The Evster Asks "What Kind of Soccer Fan Are You?"

The Evster Asks "What Kind of Soccer Fan Are You?"

Just a guy wearing a horse head.

Like it or not, soccer fever has swept the US. And while casual fans are experiencing some light sniffles before the new season, a host of white people have become fully consumed by the virus, barfing their brains out in anticipation of this weekend's fixtures. On Saturday and Sunday morning, they will invade our pubs, wear shirts that promote obscure Arab airlines and fail to finish the stewed tomatoes that come with their English Breakfast. Soccer fans come in all shapes and sizes, with varying levels of knowledge and interest in a sport that is scientifically proven to be super-sonic boring. What kind of futbol fan are you? Read on to find out.

LEVEL 9 BONKERS AMERICAN - You own multiple jerseys of your favourite club and even have a full kit that you break out for big matches. You use words like "kit" and "matches" and "pitch" and "pace" and "DARBY" and cannot listen to 30 seconds of Eric Wynalda's rambling without telling him to stop sucking his own D. You argue with your cable provider pretty much every August, making sure you can watch your precious Man United or AC Milan or Barcelona or whatever front-running team that served as the catalyst for your latest European vacation. You once had a real, live African person give you a thumbs up after he spotted you wearing your Didier Drogba jersey. This was by far the greatest moment of your life. You've never admitted this to anyone, but you post on football message boards pretty much every day, and even once went to a bar to meet up with your favourite team's supporters club, but got too nervous and just stood in the corner sipping your beer like a sap. Nothing excites you more than transfer rumours. You follow Nicklas Bendtner on Twitter. You are insufferable.

CASUAL FAN - You pretend to understand the Champions League, but have absolutely no idea where Galatasary plays. You rarely pay attention during actual matches, but enjoy having a pint with the fellas and get super excited when your favourite Ghananian comes on in the 73rd. You're anti all of the big clubs, root for teams that have had new-found success like Man City or Borussia Dortmund, although secretly you wish you knew more about Napoli. You have never once pronounced a Belgian's name correctly. You love Andres Iniesta, but mostly because of his hairline, and you once spent an entire 90 minutes marveling over Branislav Ivanovic's thighs. It's no big deal if you miss a match or forget that soccer exists for a few months, because you are living life the way it was supposed to be lived. You probably have a super hot girlfriend. Your knowledge of soccer is minimal, but you are smart enough to recognize that Eric Wynalda sucks his own D.

Whatever, Flamini. Brannie's got thighs like what, what what.

MLS 4 LYFE- Look, I understand that you're excited that soccer came to America, but you need to settle down. Yeah, going to a game at PPL Park is fun, and the whole snake thing the Union have going on is kinda cool, but dude, you're embarrassing yourself. Your favourite European team is whatever one Michael Bradley is currently playing on, even though you have never seen Michael Bradley play a European fixture. You listen to Pearl Jam. You need to reevaluate your life.

MR. I PLAYED SOCCER AT LEHIGH, LOOK AT ME, I'VE GOT FANCY STEP-OVER MOVES - You play in an adult rec league where you constantly appeal to the ref by calling him "sir." You own cleats that were made post-1998 and are surprisingly fit for a person who spends all day in a cubicle. No one likes watching you run around while they're dry-heaving on the sidelines. You don't really support any specific club, but if you had to pick one, it'd be Liverpool. You make sure to say, "He's so crafty, though," whenever anyone bashes Luis Suarez. You have been known to have some really, really, really stupid haircuts. How you got a girlfriend is beyond me. You are seriously the worst person in the world. You know who you are. You play in that Manayunk co-ed league on Thursday nights. You need to stop slide-tackling into chicks. I LOATHE you.

PERSON WHO STUDIED ABROAD IN GERMANY DURING THE SPRING OF 2002 - You know more about Borussia Monchengladbach than 95% of the western world and pronounce the word "Munich" as "Munchen". You own many, many, many pairs of brown shoes.

YOU ARE A NORWEGIAN PERSON - People can tell you're foreign simply by your socks. You know super secret websites that stream live feeds of games which enables you to keep tabs on your boyhood club from the outskirts of Oslo, a squad that currently plays in the Norwegian sixth division. You have never technically killed a man, but you have witnessed many men die in front of you.

GUY WHO LIKES AMERICAN FOOTBALL AND ONLY AMERICAN FOOTBALL - You own a bunch of Under Armour performance tank tops and are totally cool with that Geno's Steaks sign that reads "YOU MUST ORDER IN ENGLISH." Everything you do in life revolves around the words "LA Fitness." You consistently pay women for sex and have never, ever understood Monty Python. You need to wake up and smell the Earl Grey. The real football season is here. Vamanos!

Follow The Evster @TVMWW.

NBA Playoffs: Warriors sweep their way to 3rd straight NBA Finals

NBA Playoffs: Warriors sweep their way to 3rd straight NBA Finals

BOX SCORE

SAN ANTONIO -- Stephen Curry scored 36 points as the Golden State Warriors closed out the Western Conference Final against the injury-ravaged San Antonio Spurs with a 129-115 victory Monday night, becoming the first team in league history to start the playoffs 12-0.

Golden State led by as many as 22 points in cruising to its third straight NBA Finals. The Warriors await a possible third straight championship matchup with Cleveland, which leads Boston 2-1 in the East finals.

"It's great to be one of the last two teams standing, we'll see how it goes," said Kevin Durant, who had 29 points and 12 rebounds.

San Antonio's only lead came on the opening possession when Manu Ginobili tossed in a left-handed scoop shot. The Spurs started Ginobili in what could be his final game with the team. The 39-year-old had maintained he will not ponder whether to retire or return until after the season.

Unsure if the beloved veteran will return, the crowd serenaded Ginobili with "Manu, Manu" chants as the game came to a close.

"An amazing competitor, even more fun playing against him," Durant said of Ginobili. "He was phenomenal this series."

Kyle Anderson scored 20 points to lead the Spurs, who were without Kawhi Leonard, Tony Parker and David Lee. San Antonio didn't go down without a fight despite the injuries.

Anderson dove on the court for a loose ball that the Spurs had tipped away defensively, pushing the ball upcourt to Patty Mills who fed Ginobili for a 3-pointer that pulled San Antonio to 108-94 with 7 minutes remaining.

The effort made Spurs coach Gregg Popovich smile and clap at times, but the Warriors' depth and talent proved too much for short-handed San Antonio.

Golden State shot 56 percent and were 14 for 39 on 3-pointers.

Draymond Green had 16 points, eight rebounds and eight assists for the Warriors.

Spurs forward LaMarcus Aldridge closed out a disappointing series with his second eight-point effort against the Warriors.

Ginobili finished with 15 points in 32 minutes.

Phillies held to 3 hits again, pounded by Rockies in return home

Phillies held to 3 hits again, pounded by Rockies in return home

BOX SCORE

The loudest noise made by the Phillies' offense on Monday night was the thud — clearly audible above the small crowd — that Odubel Herrera created when he smashed his batting helmet on the dirt infield after grounding out to third base to end the seventh inning.

Herrera's frustration spoke for an entire team. The Phillies were hammered, 8-1, by the Colorado Rockies (see Instant Replay). They were out-hit, 13-3. The loss was the Phils' 18th in the last 22 games and they have been outscored 126-89 over that span.

The loss left the Phils at 15-27 for the season, matching their worst 42-game start since 2000 when they finished 65-97 in front of tiny crowds at Veterans Stadium in Terry Francona's last season as skipper.

Over the last two games, both losses, the Phils have just six hits.

"Three hits today, three hits yesterday," manager Pete Mackanin said. "You're not going to win a lot of games getting three hits."

Aaron Altherr had two of the Phillies' hits, both doubles against Colorado rookie Jeff Hoffman, who was very impressive with seven walk-free innings and seven strikeouts.

Herrera went hitless in three at-bats and is hitting just .200 in the month of May and .232 overall — not what the front office expected when it signed him to a five-year, $30.5 million contract extension in the offseason.

"It's very frustrating because I feel like I am being selective and waiting for my pitch, but when I make contact things don't happen," Herrera said. "I feel like I'm swinging the bat well, but I'm just missing."

Phillies starter Jerad Eickhoff gave up nine hits, seven of which were singles, and four runs over six innings. Four of the hits that Eickhoff allowed came in the third inning when the Rockies scored three times. Two of the runs scored on a flare double and the other on a groundball through a drawn-in infield.

"I executed a lot of good pitches," Eickhoff said. "I got a lot of the contact I wanted. The ball just didn't land in the gloves."

Eickhoff did not walk a batter. He struck out four.

Despite being 0-5 with a 4.70 ERA in nine starts, the right-hander believes he has made strides his last two outings. He gave up three runs (two earned) over six innings in his previous outing at Texas. Prior to that start, he worked on fixing a mechanical flaw in his delivery.

"These past two have been night-and-day different," he said. "I felt great today and in Texas and I'm going to keep that positivity going."

Finding other things to be positive about with this team is becoming difficult.

This Phillies team was not expected to contend; it is still in a rebuild. But things weren't supposed to be this bad, either.

"I'll tell you what, I'm getting frustrated, too," general manager Matt Klentak said before the game. "This team is better … there is more talent on this team than we've shown in terms of our record.

"We'll pull out of it. We will. That's what talented players will do. I'm not going to tell the fans they shouldn't be frustrated. We've gone through a tough stretch.

"But I'm not ready to call it regression. I think there's been a lack of consistency on our team in general, with some players more than others. There's been a lack of consistency, but especially for young players, two months is a relatively small sample size to categorize it as regression."

At 29-17, the Rockies have the best record in the National League. They have 16 road wins, which is one more than the Phillies have overall. The Rockies are in town for three more days. This ugly start could get even uglier.