Sixers fans have officially lost their minds

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As far back as I can remember (which is like a week ago, maybe a week and a half), Flyers fans have always been the biggest doorknobs on the planet. Between living in South Jersey, owning their own roller blades and actually watching and caring about hockey, this collection of white people have left us scratching our heads for years. Eagles fans? They’re just idiots. Angry, delusional idiots. And Phillies fans are harmless -- made up of mostly 60-year-old women and dudes who name their dogs Chase. But Sixers fans, based on this picture alone, have always been the coolest and dopest fans around.

Until now.

After witnessing nothing but total toilet domination for the past three years, Sixers fans have lost all sense of reality. They’ve gone from knowledgeable and levelheaded to a bunch of weirdos.

But hold on a second. Before we make fun of Sixers fans for their undying love of Jerami Grant (he could be HUGE by the 2021 Eastern Conference Semis!), let's break down why Sixers fans (up until now) have been somewhat tolerable.

Like it or not, this is a basketball town. I’m sorry, Eagles fans, I know you think pro football is king around here, but I’m talking more about sports in general than just the professional teams. Think about it: everybody knows a little something about basketball because everybody plays (or has played) a little ball in their day. From gym class and driveways to CYO and rec leagues, even your mom has had her shot swatted by a much taller and better looking person at some point during her life. You can take any Jewish dorf from Huntington Valley and sit him next to a brotha from Southwest, and the two of them can break down the Pick and Roll. The same cannot be said for the ole Dump ‘n Chase. Besides, let’s face it, Philly’s not really known as a hotbed for hockey, football or baseball. But it is known for hoops. This area has produced two of the top NBA players of all time, Wilt and The Kobester. And if you’re one of those people sitting there reading this like, “Uhhhhhh, correction, Kobe’s not from Philly.” Shut up. Just shut up.

HOWEVER, pro basketball in this town, at this time, is pitiful. And yet Sixers fans have convinced themselves that it’s not so bad. We have POTENTIAL, they say. And I say. Because I’m one of them. I legitimately believe that Richaun Holmes might be good. And not just process good, but good good. Like, could potentially be better than Taj Gibson good? Maybe? Karl Malone Jr.?

We are so friggin’ whacked out of our minds, so completely hopped up on this atrocious basketball team, that we will routinely stay up til 1am on West Coast road trips just to see, JUST TO SEE, if Ish Smith can develop a legitimate chemistry with Carl Boom Boom Landry. Last week, while the Clippers went up 40, we couldn’t force ourselves to go up to bed because Richaun Holmes was straight GIVIN IT to Cole Aldrich.

“Wow, he really gets off the floor with his second jump.”

“Like a young Carl Herrera!”

And the craziest part is, we don't just watch it, we like it! We almost prefer watching this garbage-ass squad to one that has actual NBA talent. These guys play TOGETHER. They cheer each other on from the bench. When one of them shoots the ball off the side of the backboard, they don't just stand there and sulk, they hustle hard to retrieve it -- THEN they dribble the ball off their foot out of bounds. It's truly incredible.

Yes they're friggin’ terrible and yes they have Isaiah Canaan and yes I am currently on two different types of blood pressure medication, but there's just something inherently beautiful about Jakarr Sampson missing 18 straight jumpshots. And c’mon, you can't deny that they're sometimes sort of really fun to watch. Like, you'll be watching a game one night and come into work the next day and be like, “Yo. Nik Stauskus might not suck.” And your buddy will be like, “Yo! He might not suck!” And the thing is, Nik Stauskus sucks! He absolutely sucks! But as I'm sitting here right now, really thinking it over, he does kind of have a pretty sweet stroke and he’s not a bad passer and he sometimes totally RAMS off two feet and SEE?! This is what happens! This is what happens when we vlorp our minds into believing in these fools! There’s something seriously wrong with us! I am currently wearing multiple pairs of long underwear.

Earlier this year, TJ McConnell was pretty much labeled (by us) as the next John Stockton. And even though we now realize that we might've gotten a little carried away, I'm not sure if we got that carried away. He's sometimes legitimately really, really good. PLUS, I think he’s got a little Rondo in him!

Look, I'm not ready to say that I trust the process or like the process or even enjoy calling the process “the process,” but no one can really argue with what the process could bring.

If you look up what this team could've been versus what this team is, it’s hard to knock it.

Check it out:

PRE-PROCESS

PG: Jrue

2G: Kyle Korvs

SF: Iggy

PF: Thad

C: Vucevic

BENCH

Lou Will

Tony Wrotes

Evan Turner lol

MCW

Marreese Speights

Craig Brackins

Craig Buttface

 

CURRENT PROCESS

PG: Ish

2G: 2016 Lottery Pick

SF: Dario Saric

PF: Nerlens lol

C: Oak

BENCH

Jerami Grant

2016 Lottery Pick

2016 First Rounder

2016 First Rounder

RoCo

Richaun Holmes

Joel Embiid lol

47 more 2nd Rounders

Worm from that movie Rounders

 

The sheer fact that you're nodding your head right now shows how much of an idiot you really are. The team is FOUR AND THIRTY FOUR. That's a .105 winning percentage for all you Drexel Engineering majors out there. Kendall Marshall is A BUM. He literally shoots a set shot. Yet here you are, reading a 1,140-WORD ARTICLE about your beloved sh*tbox of a basketball team.

The Eagles are in the midst of a VERY exciting coaching search. The Phillies have Mikel Franco (who seems like he might be good?). The Flyers, well, I dunno, they've got Oatesy and Koblarskyev and Gribalkov to build on. The Sixers just signed Elton Brand.

Look, I’ll admit it: I like Ron Hextall. I loved when he bashed those dudes. And maybe a Dave Poulin jersey over top of a grey hooded sweatshirt isn’t that bad of a look. And maybe with the right leadership, DeMarco Murray can get back to his old self. And maybe chicks with tattoos of the Phillies “P” on the top of their feet are the sane ones. But none of those squads have four mother effing first rounders in next year’s draft.

So call me crazy, or call me an idiot, or call me Brandon Dassey Jr. It doesn’t matter to me. Because there are Ben Simmons mixtapes to be watched. And Delaware 87ers box scores to peruse. And championship parades to be planned.

Isaiah Canaan is seriously awful.

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