop into the endzone. A BACK FLOP, PEOPLE. 

We’ve got to stop with this win or go home mentality. “Johnny’s not ready. He doesn’t know the playbook. He eats too much cereal.” Shutttttttttt upppppppppp. Let the little shithead play. I pay $96 for NFL Red Zone. I want to see Johnny Manziel die on a football field. 

I like Nick Foles. I really do. He seems like a good dude, a decent quarterback, and what he did last year was nothing short of amazing. But the Eagles have no chance to win the Super Bowl™ this year. Not with this total toilet crew of linebackers. Not with Jeremy “Uhhhhh, folks, not sure if you’re aware of this, but I’m not nearly as good as DeSean Jackson” Maclin as our #1 receiver. I seriously do not know one player’s name on our defensive line. So why go through this season pretending like we have a chance? Why start a quarterback who is good – don’t get me wrong, he’s good – but far from explosive? If the Eagles truly cared about their fans, if they truly cared about putting an entertaining product on the field each week, there’s a dude waiting in the wings that could make this season the most magical season we’ve ever seen. 

That guy’s currently waiting in the wings, holding a clipboard just like Johnny. 

Ladies and gentlemen, it’s time for the percolator. 

It’s time for Mark Sanchez.