It turns out, the NFC East finale was as worthless as the journey to get there. It’s like we followed a road of garbage to the city dump, which should have been expected. What else would you find at the end of the garbage road? Funky hats and oversized t-shirts with “Divisional Champs” written on them? Shame on us; this was a trash path we followed, and the squalor we sit in should be no surprise.
The Eagles lost the NFC East on Saturday to a team many (myself included) expected to finish in dead last. Making matters worse, the entire season has felt like 15 consecutive roundhouse kicks to the temple. It’s like taking the last ten minutes of “Requiem for a Dream” and turning it into a 15-part movie, only with the ending from “American Beauty” where the guy gets shot in the head right when you think everything's about to be okay. So for those of you who, for some twisted reason, are looking to stay to the end of the credits to see if there’s any bonus scenes, please find below the Week 16 NFC East Recap!
This week looks at the Dallas reasons for optimism, the Giants following in the Phillies footsteps, and Washington’s path to more Washington-esque things.
Dallas Cowboys
What Happened: The free-fall continues for Dallas in a manner that would make Sam Hinkie proud. Playing 5th-string quarterback Kellen Moore, the Cowboys amassed a Bradford-esque 186 passing yards (and two turnovers) on their way to a putrid 6-16 loss against the Buffalo Bills (who were without Chip Kelly cast-off Shady McCoy). It’s the Cowboys 11th loss in their last 13 games, and don’t ask Jerry Jones about it; the camera-loving GM-for-Life skipped his typically postgame gab-sesh with reporters.
This might be the most shocking moment of the season; Jones loves talking to reporters. It’s like his favorite thing, second only to enabling domestic abusers and undermining his coaches.
Man, this game was so stupid. Do not go looking for highlights of this one, trust me. They don’t exist. Literally, if you go to the NFL app on your smartphone and click “highlights,” your mobile device will freeze, shut down, and then explode. Then, if you call the Best Buy Geek Squad or the Apple Geniuses to try to fix it, you’ll be immediately arrested for Crimes Against Machinery. Trust me, it’s not worth it.
NFL
What This Means For The Eagles: Jones has created a culture that encourages us to hate his team. This is the franchise that ditched DeMarco Murray (who by all accounts at this time last year was a perfectly reasonable and humble human being) for Dez Bryant (who by all accounts at this time last year, was a powderkeg of crazy and childish immaturity). This is the franchise that signed Greg Hardy. They signed Terrell Owens. They drafted Michael Irvin (whom you probably forgot, was arrested for a cocaine-and-strippers party back in 1996 and openly campaigned for giving Hardy a long-term deal earlier this year). They are somehow a part of the bandwagon fan culture in the same way that the LA Lakers, New York Yankees, and Duke Blue Devils are, yet they haven’t experienced a fraction of the success. They’re the baby at the adult table, spitting up food and badly in need of a new diaper.
For all these reasons and more, I despise the Dallas Cowboys and will continue to do so until the world is dust. So understand the personal turmoil it costs me when I write the following.
Dallas should be very good next year.
Of course, that will be pretty reliant on the health of one Anthony Ramiro Romo. As we saw this season, this squad is nothing without their quarterback, though they’ll likely bring in a more competent backup for 2016 (keep an eye on Washington castoff Robert Griffin III, who has a statue of himself at Baylor. #KnowYourWhy).
But if Romo is healthy, this team is scary. Don’t expect them to devalue the running back position a second year in a row, and look for the O-Line to be even better with the development of La’el Collins. Plus, they’ll be adding a Top 5 draft pick to the mix (unless they trade it to Cleveland for Johnny Football) and will have the easiest schedule in the division. Plus, Greg Hardy won’t be back, so Karma won’t be hanging around and hurting all their best players like Shane Stant.
Sure, that’s betting on the health of a 36-year old quarterback (who’s broken his collarbone three times now), a head coach who is now an uninspiring 45-42, and Jerry Jones as GM. Not the kind of bet that brings ultimate confidence, I’ll admit. However, the Cowboys appear to be in much better shape than your average 4-11 squad. They’ll be a very trendy pick going into 2016.
What’s Next: The Cowboys won’t be able to claim the number one overall pick, but they’re likely to end up in the Top 5. They finish the season against the NFC East Champion Washington R-Word’s, who will likely be resting everyone of any significance.
New York Giants
What Happened: The Giants fate was unfortunately tied to the Eagles Saturday, which means your cousin on Long Island quit on his season the same time you did. So too did the Giants, apparently, who came out all kinds of flat en route to a 49-17 “schlonging” at the hands of the quietly 10-5 Minnesota Vikings.
Eli had two interceptions in the first half, including a pick-6, and the Vikings went into halftime with a 19-3 lead. He ended the game with three. It’s incredible, without Victor Cruz or OBJ (whose suspension was upheld by James Thrash, who would somehow be an upgrade over this years crop of Iggles pass-catchers), Manning suddenly looks like the version of himself that threw 1.68 interceptions per game in 2013. It’s a wonder what Sam Bradford would do if he didn’t have receivers with JPP hands.
What This Means For The Eagles: No joke, Week 17 is actually a pretty serious scenario with implications that will extend into the 2016 season. The Birds and the GMen are currently tied at six wins apiece; if Big Blue gets the victory in Week 17, the Eagles end the year in third place in the NFC East. Obviously, an Iggles win would result in the opposite.
That makes a difference for next year. The 2015 2nd place NFC East team will have to play Seattle and Atlanta, while the 3rd place team will get St. Louis and Tampa Bay. Kelly may want to channel his inner Hinkie this Sunday in the Battle for Number Two (see what I did there? Oh, grow up!). Like, literally, Kelly may want to install Sam Hinkie at quarterback, because this Giants team has quit hard, and finding a way to lose to them would be Chip’s most impressive feat of the season.
What’s Next: The “retiring” of Tom Coughlin, which is inevitable, but still pretty unfair. Think about it: in the past ten years, have the Giants had a single roster you thought was Championship-worthy?
Sure, the 2008 squad was pretty daunting, but that was fueled partially by the 2007 Super Bowl run (the Eagles, remember, shot that repeat-bid in the leg with a little help from Plaxico Burress). Remember, the 2007 Giants started off 0-2 and many expected Coughlin to be fired before the year was out. If anything, Coughlin has overachieved this past decade in the Meadowlands.
It doesn’t help Coughlin’s cause that the 2015 version has blown a number of 4th-quarter leads. The Giants have been collapsing faster than a game of JENGA with Joe Cocker in oven-mitts, and those kinds of problems tend to land at the feet of the head coach.
That being said, at some point the seat under general manager Jerry Reese needs to be getting a little warmer. Coughlin has won not one, but two Super Bowls with rosters no one thought were Championship-competitive. So how is this his fault, and not the GM’s?
Oh, right, because of all the coaching mistakes. That seems fair. But I’d caution Giants fans to take a note from the Phillies; letting Charlie Manuel walk didn’t solve the problems Ruben Amaro was creating. So maybe a year from now, Reese will be looking for a job as a third base coach while Coughlin is driving off into the sunset jamming out to 70’s country.
Washington R-Word’s
What Happened: My my, how things can change in a season. Back in September this was the team whos team president only claim of success was that they were “winning off the field” (which, by the way, they weren’t). Now they’re winning divisions on our field. It’s the kind of thing that makes your stomach churn. I mean, it’s not as vomit-inducing as using a racial slur as a nickname for one of the most profitable businesses in sports, but still, it’s pretty stomach churning.
Why does it always come back to the name thing, you ask? Because the team name is a racial slur, that’s why! What year is it!? How is this still a thing!? Would you be allowed to give an expansion franchise this name today? Would anybody be swiping left if you had the phrase “I’ve got lots of Redskin friends” in your tinder profile? No, no, no, and no. It’s madness, like poaching elephants or having selective surgery to have your fingers webbed. We’re suppose to be better than this!
You want to know what happened? The Redskins won the NFC East. Does any part of that sound right to you?
What This Means For The Eagles: Washington is 8-7; let’s not pretend like they’re the makings of a dynasty. Dan Snyder’s club did what Washington, Dallas, and Philadelphia couldn’t; they took advantage of a weak division and got themselves a home playoff game. Hooray! More profits for Snyder.
More notably, Jay Gruden is now 3-1 against Chip Kelly, including two victories that have ended the Eagles season. If “Culture vs. Scheme” ever goes to trial, Gruden’s record vs Kelly will be Exhibit A for “scheme,” and DeSean Jackson will be Exhibit B. At what point do people start asking why the Eagles didn’t hire this guy instead?
Kirk Cousins, meanwhile, is an interesting study. For those who wish the Birds had held onto Nick Foles to see what he could do with an additional year in the system, Cousin’s success looks pretty dope. For those who wish to see Sam Bradford brought back to see what he can do with an additional year in the system, Cousin’s success again looks pretty dope. Against all probability, Cousin’s killed his biggest Achilles Heel (the boneheaded interceptions) and played the second half of the season as one of the better quarterbacks in the NFL. As a result, he’s likely going to make a ton of money this offseason and be in D.C. for a very long time.
Whether that’s good or bad for Washington fans has yet to be decided.
In an ideal world for Eagles fans, Kelly signs Bradford to a low-end deal, and he comes back in 2016 the elite QB all us gatorade-drinkers had expected. Meanwhile, Cousins gets a seven-year $120-million deal from Washington then regresses into oblivion. It’s hard to imagine right now through the hangover, tears, and sadness… but if that sort of thing happened to Washington, would it really surprise anyone?
What’s Next: Probably a comments section filled with internet trolls accusing me of being a part of the liberal media machine for calling them the “Washington R-Word’s.” (Spoiler Alert: I am). Also, a first round playoff loss to Seattle. Right? There’s no way Washington wins a playoff game, is there?
Is there?