The Evster searches online for some dope retro Phillies stuff and finds a bonkers oil painting of Jim Eisenreich

The Evster searches online for some dope retro Phillies stuff and finds a bonkers oil painting of Jim Eisenreich

From the Department of No One Could Possibly Even Come Close to Caring About This: the last-place Phils take on the last-place Cubs in a three-game series this weekend at Citizens Bank Park. To spice things up a bit, the Phillies are holding their annual "Retro Weekend" in South Philly featuring a bunch of old-time flizzim flazzem to get people all jazzed up about baseball. There'll be a Jim Bunning tribute on Father's Day, Art Garfunkel aka Big Poppa Garf will sing the national anthem, and both teams will wear 1964 throwback uniforms while sucking.

So in honor of a weekend of total suck, I spent four hours sucking my own butt Thursday night while searching the internet for some dope retro Phillies stuff.

Here's what I found:

One of the greatest posters of that era, and probably the only legitimately cool thing you’ll find in this post. Obviously the flames are what makes the poster incredible, but Schmidtty and Lefty’s matching spikes & stirrups combo is also a nice touch. Shout out to the massive dent in Lefty’s hat too, and Schmidtty’s bulging forearms/full-right-leg-extenshe a la Kerri Strug.

 

Brought to you by Shop n Bag!

The star of the 5 Horses is clearly Big Ben Rivera who seems to have borrowed one of Corey Pavin’s sweater vests for the photo shoot. Terry Mulholland also looks verrrrrrryyyyyy comfortable in those ass-less leather chaps, while I’m pretty sure Danny Jackson is rockin' a mid- to full-throttle bone job.

 

This is not actually a poster, this is a painting -- an oil painting -- painted by an actual human painter who thought it'd be a good idea to paint Jim Eisenreich on a canvas using paint.

Let the record show that this painting sold for $696 according to Robert Edward Auctions. THAT'S SIX NINE SIX, PEOPLE, which to be honest is a total steal. The only knock on this exquisite piece of artwork is the fact that Eisy was painted with no visible nose hairs. Huge oversight by the artist as far as I'm concerned. Someone actually made this. Using paint. And a brush.

 

Your goddamn right he's The Pride of the Phillies.

Everything about this poster is spot on. From Sammy's trademark smile to the fact that he seems to have no idea what’s going on around him. I love this man so much. He seriously struck out ALL THE TIME.

/hit so many doubles!

For the record there are also Steve Bedrosian and Doug Glanville versions of this poster online because of course there are.

 

Bing...

 

... and bong.

 

Hey there Charlie Hust!

Ole Double Donut Pete Rose is just puttin’ it all out there, huh? This poster was actually part of a Jockey shorts ad where a bunch of athletes were photographed without their unis on. Pete looks by far the happiest of the bunch. And such hairy forearms!

 

Jo Jo White looks the most serious...

... while Steve Carlton is easily the most tantric.

 

I like to think Kevin Mitchell hit into this textbook 6-4-3 double play and then threw down his batting helmet in disgust. Also, big time props to the artist who PERFECTLY captured Matt Williams's likeness sliding into second. His back/shoulder/pack of hot dogs neck is drawn just masterfully. Also loving Morandini's Pony cleats and yes that is one half of a John Chaney bobble head creepin’ into the bottom right corner of the photograph.

 

For a mere $89.99 this Phanatic Fathead can be yours. (THAT'S $606.01 LESS THAN THE OILY EISY.)

Also I never noticed this before, but I'm 89% certain the Phanatic has diabetes. Look how thick his ankles are! And is he wearing a beret?!?! WHO WANTS TO SHOOT SOME STICK?

 

 

I believe you're a dork, Tugger.

OMG I'M KIDDING I LOVE THE TUGGER. Technically not a poster, but I would still pay big bucks (maybe $7?) to have this dork hung up on my wall. But what's up with the last line of the ad? Why wouldn’t a Flyers fan like Phillies franks? Do Flyers fans not like other Philly sports teams/hot dogs? Wouldn’t this ad have made much more sense if it said, “Even if you’re a Mets fan”? Oh my God who cares let’s just go eat and some hot dogs and move on RIP Tugger and your perfectly broken-in belt.

 

Thighs like what, what, what. And I know, I know, this is technically a Lenny Dykstra Mets poster, but it's still fantastic. Another pair of Pony cleats, too.

All right, enough of these posters. We're all grown adults here. We don't need no stinkin' posters! How 'bout some gear/trinkets/flea market specials that no one could possibly ever have any use for?

 

My friend Larry had this shirt growing up and he became the first one of my friends to take a chick to the boneyard.

He was 27.

 

Some absolute lunatic is charging $21.95 on eBay for this "Authentic 1980's Philadelphia Phillies Hat Ball Cap Mesh Retro New RARE" head lice vessel. Pretty sure my mother has around 11 of these in her downstairs closet. Also pretty sure some Fishtown hipster will offer double for it.

 

Nothing Phillies related here, but these caricature wrist bands from the 80s were unstoppable. I remember first seeing them during that off-season MLB skills challenge -- the one hosted by Joe Gariogiola on NBC-- where there was a home run derby and the dudes got timed going around the bases and the San Diego Chicken ran around trying to pinch everyone's ass. It was so stupid/amazing and I'm pretty sure Eric Davis won every year. I just tried googling "80s MLB Skills Challenge" to see what I could dig up about it and came up with nothin'. I'm now realizing that I might have made the whole thing up in my perverted childhood mind. Whatever.

Speaking of Eric Davis...

 

Did anyone ELSE imitate his laissez faire batting stance while slappin' out dubbs at Blue Bell Day Camp?!

THAT STANCE WAS SO CASJZ!

 

Not even sure what this Krukker thing is, but I just bid $9 on it and now I really feel like I should go back and DOUBLE IT.

 

Just your standard Manny Trillo Canada Dry ginger ale cans.

 

And Greg Luzinski.

 

And Jim Lonborg?

 

STACK EM AND YACK EM.

 

Thee entire 1975 Fly Guyz!

7 bucks by the by!

 

Robert Person Upper Deck rookie anybody?

 

This post is over.

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Lifeless Phillies should call up red-hot Roman Quinn ... why not?

Lifeless Phillies should call up red-hot Roman Quinn ... why not?

The Phillies are a lifeless team right now.

For a while the starting pitching was the biggest issue, then it was the bullpen, now it's the offense. The Phils have hit .224 since May 12, which was when their 2-7 road trip began. 

Their .268 on-base percentage over that span is worst in the majors and their .613 OPS is better than only the Mariners.

Players up and down the lineup are slumping. Odubel Herrera has hit .207 with a .246 OBP since the ninth game of the season. Michael Saunders hasn't given them much at any point. Maikel Franco had an eight-game hit streak snapped Monday, but even still is hitting .221 with a .281 on-base percentage. 

At this point, why not bring up Roman Quinn and play him every day? It makes too much sense right now.

Daniel Nava went on the 10-day DL Monday with a hamstring strain suffered Friday in Pittsburgh. It doesn't seem to be a serious injury, but why not use the open space as an excuse to bring Quinn up for at least a few days and see what he's got?

Quinn could infuse some energy and life to the top of a sputtering lineup. Bat him second, play him in the corner outfield and see what happens. At the very least, he'd be a defensive upgrade over Saunders. At the most, Quinn's hunger to stick in the majors could result in a hot streak that sparks the top of the order the way Herrera does when he's hot.

Quinn is hitting lately at Triple A, batting .333 with a .424 OBP over his last 15 games. He showed last September that he can be an offensive catalyst with his ability to beat out infield singles, bunt for hits and spray the ball. Yes, he strikes out too much for a leadoff-type hitter, but it's just hard to see the downside of a call-up right now.

The argument against bringing Quinn up now is that it's too early to sour on Saunders, a player the Phillies signed in hopes of trading at some point. But think about how much Saunders would have to do to have worthwhile trade value. Yeah, you could flip him somewhere for a negligible return or some salary relief, but he'd have to be extremely productive for at least a month to get a team interested in trading a minor-leaguer of any value for him.

Pete Mackanin has tried many things to spark the Phils' lineup, moving Herrera and Franco down, sitting guys, challenging guys. The best solution, perhaps the only solution right now, might be a move made over his head to promote the Phils' speedy, switch-hitting outfielder who has a future with them so long as he stays on the field, which he has this season.

As for Rhys Hoskins and Jorge Alfaro, who have also hit very well at Triple A, they just happen to play the same positions as Tommy Joseph and Cameron Rupp, who have been the Phillies' most reliable bats the last few weeks.

Jason Kelce ignoring trade rumors as he tries to work on himself

Jason Kelce ignoring trade rumors as he tries to work on himself

Jason Kelce is aware of the rumors and reports that have surrounded his name this offseason. 

As much as he might try to avoid them, the Eagles' veteran center does not, presumably, live under a rock. So he's heard for months about the possibility of his long run with the Eagles coming to a close. 

After all, the Eagles have stockpiled an abundance of interior offensive linemen who can play center, and trading Kelce would save the team $3.8 million in cap space. 

So it all makes sense, but Kelce is trying to keep it out of his mind. 

"I think you'll drive yourself crazy if you're reading too much into what's going on," he said on Tuesday as the Eagles kicked off their voluntary OTAs. "My whole offseason has just kind of been really the only thing I can control is my game and the way I play and what I've been doing. So I've just really tried to hit the weight room, work on technique, work on things to try to get my game back to where it used to be."

How is he able to put it out of his mind? 

"Because worrying about it doesn't do any good," he answered.

While the Eagles have Isaac Seumalo and Stefen Wisniewski ready to play center if necessary, head coach Doug Pederson said on Tuesday that Kelce is still "the guy." 

Kelce, 29, was named to his second career Pro Bowl team last season, which might be a surprise to those who watched the Eagles throughout the year. Kelce wasn't as bad as some people think, but he also probably wasn't a Pro Bowl-caliber player. 

He got off to a very slow start in 2016 but did seem to get better as the season went on.  

"I feel at times last year, there were times I was dominant and games where I didn't really do a great job," he said. "You go back and watch film and try to make the corrections, try to make sure that moving forward I'm the same player I was in the past."

Kelce attributed many of his problems early last season to lousy technique. He's been trying extra hard to work on that part of his game as well as in the weight room. 

Often characterized as undersized, he said weighed 295 pounds on Tuesday morning. That's also his listed weight on the Eagles' website. 

All last season, Kelce said he played in the 290s, which was heavier than he had been in a long time. His goal this offseason is to make it up to 300 pounds by training camp, and then he hopes to keep the weight on. 

"I would certainly think so," he said. "As you get older, it gets a little bit easier to put on the weight and hold it on. I think everybody kind of finds that out."

Perhaps the biggest reason for the Eagles to keep Kelce around this season is the development of quarterback Carson Wentz in his second year. Kelce, as his center, might be integral to Wentz's growth. Although Kelce said he doesn't think of it like that when asked if that relationship gives him an advantage over others.  

Kelce has been with the Eagles since 2011 when he was a sixth-round pick out of Cincinnati. He's played and started 78 games in six seasons. 

He admitted last season he needed to play better or he knew he would become expendable (see story). So the rumors and reports this season likely aren't a shock to him. 

He's still not going to pay attention to them. 

"The reality is, we always have guys coming in, coming out," he said. "Now we happen to have a lot of really good depth at interior line. But like I said, it doesn't do me any good worrying about the what-ifs. All I can control is what I can control and that's how I go out and play, how I go out and prepare and how I try to get back to the player I've been in the past."