The Evster: Are you ready for co-ed beer league softball or WHAT?!?

The Evster: Are you ready for co-ed beer league softball or WHAT?!?

Uncle Ivan's Clam Shack, 6th place, Manayunk Sport & Social League (2002)

Before Hurricane Bing Bong hit Philadelphia this week and flooded baseball diamonds all over the area, co-ed softball liggs were prepping for opening day. Lucky for you, and the fact that you have NO IDEA where your cleats are, you've got another week to get ready before pulling every muscle in your dumb, fat body.

First things first, you need to find your glove. It could be in your trunk, it could be in your closet, it could literally be in your goddamn refrigerator. Seriously, when are you gonna clean that thing out? You have, no lie, probably 13 bottles of bleu cheese dressing jammed up in there. Just make sure that before next week's game, you give yourself an extra 30 to 4,000 minutes in the morning to find that jawn. You should also probably stretch before you go to work, because there's no way you're gonna get down and do butterflies in the wet, glass-covered grass. Take it from me, there is nothing worse than playing right field with a dripping wet ass. That comes from experience. I've had a dripping wet ass every day for the last 30 years of my life. I do however know where my baseball glove is... that's not true. That is simply not true.

Next, you need to play a new position. No more of this shortstop nonsense. Nobody's impressed by a guy who stops grounders with his eyeball. Have you seen some of these local infields? They're like a whack-a-mole board. I once tried to turn a double play at a middle school in Roxborough and got my foot stuck in a goddamn sink hole. During the 4th inning, Elmer Fudd stuck his big, bald head out and asked if I'd seen any wabbits. OMG that was the stupidest joke I've ever written. JK I kinda liked it!

Chicks past the age of 24 don't care how much range you have going to your left. That's high school stuff. Now they just want a dude who wears age-appropriate clothing and is not still on his parents' T-Mobile plan. That's why I play left field. By far the laziest/dopest position in the game.

This person is married to an actual woman.

No one bothers you in left. You just stand out there with your hat cocked to the side, feeling the breeze on your neck while skin cancer grows on top of your ears. And there's no better place to patrol left field than the Belmont Plateau in Fairmount Park. It's an incredible atmosphere at the Plat: marijuana smoke wafting in the air, stray dogs diggin' into dumpsters, dudes riding four-wheelers who are probably no older than 16 months old. My dream in life is to be just chillin' out in left, dancing to the beats from the parking lot, and then catch a fly ball whilst dancing. Like, not even missing a step, just shimmying up to the ball and catching it like a true asshole. My other dream in life is to go to a fraternity party and have someone be like, "Yo, the DJ didn't show up! Are there any turntablists in the house?!" And then I lower my sunglasses and whip off my belt and say, "Right here, Rico," and then spend the rest of the night blowing people's balls off by doing that lean to the side/behind the back record scratch move while all the honeys chant, "Evvvvvvvsssttteerrrrrrr!!! Evvvvvvsssttteerrrr!!!" My third dream in life is to eat a tuna melt without filling my pants with shit.

But enough about me, you're gonna do most of your damage AT THE PLATE, so you need to get one of those bonkers ceramic bats. I don't even know if that's what they're called, "ceramic bats," I just mean the ones that are white, and super light and make a popping noise when you connect. I have never seen a ball go further than when someone uses one of those bats. It's unfair. It's totally unfair. I'm sitting here twirling around an Easton 32/28, while other dudes are jackin' fools with a piece of fine handcrafted pottery.

Lastly, let's talk about those sweatpants. If you wanna wear 'em, that's fine, go for it. I fully support you wanting to show off your dork in any and all social environments. Growing up, no one ever wanted to show off their dorks. But once you turn 30, and fully recognize that women like to be told what to do in the bedroom, pressing your dork against the front of your pants becomes a pre-requisite. I'm not sure what it's a pre-requisite for, but it's definitely a pre-requisite. Regardless, when you wear sweatpants you feel more inclined to slide into home plate. And that's just wrong. Let me tell you something. Let me tell you something right now. Don't ever, ever, ever slide into the rocky dirt by home plate. It's not worth it. Nothing is worth that. Some of the most disgusting, puss cover wounds have been created by idiots who tried to dip under a catcher's tag. No one cares if you win the stupid game for your stupid team. And no one's gonna help you dress that wound the next day. Or next week. Your leg might be scarred 4 LYFE. My Uncle Ivan still walks with a limp because he tried to stretch a double into a triple. Also he has chronic hemorrhoids.

Play ball, everybody.

Or don't.

Doesn't matter to me. I'm going to Dick's to buy new sweatpants.

Follow The Evster @TVMWW.

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NFL Notes Rams' All-Pro Aaron Donald skips OTAs amid contract talks

NFL Notes Rams' All-Pro Aaron Donald skips OTAs amid contract talks

THOUSAND OAKS, Calif. -- All-Pro defensive lineman Aaron Donald has skipped the Los Angeles Rams' first day of organized team activities while he negotiates a long-term contract extension with the club.

Rams general manager Les Snead says the team knew Donald wouldn't be at their training complex Monday.

Snead acknowledged Donald's absence is because of their contract negotiations, which are reaching "the serious part." The GM is confident Donald will be a long-term fixture on the Rams' line.

The Rams exercised their fifth-year option for 2018 on Donald last month. He will make nearly $7 million next year. Snead has repeatedly said the Rams plan to sign Donald to a long-term deal.

Donald is a three-time Pro Bowler and a two-time All-Pro in his three-year career.

Vikings: Zimmer takes time off after latest eye surgery
MINNEAPOLIS -- Minnesota Vikings coach Mike Zimmer finally relented, taking some time away from the team to allow his right eye a proper recovery from his latest surgery.

Better in the spring than during the fall, he realized.

As Zimmer departed Monday for some rest and relaxation at his vacation ranch in rural Kentucky, general manager Rick Spielman said the organization anticipates a return by Zimmer "in a few weeks." Players will take the field Tuesday for the first of 13 scheduled offseason practices, including the three-day mandatory minicamp that runs June 13-15.

"We all agree Mike's health is the priority, and we believe rest and recovery are in his best interest for the long term," Spielman said.

Zimmer directed a free youth football camp Saturday at team headquarters. He revealed to reporters that he underwent an eighth procedure on the eye last week, a trying seven-month stretch that has included several unplanned operations (see full story).

Jets: Former 2nd-round pick Smith waived
FLORHAM PARK, N.J. -- Wide receiver Devin Smith has been waived from the injury list by the New York Jets.

A second-round draft pick from Ohio State in 2015, Smith rarely saw the field for the Jets. He tore his ACL during the offseason workout program after he appeared in four games last season. He started that season on the physically unable to perform list while rehabbing from another ACL tear suffered in December 2015.

If Smith clears waivers, he would revert to the Jets' injured reserve list.

"It's bad luck and bad timing because the kid worked so hard to get back," coach Todd Bowles said last month during the NFL draft. "He has to persevere and adversity will help him get stronger. But unfortunately in this game, over my course of time playing and coaching, you see these types of things. Some of the best athletes get hurt and don't get a chance to get on the field, and it's just bad timing, bad luck."

The Jets also re-signed wide receiver WR Deshon Foxx on Monday. Foxx originally signed with the Jets in January and was waived May 9. The Connecticut product first signed with Seattle 2015 after going undrafted and was waived/injured with a hamstring injury that August.

Buccaneers: TE Howard signs rookie deal
TAMPA, Fla. -- Tight end O.J. Howard has signed his rookie contract with the Tampa Bay Buccaneers.

Howard, who was the 19th overall pick in last month's NFL draft, signed a four-year deal on Monday that includes a team option for a fifth season. He is the first of Tampa Bay's six draft picks to sign.

Howard, who is 6-foot-6 and 251 pounds, was a third-team Associated Press All-America selection last season. He started 12 of Alabama's 14 games last season and had 45 receptions for 595 yards and three touchdowns.

The drafting of Howard and signing DeSean Jackson in free agency should give Jameis Winston more options in Tampa Bay's passing game.

The Buccaneers also announced that defensive end Jacquies Smith has signed his restricted free agent tender.

The case for Duke's Jayson Tatum to the Sixers at No. 3

The case for Duke's Jayson Tatum to the Sixers at No. 3

With the 2017 NBA Draft Lottery behind us, there appears to be a consensus on the first two selections in next month's draft. The Celtics are expected to take Washington guard Markelle Fultz, and it would be a surprise if the Lakers passed on Lonzo Ball.

After that, all bets are off, and the Sixers will have plenty of options at pick No. 3.

A popular choice has been Kansas' Josh Jackson, and with good reason. The 6-foot-8 guard was an All-Big 12 first-team selection in his lone season with the Jayhawks, averaging 16.3 points and 7.4 rebounds per game.

Others have pointed to Kentucky sharpshooter Malik Monk, who would fill an obvious need. Monk consistently has shown the ability to pull up without hesitation. He shot nearly 40 percent from beyond the arc while averaging 19.8 points per game to lead the Wildcats.

There is a strong case to be made, however, that Duke forward Jayson Tatum will be the most talented player remaining on the board when it is the Sixers' turn to pick. 

As a basketball beat writer for The Duke Chronicle, I had the opportunity to watch Tatum play up close and in-person for much of the season, seeing him at his best and his worst.

A quick rise
After coming to Durham, N.C. as one of the key pieces of the Blue Devils' top-ranked recruiting class, Tatum suffered a left foot sprain during a preseason practice that kept him out of action until early December. 

But even with what appeared to be a breakout performance against then-No. 24 Florida in early December, he struggled to find a rhythm throughout the first half of the season. Tatum shot only 30 percent from three-point range in his first 13 games.

When the Blue Devils were shocked at home by ACC bottom-feeder N.C. State Jan. 23, I was quick to call out the first-year player — he was not cutting it on the defensive end, and offensively, Tatum had yet to prove himself as a consistent shooting threat.

Down the stretch, however, no freshman came on stronger than Tatum. He scored 28 points on 6-of-7 shooting from distance against Virginia in February, averaged 22 points in four ACC tournament wins in March, and notched a double-double in his first career NCAA tournament game.

Whatever questions scouts have about Tatum's potential, he has already shown an ability to develop in a short period of time. Even if Tatum takes time to develop as an NBA player, it probably won't take all that long as the Sixers continue their rebuild.

Cool customer
In a deep ACC, Tatum was one of just two first-year players to earn all-conference honors, picking up a third-team spot in early March. He was also second in ACC Freshman of the Year voting behind N.C. State's Dennis Smith.

Tatum been a consistent performer at the charity stripe — unlike Jackson, who shot just 56.6 percent from the line. He hit on 118 of 139 free-throw attempts (84.9 percent) and has the body to get to the line at will with strong drives to the rim.

Although the Sixers have budding stars in Joel Embiid and Ben Simmons, they lack a true end-of-game threat who can score both inside and out. Tatum's improving outside shot combined with a powerful inside game could give the Sixers an option that will stretch opposing defenses.

Defensive concerns
As has been the case with a few recent young Duke prospects (e.g. Brandon Ingram, Jabari Parker), Tatum at times struggled on defense. As Sixers fans know all too well, Jahlil Okafor has the same problem. The former Blue Devil standout led Duke in scoring during his lone collegiate season but wasn't a major factor on defense and has been even worse with the Sixers, ranking 324th of 486 NBA players in defensive win shares last season.

Tatum's numbers suggest he has potential to be a better defender than many might expect. According to Basketball-Reference.com, Tatum had a 3.2 block percentage and a 2.3 steal percentage — an uncommon combination. He helped Duke limit North Carolina's Justin Jackson to only 6-for-22 shooting in an ACC tournament semifinal matchup.

Where Tatum needs to grow is guarding away from the ball. He often found himself losing his man on back cuts and long possessions in the half-court.

With the Sixers, the 6-foot-8 Tatum potentially could be the shortest member of a lineup that would feature the 6-foot-9 Robert Covington, Dario Saric and Simmons at 6-foot-10, and the 7-foot Embiid in the middle. Although he will likely need to improve his quickness, Tatum has the size to overwhelm smaller guards and the strength — weighing in at 205 pounds — to match up with most small forwards in the league.

Tatum vs. Jackson
Tatum and Jackson are comparable players in most respects. The two were right next to one another in the ESPN's Class of 2016 rankings behind Harry Giles and put up nearly identical numbers on the offensive end.

Both are considered top-five picks, but the 19-year-old Tatum is younger by more than a year and has room to grow physically. And unlike Jackson, he does not carry the baggage of a criminal property damage misdemeanor from December.

Duke associate head coach Jeff Capel told 97.5 The Fanatic last week that Tatum is "one of the most talented, most gifted offensive guys" he has ever seen. 

Agreed.