The Evster analyzes the hottest (and 13th best) figure skater of the Olympics

The Evster analyzes the hottest (and 13th best) figure skater of the Olympics

Look, this is not the first time that the world has fallen in love with a figure skater. In 1988, it was Katarina Witt and her perfect OH MY GAWD. In 1992, it was Nancy Kerrigan and her really clean hair. In '98, it was my college girlfriend who could literally jam a whole ice skate inside of her mouth. To this day, I have never seen a woman perform with so much poise. But now -- 16 years after I watched a woman eat a shoe -- there is a new figure skating love of my life. Canada's extremely mediocre, Kaetlyn Osmond.

Now when I say mediocre, I do not mean Kaetlyn's looks. Katelyn's looks are obviously off the charts bonkers. I'm referring to her talent, because after all this is a SPORTS blog, and I am a SPORTS blogger, and I take my SPORPS BLARGLING very seriously. That being said, don't sleep on my college gf. Could literally get the whole skate in there. Laces and everything. Although whenever the laces would dangle out of her mouth it would cause a certain Russian judge to get VERY angry and give her a MAJOR, MAJOR, MAJOR punishment.

Back to Kaetlyn, who is clearly not the besssssttttttt skater in the world, but a lovely one nonetheless. She finished in 13th place in this year's Olympics, which seemed really, really low for a woman who was clearly the most attractive skater in the field. I mean, normally in this world, the best looking people end up on top, so when something goes wrong it makes you wonder. And it got me thinking: maybe this new judging system is just as flawed as the old one. Maybe they took points away from Kaetlyn just because she's so darn sexy. If there's anyone who knows anything about being treated unfairly because they're just so incredibly good-looking, it's me. So because we're Americans, and because we can watch a sport for two days and act like we know everything about it, let's take a look back at Kaetlyn's performances and judge for ourselves.

This was Kaetlyn's opening pose. Now if it were up to me, I would've ended the whole thing right there. Just throw the flowers onto the ice, skate to the podium and start blasting Oh Canada. I mean, have you ever seen a better reaching-back/hand-caressing-her-own-cheek maneuver? Because I haven't. In fact, I have never even seen that move ATTEMPTED (during international competition). The only thing missing is a skate on her hand that she could literally jam completely and totally inside of her mouth. Unfortunately, the Olympic judges did not see it the way I did and once the music started, they made Kaetlyn actually skate during her performance. Whatever. The Olympics are so corrupt. That nail polish tho.

Another incredible move, skating while pulling off the Omega Psi Phi hand sign. Unprecedented. When I was in high school, my basketball team used to do this jawn during player introductions, but then someone started a rumor that if an actual member of the Omega Psi Phi fraternity saw a non-member do that, that they were required to punch that person right in the throat. I can't imagine that rumor was true, nor can I picture some old head with a salt-n-pepper beard leaping out of the stands to punch a stupid teenager, but we seriously stopped doin' that shit IMMEDIATELY. Kaetlyn though, she cannot be intimidated. Her armpits are so, so, so smooth.

Here's a pic for all of you who had absolutely no idea what I was talking about in the previous paragraph.

Here was Kaetlyn's first jump of her routine, the Leaping Lanny Poffo leg kick, another move that no figure skater has EVER pulled off (during international competition). Sure, others have done salchows and twirly birds, but when have you ever seen a woman jump into the air with absolutely no direction whatsoever? It's figure skating improvisation at its best.

This move is like when you go swimming with your stupid 6-year-old nephew and he's like, "Uncle Evan! Uncle Evan! Watch this!" and then he does some sort of jackknife spin kick into the pool. And then his stupid head rises up out of the water and he's like, "Did you see me?! Did you see me?!" and you're like, "Yeah, nice dude," and he's like, "Did you see my move?!" and you're like, "YES. I SAW IT. Shut up," and then you take a drag of your cigarette and try to play it cool but deep down you knew it was a totally sweet maneuver and if you tried it today you'd tear your hamstring in no fewer than 19 different places.

Kaetlyn's not really the most flexible figure skater in the world, but she's certainly more flexible than any woman (or man) that you've ever been with. Look at how much she's straining here. She's really goin' for it, that's gotta count for something. Also we haven't even talked about those naughty black gloves that she's wearin'. Lookin' like Lady Mary from Downton Abs. If Lady Mary gained like 60 pounds and was a figure skater and looked completely different.

Ugh, get over yourself, perfect little bendy Russian girl!

Ashley Wags knows what I'm talkin' bout!

While we're showing pictures of other people, check out THIS DUDE, also from Canada.

WHAT?!?

His name is Kevin Reynolds -- and he finished 15th in the men's competition -- but whooooooo caresssssszzzz, just look at that head! I have no idea what kind of hairstyle he's going for. I mean, have you ever, in your entire life? There's not one hair on his head that's facing anywhere close to the same direction as any other. How is that even comfortable? I cannot look away.

I simply cannot look away.

I'm with you, Wags!

Good for Kevin, though, you know? At least he's owning it. Standing in the middle of da rink like WHAT Y'ALL GON' DO?

I know what Kevin's gonna do: triple salchow right into the boards. Because he's the 15th best figure skater in the world and seriously falls all the time.

Kaetlyn falls a lot too, which is fine, whatever, these people skate on ICE for God's sake. Why is Scott Hamilton so hard on all the skaters by the way? He be like, "Ohhhh, I dunno Sandra, I think she might've had a bit of a two-footed landing there. THAT'll be a deduction." Really, Scott? I choked on a piece of salad today and then fell into a door. How many deductions you gon' give me?

NONE.

'CUZ I'M A GROWN-ASS MAN WITH HIGH BLOOD PRESH WHO NEEDS TO EAT SALAD FROM TIME TO TIME.

Also yogurt!

Just a little bonus pic for all of you true yogurt lovers out there.

Don't act like you ain't seen it before, Wags!

Ta daaaaa!

Follow The Evster @TVMWW.

Best of MLB: Solo homers power Cubs to win over Giants

Best of MLB: Solo homers power Cubs to win over Giants

CHICAGO -- Kris Bryant, Jason Heyward and Ben Zobrist hit solo homers, spot starter Eddie Butler pitched five effective innings and the Chicago Cubs beat the San Francisco Giants 5-1 on Thursday for their third straight win.

Mike Montgomery followed with four scoreless innings and allowed one hit in his first save.

Heyward went deep for the second time in three games and Zobrist added two singles as the Cubs took three of four games in a set with the Giants and finished a homestand at 7-2 (see full recap).

Cruz blast helps Mariners top Nationals
WASHINGTON -- Nelson Cruz greeted reliever Jacob Turner with a go-ahead, three-run homer in the sixth inning, and the Seattle Mariners beat the Washington Nationals 4-2 Thursday to stop a five-game losing streak.

Gio Gonzalez took a 2-0 lead into the sixth, when Jean Segura singled leading off and Guillermo Heredia took a called third strike. That prompted Seattle manager Scott Servais to complain from the dugout, which led to his ejection by plate umpire Adam Hamari.

Robinson Cano singled, and Washington manager Dusty Baker brought in Turner (2-3), despite Cruz having just one hit in 15 at-bats against Gonzalez. Cruz drove a belt-high slider over the fence in left-center for his 12th homer this season and a 3-2 lead. Cruz leads the AL with 40 RBIs.

Cano added an RBI single off Turner in the seventh. Seattle scored multiple runs for the first time since May 18 (see full recap).

Andriese, Rasmus help Rays blank Angels
ST. PETERSBURG, Fla. -- Matt Andriese allowed six hits over eight innings, Colby Rasmus drove in four runs and the Tampa Bay Rays salvaged a split of a four-game series with Los Angeles by beating the Angels 4-0 on Thursday.

Andriese (5-1) improved to 4-0 over his last five starts, holding the Angels to 1 for 11 with runners in scoring position. Los Angeles threatened in five innings against the right-hander.

Rasmus had a pair of key two-out hits with the bases loaded: a two-run single in the first and a fifth-inning double that made it 4-0.

Tommy Hunter got three outs to complete a six-hitter (see full recap).

Report: Lonzo Ball, Sixers considering pre-draft workout

Report: Lonzo Ball, Sixers considering pre-draft workout

It may be time for Sixers fans to start setting money aside for some Big Baller Brand gear.

Sources tell ESPN's Chris Haynes that Lonzo Ball is considering working out for the Sixers, who hold the No. 3 pick in the upcoming NBA draft.

"A final decision will be made once Ball's agent, Harrison Gaines, and Sixers general manager Bryan Colangelo have had an extensive conversation centered on the identity of the team, sources told ESPN," Haynes writes.

Haynes also states that the main concern between Ball and the Sixers would be how the former UCLA point guard would fit in on a team that plans to feature 2016 No. 1 pick Ben Simmons as the primary ball handler.

This news comes after Ball declined to work out for the Boston Celtics, who own the top pick in June's draft.

"We don't deal with [Ball's camp] all that much," Celtics president Danny Ainge said on 98.5 The Sports Hub radio during The Toucher and Rich Show Thursday. "They didn't show up at the combine, which is very common — many of the top 10 or 15 players don't show up for the combine. ... We just tried to get him in for a workout and they politely said no."

Ball's father, LaVar, has previously stated several times that his son would only work out for the Lakers, who will select at No. 2. Plus, Lonzo Ball has said he would rather be drafted by the home state Lakers instead of going at the top of the draft.

"I'm a family dude," Ball said during an interview on ESPN last month. "All my family is in L.A. So, to be able to play in front of them, I think that would mean more to me."

Even with all the pre-draft posturing and the outspoken nature of his father, Ball has proven to be a top-tier talent. The 6-foot-6 Ball averaged 14.6 points, 7.6 assists and 6.0 rebounds as a freshman at UCLA as he was named a consensus first-team All-American.

We previously looked at how Ball would blend with the Sixers, which one analyst called a "perfect" fit.

The Sixers may be having similar thoughts.