The Evster highlights some of Tim McCarver's best Tim McCarverisms

The Evster highlights some of Tim McCarver's best Tim McCarverisms

Broadcasting SUPER LEGEND Tim McCarver is retiring after this World Series, which means we only have a few more games to soak in his greatness. As of now, it is unclear who Fox will bring on as next season's color analyst. Rumor has it they're grooming John Smoltz to take over, while other reports say they're leaning towards replacing McCarver with a giant bowl of fried clams. Either way, the man has been on fire this postseason, spewing nonstop drivel along the way and inspiring me to jot down some of his most memorable quotes.

MCCARVS: Lance Berkman being out of baseball just doesn’t seem right.

You know what doesn't seem right, Tim? The fact that you make millions of dollars a year while the guy who lives in my dumpster spends his days trying to eat his own foot. And even though every morning that guy tells me I'm a "dirty, dirty dickwad," he's still way more enjoyable to listen to.

And also quite perceptive.

JOE BUCK: Tim, you've been around the game for 55 years, what do you think of the Cardinals six-foot-five, 22-year-old right-hander, Michael Wacha?

MCCARVS: [chuckling] I think what you think I think.

Oh, McCarver, we just know you so well. Why even bother to ask him questions, Joe Buck? Why even bother to ask? Don't waste McCarver's time. What do you think it's his JOB to talk to you? FIFTY-FIVE YEARS AROUND THE GAME, JOE BUCK (and only 50 of those years were spent in full squatting position). I think you know what he thinks. We all know! That he'd love to take a squat behind the plate just one more time and dangle his little fingers for Michael Wacha. Just kneeling back there, with his knees bent, and his butt hovering above the dirt, staring into Wacha's eyes, teasing him, playing a little game of cat and mouse with the third base coach, I honestly have no idea what I'm talking about right now.

Imagine someone else in a different line of work answering a question in that very same way.

"Boss, what do you think of the agenda I prepared for today's meeting?"

I think what you think I think.

"That it's a piece of shit? That I'm a horrible employee who threw it together five minutes before our meeting? That I spent all morning staring at the new secretary's Instagram instead of doing my work? That I seriously considered, like SERIOUSLY CONSIDERED, burning down this entire office building just so I could get out of this meeting? 'Cuz that's what I think you think. Is that what you think?"

JOE BUCK: Take a look at this stat, folks: John Lackey's ERA is almost two points lower in games pitched at Fenway versus games he's pitched on the road.

MCCARVS: That's one of those statistics that's very easy to understand, Joe. And I'll tell you why after this pitch.

OH MCCARVER PLEASE TELL US NOW. Please! We can't possibly wait 'til after the pitch. Throw the ball, John Lackey! THROW IT! I need to have this stat explained to me! Even though it's very easy to understand, I am an absolute moron and need to have things told to me in a very slow and concise manner by people who have been in the game for over FIFTY-FIVE YEARS. I don't know how this guy could possibly have a better ERA at home than on the road. Good God, Lackey, stop stepping off the rubber and pitch the ball! PITCH THE BALL, LACKEY!!! PITCH DA BALLLLLLLLLLL!!!! FIFTY-FIVE YEARSSSSSS!!!!

JOE BUCK: Did you know Michael Wacha actually has a milkshake named after him?

MCCARVS: I don't think I've ever heard of anyone having a milkshake named after them.

Okay. Okay. At first this seems ridiculous, it really does, everyone could name SOMEONE who has a milkshake named after them, but after thinking about it for a while, I too was unable to come up with a person. I'm sure there are many, many people who have, I just can't come up with any off the top of my head. Still, I've certainly HEARD of people having milkshakes named after them. It's not like that's too foreign of a concept to wrap my head around. And I know it's not McCarver's job to talk about milkshakes, but why couldn't he have at least continued the conversation? I'd much prefer to hear two guys talk about milkshakes than why the Cardinals aren't playing at double play depth. All McCarvs had to do was say something like, "You know, Joe, I got a milkshake yesterday and it cost me $6.75. That's crazy, right? Are we really at a point in our society where paying $6.75 for a milkshake is acceptable? Let's break it down: a milkshake gives you, what? Three scoops of ice cream? That's like $4 right there, then maybe throw in another $0.50 worth of milk, another $1 for labor -- and really, c'mon, labor? You stick the ice cream under the mixer, Joe, that's hardly labor. I'll tell you about labor, squatting down to catch Bob Gibson for nine innings, that's hard labor. Gibby once once threw a ball right at my tits, Joe, right at my tits. And it wasn't even during a game, it was at an italian joint in Milwaukee. You know what it's like to catch a Gibson fastball right between your tits, Joe? Of course you don't, your daddy spoon-fed you as a child. $6.75? I ain't paying it. And don't get me started on Rao's tomato sauce. $9 a jar? I mean, it's good stuff, don't get me wrong, but $9? C'mon, Joe. God I miss Lance Berkman."

MCCARVS: When you work a count from 0-2 to a walk, that’s … well that's ... that's a good at bat.

Thanks, McCarvs.

Here's something to think about: this is 2013, and we can watch pretty much any sporting event we want on our telephones. If we wanna listen to a game in Spanish, we click a button and boom, vamanos. If we wanna watch a movie and have if feel like laser beams are being blasted up our noses, bang, IMAX. But how is it that televisions do not have a feature that allows us to mute sports commentators? We don't need those guys talking to us for three straight hours and we certainly don't need them reading promos for My Two Dads. Can't we just listen the sounds of the game -- like we're at the ball park -- hearing the pop of the catcher's mitt, the peanut guy yelling, the chatter of the fans? It's 2013. We have websites devoted to apple sauce for crying out loud. My Two Dads was honestly the worst show ever.

MCCARVS: The thing that’s impressive about Carlos Martinez, obviously it’s his finish, but it’s his freedom of movement of the arm … unencumbered.

Okay that's complete and total nonsense. And why it obvious that his finish is impressive? And what does that even mean?!?! The thing that's truly impressive about Carlos Martinez is his hair. Not quite a Jheri curl. Not quite a fro. But totally unstoppable.

MCCARVS:  Lackey is pitching Freese away, and Freese is fouling balls off to the right.

Thank you oh wise wizard of baseball. How could we possibly tell what was going on in this game without you?

RIP Tim McCarver.

RIP Lou Reed.

RIP reasonably-priced milkshakes.

If you want more McCarver, buy his CD, "Tim McCarver Sings Selections from the Great American Songbook" here. Or you want more Evster, follow him on Twitter @TVMWW. Or if you want to see a picture of a squirrel wearing a Cardinals helmet, click here. That's prolly the better move anyway. 

Yankees 9, Phillies 4: Cameron Perkins comes out swinging

Yankees 9, Phillies 4: Cameron Perkins comes out swinging

TAMPA -- The Phillies’ bats were slow getting started in the Grapefruit League opener Friday afternoon. The Phils did not have a baserunner through the first six innings in a 9-4 loss to the New York Yankees at Steinbrenner Field.

“First game, I’m just happy we got at-bats because the pitching is always ahead of the hitting this early,” Phillies manager Pete Mackanin said afterward.

Outfielder Cameron Perkins had the Phillies’ first hit, a single up the middle in the seventh inning. He added a solo homer in the ninth inning.

Perkins, 26, was the Phillies’ sixth-round pick in the 2012 draft out of Purdue University. He graduated from Southport High School in Indianapolis, the same school that produced Phillies great and Hall of Famer Chuck Klein.

A right-hander hitter who eschews batting gloves, Perkins hit .292 with eight homers and 47 RBIs at Triple A Lehigh Valley last season. He is not on the 40-man roster but was invited to camp for a look-see. He is considered a longshot to win a spot on the Phillies’ bench, but will certainly improve his chances if he keeps swinging it like he did Friday.

“I don’t think about it,” Perkins said of his bid to make the club. “All I can do is what I did today -- get my opportunity and make the most of it.”

Brock Stassi, another candidate for a job on the Phillies’ bench, also homered.

On the pitching side
Right-hander Alec Asher, who projects to open in the Triple A rotation, started for the Phils. He pitched two innings, allowed a home run to Didi Gregorius and struck out two.

Asher made big strides with his sinker last season. He’s added a cutter now.

Right-hander Nick Pivetta debuted with two scoreless innings. He gave up a hit, walked one and struck out three. The Phillies acquired Pivetta from Washington from Jonathan Papelbon in July 2015. He projects to open in the Triple A rotation, but first will pitch for Team Canada in the WBC in March.

“It’s a lifelong dream for me, right up there with whenever it is that I get my first start with the Phillies,” Pivetta said.

The bullpen
Mackanin has said he’d like to have two left-handed relievers in his bullpen. The Phillies have just one -- Joely Rodriguez -- on their 40-man roster, although it’s possible that Adam Morgan could be shifted from starter to reliever later in camp.

The Phils have brought two veteran lefties -- Sean Burnett and Cesar Ramos -- into camp on minor-league deals to compete for a job. Burnett made his debut Friday and gave up a triple, a sacrifice fly and a home run in his inning of work.

Luis Garcia was tagged for four hits and three runs in his spring debut.

Up next
The Phillies host the Yankees in Clearwater on Saturday afternoon. Morgan will start for the Phils against right-hander Adam Warren.

A Q & A with Siera Santos

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A Q & A with Siera Santos

What experience had the biggest impact on your life and career in sports and why? 
I’m often asked why I chose to be in sports broadcasting and the answer is not exactly brief. Most people aren’t familiar with my backstory. While I prefer to tell it face-to-face, here it is in a nutshell: Throughout high school, I had a lot of “problems” (that’s the gentle way of putting it). I didn’t graduate and instead got my GED while I was in a treatment center in Utah. That summer when I returned home to Arizona, I needed a healthy distraction and, although I had always been a casual Arizona Diamondbacks and Phoenix Suns fan, I started watching games every day and reading the sports section with my dad over our morning cup of coffee.

When the NBA season started, I begged my dad for season tickets. This was the Nash/Stoudemire/Marion era and tickets were incredibly expensive. While we didn’t get season tickets that year, we went to several regular season and playoff games. Next season rolled around and, once again, I pleaded with my dad to get us season tickets. He finally broke down and bought a half-season package. We went to nearly every other game. I knew at that point that I wanted to go to games for the rest of my life. I enrolled in community college for the spring with my heart set on getting a degree in broadcast journalism. Not only did Suns games change the course of my future, but they also repaired my relationship with my dad. 

Who’s had the biggest impact and why?  
It’s difficult to single out one person. Obviously my parents' unwavering support got me where I am today. If I had to name someone who is currently a mentor-figure in my life, it would definitely be Jesse Sanchez from MLB Network. He always checks in to make sure I’m OK (in both my career and personal life), and he’s given me invaluable feedback and advice. There aren’t many Latinos working in sports media at national level and he encourages me to embrace who I am. 

What are some of the funniest moments you’ve experienced as a woman in sports?
When I tell people I’m a sports broadcaster, the immediate follow-up question tends to be: “Oh, so you like sports?” It’s tough to not respond with something sarcastic so I usually say, “Nope! I hate them!” I just don’t think it’s a question that you would ask a man in sports broadcasting. 

What was the most negative moment you’ve experienced ... the one that got you fired up or perhaps made you think about quitting?
Overall, most of my interactions are very positive and the majority of athletes are professionals. But I did have an issue with one player who was unbelievably disrespectful. He had been inappropriate on two previous occasions and I dreaded having to crowd around his locker to do interviews with him after games. I stopped asking him questions and after one of the scrums, he said: “If you’re not going to ask any questions, move your ass to the back.” My cameraman was still rolling and the mic was still hot. It was caught on video. Eventually, the issue was resolved with the support of my superiors. However, the entire ordeal was embarrassing and made my job more difficult. 
 
Have you had any teachable moments, i.e. someone made an ignorant comment, but had no idea you were offended – until you said something?
Double-checking the pronunciation of names that I’m not familiar with has been a priority. If you slip-up on a name, viewers will crucify you. Most male broadcasters will be forgiven for a mispronunciation, but it’s not necessarily the same for women. 

Any awkward moments?  
Whenever an athlete crosses the line and tries to be flirtatious or ask for a date. It doesn’t happen as often as you’d think, but it’s still uncomfortable. 

What are you most proud of?
I’m often asked “Well, what’s next?” The truth is I’m very happy with where I am. My end goal was to be a team reporter for a regional sports network and that’s exactly what I’m doing. I live in an amazing city and I love what I do. After I dropped out of high school, I never thought I would make it this far, much less graduate college. I’m incredibly grateful to be here and I’m proud of where I am.

A lot of girls look up to you and aspire to be on TV covering sports. What is the most important message you want to send to them?
Be someone that people enjoy working with and being around. Always be open to feedback. Don’t be afraid to ask questions if you’re not 100 percent sure. Oh, and don’t post anything on social media that you wouldn’t want your grandma to see.