The Evster's Guide to Hating the Bears

The Evster's Guide to Hating the Bears

This is an actual person.

When I say, "KILL!" you say, "BEARS!"

KILL!

BEARS!

KILL!

Welllllllllllll, I sort of really like bears. Both the animal and the football team. They're so furry and cuddly, and have never changed their helmets, and even though Philly fans are supposed to be the ANGRIEST fans around, it's kinda hard to hate a city where there's so much encased meat.

Truth is, Chicago is a pretty cool place with a pretty lovable football team. From Ferris Bueller and deep dish pizza to the Superbowl Shuffle and my main man Dick Butkus, the Windy City is my kinda town. I know, I know, Oprah Winfrey's a B, but the '86 Bears got Buddy Ryan a ring.

But this is Philadelphia! And we're supposed to hate stuff! I guess we could make fun of Jay Cutler? but he's low hanging fruit. His fat, stupid face is too easy a target. There's gotta be some other Bears who deserve to be drilled with a Duracell.

Well have no fear, fellow sociopaths! I have figured it out! After doing some online research, I have dug up enough dirt on this year's Bears to put the '93 Cowboys to shame. The current Bears roster is LOADED with jerkoffs, and the biggest jerkoff around (me!) is here to convince you to hate 'em.

So sit back, relax, and get to know this Sunday's victims -- a bunch of dirty Midwestern scumbags who are gonna get BONED!

Are you ready for this? Butthead safety Chris Conte's grandfather, Richard Conte, was an actor in The Godfather! Oh my God what a dork! Who would ever want to... wait, that's actually pretty cool. I mean, that's really cool. The guy was in The Godfather. Maybe the greatest movie of all time. I can't hate someone who was in The Godfather. Yentl, maybe, but not The Godfather.

Conte's grandfather played Don Barzini, the guy who killed Sonny! and even though he was a major villain in the movie, he was still in the movie! Much cooler than anything my grandfather ever did. My grandfather was best known for having completely hairless shins. The rest of his body? COVERED in hair. But below his knees, dude was as bald as a goose. RIP Grandpa, you lotion-loving son of a bitch.

Let's move on!

And are geese even bald?

According to Wikipedia, before Devin Hester was a teenager, his mother was severely injured in a car accident and then his father died of cancer. OMG that's horrible! Devin then went into a deep depression until he was introduced to football, which lifted his spirits and ultimately helped him get his life back together. He later went on to earn a scholarship to Miami, became the game's greatest return man, and for some stupid reason has not yet been featured in an ESPN 30 for 30. It's no wonder why he's one of Chicago's most popular athletes. The guy is like 5 foot 2! AND HE'S ADORBS.

This past summer, Devin raced a live cheetah during a National Geographic television special. Take a second to read that last sentence again: the guy raced A LIVE CHEETAH during a National Geographic television special. You can watch the video here, and even though I have no idea what was going on during the race (it was really more of a shuttle run), the sheer fact that Devin agreed to do it shows what a sweet guy he is.

This is not going well!

Not going well at all!

Onto the next jerk!

Brandon Marshall. Oh this should be good, this should be real good. This guy's got a rap sheet longer than the Mississippi Riv. Okay, turns out that Brandon suffers from Borderline Personality Disorder, a very serious and complex mental disorder that can stem from being neglected, abused or even abandoned as a child. OH C'MON! Marshall says he has been troubled with symptoms his entire adult life, but only recently has he learned to effectively deal with his emotions. Other folks who have been diagnosed with BPD include Mike Tyson, Darth Vader and my next-door neighbor Donald, who as I type this is attempting to eat my mailbox.

Geez Louize, isn't there anyone on this team worth hating?!

Even their coach, Marc Trestman, has a rags to riches story. He started off as a volunteer assistant at the University of Miami, bounced around football for over 30 years (while getting a law degree along the way) and most recently coached in the CANADIAN FOOTBALL LEAGUE before getting his shot as an NFL head coach.

WHATEVER, DUDE.

NO ONE'S IMPRESSED WITH YOUR UNDENIABLE WORK ETHIC.

GET OVER YOURSELF.

Ugh, who am I kidding? I love Da Bears. Soldier Field is amazing. Neal Anderson's mouthpiece was enormous. THEY EVEN HAVE A JEWISH PUNTER. And have you ever had Garrett's popcorn?! We haven't even brought up Bill Murray yet!!!

I guess all we can ask for this Sunday night is a hard-fought game (but not too hard!) filled with kindhearted sportsmanship. No personal fouls, no sad game-ending missed field goals, and please, PLEASE, let's not see anyone leap up for a pass and tear both their ACLs. I think I'm hoping for a 16-16 tie, with a Dallas loss coming earlier in the day. If the Eagles win, I hope Brandon Marshall's okay. He's very, very fragile. I also wouldn't mind seeing Jay Cutler end up with some sort of brain injury or suffer massive internal bleeding.

Follow The Evster @TVMWW.

Larry Bowa on Jim Bunning: His words 'resonated throughout my career'

Larry Bowa on Jim Bunning: His words 'resonated throughout my career'

Beyond the center field wall at Citizens Bank Park, retired Phillies uniform No. 14 was draped in black cloth on Saturday afternoon.
 
Jim Bunning, who wore that number during six seasons with the club, died late Friday night at his home in Kentucky. The Hall of Fame pitcher, who went on to serve in the U.S. House of Representatives and U.S. Senate, was 85.
 
Bunning was a workhorse right-hander who pitched with smarts and competitiveness during his 17 seasons in the majors. He also pitched with the Detroit Tigers, Pittsburgh Pirates and Los Angeles Dodgers. He averaged 35 starts and won 89 games during his six seasons with the Phillies. He also authored one of the most iconic moments in club history when he pitched the franchise's first perfect game on a searing hot Father's Day in 1964 against the New York Mets at Shea Stadium.
 
Talking about a perfect game as it is unfolding is considered baseball taboo. To mention it is to risk jinxing it. But Bunning broke tradition and in the late innings of that game talked openly with teammates in the dugout about the possibility of finishing off the feat.
 
"Jim Bunning was way too practical of a man to worry about a jinx," former teammate Rick Wise once said. Wise pitched the second game of that Father's Day doubleheader. It started 20 minutes after Bunning completed his perfecto and Wise had trouble finding a ball and a catcher to warm him up because everyone was busy celebrating the perfect game.
 
Bunning went 224-184 with a 3.27 ERA in 591 career games. He led the American League with 20 wins in 1957. He led the league in innings twice and strikeouts three times. He was elected to the Hall of Fame by the Veterans Committee in 1996 and went into Cooperstown as a Phillie.
 
Bunning had two tours with the Phillies, 1964-67 and 1970-71, and was a straight-laced competitor who expected effort and excellence from his teammates. During his second time through Philadelphia, as he was nearing the end of his career, he was a teammate of a young shortstop named Larry Bowa.
 
"I remember him coming up to me and saying, ‘Don’t ever, ever lose your energy. I don’t want to turn around and see your head dropping because you’re 0 for 3,’" Bowa recalled Saturday. "He said, ‘I don’t ever want to see that.’ He said, ‘You’ve got to be accountable. You’ve got to play with energy. You’ve got to play every inning of every game.
 
"I made an error one day and he turned around — I didn’t even want to make eye contact with him — he turned around and he was rubbing the ball and looked at me and I went, 'Yeah, I know I should have caught it.' He was just that intense."
 
Bunning had a mean streak on the mound. He led the league in hit batsman four times.
 
Bowa recalled the time Ron Hunt — a notorious plunkee — did not get out of the way of a Bunning breaking ball. As Hunt ran to first base, Bunning admonished him.
 
"He went over and said, 'Ron, if you want to get hit, I’ll hit you next time and it won’t be a breaking ball.' That’s what kind of competitor he was."
 
Bunning suffered a stroke last year.
 
"I knew he had been sick," Bowa said. "Tremendous, tremendous person who taught me a lot about the game in a short time.
 
"He always gave me good advice. He talked about self-evaluation with me all the time. He said you’ve got to be accountable in this game, no one gives you anything in this game. I never had a pitcher mentor me like he did. In spring training, he told me, ‘Keep your mouth shut and your eyes and ears open.’ It was that simple. I said, ‘Yes, sir.’
 
"When a guy like that takes the time with someone who is just starting, it’s, I mean, it resonated throughout my career."

MLB Notes: Tigers place 2B Ian Kinsler on 10-day disabled list

MLB Notes: Tigers place 2B Ian Kinsler on 10-day disabled list

CHICAGO -- The Detroit Tigers placed Ian Kinsler on the 10-day disabled list because of a strained left hamstring ahead of their doubleheader against the Chicago White Sox on Saturday.

Outfielder JaCoby Jones was recalled from Triple A Toledo to fill the roster spot. He was scheduled to start the first game of the twin bill in center field.

Kinsler sat out five games because of the same injury this month. He has a .239 batting average, four home runs and 11 RBIs in 41 games this season.

Also, the Tigers acquired the contract of pitcher Arcenio Leon and Chad Bell was optioned to Toledo. Bell pitched 2 1/3 innings on Friday. Pitcher William Cuevas was designated for assignment.

Leon spent the 2016 season in the Mexican League before signing as minor league free agent last winter. He'd be making his major league debut.

Indians: Ace starter Corey Kluber expected to rejoin rotation next week
CLEVELAND -- Corey Kluber, sidelined most of the month with a strained lower back, is expected to rejoin the Cleveland Indians rotation on Thursday against Oakland.

Cleveland's ace right-hander hasn't pitched since May 2 when he left his start against Detroit after three innings. He threw five scoreless innings for Double-A Akron on a minor league rehab assignment Friday.

Kluber is 3-2 with a 5.06 ERA in six starts. He pitched 249 1/3 innings last season, including 34 1/3 in the playoffs. Kluber also pitched on three days rest three times during the postseason, two coming against the Chicago Cubs in the World Series.

Kluber was 18-9 with a 3.14 ERA and two shutouts in the regular season and went 4-1 with a 1.83 ERA in six playoff starts. He won the AL Cy Young Award in 2014 and was third in the voting last season.

Indians manager Terry Francona didn't say whose spot Kluber will take in the rotation.

Padres: OF Manuel Margot placed on 10-day DL with calf strain
WASHINGTON -- The San Diego Padres placed Manuel Margot on the 10-day disabled list with a strained right calf before Saturday's game against the Washington Nationals.

The centerfielder left Wednesday's game with calf soreness. He was in a walking boot ahead of Friday's series opener.

Second on the team in at-bats, the 22-year-old Margot is batting .259 with four home runs and 13 RBIs.

"He's just sore right now," Padres manager Andy Green said. "He'll take off four-to-five days and keep the workload really minimum. After that, see how he progresses."

Outfielder Franchy Cordero was called up from Triple-A El Paso for his major league debut. He is expected to start Sunday and receive much of the playing time in center field.