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The Evster: Chips, ranked

The Evster: Chips, ranked

My wife institutes a staunch “NO CHIPS” policy in our household. Not because they’re bad for you, but because she can't stand my erotic mouth-breathing as I shovel them into my fat, sweaty face. Also, they’re horrible for you. That's why I keep no fewer than 47 bags in my car at all times. I also take blood pressure medication.

So considering this holiday weekend kicks off barbecue season -- and I have no idea what’s going on in the sports world -- let’s rank chips.

Dead Last – Any chip made by Wise®

Wise is by far the shaftiest brand ever. I’m pretty sure the only place you can still find ‘em is at the Pathmark in Willingboro, New Jersey. And for good reason, too. They come in those little 25-cent bags and they're always brown and broken and now that I think about it Wise did make some pretty dope corn chips back in the day with the ridges on ‘em so I guess this list has already lost all credibility so let’s just start over, shall we.

Actually Dead Last – Any baked potato chip

I’m not saying I won’t eat ‘em. I'll definitely eat 'em. But I won't enjoy 'em.

(Yes I will. And I'll also enjoy the explosive diarrhea that comes with 'em. That's just a bonus right thurr.)

20. Funyuns

Let’s be honest with each other, folks. Let’s be honest with each other for once in our stupid lives. Would it kill you -- just once, JUST ONCE -- to be truthful on the internet? Because Funyuns are not good. They're not. They're just not. That’s not true. They’re fine. They're perfectly fine. I honestly don’t think I’ve had a Funyun in over 30 years. I may have never had a Funyun. This is what goes for a blogpost these days?

19. Pork Rinds

Nope.

18. Sun Chips

Amazing job out of Sun Chips' packaging/marketing department to make us all believe that they won’t turn our insides into a bona fide shit cavern.

17. Party Mix

The pretzels are worthless and most people just gank all the Cheetos, but if you get on a roll there’s no better way to destroy a Sunday.

16. Lay’s Barbecue

Lay's Classic will cut the roof of your mouth Capn' Crunch style, but the bbq jawns are good enough for #16 on this list that honestly took me 35 minutes to write.

15. Rap Snacks

On this list for packaging only.

14. Andy Capp’s Hot Fries

In middle school I used to stick them up into my gums like a walrus until the pain became so severe that I'd sneeze blood.

13. Fritos

The ultimate palette cleanser.

12. Kettle Cooked whatever

Where can I buy one of these kettles to cook potatoes in? Sky Mall? They gotta have one, right? Along with a cat desk/swimming pool wine rack.

11. Tostitos with that unbelievable Salsa Con Queso stuff 

A dish best served cold, right outta the fridge, smeared all over your chest.

10. Dr. Dread’s Famous Jamaican Jerk Potato Chips

I once spent five days in a hospital because I needed fluid drained from the sack of my heart.

9. Ruffles Cheddar and Sour Cream

Goes perfect with a Turkey hoag from Wawa, or a quick jolt of pure Canadian heroin.

8. Pringles (Classic)

So fun to pretend you're a frog and yoink 'em into your mouth with your tongue.

7. Herr’s Sour Cream and Onion

That shiny green packaging is unstoppable. And when you buy the family sized bag it honestly takes up like the whole backseat. I don't know why that's amazing, but it totally is and you know it.

6. Sørlands (from Norway!)

For the one person reading this who's been to Norway and had these bad boys let me know when you wanna cyber.

5. Jax

Anyone who has a problem with Jax being ranked this high can email me directly at SuckkkkkkkkMyyyyyyyButttttttt@gmail.com. Nothing dissolves in your mouth quite like Jax. It's like fondue's slutty step-cousin. Oh my God I wanna dip a Jax in fondue. Tell me you don't. TELL ME YOU DON'T.

4. Utz Salt and Vinegar

Honestly any salt and vinny can go here, I just like the green and yellow Minnesota North Stars packaging that Utz puts out there. I also knew a chick in college who would always bring her own vinegar to the dining hall and put it on everything she ate and she was seriously so weird and I tried to hook up with her once in my dorm room but I fell asleep while she was talking because she was soooooooo boring and that's a lie she was actually pretty cool and I'm scared of all women.

3. Cheetos

How good are the big nubbed, Babe Ruth baseball bat-looking Cheetos? I'm talkin' bout the Fred Flintstone jawns. If there is one person reading this that knows what I'm talking about, feel free to follow me on Twitter.

2. Doritos

My dream in life is to have my old middle school principal Mrs. Durbage slug me in the face while I eat Doritos while wearing her stockings.

1. Grandma Utz’s Handcooked Potato Chips

Legit ingredients from da back of da bag: “Handcooked. Whole Fresh Potatoes, Sliced and Cooked in Lard, with Salt Added."

Let the complaining begin.

CSNPhilly Internship - Advertising/Sales

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CSNPhilly Internship - Advertising/Sales

Position Title: Intern
Department: Advertising/Sales
Company: Comcast SportsNet Philadelphia
# of hours / week: 10 – 20 hours

Deadline: November 20

Basic Function

This position will work closely with the Vice President of Sales in generating revenue through commercial advertisements and sponsorship sales. The intern will gain first-hand sales experience through working with Sales Assistants and AEs on pitches, sales-calls and recapping material.

Duties and Responsibilities

• Assist Account Executive on preparation of Sales Presentations
• Cultivate new account leads for local sales
• Track sponsorships in specified programs
• Assist as point of contact with sponsors on game night set up and pre-game hospitality elements.
• Assist with collection of all proof of performance materials.
• Perform Competitive Network Analysis
• Update Customer database
• Other various projects as assigned

Requirements

1. Good oral and written communication skills.
2. Knowledge of sports.
3. Ability to work non-traditional hours, weekends & holidays
4. Ability to work in a fast-paced, high-pressure environment
5. Must be 19 years of age or older
6. Must be a student in pursuit of an Associate, Bachelor, Master or Juris Doctor degree
7. Must have unrestricted authorization to work in the US
8. Must have sophomore standing or above
9. Must have a 3.0 GPA

Interested students should apply here and specify they're interested in the ad/sales internship.

About NBC internships

Cowboys kneel before national anthem, beat Cardinals on MNF

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USA Today Images

Cowboys kneel before national anthem, beat Cardinals on MNF

BOX SCORE

GLENDALE, Ariz. -- Dak Prescott threw two touchdown passes and flipped head over heels into the end zone on a 10-yard run for another and the Dallas Cowboys pulled away in the fourth quarter to beat the Arizona Cardinals 28-17 on Monday night.

The Cowboys (2-1), bouncing back from a 42-17 pummeling in Denver, began the game kneeling at midfield with owner Jerry Jones in a show of unity that followed widespread protests across the NFL of critical comments by President Donald Trump over the weekend.

After they kneeled, they stood and walked to the sideline.

"We planned and it was executed that we would go out and kneel," Jones said, "and basically make the statement regarding the need for unity and the need for equality."

So they decided to make their statement before the anthem.

Prescott, 13 of 18 for 183 yards, broke a 14-14 tie with a 37-yard scoring pass to Brice Butler with 11:52 to play.

Arizona, with a spectacular catch by Larry Fitzgerald for 24 yards on a third-and-18 play, moved downfield but the drive stalled. Phil Dawson's 37-yard field goal cut the lead to 21-17 with 6:35 left.

Ezekiel Elliott, who gained 8 yards on nine carries against Denver and drew criticism for not hustling after a couple of late interceptions, was bottled up much of the game, but still gained 80 yards on 22 attempts, 30 on one play. He ran 8 yards for the final Cowboys touchdown.

The Cardinals (1-2), in their home opener, got a big game from Fitzgerald, who caught 13 passes for 149 yards, in the process moving ahead of Marvin Harrison into eighth in career receiving yards. The 13 receptions tied a career high.

"That's Fitz. It's Monday night," Arizona coach Bruce Arians said. "He's a money player. It was a great performance by him. It's a shame we couldn't play better around him."

Carson Palmer had a big first half, completed 15 of 18 for 145 yards and finished 29 of 48 for 325 yards and two scores. He was sacked six times, a career-high three by DeMarcus Lawrence.

The Cardinals dominated the first half statistically, but were deadlocked with the Cowboys at 7-7. Arizona had a 152-57 advantage in yards and dominated time of possession 19:34 to 9:41.

Arizona took the opening kickoff and went 82 yards in eight plays. Palmer was 5-for-5 on the drive, capped by a 25-yard touchdown pass to Jaron Brown.

Before Dallas even had a first down, Arizona mounted a nearly nine-minute drive but a touchdown pass to Brown was negated by a holding penalty and Phil Dawson's 36-yard field goal try was wide right. It was the third mid-range miss for the 41-year-old kicker this season.

And the miss left the door open for the Cowboys to get back in it.

Prescott scored on a 10-yard run, flipping head-first over the goal line to tie it at 7-7 with 3:33 left in the half.

Taking a knee 
Jones has been a staunch supporter of President Donald Trump, so the speculation was that he would not allow his players to kneel during the national anthem.

Following a weekend of kneeling and protesting across the NFL, the Cowboys and their owner displayed their own version of unity Monday night, kneeling on the field before rising as a group and going to the sideline for the national anthem.

Numerous boos rang out across University of Phoenix Stadium as the Cowboys kneeled and continued as the players rose, still arm-in-arm, and stepped back to the sideline as the flag was unfurled across the field. They remained connected as Jordin Sparks sang the national anthem (see story).

The Cardinals had their own symbol of unity after a weekend of protests in the NFL, gathering along the goal line arm-in-arm during the national anthem. They were joined by team president Michael Bidwell, his family and general manager Steve Keim.

"It's just to show unity," Cardinals team captain Frostee Rucker said. "There's so much negativity going on. People are trying to pull us apart. We always want to stay together."

More than 200 NFL players kneeled, sat or prayed during the national anthem on Sunday after President Trump said any player who does not stand for the national anthem should be fired.

Sparks, whose father Phillippi played in the NFL, had "PROV 31:8-9" written on her hand while she sang the anthem.

The bible verse says: "Speak up for those who cannot speak for themselves, for the rights of all who are destitute. Speak up and judge fairly; defend the rights of the poor and needy."