Dude, You Should Totally Go to the Penn Relays This Weekend

Dude, You Should Totally Go to the Penn Relays This Weekend


Look,
I hate to be the one who breaks it to ya, but the Phillies stink.
They’re terrible. I mean, one of the guys on their team is named
“Laynce.” Not Lance. Laynce. That’s no way to spell a name. So the fact
that the Phils are playing at 1pm this Saturday doesn’t matter. You
don’t have to watch. Stop wasting your time, stop cheering for a bunch
of losers and go do something productive with your Saturday afternoon
for once in your boring, miserable life. Head down to Franklin Field for
the most awesome, ridiculous, exciting afternoon ever.


Don’t believe me?



Don’t think a track and field meet can be that exciting?



Keep reading, Laynce.



Keep reading.



Nonstop Bonkers Action

It
is IMPOSSIBLE to follow what the hell is going on at a track and field
meet. It’s a total whirlwind as there are approximately 37 events going
on at all times. At one end of the stadium, high school long jumpers
with really dumb haircuts pump up the crowd before launching themselves
for THE MOST IMPORTANT JUMP OF THEIR LIVES. At the other end, a
ridiculously hairy man from a country you’ve never heard of jams A GIANT
POLE INTO THE GROUND and flings himself 20 FEET INTO THE AIR like a
goddamn lunatic. If that’s not enough -- and you find yourself dizzy
from trying to keep up all the activity -- another guy SHOOTS A GUN AT
THE SKY reminding you that the LSU women’s 4x400 team and their
RIDICULOUSLY SHORT SHORTS / BATHING SUITS / WHAT DO YOU EVEN CALL THOSE
THINGS are about to run around the stadium WITH THIGHS SO STRONG THEY
COULD CRUSH YOUR FACE. It’s equal parts terrifying and wonderful. THE
GUN BLASTS COME OUT OF NOWHERE. It’s sort of erotic! You gotta see it to
believe it. I don’t know why you’re still reading this, just buy your
stupid tickets already. Just do it. What are you waiting for? Look here’s a link omg you’re so dumb just do it already, just do itttttt!!!



Tip #1 when attending: Get there early and walk around Penn’s campus.

Not
because it’s supposed to be a nice day or because Penn has a beautiful
campus (which it does), but because you’ll see tons of really really
good-looking incredibly fit athletes walking around in really dope track
suits. Sometimes you can find an entire team stretching in the park in
unbelievably compromising positions -- and even though looking at them
makes you feel horrible because you’re half the man/woman they are, it’s
still nice to stare at what the human form is supposed to look like.



USA vs. The World

All
relay races are exciting. That’s a fact. That’s a medical fact. Even
those ones where you have to carry a stupid egg on a stupid spoon and
everyone yells at you because you can’t do it and your spoon is warped!
Why do I always get a warped one?!?! But these USA vs. The World jawns
are INTENSE. Essentially, the USA enters two teams of olympic-caliber
sprinters (you’ll have heard of maybe three or four of them) to compete
against other teams made up of much more fair-skinned runners. No matter
if you’re a bike messenger from West Philly or a Princeton alum,
American pride will burst inside you as you cheer for eight American
athletes who up until that moment could’ve punched you in the face and
you wouldn’t have know who they were.




Jamaican People

Anyone
who’s not American in the crowd on Saturday will be something called a
“Jamaican.” You might be familiar with Jamaicans -- dreadlocks, Usain
Bolt, funnel cake -- but you’ve never seen ANYTHING like the Jamaicans
at Franklin Field. Screaming, chanting, TUBE TOPS. Let me tell you
something. LET ME TELL YOU SOMETHING. Jamaicans really really really
like sprinting, like REALLY like sprinting, and they’re really really
good at it.



You
know your stupid younger cousin who LOVES chicken fingers? Like, he
can’t get enough, eats them at every meal and completely freaks out
whenever you eat one off his plate even though it had been sitting there
for like 30 minutes and he was totally done with them! Yo, that’s what
Jamaican people are like with sprinting. Except, it has nothing to do
with chicken fingers and that was a horrible analogy, but you get the
point. They go absolutely mental for the sport. Usain Bolt!



High
school Jamaican kids DOMINATE the Penn Relays and they have AMAZING
haircuts. There are colleges from Jamaica, too. Who knew there were
colleges in Jamaica? Why didn’t my stupid high school guidance counselor
tell me there were colleges in Jamaica? I went to college in friggin’
Maryland. MARYLAND. Do you know how dumb that was? Do you have any idea?
Applebee’s. We had an Applebee’s on campus. Have you ever eaten at an
Applebee’s? No, of course you haven’t. It’s the only smart thing you’ve
ever done in your stupid life. Also the Jamaican jerk chicken at
Franklin Field is INCREDIBLE.



Tip #2 when attending: Buy a program.

It
seems ridiculous, I know. Spending 10 bucks on a magazine that you’ll
never look at it again, but it is TOTALLY WORTH IT. The program comes
with a schedule of all the races, so you can see what people are running
when, and when it’s safe to go spend an hour waiting in line for jerk
chicken. That thing will be your HOLY BIBLE, and you’ll feel like the
smartest dude around as you tell everyone in your section, “UP NEXT IS
THE CENTRAL LEAGUE 4X800. MARPLE NEWTOWN WON LAST YEAR IN A PHOTO FINISH
AND RIDLEY’S 1974 TEAM HOLDS THE ALL-TIME RECORD. I KNOW THIS BECAUSE I
SPENT 10 DOLLARS ON A MAGAZINE. IT HAS GLOSSY PICTURES AND A COUPON FOR
10% OFF DRY CLEANING. I AM THE KING OF SECTION 237. I AM THE
KINGGGGGG!”




Franklin Field

Built by Ben Franklin himself! The Father of Track and Field! It has a clock!



Admit It, Just Admit It, You Don’t Have Anything to Do on Saturday

Do
you know who the starting pitcher is for the Phillies on Saturday?
Jonathan Pettibone. Yep, Jonathan Pettibone. Not Jonathan Papelbon.
Jonathan Pettibone. That’s a person. A real, live, human person. And
he’s pitching for THE GREATEST STAFF OF ALL TIME on Saturday afternoon.
Ughhghhhh. Is it that hard for Ryan Howard to hit a ground ball down the
third base line??? HOW HARD IS THAT???   



Tip #3: Bring sunscreen!!!


Flyers' power play rediscovers swagger in win over Canucks

Flyers' power play rediscovers swagger in win over Canucks

BOX SCORE

VANCOUVER, British Columbia – The Flyers got some swagger back Sunday night.

But especially so on the power play, which entered Sunday's clash just 2 for 19 over the last six games.

Two markers on the man advantage helped the Flyers edge the Canucks, 3-2, at Rogers Arena in Vanvoucer (see Instant Replay).

“It all comes back to finding a way to produce – and they did that tonight,” said Flyers coach Dave Hakstol, who had called for his power-play participants to rediscover that swagger.

Hakstol’s club won for the first time in its last nine games in Western Canada. More importantly, the Flyers (28-24-7) moved within a point of the eighth and final playoff spot, currently shared by Florida and Boston, in the Eastern Conference.

Thanks to the power-play success, the Flyers built a 3-0 lead in the game’s first 23 minutes and then hung on, atoning for a sub-par effort in a one-sided loss to the Oilers in Edmonton on Thursday night.

The Flyers converted two of three power plays while blanking the Canucks on all four of their man advantages. The loss prevented the Canucks (26-28-6) from getting closer to a Western Conference playoff berth.

“I thought we were playing some pretty good hockey of late, but the pucks weren't going in,” said Flyers center Brayden Schenn, who scored the winning goal on the power play at 2:38 of the second period. “Tonight, we tightened up defensively again from Edmonton's game and were able to score a few more goals. It's a huge two points going home."

Wayne Simmonds, also on the power play, and Jakub Voracek scored the Flyers’ other goals.

“We needed a win,” Simmonds said. “Especially after the game in Edmonton, this is good for the morale."

Shayne Gostisbehere assisted on all three goals, recording the first three-point night of his career.

Schenn’s winning goal came only a minute and 27 seconds after Voracek gave the Flyers a 2-0 lead at 1:11 of the second by sending Sean Couturier’s huge rebound into a gaping net behind Canucks goaltender Ryan Miller. Voracek’s goal was his first in 10 games. He had not scored since Jan. 25 against the New York Rangers.

How did long sought-after goal make him feel?

"Like I scored a goal,” deadpanned Voracek. “We won the game. That’s the way I looked at it. It doesn't matter who scored the goals. Special teams were huge tonight. I liked our power play. We were going all 60 minutes. This one kept us in the race."

The Flyers were a well-rested team thanks to a two-day break between games and a three-day break before the start of the road trip. The Canucks, on the other hand, were playing their second of back-to-back home games with only a day’s rest following a grueling six-game United States road trip. But there was still considerable suspense over the final 30 minutes.

Markus Granlund and Jannik Hansen tallied for the Canucks, who are known as comeback artists, at 3:43 and 12:42 of the second, respectively, before the Flyers shut Vancouver down the rest of the way. Voracek indicated the Flyers were not nervous in the final frame.

"I don't think we changed anything to be honest,” he said. We were pretty tight in the neutral zone. We didn't give them much. When we had a couple of breakdowns, [Michal Neuvirth] was on his act.”

Neuvirth stopped 18 of 20 shots as the Flyers outshot the Canucks, 28-20. He enjoyed a much better start Sunday, holding the Canucks scoreless in the opening period after allowing four goals on his first 12 shots on Thursday in Edmonton. One of his better saves came with just over a minute into the game as he got his toe on Markus Granlund’s dangerous chance from in close.

"I felt good,” said Neuvirth. “I have been practicing well and playing with confidence. The last game, it didn't work out. I put that one behind me and restarted my mind and got back to work tonight.”

“I thought he was excellent,” said Hakstol. “He was calm and settled in there. You can go back through that 60 minutes and you can pick out three or four pretty darned good saves.”

Neuvirth excelled while making his fourth consecutive start and sixth in the past seven games overall.

“It feels good,” he said of the heavy workload. “It feels better when we win.”

But he was not about to get too excited. The Flyers have a tough clash at home Wednesday against NHL-best Washington and a road game Saturday at Pittsburgh's Heinz Field against the rival Penguins as part of the NHL’s Stadium Series.

“We have a tough schedule coming and we have to be ready,” Neuvirth said.

Sixers Twitter rejoices in the Kings' pick swap after DeMarcus Cousins deal

Sixers Twitter rejoices in the Kings' pick swap after DeMarcus Cousins deal

All hail the pick swap.

When word got out that the Sacramento Kings traded DeMarcus Cousins to the New Orleans Pelicans, Sixers fans on Twitter rejoiced.

On July 10, 2015, the Sixers traded away the rights to Artūras Gudaitis and Luka Mitrović, and, in return, received an unprotected 2019 first round pick, Nik Stauskas, Carl Landry, Jason Thompson and the right to swap first-round selections in the 2016 and 2017 drafts.

The Cousins move appears to significantly weaken the Kings, who are 24-33 and just 2.5 games better than the Sixers, so the pick swap looks healthier than ever.

But, for now, enjoy some samplings of Sixers Twitter from after the trade.

Here are some of the best tweets.