The Evster puts together the all-time most annoying Duke basketball team

The Evster puts together the all-time most annoying Duke basketball team

Everyone should love Duke basketball. Obviously we don't -- because Duke players constantly suck their own butts -- but we should. They play tough defense. They bomb threes. And they sometimes have a mega-ram-bam ram-jammer who does nothing but ram. (Basically I'm just talking about Mason Plumlee here, but you know what I'm saying.) And yet, Duke is still the worst. The absolute worst.

So seeing as Philadelphia is a hub for human suffering, I figured I'd put together the all-time most annoying Duke basketball team just to rile us all up. Then I figured we could make fun of them one by one. Because if there's one thing that brings this city together, it's pissing all over people who are way more successful than us.

Right, Kobe?

Whatever, Sénor Sunglasses!

Get over yourself!

THE STARTERS 

POINT GUARD - WOJO, OBVIOUSLY

Defining Duke Characteristic: No one, and I mean no one, enjoyed slapping that stupid floor more than Steve Wojciechowski (THAT IS A REAL NAME, PEOPLE). Before Wojo, I actually liked the floor slap. It was so primal and intense. Just a dude, bending over, waiving his ass in the air and slamming his palms against the hard, glossy wood. Nothing fires up a defense like a floor slap. The energy picks up, the offense feels challenged, and the chances of someone getting choked out exponentially rises. And that's basically all I want out of life: more choke outs. The other day, I was making sweet, passionate, dirty love to my wife, and in the middle of an outfit change I started slapping the floor like a lemur. Then I threw my back out and had to lay down for a while, but if I hadn't thrown my back out, awwwwww man, she was gonna get it. But stupid Wojo ruined it all. He slapped that floor on like every possession. Plus, he was like 4 foot 6, so he hardly even had to reach down! God, what a stupid name: Wojo. That's like the dumbest name ever. My back hurts so much, all the time. I go through like a tube of Ben Gay a week. Everything I own smells like ointment.

Haircut: Wojo was rocking the mushroom cut around four years after Cherokee Parks ruined the mushroom cut. To make things worse, the sides of Wojo's head were always so sweaty, and he would smooth 'em down while his mushroom top flapped in the breeze. Also, ENORMOUS head.

Life After Duke: Wojo is currently an assistant on Coach K's staff and has the most disgusting white bread mayonnaise family in the history of Western civilizashe:

OH THAT POOR DOGGIE.

SHOOTING GUARD - CHRIS COLLINS

Defining Duke Characteristic: Such a whiner. Chris Collins argued every call, had a stupid squatting jump shot, and was an embarrassment to his world famous father, Phil Collins. Oh my God who cares can we just talk about how dumb his haircut was?

Haircut: Boring, lame-ass, parted on the side. Dude, you were in college. This was your time to look (and act) like a total bonehead. And yet you decided to rock the same look as my mailman. (NO DISRESPECT TO MY MAILMAN. LOVE YOU, WENDELL.) When I was in college, at least four of my friends tried to grow dreadlocks. Three of them got head lice, BUT THAT'S WHAT COLLEGE WAS ALL ABOUT. I remember shaving my buddy Clamball's head junior year and finding a small Armenian family living in his scalp. The Patroszians. Very nice people, those Patroszians. Ended up going into the rug business. Very, very nice. Always friendly. Possibly drug lords, but very friendly.

Life After Duke: After spending 47 years on Coach K's staff, Chris Collins is now the head coach at Northwestern. This year, the Wildcats failed to make the tournament for the 80th straight year, THANK GAWD.

QUARTERBACK - GREG PAULUS 

Defining Duke Characteristic: For all intents and purposes, Greg Paulus should've been cool. He was the 2005 Gatorade Athlete of the Year after starring as both a point guard and quarterback at New York's Christian Brothers Academy. During his career, Paulus threw for over 10,000 yards (still a state record). By comparison, I threw for 15 yards at my Thanksgiving Turkey Bowl game this year and had to leave the game early because my arm'y warm'y hurt. Paulus ended up choosing basketball over football and turning down loads of scholarship offers to play for Duke. After a four-year career that pretty much sucked a thousand butts, he went to grad school at Syracuse where he STARTED AT QUARTERBACK during the 2009 season. Once again, lotta butt sucking. He also loved to push teammates in their chests to show how fired up he was which I imagine is very annoying when you're a 6'10" McDonald's All American forced to play on the same team as Greg Paulus.

Haircut: Ughghghghghhhhhh.

Life After Duke: Paulus is now an assistant coach at Ohio State where he is shockingly only the second most annoying person in the program -- ranking just behind college basketball's #1 pony boy, Aaron Craft.

POSSIBLY THE BEST COLLEGE PLAYER EVER - CHRISTIAN LAETTNER

Defining Duke Characteristic: I was at that stupid game against Kentucky at the Spectrum and there was a Duke fan sitting directly behind me who was sooooooooooooo annoying, like constantly clapping in my ear and spitting popcorn everywhere and screaming at Coach K to "GIVE MARTY CLARK THE ROCK, BABY!" I actually sat in an aisle seat, and as Laettner's last shot went in, the dude behind me put his hands on my shoulders and LEAPFROGGED OVER MY HEAD. He literally jumped over me. I will never forget it. I saw the shot go down and then a grown man vaulted himself over my soft, teenage body. The guy then proceeded to run up and down the stairs screaming like a lunatic while I tried to trip him.

Haircut: Luke Perry would be nothing in this world without Christian Laetts. NOTHING.

Life After Duke: Dream Teamer, made an NBA all-star game, eventually got a decent haircut. Widely considered to be the greatest college basketball player who ever lived. Personally, I'd give that honor to that Armenian guy on St. Joe's and/or Spike Albrecht, but whatever. Also, in a documentary made about Duke in 2010, everyone pretty much admitted that they hated his guts.

CAPTAIN DORF - CHEROKEE PARKS

Defining Duke Characteristic: I don't really remember the Chief doing anything, ever. He might've knocked down a couple threes and grabbed a few boards, but I'm honestly not sure. He was essentially a doofier, lamer, clammier Christian Laettner. Also mighta been a drug addict.

Haircut: So, so, so floppy.

Life After Duke: I get it. I totally get it. Cherokee wanted to redefine himself once he left Durham and get outta the corny Dukie mold, But those tattoos?!?!

TRUE GRIT?

C'MON, CHIEF.

There is absolutely nothing gritty about Cherokee Parks. He essentially just jacked threes and shied away from contact his entire career. He had to be Byron Mullens' favorite player growing up. Below is a 12-second clip from the end of Cherokee's career, when he was playing in France, that pretty much sums up everything about him.

I IMPLORE you to watch it. (Honestly it's like 13 seconds long. Just watch it.)

[nbcsports_video src=//www.youtube.com/embed/bOZrsodQGuE width=620 height=465]

Pretty sure the dude filming says, "clang" the second after Cherokee jacks that three.

THE BENCH

DEFENSIVE STOPPERS/REAL ESTATE MOGULS - SHANE BATTIER and BRIAN DAVIS

Defining Duke Characteristic: Battier was a flopping machine (which frankly I had no problem with) while BD played just prior to the baggy shorts era and spent his entire career running around and showing off his tight little ass.

Haircut: To this day I have no idea what's going on with Shane Battier's head. Brian Davis had a psuedo-flatop, like he was too scared to REALLY commit to it. I mean, if you're gonna have a flattop, at least have an enormous one like Dominique Wilkins or my Aunt Maxine. For the record, Brian Davis might've sucked more butts than anyone.

Life After Duke: Battier has won two rings with the Miami Heat while Brian Davis made like a billion dollars in the real estate biz -- which makes this post that much more frustrating.

SPARK PLUG - QUIN SNYDER

Defining Duke Characteristic: Coach K's original pony boy. (I keep using that term and yet I have no idea know what it means.)

Haircut: Any man who has to constantly tuck his hair back behind his ears is hardly a man at all. That being said, let it be know that as I'm typing this I'm drinking a non-fat vanilla soy latte from Starbucks and just applied some face lotion to my T-zones.

Life After Duke: Resigned as head coach of Mizzou in 2006 amid rumors that he had a cocaine problem. Has probably had sex with MUCHO sorority girls. Still has yet to add another "n" to his first name.

THE ERIC MEEK, BRIAN ZOUBEK, GREG NEWTON, SHAV RANDOLPH, TAYMON DOMZALSKI, CHRIS BURGESS, JOSH MCROBERTS COMBO PLATTER 

Defining Duke Characteristics: It is incredible that Mark Madsen did not go to Duke.

Haircut: Have you seen Josh McRoberts these days?

LET ME LICK YOU UP AND DOWNNNNNNNNN, TIL YOU SAYYYYYYYY STOP.

I legitimately want to know what kind of conditioner he uses.

Life After Duke: Here's Eric Meek rejecting a guy from a foreign country that may or may not still exist.

[nbcsports_video src=//www.youtube.com/embed/XXJIxGfb1c4 width=620 height=465]

SWAG MASTER GENERAL - AUSTIN RIVERS 

Defining Duke Characteristic: He wore a Sleeverson (that's what my wife calls those Allen Iverson arm sleeve thingies).

Haircut: Ohhhhhhhhh, Austin. That chin hair.

Life After Duke: According to the Elias Sports Bureau, Rivers' rookie season was the worst in the NBA's 68-year history. Here he is getting his ankles broken by James Harden.

[nbcsports_video src=//www.youtube.com/embed/qge70eEDP6o width=620 height=349]

***Quick tangent to explain why Bobby Hurley is not on this list: Dude was nasty. You gotta admit, Bobby Hurley was like the modern day Bob Cooz. Yes, he was from New Jersey, and yes, he kinda looked like a squirrel, but he tore those Dream Teamers up in that scrimmage before the '92 Olympics. Have you seen those clips? HE AND PENNY AND C-WEBB WUZ KILLIN' EM. I would also not be surprised if Bobby Hurls smoked trees with Redman back in the day. He was a bad dude. Other dope Duke ballplayers that should not be featured on this team include: Robert Brickey, Johnny Dawkins, Kyrie Irving, Jabari Parker, Chris Carrawell, Elton Brand, Carlos Boozer, Grant Hill (sorta), Jay Williams, Trajan Langdon and JJ Redick (calm down).

THREE POINT SHOOTER WHO PROBABLY HAS A VERY GOOD LOOKING GIRLFRIEND -- JJ REDICK 

Defining Duke Characteristic: He was a total strokaholic who drained threes on the regg.

Haircut: So much gel/faux hawk/sprout action.

Life After Duke: Continues to drink draino on a daily basis for the LA Clippers.

12TH MAN -- MARTY CLARK 

Defining Duke Characteristic: Considered a deadly three-point sniper despite the fact that he hit four, mayyyyyybe five threes in his entire college career. Slightly edged out Nate James -- a guy who raised the roof more than any player ever -- to make this team.

Haircut: Actually had a pretty decent Johnny Unitas jawn.

Life After Duke: omg who cares life is meaningless.

Follow The Evster @TVMWW.

Howie Kendrick (oblique) finally ready to begin rehab assignment tonight

Howie Kendrick (oblique) finally ready to begin rehab assignment tonight

Phillies corner outfielder/infielder Howie Kendrick is finally nearing a return. He'll begin a rehab assignment tonight with Triple A Lehigh Valley.

Kendrick has been out since April 15 with an oblique strain. He did defensive work during the Phillies' road trip and has been taking outdoor batting practice at home this week.

Kendrick was off to a hot start when the oblique injury sent him to the DL. In 10 games, he went 13 for 39 (.333) with four doubles, a triple and five RBIs. He batted second all 10 games.

The Phillies are in a bad offensive funk and could use Kendrick's bat over Michael Saunders' right now. The Phils' 1-2 hitters were among the most productive in the majors in April, hitting close to .350 for the month. They're down to .282 on the season as Cesar Hernandez and Odubel Herrera have slumped in May.

With Clay Buchholz likely out for the season and Saunders providing little offense so far, the Phillies' trio of offseason veteran additions has not panned out through two months.

Supplement-free Lane Johnson heaviest he's ever been, feels he has much to prove

Supplement-free Lane Johnson heaviest he's ever been, feels he has much to prove

It's only natural to have some reservations about Lane Johnson after he was suspended for 10 games last season for his second violation of the NFL's performance-enhancing drug policy. One more positive test and the Eagles will lose their starting right tackle for two full years.

Fortunately, Johnson seems determined to avoid any future run-ins with the league. The 27-year-old changed his entire approach this offseason, cutting out negative influences or any other voices at all while preparing for the 2017 season.

"I just trained by myself back in Oklahoma," Johnson said after the Eagles' first full-team practice of OTAs on Tuesday. "Trained by myself and everything went good. I came back, my body weight is about 325, so I'm heavier than I've ever been. I feel in good shape, and I have a lot to prove, so it's a big year for me.

"I did everything by myself. There wasn't going to be any mishaps."

Two suspensions totaling 14 games later, Johnson has gained a healthy fear of being unknowingly steered toward an illegal supplement.

Johnson tested positive for PEDs before the season last year after taking a banned substance known as peptides and was eventually slapped with the full 10-game penalty after a lengthy appeal process. The fifth-year veteran always maintained peptides were not listed on the label of the offending supplement.

Johnson filed a lawsuit against the NFL and the players' association in November after the suspension was upheld. Its status is ongoing.

Johnson also served a four-game suspension in 2014.

When he's not in trouble with the league office, Johnson is a vital cog in the Eagles' offense. They went 5-1 with him and 2-8 without him last season.

"I feel like whenever I'm playing, I try to be the best right tackle in the NFL," Johnson said. "My deal is to just stay on the field, play a complete season, and I think it will be a big year for me."

Johnson isn't concerned about losing a competitive edge, physically or mentally, after dropping supplements altogether.

"I've always been the athlete that I am," Johnson said. "That's what I'll continue to prove. I'm gonna go play and show people what I can do."

Signed in January 2016 to a five-year contract extension worth $56 million, Johnson has plenty to prove. He was working out in place of 35-year-old left tackle Jason Peters, who wasn't at the start of OTAs, on Tuesday and is expected to one day replace the nine-time Pro Bowl selection permanently.

Despite his checkered past, it sounds like Johnson knows exactly what's on the line, which is why he chose to go it alone this offseason. The only person you can trust is yourself.

Then again, Johnson still has his vices, which might raise some eyebrows with the news he's up to 325 pounds — eight more than his listed weight.

"My big deal is cutting out the ice cream, the Ben & Jerry's late at night — the stuff you want to indulge in," Johnson said. "If you get me on an ice cream binge, it's not good."

The Eagles can probably deal with a little extra ice cream, just as long as Johnson remains committed to keeping dodgy supplements out of his body.