Hater’s guide to the Dallas Cowboys (and why you should never date a Cowboys fan)

Hater’s guide to the Dallas Cowboys (and why you should never date a Cowboys fan)

With first place on the line this weekend, I thought it would be a good opportunity to revisit our dear ‘ol divisional rivals from Texas. Now, the Cowboys haven’t really been on our radar these past two years; we’ve focused most of our energy on hating our own team. To truly hate another, as they say, you must first hate yourself.

But Nmandi is gone, and Jason Babin is gator hunting somewhere in the Everglades. And if you remove Riley Cooper from the equation, this Birds team is suddenly much more likeable. Finally, we can once again channel our efforts to what really matters:

Hating the Cowboys.

And in case you have forgotten – and if you have, silly you – I’m here to offer a helping hand. A gentle nudge in the right direction.

“Pardon me, can you tell me how to hate the Cowboys again?”

Right this way, good sir.

Chris Boniol

Never forget.

Boniol, who didn’t miss a field goal in like seventeen years with the Cowboys, infiltrated the Eagles organization by way of free agency and torpedoed the entire kicking game. It was an egregious example of sabotage that would have made even Benedict Arnold blush. Boniol missed kicks wide left. Boniol missed kicked wide right. Boniol missed kicks short – an especially cruel form of deception for those watching at home.

“At a boot, Chris. Right down the middle. Now let’s get a three and out, defense. Hey, Wendy, can you pass the Tostitos?”

The kick is no good.

“Come again?”

The Other Cowboys

If you take a close look at the advanced statistics, Emmitt Smith is really just a poor man’s Heath Sherman.

Dan Bailey has been Giant Gonzales for Halloween every year since 1993.

Michael Irvin couldn’t get open without pushing off.

Deion Sanders buys his suits from Lane Bryant.

Tom Landry’s hat didn’t fit his head properly.

Tony Romo’s birth name is Topanga.

Dez Bryant pre-ordered Grown Ups 2 on Blu-ray.

The only “TO” I can think of is Tim Ohlbrecht.

Bill Bates doesn’t support the troops.

Charles Haley is still lined up in the neutral zone.

Jason Whitten puts ketchup on his filet mignon. Troy Aikmen does, too.

Alvin Harper wears socks with sandals.

I don’t call Daryl Johnston, “Moose,” because I think it’s insulting to all other moose.

The Fans 

A little known fact about Cowboys fans is that they are unfaithful. All of ‘em. Every Cowboys fan I’ve ever met has been a cheater. Remember that girl who slept with your roommate back in college? She has a Jay Novacek shirsey that she wears to Pilates. And remember your former best friend, the one who slept with your high school sweetheart while you were volunteering at the animal shelter? Well, he ‘supposedly’ has family in Texas, but you and I both know better than that, don’t we?

There’s no loyalty with Cowboys fans. They’ll chase after any girl at the bar as long as they recently won something – a trophy, a ribbon, a game of Words with Friends, a chili cook-off, it doesn’t matter. While we were slogging through the Bubby Brister Era, admirably, and to little fanfare, Dallas fans were shopping at Marshalls; getting fitted for their Cowboys Starter jackets.

“I don’t know … what do you think, mom? Should I go up a size?”

Nobody cares about your Starter jacket, Todd.

Consider this a public service announcement, ladies. Sure, we Eagles fans have lousy facial hair, and, yeah, you have to look past the neck beards, but we’re loyal to a fault. We’re like dating a golden retriever. Besides, what’s a little neck hair between lovers? According to Match.com, 98% of marriages that involve a Cowboys fan end in divorce. The other 2% just haven’t found their spouse’s Ashley Madison profile yet. You’re better off dating a Penguins fan you met on Craigslist.

So how do Cowboys fans join the dark side? Let’s myth bust a few common reasons.

  1. “I have family in Texas.”

No, you don’t. You have family in Altoona. There’s a difference.

  1. “I like the star.”

Then become an astronomer.

  1. “They’re America’s Team.”

America has thirty-two teams.

  1. “My dad was a Cowboys fan.”

Your dad was a bandwagoner. And probably a lousy father, too.

  1. “My mom worked with a guy whose second cousin grew up in the same neighborhood as Roger Staubach.”

Makes sense.

Now, who would you rather bring home to mom and dad?

“Hi, Dad. I want you to meet Todd. He works for Big Oil and never calls his grandma. He is a huge Cowboys fan. He fell in love with the Cowboys star growing up. Here, Todd, let me take your Starter jacket.”

Or …

“Hi, Mom. I want you to meet Frank. He’s a veterinarian, and works with the Big Brother Program on weekends. He is a huge Eagles fan. Here, Frank, let me take your sweet Jerome Brown road jersey.”

Oh, I don’t know. Call me old-fashioned, but this seems like an easy choice.

Someone I follow recently retweeted a Cowboys fan on twitter. The Cowboys fan asked, “Since when do people have to like the teams in the city where they grew up?” This gentleman is from Bucks County.

But, you know, he’s right. People can cheer for whatever team they’d like. Our friend from Bucks County is certainly welcome to head to The Linc on Sunday and wear his Dez Bryant jersey with pride. And then he’s more than welcome to head back to the sports complex two weeks later, when his Heat play the Sixers.

He has an aunt in Boca Raton, so it’s cool.

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Nerlens Noel to get one-on-one experience while Sixers on road

Nerlens Noel to get one-on-one experience while Sixers on road

Being immersed in the team is important for Nerlens Noel, and so is continuing his rehab. 

While the Sixers are on the road for three days to play the Grizzlies and Pelicans, Noel will remain in Philadelphia to work out at the training complex in Camden, New Jersey. The team is not scheduled to practice in between games, so staying back allows Noel another day to get on the court.

“[I want him to] just start playing more and have a ball in his hands, get hit, physical, feel people, play one-on-one,” head coach Brett Brown said.

Noel has yet to play this season because of elective arthroscopic left knee surgery in October. He rejoined the Sixers after completing the first phase of his rehab in Birmingham, Alabama. There still is no timetable for his return. 

Brown has said there is a “classroom” element to Noel’s return. He has to learn a roster with new players and schemes. 

The on-the-court side of it is a reacclimation to the intensity of the league. Regardless of how many games Noel already has played in the NBA, there is an adjustment period getting back into the grind of the competition. Brown believes the time in the gym this week will help Noel prepare for the level of intensity he will face in his return. 

“It’s such fool’s gold to think somebody’s going to jump back into NBA basketball after you haven’t played for so long. I don’t care how athletic he is,” Brown said. “It’s a man’s world, this league, and there’s a physicality and there’s a real-time reaction you have to have to play in the game. You can’t make that up in practice, you can’t make that up playing one-on-one, but you can better position him instead of just going out to get shots. I want him to feel a body, get hit, hit back, play one-on-one, those types of things.”

Noel had been assigned to the Sixers’ Development League affiliate, the Delaware 87ers, to get in practice time when the Sixers had a game. The Sixers may forego another assignment and keep Noel at their facility as the Sevens also have two games in the next three days. 

Joel Embiid finally struggles in Sixers' loss to Nuggets

Joel Embiid finally struggles in Sixers' loss to Nuggets

BOX SCORE

Joel Embiid has been making the NBA look easy. Rookie of the Month honors, five double-doubles in 13 games, seven performances of 20 points or more … all having missed the last two years rehabbing from foot injuries.

Embiid, though, still is a player learning the league. Night’s like Monday’s lackluster showing are going to happen, even if it seemed unexpected against the struggling Denver Nuggets. 

“We’ve been used to seeing Jo have superhuman nights,” Brett Brown said after the Sixers’ 106-98 loss (see Instant Replay). “I thought Joel was down tonight.” 

Embiid tallied a total 16 points (5 for 15 from the field, 1 for 3 from three, 5 for 6 from the line) with four rebounds, one assist, a career-high five blocks, three turnovers and three fouls in 25:32. 

He had a quiet first half with six points (2 for 5 from the field) and one rebound in 9:21. The biggest struggle came in the third quarter. Embiid scored a single point off a free throw and shot 0 for 6 from the floor. By the end of three, he was shooting 18.2 percent. 

The big man said he needed to be better at passing out of the double team. He committed two turnovers in the third. 

“I wasn’t getting to my spot and I wasn’t getting what I’m used to getting,” Embiid said of the first three quarters. “I’m going to go back and watch the tape and see what I did wrong.” 

Embiid bounced back for another Embiid-like offensive effort in the fourth. He dropped nine points off an efficient 3 for 4 shooting in 7:31. Still, it wasn’t enough. 

“I made a couple shots,” Embiid said. “It didn’t help us win, so I don’t think it matters.”

Brown noticed Embiid rushing his game. He also thought Embiid’s balance was off, something the big man has been dealing with all season as he continues to find his legs. 

Embiid will not play in Tuesday's game against the Grizzlies. It is part of his workload management in which he does not play both games of a back-to-back. Expect him to hone in on game film until his next matchup, and get back on the roller coaster that can be a first year in the NBA. 

“It's just part of a young man's growth,” Brown said. “It just happens. I don't think we need to read too deeply into it. I think, in many ways, to expect from time to time not as good of a performance as we have been used to is fair enough.”