The Evster: Chips, ranked

The Evster: Chips, ranked

My wife institutes a staunch “NO CHIPS” policy in our household. Not because they’re bad for you, but because she can't stand my erotic mouth-breathing as I shovel them into my fat, sweaty face. Also, they’re horrible for you. That's why I keep no fewer than 47 bags in my car at all times. I also take blood pressure medication.

So considering this holiday weekend kicks off barbecue season -- and I have no idea what’s going on in the sports world -- let’s rank chips.

Dead Last – Any chip made by Wise®

Wise is by far the shaftiest brand ever. I’m pretty sure the only place you can still find ‘em is at the Pathmark in Willingboro, New Jersey. And for good reason, too. They come in those little 25-cent bags and they're always brown and broken and now that I think about it Wise did make some pretty dope corn chips back in the day with the ridges on ‘em so I guess this list has already lost all credibility so let’s just start over, shall we.

Actually Dead Last – Any baked potato chip

I’m not saying I won’t eat ‘em. I'll definitely eat 'em. But I won't enjoy 'em.

(Yes I will. And I'll also enjoy the explosive diarrhea that comes with 'em. That's just a bonus right thurr.)

20. Funyuns

Let’s be honest with each other, folks. Let’s be honest with each other for once in our stupid lives. Would it kill you -- just once, JUST ONCE -- to be truthful on the internet? Because Funyuns are not good. They're not. They're just not. That’s not true. They’re fine. They're perfectly fine. I honestly don’t think I’ve had a Funyun in over 30 years. I may have never had a Funyun. This is what goes for a blogpost these days?

19. Pork Rinds

Nope.

18. Sun Chips

Amazing job out of Sun Chips' packaging/marketing department to make us all believe that they won’t turn our insides into a bona fide shit cavern.

17. Party Mix

The pretzels are worthless and most people just gank all the Cheetos, but if you get on a roll there’s no better way to destroy a Sunday.

16. Lay’s Barbecue

Lay's Classic will cut the roof of your mouth Capn' Crunch style, but the bbq jawns are good enough for #16 on this list that honestly took me 35 minutes to write.

15. Rap Snacks

On this list for packaging only.

14. Andy Capp’s Hot Fries

In middle school I used to stick them up into my gums like a walrus until the pain became so severe that I'd sneeze blood.

13. Fritos

The ultimate palette cleanser.

12. Kettle Cooked whatever

Where can I buy one of these kettles to cook potatoes in? Sky Mall? They gotta have one, right? Along with a cat desk/swimming pool wine rack.

11. Tostitos with that unbelievable Salsa Con Queso stuff 

A dish best served cold, right outta the fridge, smeared all over your chest.

10. Dr. Dread’s Famous Jamaican Jerk Potato Chips

I once spent five days in a hospital because I needed fluid drained from the sack of my heart.

9. Ruffles Cheddar and Sour Cream

Goes perfect with a Turkey hoag from Wawa, or a quick jolt of pure Canadian heroin.

8. Pringles (Classic)

So fun to pretend you're a frog and yoink 'em into your mouth with your tongue.

7. Herr’s Sour Cream and Onion

That shiny green packaging is unstoppable. And when you buy the family sized bag it honestly takes up like the whole backseat. I don't know why that's amazing, but it totally is and you know it.

6. Sørlands (from Norway!)

For the one person reading this who's been to Norway and had these bad boys let me know when you wanna cyber.

5. Jax

Anyone who has a problem with Jax being ranked this high can email me directly at SuckkkkkkkkMyyyyyyyButttttttt@gmail.com. Nothing dissolves in your mouth quite like Jax. It's like fondue's slutty step-cousin. Oh my God I wanna dip a Jax in fondue. Tell me you don't. TELL ME YOU DON'T.

4. Utz Salt and Vinegar

Honestly any salt and vinny can go here, I just like the green and yellow Minnesota North Stars packaging that Utz puts out there. I also knew a chick in college who would always bring her own vinegar to the dining hall and put it on everything she ate and she was seriously so weird and I tried to hook up with her once in my dorm room but I fell asleep while she was talking because she was soooooooo boring and that's a lie she was actually pretty cool and I'm scared of all women.

3. Cheetos

How good are the big nubbed, Babe Ruth baseball bat-looking Cheetos? I'm talkin' bout the Fred Flintstone jawns. If there is one person reading this that knows what I'm talking about, feel free to follow me on Twitter.

2. Doritos

My dream in life is to have my old middle school principal Mrs. Durbage slug me in the face while I eat Doritos while wearing her stockings.

1. Grandma Utz’s Handcooked Potato Chips

Legit ingredients from da back of da bag: “Handcooked. Whole Fresh Potatoes, Sliced and Cooked in Lard, with Salt Added."

Let the complaining begin.

Flyers' power play rediscovers swagger in win over Canucks

Flyers' power play rediscovers swagger in win over Canucks

BOX SCORE

VANCOUVER, British Columbia – The Flyers got some swagger back Sunday night.

But especially so on the power play, which entered Sunday's clash just 2 for 19 over the last six games.

Two markers on the man advantage helped the Flyers edge the Canucks, 3-2, at Rogers Arena in Vanvoucer (see Instant Replay).

“It all comes back to finding a way to produce – and they did that tonight,” said Flyers coach Dave Hakstol, who had called for his power-play participants to rediscover that swagger.

Hakstol’s club won for the first time in its last nine games in Western Canada. More importantly, the Flyers (28-24-7) moved within a point of the eighth and final playoff spot, currently shared by Florida and Boston, in the Eastern Conference.

Thanks to the power-play success, the Flyers built a 3-0 lead in the game’s first 23 minutes and then hung on, atoning for a sub-par effort in a one-sided loss to the Oilers in Edmonton on Thursday night.

The Flyers converted two of three power plays while blanking the Canucks on all four of their man advantages. The loss prevented the Canucks (26-28-6) from getting closer to a Western Conference playoff berth.

“I thought we were playing some pretty good hockey of late, but the pucks weren't going in,” said Flyers center Brayden Schenn, who scored the winning goal on the power play at 2:38 of the second period. “Tonight, we tightened up defensively again from Edmonton's game and were able to score a few more goals. It's a huge two points going home."

Wayne Simmonds, also on the power play, and Jakub Voracek scored the Flyers’ other goals.

“We needed a win,” Simmonds said. “Especially after the game in Edmonton, this is good for the morale."

Shayne Gostisbehere assisted on all three goals, recording the first three-point night of his career.

Schenn’s winning goal came only a minute and 27 seconds after Voracek gave the Flyers a 2-0 lead at 1:11 of the second by sending Sean Couturier’s huge rebound into a gaping net behind Canucks goaltender Ryan Miller. Voracek’s goal was his first in 10 games. He had not scored since Jan. 25 against the New York Rangers.

How did long sought-after goal make him feel?

"Like I scored a goal,” deadpanned Voracek. “We won the game. That’s the way I looked at it. It doesn't matter who scored the goals. Special teams were huge tonight. I liked our power play. We were going all 60 minutes. This one kept us in the race."

The Flyers were a well-rested team thanks to a two-day break between games and a three-day break before the start of the road trip. The Canucks, on the other hand, were playing their second of back-to-back home games with only a day’s rest following a grueling six-game United States road trip. But there was still considerable suspense over the final 30 minutes.

Markus Granlund and Jannik Hansen tallied for the Canucks, who are known as comeback artists, at 3:43 and 12:42 of the second, respectively, before the Flyers shut Vancouver down the rest of the way. Voracek indicated the Flyers were not nervous in the final frame.

"I don't think we changed anything to be honest,” he said. We were pretty tight in the neutral zone. We didn't give them much. When we had a couple of breakdowns, [Michal Neuvirth] was on his act.”

Neuvirth stopped 18 of 20 shots as the Flyers outshot the Canucks, 28-20. He enjoyed a much better start Sunday, holding the Canucks scoreless in the opening period after allowing four goals on his first 12 shots on Thursday in Edmonton. One of his better saves came with just over a minute into the game as he got his toe on Markus Granlund’s dangerous chance from in close.

"I felt good,” said Neuvirth. “I have been practicing well and playing with confidence. The last game, it didn't work out. I put that one behind me and restarted my mind and got back to work tonight.”

“I thought he was excellent,” said Hakstol. “He was calm and settled in there. You can go back through that 60 minutes and you can pick out three or four pretty darned good saves.”

Neuvirth excelled while making his fourth consecutive start and sixth in the past seven games overall.

“It feels good,” he said of the heavy workload. “It feels better when we win.”

But he was not about to get too excited. The Flyers have a tough clash at home Wednesday against NHL-best Washington and a road game Saturday at Pittsburgh's Heinz Field against the rival Penguins as part of the NHL’s Stadium Series.

“We have a tough schedule coming and we have to be ready,” Neuvirth said.

Sixers Twitter rejoices in the Kings' pick swap after DeMarcus Cousins deal

Sixers Twitter rejoices in the Kings' pick swap after DeMarcus Cousins deal

All hail the pick swap.

When word got out that the Sacramento Kings traded DeMarcus Cousins to the New Orleans Pelicans, Sixers fans on Twitter rejoiced.

On July 10, 2015, the Sixers traded away the rights to Artūras Gudaitis and Luka Mitrović, and, in return, received an unprotected 2019 first round pick, Nik Stauskas, Carl Landry, Jason Thompson and the right to swap first-round selections in the 2016 and 2017 drafts.

The Cousins move appears to significantly weaken the Kings, who are 24-33 and just 2.5 games better than the Sixers, so the pick swap looks healthier than ever.

But, for now, enjoy some samplings of Sixers Twitter from after the trade.

Here are some of the best tweets.