Week 11 NFC East Recap: Yeah, things are pretty ugly

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If you’ve come here for hope, the well is running dry. This is Philadelphia, and hope is just a word to describe the feeling right before you get a paper cut.

The Eagles will likely look back at 2015 as a missed opportunity. Dallas went on a seven game losing streak, while New York and Washington have been erratically mediocre. Had the Birds just held on to the core from last year, they would have presumably cruised to a division title and home playoff game. The entire point of this offseason was, as Jeffrey Lurie put it, to go from “good to great.” Alas, as we can now clearly see, “good” would have been more than enough in the 2015 NFC East.

Of course, there was no real way of knowing that back in June, but that doesn’t make the paper cut sting any less.

 

Washington R-Word’s

What happened: Washington had an honest-to-goodness chance to make a statement this Sunday; be the first team to defeat the Carolina Panthers (at home, no less), and they’re in first place in the NFC East.

Fortunately for all of us who root against the team with a racial slur nickname, Kirk Cousins and the Washington squad fumbled the opportunity away. Literally, Washington fumbled this one away, as a number of key fumbles ended up letting Carolina run off with this one.

For a while, Washington kept it competitive. It wasn’t competitive because of anything fantastic Cousins did, but it was competitive nonetheless. There was a 50+ yard touchdown pass to DeSean Jackson (yawn) and a 99-yard kickoff return by Andre Roberts. Both those scores kept the game tied at 14. Every time Carolina scored, it seemed Washington had a big-play answer. In essence, they were the Eagles of 2013.

After Carolina scored to take a 21-14 lead, however, Washington rookie Matt Jones fumbled in his own territory, giving the Panthers a short field. Six plays later Cam Newton threw a TD to Greg Olson (who’s everything we expected Zach Ertz to be), and the Panthers never looked back.

Sure, Washington started marching after that, but the drive came up short when Cousins, like a pair of jeans from H&M you’ve worn more than twice, was stripped in the pocket. Carolina put three more on the board before the half ended. Then on the first play of the 2nd half, Cousins was once again stripped in the pocket (WHY DON’T YOUR CLOTHES LAST, H&M!?), and the rout was officially on.

Perhaps this will slow-the-roll on the Cousins anointment coming out of D.C. last week. Sure, he won NFC Player of the Week. So did Kevin Kolb. Ask Jeffrey Lurie and whoever owns the Arizona Cardinals (I assume it’s Rod Tidwell) if that was money well spent.

Washington ended up losing 44-16, and it was amazingly only the second most embarrassing finale in the NFC East this week.

What This Means For The Eagles: Washington stinks. They may stink less than the Eagles stink, but who cares? They stink. Like the stinky Eagles, Washington is going to have moments this season (for example, last week against New Orleans) where they look impressive. The Eagles have had those moments too (for example, the 2nd half against Atlanta, or in that dream I had two weeks ago where everything worked out fine). Management needs to realize that those flashes are just aberrations, and not use them as a basis to give Sam Bradford…. sorry, I meant Kirk Cousins.... a contract extension.

Oh, and also the Eagles are technically in a tie with Washington. So if you’re going all Sam Hinkie on this one, you want Washington to start winning; the Eagles 2016 schedule will be significantly easier if they end up in 3rd place in this division.

What’s Next: Two home games against New York and Dallas. So whereas the Eagles feel dead and buried, Washington fans can get drunk this Thursday and convince themselves they still have a chance at this division.

That’s right; the franchise owned by Dan Snyder (who presumably makes his employees work Thanksgiving morning and supports the red Starbucks cups ‘cause he thinks it’s about his football team) has more to be grateful for than our beloved Eagles.

 

New York Giants

What happened: Things went about as well for New York as they could have without playing any actual football. Washington lost a game they should have, Philly lost a game they shouldn’t, and Dallas, well… Dallas won, but in the grand scheme of things it shouldn’t really matter. The Cowboys have as much impact on this division as the Moon has on my day-to-day; I know it’s up there, altering the waves and currents and all that good jazz, but except for the occasional glance here and there, I’m not really paying it any attention.

The Giants control their own destiny, and that’s a steering wheel they can probably be a little liberal with.

What This Means For The Eagles: Technically, the Eagles remain a game and a half out of the lead, and it’s technically possible they could catch this Tom Coughlin led squad. Technically.

Have stranger things happened? Sure! Donovan McNabb is in jail. That’s the same Donovan McNabb who once openly admitted he didn’t know how NFL overtimes worked, then lead the 5-4-1 Eagles to an NFC Championship game. Football is a funny game… funny in the same way Mars Attacks! was funny (there’s a lot of death and destruction, but we see a lot of faces I recognize, so it’s all in good fun!). And just like terrible yodeling turned out to be (spoiler alert!) what made the vicious aliens heads explode, so too could Chip Kelly and this squad of overpaid prima-donnas and squealers fall butt-backwards onto a solution.

Whats Next: A trip to Washington, a “home” game vs the New York Jets, then a trip down to Miami. The only negative thing that’s going to happen to the Giants the next three weeks is none of those games will feel like they’re the home team.

 

Dallas Cowboys

What happened: Behind the return of 35-year-old Tony Romo, the Dallas Cowboys got their first win since Week 2, defeating the mediocre Miami Dolphins by a score of 24-14. Go figure, huh? Turns out Miami is beatable.

Romo looked predictably rusty, and in fact had two ugly Sanchez-esque interceptions (including one in the redzone when the game was still in question). On the flip side, he did have a number of his patented spins-in-the-pockets to escape pressure, which probably was more than enough evidence for Jerry Jones to justify not investing in a backup quarterback next season.

Also, for those worried about the Jones family personal finances, Greg Hardy had two tackles (and zero sacks) this week, which cost the Cowboys approximately $305,931.50 per tackle (though only one was a solo tackle, so it could technically be argued it was actually $407,908.67 per tackle, but who am I to split a few hundred thousand dollars, right?)

None of that matters, not today. The Cowboys are relevant in the NFC East conversation in the same way I’m relevant for the Republican Presidential Nominee. Sure, all the talking heads can keep going on and on about how I still have a chance, but let’s be real for a second; it’s not happening.

What This Means For The Eagles: The Cowboys aren’t going to win the division. I wrote about this last week, and one sorry win against Miami doesn’t change that. The Cowboys need to run the table to have a chance of winning the NFC East, and they won’t. If they do, and we have to witness Greg Hardy with his facepaint and a divisional champions snap-back, then karma is officially dead.

Maybe Dallas makes some tweaks this offseason, stays healthy next year, and can return to being a strong team. To believe that, you need to bet on GM-for-Life Jerry Jones making the right tweaks, and for then-36-year-old Tony Romo to stay healthy. Thankfully for Eagles, Giants, and Washington fans, the former is the as likely as Roger Goodell asking for a paycut.

What’s Next: Thanksgiving against Carolina, and if this team becomes the one to knock the Panthers from the ranks of the undefeated, ESPN is going to become unbearable. That’ll be followed up by road games at Washington and Green Bay, and Dallas has to essentially win all of them to breath any real life into this season.

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