The Evsters Year-End Best-Of 2012 Sixers Award Thingies

The Evsters Year-End Best-Of 2012 Sixers Award Thingies

The New Year is all about reflecting on the past,
looking forward to the future, and according to my wife: not shaving
your legs until mid March/early April. So seeing that this is the time
for Best Of columns (and because I couldn’t think of a decent thread
for this post), here are my Year-End awards for your hometown Philadorphlia
Seventy Sorxers! 

Reminder: the Sixers are currently
2 games below .500 and have lost 8 of their last 11. Also, sleeping
with a woman whose legs feel like thorn bushes can make you a littttttttle
cranky.

Here we go! 

Best Dog Who Also
Happens to Play Basketball

Nominees: Nick Young, Kwame Brown,
my friend's dog Leroy who once ate a basketball. 

Nick Young plays basketball like an 8-year-old: he shoots the
ball every time he touches it, plays no D, and gets distracted whenever
the ice cream guy comes by.

In his defense though, how could
you not? Those vanilla cones with the chocolate coating? AMAZINGGGGGG,
but they always melt the second you crack the outer shell and then drip
all over your arm causing you to miss most of the 2nd Quarter.
I was once licking the back of my wrists during a Sixers Dream Team
dance performance and locked eyes HARD with one of the dancers. I’m
pretty sure she quit later that evening. 

Kwame? I just feel sorry for that guy at this point. He
deserves an ice cream cone.

And Leroy is amazing except for the fact that
he will gank an ice cream cone RIGHT FROM YOUR WIFE’S HANDS when she’s
not looking. Note: This does NOT help when you’re trying to convince
your wife to let you get a dog. Other things that don’t help: leaving
your socks on the living room floor, forgetting to take the trash out
for three straight weeks, and calling your wife “Thorn Bush Legs McGee.” 

THE WINNER: Nick “RUFF RUFF!” Young

Guy Who Likes
Shooting a Basketball More Than Anyone Else Likes to Do Anything 

Nominees: Nick Young, Maalik Wayns,
My friend's 3-year-old son who seriously never passes me the ball and
is a total selfish piece of shit and also wouldn't give me any of his
mac and cheese the other day when he only ate like half of what was
in his bowl.

Here’s a scouting report on Nick Young that I obtained from a good friend
who works for the Phoenix Suns: 

NICK YOUNG LIKES TO THROW THE
BALL TOWARD THE HOOP. Let him do this becuz he’s a dawggggg. MICHAEL
BEAZ, IF YOU ARE ACTUALLY READING THIS, YOU’RE GUARDING NICK YOUNG
TONIGHT. He’s the guy who will have a shirt that says “YOUNG”
on the back, but not the “Young” who who be running around and trying
hard. I think you guys will get along really well. Also, yes Michael,
you can have an ice cream cone AFTER the game. Keyword there is “AFTER.”

Maalik Wayns at least TRIES to do other things, even though those
things often include “dribbling the ball off his foot” and “getting
his name spelled wrong.” Seriously, are we all okay with the double
A in Maalik and no relation to the Wayans Bros? Before I Googled it,
I wrote Maalik Wayns as “Malik Wayans, Mallik Waynns and Mel Torme’ans.” 

My friend’s 3-year-old son
is the Rodney Buford of basement basketball. I mean, dude, I was open
ALL DAY, and you KEPT SHOOTING? even though you went what, 2 for 30?
And yeah, pretty much every time I try to take a shot I end up hitting
the ceiling, BUT AT LEAST I GIVE IT UP ON THE 2-ON-1 BREAK AND IT’S
A REALLY LOW CEILING.

THE WINNER: RUFF RUFFFFF!!!

Guy Whose Name
is Nick and Who Sucks at Basketball 

Nominees: Nick Young, Nick Foles,
Nick Cannon

The worst thing is, some people actually like Nick Young! They like his crazy hair, his whacky shoes, but
you know what? My Aunt Maxine’s got crazy hair and whacky shoes, but
I’m not penciling her at the Two for 18 minutes a night. Also, she
shoots with two hands and once broke her wrist while carrying groceries.
IN HER DEFENSE THOUGH THEY WERE REALLY HEAVY GROCERIES. 

Nick Foles’s hair is unacceptable. UNACCEPTABLE.

I never thought I’d say this, but I kinda think
that Mariah Carey and Nick Cannon sort of work. I mean, yeah,
I’d much rather see her with a 300-pound defensive lineman who could
WEAR THAT ASS OUT, but if she’s happy with a little tweedle-dork,
then that’s nice for her. 

THE WINNER:  SWAGGALICIOUS

Best Something
About Something Oh Who Cares Let’s Just Talk More Isht on Nick Young

Look, obviously Nick Young is not the WORST basketball
player of all time – clearly that honor goes to Shawn Brads – but
he still sucks really, really hard. His career W-L record (BECAUSE REMEMBER
BASKETBALL IS A TEAM GAME) is 163-258 (and yeah I know he played for
the Wizards so that’s not entirely his fault, but it’s not like
you’re not reading this for actual basketball analysis). In his first
five seasons in the NBA (five seasons when Nick was at the PEAK OF HIS
ATHELTIC PRIME) Dr. Doggington has averaged 1.9 boards a game, 1 assist,
0.5 steals and 0.2 blocks, proving that he sucksssssss. 

At least Shawn Bradley ATTEMPTED to play defense when
dudes were ramming on his neck. Nick Young just “Olé’s” ‘em
on by and then frumps down court and parks himself in the corner to
jack another three … hashtag CLANGGGGGGG.

For the rec (and I can’t believe I just defended
Shawn Bradley in that last paragraph), the worst players in 76er history
are: 

Shawn Brads – BUT HE COULD SWING A GOLF CLUB.

Keith Van Horns – Played in 575 career NBA games despite the fact
that he was born with 37 vaginas.

Maalik Wayns – Sorry, that last line about Keith Van Horn’s
vaginas was totally sexist and obviously made up. He was actually born
with only 11 vaginas.

Best Foghorn Leghorn
Impression by a Blogger Who Will Probably Never Be Asked to Write for
The 700 Level Again 

Now listen here boy, who, now I say, I say WHO, in
the Sixers organization watched Nick Young play basketball the last
5 years and thought, “You know what? We could really use a total gunner
who enjoys shooting 22-foot fade-aways despite the fact that HE’S
NOT GOOD AT BASKETBALL.”

The worst thing is: Nick Young is an above-average
shooter with good size and decent athleticism who does ABSOLUTELY NONE
of the little things that help teams win games. And that makes me sick. 

The Sixers aren’t going anywhere this year with
lame-o dudes like Swaggy P making fans barf all over themselves. His
horrific body language and wanna-be silky-smooth demeanor is insulting
to us all. So Tony DiLeo, in 2013, why not make a few moves that at
least make this team more fun to watch? It’s time for this organization
to drop this bum and pick up a LEGIT smooth baller who is PASSIONATE.
INTENSE. PROUD.

A player who is so captivating that you can’t keep
your eyes off of him no matter how much ice cream is dripping down your
sleeves. 

Yeah, you know who I’m talkin’ about …

Charlie Villanueva. 

Smoothest legs in the biz.

 

The Evster writes a blog called
TV My Wife Watches where he writes about TV his wife watches. You can
follow him on Twitter @TVMWW. Orrrrrrrrrrrrrr you can look at this picture
of Charlie Villanueva lookin’ smoother than a muhhggg.

 


Phillies look to 'keep grinding' after latest rough loss to Rockies

Phillies look to 'keep grinding' after latest rough loss to Rockies

BOX SCORE

The Phillies have scored just two runs in 13 innings against a pair of rookie starting pitchers and the eventual outcome has been two losses to the Colorado Rockies the last couple of nights. The latest was an 8-2 setback on Tuesday night (see Instant Replay). That followed an 8-1 loss on Monday night.

What's happening right now at Citizens Bank Park is ugly. The Phillies are in the midst of a freefall that has seen them lose 19 of their last 23 games. They have been outscored 134-91 over that span.

Now, before we completely lose perspective here, the Phillies remain a building team and they were not expected to contend this season. But they weren't supposed to be this bad, either, and right now they are embarrassingly bad at 15-28.

John Middleton, the team's fiery managing partner, watched several innings of Tuesday night's debacle sitting beside Andy MacPhail in the club president's box. Oh, to have been a fly on that wall. Middleton is committed to a patient rebuild from the ground up, but he's also a man who has made it no secret that he likes to win a little. The show that the Phillies are putting on out on the field these days can't sit well with him. Surely it's not sitting well with the fans. Tuesday night's attendance was just 17,109, the lowest of the season, and many in that group headed home after Gerardo Parra's sixth-inning homer gave the Rockies an 8-1 lead.

"We're just in a big rut right now," manager Pete Mackanin said.

Shortstop Freddy Galvis added that he couldn't remember going through anything this bad.

"We have to keep grinding," he said. "Keep grinding, man. It's pretty tough right now."

Tuesday night's loss offered a tale of two young pitchers. Zach Eflin, the Phillies' 23-year-old right-hander and a veteran of just 18 big-league starts, was hit hard. Meanwhile, German Marquez, the Rockies' 22-year-old rookie, was impressive. He held the Phillies to one run over six innings. He twice faced bases-loaded jams and gave up just one run when he walked a batter.

On Monday night, the Phils were held to one run over seven innings by another rookie, Jeff Hoffman.

Rookie pitchers are often good medicine for struggling teams.

"That's the way I look at it," Mackanin said. "Unfortunately it hasn't happened.

"I know we're better than this. I think the team knows they're better than this. I can't fault the hustle. Someone might say there's no energy. Well, when you don't get any hits, there's no energy."

The Phillies have scored just three runs in the last three games.

The scarcity of runs gives the pitching very little room for error. But in this game, Eflin simply did not keep it close. He gave up 10 hits and eight runs over six innings of work. Phillies killer Charlie Blackmon torched Eflin for a pair of two-run homers and Parra got him for a solo shot.

"A poor outing," Mackanin said of Eflin's work. "He couldn't locate. The ball was up in the zone. He's struggling to keep the ball down.

"When he struck out Blackmon in the first inning, it was a two-seamer with great movement, I thought we're in for a good outing here. But then he couldn't keep the ball down. You have to pitch down or you're going to get hurt."

Eflin has given up 21 hits and 15 runs in his last two starts.

"It's frustrating, but it happens. It's baseball," he said. "There are going to be a lot of times in my career where I give up a lot of hits and a lot of runs. But I'm really not worried about it right now. I know that I'm going to continue to work hard and go out every fifth day and, you know, put up a line of winning baseball."

Blackmon has seven home runs in his last five games at Citizens Bank Park. He has three multi-homer games in Philadelphia.

"He seems to like hitting here," Eflin said. "But I just have to execute pitches. There's no excuse. I just have to be on top of my game."

Right now, the Phillies are at the bottom of their game.

"We have to stay together as a team and keep fighting, try to get out of what's happening right now," Galvis said. "It's a really tough situation, but we have keep playing hard."

NHL Playoffs Senators battle past Penguins to force Game 7

NHL Playoffs Senators battle past Penguins to force Game 7

BOX SCORE

OTTAWA, Ontario -- Craig Anderson and the Ottawa Senators bounced back nicely two days after a blowout loss put them on the brink of elimination.

Anderson stopped 45 shots, Mike Hoffman scored the tiebreaking goal early in the third period and the Senators beat the Pittsburgh Penguins 2-1 Tuesday night to force a decisive Game 7 in the Eastern Conference Finals.

The 36-year-old Anderson was coming off a pair of rough outings, including Sunday when he was pulled after yielding four goals in Ottawa's 7-0 loss in Game 5 at Pittsburgh.

"You can't change what happens in the past," said Anderson, who has credited work with a sports psychologist early in his career for helping him manage the mental side of the game. "From that moment on you have to look forward and get ready for the next one."

Hoffman fired a slap shot through traffic off a pass from Fredrik Claesson to put the Senators ahead at 1:34 of the third. Bobby Ryan also scored a rare power-play goal for Ottawa.

It was quite a response after the drubbing in the previous game.

"I think the biggest message for us was if somebody told us back in training camp in September that we'd have an opportunity to win Game 6 in the Eastern Conference final at home in front of our fans we would've taken it," Ryan said. "So let's not dwell, let's not kick ourselves and put our heads down. Let's embrace this opportunity to extend this for two more days together and go from there."

Evgeni Malkin gave Pittsburgh, vying for its second straight trip to the Stanley Cup Final, the lead early in the second period and Matt Murray finished with 28 saves.

"I thought we played a real good game," Penguins coach Mike Sullivan said. "I thought we dominated zone time. We had lots of chances. We didn't score tonight. The puck didn't go in the net, but if we continue to play the game that way, then I believe we'll get the result."

Game 7 is Thursday night in Pittsburgh, with the winner advancing to face the Nashville Predators for the championship.

Ottawa was primarily looking for a return to structure in Game 6, beginning with a smoother start -- which they got. Notable in a scoreless opening period were two effective penalty kills, one of which saw Viktor Stalberg get the best opportunity short-handed.

Pittsburgh had four shots with the man advantage, but Anderson stopped them all. It was evident early that he had his game back in this one. He stopped Nick Bonino off a rebound in transition, Scott Wilson off a deflected shot by Phil Kessel, and Bonino again when Kyle Turris gave the puck away.

Anderson then stopped 22 of 23 shots in the second period.

"I think Anderson was the reason that they got this one, he played big for them," Murray said. "But in our room we just focus on what we need to do. We played really well, we just didn't get the bounces and weren't able to put one home."

Anderson's performance was a reminder for Senators coach Guy Boucher of why he took the job with Ottawa in the first place last May.

"I'll be honest with you, if I didn't have a No. 1 goalie, I didn't want the job," Boucher said. "I've lived it for quite a few years, and it's hell when you don't have it because everything you do turns to darkness, and there's nothing that really matters when you don't have a real No. 1 goaltender.

"It's like a quarterback in football and a pitcher in baseball, and we have it," Boucher added.

Murray was also sharp. The 22-year-old, who replaced Marc-Andre Fleury after Game 3, made maybe his finest save of the first on Derick Brassard, who found an open lane down the middle of the ice following a pass from Ryan.

The Penguins appeared to have opened the scoring just over three minutes into the second, but Trevor Daley was deemed to have interfered with Anderson following an Ottawa challenge.

Less than two minutes later though, Pittsburgh took the 1-0 lead anyway off a few moments of brilliance from Malkin. The playoff scoring leading (24 points) bounced off a check from Zack Smith behind the goal and after being stopped on his drive to the net, followed up with a nifty backhand rebound to beat Anderson.

It was the 153rd career playoff point in 142 games for Malkin -- three back of Sidney Crosby for second among active players behind Jaromir Jagr -- who had been jarring with Hoffman a few minutes earlier.

The Senators had little going until a lengthy 5-on-3 advantage for 1:24 just past the midway point of the period. The Ottawa power play, which had gone 0 for 29 in the previous 10 games, came through with Ryan ultimately wiring a one-timer short-side to tie the score.

It was the sixth goal and 15th point of the playoffs for Ryan, who is second on the Senators behind captain Erik Karlsson (16 points).