The Evsters Guide On: How To Make Your Own Jerseys

The Evsters Guide On: How To Make Your Own Jerseys

So you wanna be a baller.

You’ve got a dope haircut, some fresh sneaks and a $400-a-week cocaine habit, but do you have the one key attribute that certifies your P.I.M.P. status? No, I’m not talking about cocaine, you have the cocaine, you have plenty of cocaine – and I’m not talking about “power” or “respect” or “swag” or any of that dumb stuff that doesn’t really mean anything – I’m talking about a jersey, an authentic NBA jersey. Didn’t you read the title of this post? It’s not like it should be a surprise, this article is gonna be about jerseys, all about jerseys. It’s right up top in huge bold print. Geez.

For a long time now, ever since Grant Hill was collecting an NBA paycheck, authentic jerseys have been the official #1 status symbol in the hip-hop world. From rappers to hustlas to Jewish kids on the Main Line, anyone who’s anyone has rocked a jersey. Check out this incredibly cool dude stuntin’ in his 1988 Portland Trailblazers’ Clyde Drex.

Unfortunately, jerseys (and cocaine habits) are really expensive, but fortunately I’ve got a solution: make your own. Once again, shoulda read it up top. Stay with me here folks. Making your own jerseys is easy, cheap and fun – especially on cocaine!

Think about it, everything these days is Do It Yourself. There’s DIY home improvement, DIY checkout counters, DIY egg salad, so why not DIY jerseys? Plus, how frustrating is it to walk out of a sporting goods store empty handed because they didn’t have your size? Or the player you wanted? By making your own jersey you can have ANY player you want, in ANY size, while getting egg salad all over your dumb, fat face!

Currently on MitchellAndNess.com, they offer only four Sixers jerseys (AI, Moses, Doc and Wilt). And that’s fine, I love those guys and I love Mitchell and Ness, but what if you want a Sedale Threatt jawn? Or Scotty Brooks? Or Joe Jelly Bean Bryant?

Boom!

Any player you want. Any team. Any era. Not into the Sixers? More of a Washington Bullets fan? Then say hello to Jeff Ruland, Jeff Malone or JEFF THE JEFFINATOR JEFFRIES! Not even a real person! Doesn’t matter! You can literally make anyone! Sorry, did someone mention Manute Bol???

Double boom!

All right, enough greasing the wheels, obviously this is a brilliant idea –so simply follow these 12 easy steps and you’ll be on your way to being cool for the first time in your pathetic, shame-filled life.

[Be sure to check out the full photo gallery of all of The Evster's handcrafted jerseys here]

Step 1: Get a t-shirt

You don’t even have to buy one. I’m sure you have 37 old white t-shirts with deodorant-stained armpits that your wife would love for you to get rid of. So simply grab some scissors, cut off the sleeves and wammo! you’ve got a blank canvas for your brand new Anthony Mason.

If you want to be a true baller (like say, oh, I dunno, me?), you could always go out and get yourself a fresh, new blank t-shirt. Michael’s arts & crafts store has tons of colors and sizes at super cheap prices, and Modell’s has actual tank tops (made by Russell Athletic aka the shaftiest brand in the world).

Step 2: Buy some fabric markers

Crayola is my brand of choice – they’re inexpensive and come in all basic colors – but you can get by with any ole fabric marker AS LONG AS IT’S A FABRIC MARKER.

IMPORTANT: THE EVSTER DOES NOT ENDORSE NON-FABRIC MARKERS i.e. SHARPIES, FLARPEES OR ANY OTHER ARPEES. YOU CAN TELL THE FABRIC MARKERS FROM THE NON-FABRIC MARKERS BY THE FACT THAT FABRIC MARKERS SAY “FABRIC MARKERS” ON THEM.

Michael’s, Dick Blick’s (actual place!) and other arts & crafts stores have loads of other markers in various colors (which are key if you need to draw some teal pinstripes for your Charlotte Hornets Kelly Tripucka), but the Crayola pack is a great starter kit. They draw on smooth, don’t run, and stay pretty vibrant after 4 billion cycles through the washing machine with the rest of all your fat, disgusting, sweaty clothing.

Step 3: Clear off your dining room table

You’re gonna need some room to spread out and it’s not like you ever use that table anyway. I mean really, when’s the last time you sat down and enjoyed an actual dinner made by an actual person instead of sitting on the couch and shoving food into your fat, disgusting, sweaty face? Would it kill you to sit at the table like a grown-up for once? Oh my God you’re so fat!

Step 4: Put some tunes on

You’re an artist! And artists are moved by music. So depending on what jersey you’re making, pop on some tunes that will connect you to that athlete. For example, if you’re making a Shawn Kemp Sonics jerz, listen to Eazy-E. If you’re crafting a Waymond Tisdale, put on some Teddy Pendergrass. Keith Van Horn? The Goo Goo Dolls. You get the point.

ALSO IMPORTANT: THE EVSTER DOES NOT CONDONE MAKING A KEITH VAN HORN JERSEY OR ANY OTHER PLAYER WHO SUCKS REALLY, REALLY HARD. SLIGHT EXCEPTION IF YOU WANTED TO MAKE A KVH PHOENIX MERCURY OR MINNESOTA LYNX JERSEY. THOSE WOULD PROBABLY BE ACCEPTABLE.

Step 5: Make some egg salad!

At this point, you gotta be STARVING. I mean, what’s it been? Twenty minutes since you last shoved something in your fat face? Go ahead and boil 4, maybe 5 eggs for around 9 minutes. Then let them sit in some cool water so you don’t burn your goddamn fingers off when you peel the shell. You’re an artist, remember?! Your hands are your life force! After about 10 mins, peel them suckas, mash ‘em with a fork, slop on some mayonnaise, season to taste and then bang-boom-pow, you’re in Egg Salad City.

Step 6: Rip a manila folder in half

Very key!

Nobody said drawing on fabric was easy. (Actually, a few paragraphs ago I said it was easy. I lied. Nothing’s easy. That’s why people do drugs.)

Slide your half-a-manila folder inside your t-shirt to give yourself a nice, smooth surface to press against. You’ll find the marker flows much better with the folder inside, plus this prevents the ink from leaking through to the back of the jersey. If you don’t have a manila folder, you could go purchase a pack of 4 billion of ‘em at Staples for like a dollar. Or you could steal them from your office like I do (total baller move).

Step 7: Pull up or print out an image of your jersey

Some jerseys are very easy to find online (MJ, Bird, Fletch) while more obscure players (Marc Iavaroni, Nick Van Exel, Clark Griswold) can be much trickier to track down. If you can’t find a big, clear picture of the jersey you want, then search for a jersey of one of their more popular teammates and use that as your
template. For examp, if you can’t find a Rusty LaRue Wake Forest, search for Rodney Rogers or Randolph Childress. Man, how did that team ever lose a game?

Step 8: Get drawing!

No stencils, no tracing paper, no “Ohhhh I’m so scared to make my own jersey, ohhhh I’m gonna mess everything up, ohhhh I’m so fat and disgusting and alone,” you’re making your own jersey, you’re not delivering a child. Nothing matters. Just start drawing. Do everything freehand. This is art.

Step 9: Don’t color stuff in – just make some squiggly lines

If you try to color in all the numbers and letters on your jersey, you’re gonna have inconsistent saturation, and NO ONE wants inconsistent saturation. Plus, it wears out your markers and takes FOREVER. Instead, make little lines to color everything in. I learned this little secret from my brother WHO IS AN ARCHITECT. It’s much easier, has the same result, and this is honestly the only piece of worthwhile information provided in this whole entire blogpost.

Step 10: Details details details

Gotta add some deets – the NBA logo, the Warriors’ captain “C”, RIP Jerome Brown, whatever – this is what makes authentic jerseys so awesome. Well, this and the fact that chicks dig dudes with money.

Step 11: Let it all seep in

When you’re ready to step outside in your brand new jersey and blow peoples’ minds, chill your fat face for a second and give it a quick whirl in the dryer for like 20 minutes. The heat from the dryer makes the ink seep into the shirt (or something like that, I dunno, I read* that on the back of a cereal box once and have been doing it ever since).

*skimmed

Step 12: Take over the world

Congratulations, you are now a certifiable baller.

Pluck the stray hairs from your shoulders, put on your best pair of socks and get ready to run this town. Well, unless you did a lousy job. Then you may have to start all over. In fact, it might take you around 18 different tries before you get the hang of it. But when you doooo …

Of course, not everyone will love your jersey. I once met Sheryl Swoopes at the 2001 NBA Dunk Contest and she yelled at me for wearing a homemade Sacramento Kings C-Webb. But what does Swoopsey know about fashion? Plus, I never thought she was all that in the first place (too one-dimensional). I mean c’mon, any knucklehead can score. I was much more into Diana Taurasi, Ticha Penicheiro and Chamique Cuckoo! Cuckoo! Holdsclaw.

Speaking of women who are completely out of their minds … new moms are always putting their dumb babies in borrriiiinnnnggggg clothes that say stuff like “Daddy’s Little Sweetheart” and “Future Doctor” and “I suck at reading,” so why not make a dope onezie for your kid?

And you don’t have to stick to basketball, that’s just my preferred jersey of choice. You can make whatever the hell you want – soccer kits, hockey sweaters, whatever – this is America, goddamnit! Land of the free!

Look the bottom line is, in this great country of ours you can do whatever you want. I saw a guy on 13th and Chestnut this morning talking to a door. No one bothered him. Pretty sure he was wearing a legit Terry Dehere Seton Hall jersey. It might’ve actually been Terry Dehere. Really nice guy.

So go on, folks!

Your days of being a nobody are over!

Grab some supplies, think of that jersey you’ve always wanted and get ready to drive your wife absolutely bananas.

Or you could just contact me and I’ll make you whatever jersey you want. And I’ll only charge $15. That’s a bargain! Maybe $25 for a more difficult project like a Fat Lever Denver Nuggs or Big Country Reeves Vancouver Grizz. I CAN LITERALLY MAKE YOU WHOEVER YOU WANT.

HANK GATHERS!!!

The Evster writes a blog called TV My Wife Watches where he writes about TV his wife watches. You can follow him on Twitter @TVMWW orrrrrrrr you can look at this ridiculous photo gallery of his homemade jerseys.

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Flyers suffer deflating outdoor loss to Penguins, fall in playoff picture

Flyers suffer deflating outdoor loss to Penguins, fall in playoff picture

BOX SCORE

PITTSBURGH – They won the battle inside the faceoff circle. Outshot their opponent badly. Blocked more shots, too.

And the Flyers still lost. Sound familiar?

Saturday's 4-2 defeat (see Instant Replay) to the Penguins at Heinz Field in the Stadium Series outdoor game likely confirms for general manager Ron Hextall it’s time to be a seller at the trade deadline with a playoff berth seemingly out of sight.

"We gotta score goals. We got good opportunities, but it’s getting old," Jakub Voracek lamented. "If we don’t find a way to win a game, nobody cares."

Not enough scoring from their pop-gun offense, which now has just 25 goals over their last 16 games. Which is a major reason why they've lost seven of their last nine.

"It's that cliché, gripping your stick and I don’t like to use that," Voracek said. "The bottom line, if we want to make the playoffs we got to score the goals. We're not scoring."

It was 36 degrees at puck drop and there were swirling wind gusts. Players said the first period was tough, but they adjusted as the game went on.

"It feels good. It feels awesome," Wayne Simmonds said. "It's the way ice hockey should be played."

So should a few wins with this club and it's not happening. They play well enough to win but ...

"We got to get going here," Shayne Gostisbehere said. "We're [five] points back and that's the biggest thing and it's in all of our heads now. It's getting down to not a lot of games left and we've got to get two points."

Goalie Michal Neuvirth did not have a strong game facing 29 shots.

"We walk away with the wrong result," coach Dave Hakstol said. "We have a day in-between to turn the page and get back at it."

Things began Pittsburgh's way with Sidney Crosby scoring at 11:18, sneaking to the low right slot near the goal line to take a perfect pass from Jake Guentzel and one-time into the far side on Neuvirth for his 34th goal.

Brayden Schenn, centering a new line with Nick Cousins and Jakub Voracek, had a solid scoring chance in the final minute of the period, but Pens goalie Matt Murray turned his shot aside. Murray also had two good saves on Sean Couturier earlier from in-tight.

Nick Bonino, one of the heroes from the Stanley Cup Final last season, made it 2-0 at 6:44 of the second period on the power play. He scored almost from the same spot where Crosby scored.

Minutes earlier, Guenztel took a questionable hit to the head area from Brandon Manning which the Penguins felt was illegal (see video). Pittsburgh came back with Chris Kunitz rocking Ivan Provorov two shifts later.

Manning’s hit energized the Flyers, who owned the second period.

Hours before the game, Voracek said what most people were already thinking.

"I would expect this to be the biggest game of the year," he said. "You look at the standings. We can’t afford to lose."

Voracek wasn't kidding when he said the Flyers needed to do something here. He went behind the net 4-on-4 with Justin Schultz and came around the front with the puck to muscle it past Murray at 11:14, cutting the Flyers deficit in half.

Voracek's goal, his second in three games, gave the Flyers even more of a lift and they made a strong push to tie the game before the period ended.

"We spent a lot of time in their zone and we were very strong on the forecheck," Voracek said. "We had comebacks early in the season … but two penalties in the end, it's tough … How do you rebound? You have no choice. We're not out. We have to start winning."

The Flyers killed off a carryover penalty to start the third but immediately after, the Pens got a strong forecheck with Eric Fehr behind the net, getting the puck over to 40-year-old Matt Cullen, who snuck up on Neuvirth and stunned him with a wraparound.

That was a terribly costly goal and made it 3-1 but Gostisbehere got it right back minutes later with his first goal in 34 games off a point shot during the power play.

It was as close as the Flyers got. Pittsburgh scored off a faceoff to make it 4-2 in the final six minutes. Sean Couturier lost a draw to Evgeni Malkin and the Pens scored off a point drive Neuvirth couldn't find.

"That was deflating," Gostisbehere said. "We can be sad for ourselves all we want … bad bounces or we can say, 'well, it's lucky.' But you know, it keeps happening for a reason."

Penn fails to clinch Ivy tournament spot in 70-67 loss at Columbia

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USA Today Images

Penn fails to clinch Ivy tournament spot in 70-67 loss at Columbia

BOX SCORE

NEW YORK -- Mike Smith scored 20 points, including a key 3-pointer with a minute left, Luke Petrasek added 17 with a blocked shot as time ran out, and Columbia edged Penn 70-67 in a critical Ivy League game on Saturday night.

The Lions (11-14) and Quakers (12-13) are both 5-7 and tied for fourth in league play with a week to go. This is the first season the Ivy League has a postseason tournament with the top four teams qualifying.

Neither team led by double figures, their statistics were almost identical and there were 11 ties and 10 lead changes, although Columbia took the lead for good on a Nate Hickman's free throws with 10:27 remaining during an 8-0 run.

Hickman gave Columbia a 67-60 lead -- the largest of the second half -- on a 3-pointer with 5:37 to go. The Lions then went 4:11 without a basket, missing seven-straight shots. Ryan Betley's free throws pulled the Quakers within 2 before Smith hit is trey at 1:04.

Betley made two free throws and after a Columbia miss the Quakers had two 3 attempts with Petrasek saving the day.

AJ Brodeur and Jackson Donahue had 16 each for Penn.