The Evsters Guide On: How To Make Your Own Jerseys

The Evsters Guide On: How To Make Your Own Jerseys

So you wanna be a baller.

You’ve got a dope haircut, some fresh sneaks and a $400-a-week cocaine habit, but do you have the one key attribute that certifies your P.I.M.P. status? No, I’m not talking about cocaine, you have the cocaine, you have plenty of cocaine – and I’m not talking about “power” or “respect” or “swag” or any of that dumb stuff that doesn’t really mean anything – I’m talking about a jersey, an authentic NBA jersey. Didn’t you read the title of this post? It’s not like it should be a surprise, this article is gonna be about jerseys, all about jerseys. It’s right up top in huge bold print. Geez.

For a long time now, ever since Grant Hill was collecting an NBA paycheck, authentic jerseys have been the official #1 status symbol in the hip-hop world. From rappers to hustlas to Jewish kids on the Main Line, anyone who’s anyone has rocked a jersey. Check out this incredibly cool dude stuntin’ in his 1988 Portland Trailblazers’ Clyde Drex.

Unfortunately, jerseys (and cocaine habits) are really expensive, but fortunately I’ve got a solution: make your own. Once again, shoulda read it up top. Stay with me here folks. Making your own jerseys is easy, cheap and fun – especially on cocaine!

Think about it, everything these days is Do It Yourself. There’s DIY home improvement, DIY checkout counters, DIY egg salad, so why not DIY jerseys? Plus, how frustrating is it to walk out of a sporting goods store empty handed because they didn’t have your size? Or the player you wanted? By making your own jersey you can have ANY player you want, in ANY size, while getting egg salad all over your dumb, fat face!

Currently on MitchellAndNess.com, they offer only four Sixers jerseys (AI, Moses, Doc and Wilt). And that’s fine, I love those guys and I love Mitchell and Ness, but what if you want a Sedale Threatt jawn? Or Scotty Brooks? Or Joe Jelly Bean Bryant?

Boom!

Any player you want. Any team. Any era. Not into the Sixers? More of a Washington Bullets fan? Then say hello to Jeff Ruland, Jeff Malone or JEFF THE JEFFINATOR JEFFRIES! Not even a real person! Doesn’t matter! You can literally make anyone! Sorry, did someone mention Manute Bol???

Double boom!

All right, enough greasing the wheels, obviously this is a brilliant idea –so simply follow these 12 easy steps and you’ll be on your way to being cool for the first time in your pathetic, shame-filled life.

[Be sure to check out the full photo gallery of all of The Evster's handcrafted jerseys here]

Step 1: Get a t-shirt

You don’t even have to buy one. I’m sure you have 37 old white t-shirts with deodorant-stained armpits that your wife would love for you to get rid of. So simply grab some scissors, cut off the sleeves and wammo! you’ve got a blank canvas for your brand new Anthony Mason.

If you want to be a true baller (like say, oh, I dunno, me?), you could always go out and get yourself a fresh, new blank t-shirt. Michael’s arts & crafts store has tons of colors and sizes at super cheap prices, and Modell’s has actual tank tops (made by Russell Athletic aka the shaftiest brand in the world).

Step 2: Buy some fabric markers

Crayola is my brand of choice – they’re inexpensive and come in all basic colors – but you can get by with any ole fabric marker AS LONG AS IT’S A FABRIC MARKER.

IMPORTANT: THE EVSTER DOES NOT ENDORSE NON-FABRIC MARKERS i.e. SHARPIES, FLARPEES OR ANY OTHER ARPEES. YOU CAN TELL THE FABRIC MARKERS FROM THE NON-FABRIC MARKERS BY THE FACT THAT FABRIC MARKERS SAY “FABRIC MARKERS” ON THEM.

Michael’s, Dick Blick’s (actual place!) and other arts & crafts stores have loads of other markers in various colors (which are key if you need to draw some teal pinstripes for your Charlotte Hornets Kelly Tripucka), but the Crayola pack is a great starter kit. They draw on smooth, don’t run, and stay pretty vibrant after 4 billion cycles through the washing machine with the rest of all your fat, disgusting, sweaty clothing.

Step 3: Clear off your dining room table

You’re gonna need some room to spread out and it’s not like you ever use that table anyway. I mean really, when’s the last time you sat down and enjoyed an actual dinner made by an actual person instead of sitting on the couch and shoving food into your fat, disgusting, sweaty face? Would it kill you to sit at the table like a grown-up for once? Oh my God you’re so fat!

Step 4: Put some tunes on

You’re an artist! And artists are moved by music. So depending on what jersey you’re making, pop on some tunes that will connect you to that athlete. For example, if you’re making a Shawn Kemp Sonics jerz, listen to Eazy-E. If you’re crafting a Waymond Tisdale, put on some Teddy Pendergrass. Keith Van Horn? The Goo Goo Dolls. You get the point.

ALSO IMPORTANT: THE EVSTER DOES NOT CONDONE MAKING A KEITH VAN HORN JERSEY OR ANY OTHER PLAYER WHO SUCKS REALLY, REALLY HARD. SLIGHT EXCEPTION IF YOU WANTED TO MAKE A KVH PHOENIX MERCURY OR MINNESOTA LYNX JERSEY. THOSE WOULD PROBABLY BE ACCEPTABLE.

Step 5: Make some egg salad!

At this point, you gotta be STARVING. I mean, what’s it been? Twenty minutes since you last shoved something in your fat face? Go ahead and boil 4, maybe 5 eggs for around 9 minutes. Then let them sit in some cool water so you don’t burn your goddamn fingers off when you peel the shell. You’re an artist, remember?! Your hands are your life force! After about 10 mins, peel them suckas, mash ‘em with a fork, slop on some mayonnaise, season to taste and then bang-boom-pow, you’re in Egg Salad City.

Step 6: Rip a manila folder in half

Very key!

Nobody said drawing on fabric was easy. (Actually, a few paragraphs ago I said it was easy. I lied. Nothing’s easy. That’s why people do drugs.)

Slide your half-a-manila folder inside your t-shirt to give yourself a nice, smooth surface to press against. You’ll find the marker flows much better with the folder inside, plus this prevents the ink from leaking through to the back of the jersey. If you don’t have a manila folder, you could go purchase a pack of 4 billion of ‘em at Staples for like a dollar. Or you could steal them from your office like I do (total baller move).

Step 7: Pull up or print out an image of your jersey

Some jerseys are very easy to find online (MJ, Bird, Fletch) while more obscure players (Marc Iavaroni, Nick Van Exel, Clark Griswold) can be much trickier to track down. If you can’t find a big, clear picture of the jersey you want, then search for a jersey of one of their more popular teammates and use that as your
template. For examp, if you can’t find a Rusty LaRue Wake Forest, search for Rodney Rogers or Randolph Childress. Man, how did that team ever lose a game?

Step 8: Get drawing!

No stencils, no tracing paper, no “Ohhhh I’m so scared to make my own jersey, ohhhh I’m gonna mess everything up, ohhhh I’m so fat and disgusting and alone,” you’re making your own jersey, you’re not delivering a child. Nothing matters. Just start drawing. Do everything freehand. This is art.

Step 9: Don’t color stuff in – just make some squiggly lines

If you try to color in all the numbers and letters on your jersey, you’re gonna have inconsistent saturation, and NO ONE wants inconsistent saturation. Plus, it wears out your markers and takes FOREVER. Instead, make little lines to color everything in. I learned this little secret from my brother WHO IS AN ARCHITECT. It’s much easier, has the same result, and this is honestly the only piece of worthwhile information provided in this whole entire blogpost.

Step 10: Details details details

Gotta add some deets – the NBA logo, the Warriors’ captain “C”, RIP Jerome Brown, whatever – this is what makes authentic jerseys so awesome. Well, this and the fact that chicks dig dudes with money.

Step 11: Let it all seep in

When you’re ready to step outside in your brand new jersey and blow peoples’ minds, chill your fat face for a second and give it a quick whirl in the dryer for like 20 minutes. The heat from the dryer makes the ink seep into the shirt (or something like that, I dunno, I read* that on the back of a cereal box once and have been doing it ever since).

*skimmed

Step 12: Take over the world

Congratulations, you are now a certifiable baller.

Pluck the stray hairs from your shoulders, put on your best pair of socks and get ready to run this town. Well, unless you did a lousy job. Then you may have to start all over. In fact, it might take you around 18 different tries before you get the hang of it. But when you doooo …

Of course, not everyone will love your jersey. I once met Sheryl Swoopes at the 2001 NBA Dunk Contest and she yelled at me for wearing a homemade Sacramento Kings C-Webb. But what does Swoopsey know about fashion? Plus, I never thought she was all that in the first place (too one-dimensional). I mean c’mon, any knucklehead can score. I was much more into Diana Taurasi, Ticha Penicheiro and Chamique Cuckoo! Cuckoo! Holdsclaw.

Speaking of women who are completely out of their minds … new moms are always putting their dumb babies in borrriiiinnnnggggg clothes that say stuff like “Daddy’s Little Sweetheart” and “Future Doctor” and “I suck at reading,” so why not make a dope onezie for your kid?

And you don’t have to stick to basketball, that’s just my preferred jersey of choice. You can make whatever the hell you want – soccer kits, hockey sweaters, whatever – this is America, goddamnit! Land of the free!

Look the bottom line is, in this great country of ours you can do whatever you want. I saw a guy on 13th and Chestnut this morning talking to a door. No one bothered him. Pretty sure he was wearing a legit Terry Dehere Seton Hall jersey. It might’ve actually been Terry Dehere. Really nice guy.

So go on, folks!

Your days of being a nobody are over!

Grab some supplies, think of that jersey you’ve always wanted and get ready to drive your wife absolutely bananas.

Or you could just contact me and I’ll make you whatever jersey you want. And I’ll only charge $15. That’s a bargain! Maybe $25 for a more difficult project like a Fat Lever Denver Nuggs or Big Country Reeves Vancouver Grizz. I CAN LITERALLY MAKE YOU WHOEVER YOU WANT.

HANK GATHERS!!!

The Evster writes a blog called TV My Wife Watches where he writes about TV his wife watches. You can follow him on Twitter @TVMWW orrrrrrrr you can look at this ridiculous photo gallery of his homemade jerseys.

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Watch Delware 87ers legend Nate Robinson dribble through a player's legs

Watch Delware 87ers legend Nate Robinson dribble through a player's legs

Delaware 87ers living legend Nate Robinson pulled a new one out of his bag of tricks on Saturday.

Akin to your dog running through the doggie door and back into your house, the 5-foot-9 Robinson took matters into his own hands when he was in a jam and dribbled *THROUGH* the legs of 7-foot-2 Raptors 905 big man Edy Tavares.

Like put his entire body through Tavares' legs while dribbling.

No, seriously, check this out.

Call him up to the Sixers right now just for that. All of us, especially Shaq, need to see him do that to JaVale McGee on Monday when the Warriors are in town.

Outside of that move, it was not a good night for Robinson as he finished with just three points on 1 of 6 from the field.

The Robinson comeback tour in the First State has gotten off to an OK start. He's averaging eight points through four games with the 87ers.

But who cares about points if you can do cool stuff like dribble your whole body through another dude's legs?

Commence the Justin Anderson era

Commence the Justin Anderson era

Last night, the Philadelphia 76ers came seconds away from not just their second straight win since their already shorthanded team was further decimated over the All-Star break, but their second straight pantsing of New York after what should've been an easy Knicks win. Down double-digits for most of the second half -- and trailing by 12 with just five minutes to go -- the Ballers battled back to take a one-point lead on a Jahlil Okafor hook shot with nine seconds to go. But Carmelo Anthony was unstoppable virtually all night, and he victimized Robert Covington at the buzzer with a baseline jumper that avenged the T.J. McConnell shot a couple months earlier. Final score: Knicks 110, 76ers 109. 

Hard to get mad at this L when you're just overwhelmed with love for everyone on the roster. Dario Saric continued his awesome February with 19-15-5 -- the first Sixers rookie to put up those numbers in a half-century -- even though his shot wasn't really falling (7-17 FG, 1-5 3PT). That's what's really remarkable about Dario's recent hot streak, and what separates it from, say, Nik Stasukas' impossibly scorching late 2016 -- he's averaging 20 a game (along with nine rebounds and three assists) over his last seven, and he's shooting over 50% for that span, but he's doing it while only hitting 31% from deep. The fact that he's scoring so prolifically without getting a lot of lucky bounces means it's not just an unsustainable fluke, and that Dario's gonna be a problem for defenses in this league for a long time. 

Speaking of Nik -- he had some embarrassing moments in this one, including a thunderously missed dunk and a thrown-away pass while leading a 3-on-1 break, but he redeemed himself with some big shots in the fourth quarter, and ended up with a nice 14 points on 5-9 shooting. It's his seventh game in a row scoring double digits -- all since moving back to the bench, which is particularly remarkable when you consider that in his 21 games before that as a starter, he only scored in double-digits five times. His starting/reserve splits for the season remain absolutely absurd, but if his NBA destiny is just to be an awesome seventh man for us, we'll certainly take it. 

And as much crap as Jahlil Okafor has gotten from Sixers fans the last few weeks -- few more than me -- as the unlucky child left behind in the Sixers' divorce with Nerlens Noel, I gotta say: He was awesome in this one. 28 points and ten rebounds, and even though the Knicks paraded to the rim early (Okafor-Saric frontcourt, yikes), Jahlil got stronger as the game went on both sides of the ball, in a way I don't ever remember seeing from him before. He saved a good deal of his damage for the fourth quarter, with 11 points, including two absolutely gigantic buckets late, including the hook on the Sixers' scattered final possession that could've been the game-winner. The Nerlens trade will never be justifiable, but if Jah can keep playing like this, it'll certainly take some of the sting out.

So much more to rave about in this one: T.J. McConnell was as clutch late as Jah, even hitting a rare three-pointer (just his second of 2017) to nearly become a repeat Knicks-killer. Covington couldn't handle Carmelo (37 points on 15-25 shooting) at really any point in this one -- thus putting him in good company with every other Sixers wing defender of the past decade -- and his own shot wasn't falling, but he still powered his way to 20 and 10, and had three steals, making it six straight games with at least that many, the longest such streak in the NBA this season. Sergio Rodriguez had about the worst game a point guard could have (2 points on 1-8 shooting, with just one assist and terrible defense), but he's just about the only Sixer you didn't want to hug after this one. 

And oh yeah, welcome aboard Justin Anderson. Our latest acquisition didn't get to do a ton for us in this one, playing just three minutes and attempting one shot (a badly missed corner three), but he had some eye-catching moments on defense, and gave us all some nice Jason Richardson flashbacks wearing the #23. Looking forward to getting to know you, J-And.