Washington reverses course, Dak just wants to be Carson, and OBJ is getting knocked out by kicking equipment. The Eagles sit atop the NFC East heading into the bye week; let’s see if any of the objects in the rearview mirror are closer than they appear.
What Happened: Jay Gruden’s squad took a defibrillator to their season, coming back from a 21-to-9 deficit to beat the Giants in New York by a final score of 29-27.
The game was billed as a rematch between Josh Norman and Odell Beckham Jr., who went WWE on each other in last season’s Giants-Panthers match. And yet, to the surprise of no one, the two didn’t end up lighting each other on fire on the 50-yard line. Shocker, really, I know. Apparently, the refs didn’t even let them bring their flame-throwers in the building.
It was an odd game, featuring 19 penalties, 7 field goals, and zero Kirk Cousins interceptions. Perhaps not coincidentally, Washington found success offensively when they took the ball out of Cousins’ hands; their final drive for the go-ahead score featured eight running plays. This may be a sign of things to come, as Washington’s offense had been ridiculously pass-focused the previous 11 quarters this season.
The most impressive player on Washington’s roster, meanwhile, was kicker Dustin Hopkins, who went 5-for-5 on field goals for the day. There’s only so much excitement a fanbase can get when the best player is the kicker. Like finding out your favorite bar started serving hot cocoa. Neat!
What It Means: The lungs may be pumping, but the body may be lost. The victory in New Jersey came at a significant cost for Washington; DeAngelo Hall suffered his annual season-ending injury, the offensive line needed three back-ups on the final drive, and so many guys in the D.C. secondary went down that safety Will Blackmon had to finish the game playing the slot.
And if you think this team is just starting to come together, think again. Chris Baker (he of Nick Foles crushing fame) was seen yelling at his defensive coordinator. Vernon Davis (who is, yes, still playing football) was making play-call requests like he was talking to the DJ at a bar-mitzvah. And Hall, who is likely out for the season, had to call a players-only meeting before the game even started. This team has more cracks in it than SpaceX’s recycled rockets.
(Side bar: who has the money to send themselves into space, but then opts for the discounted spaceship? It’s gotta be Dan Snyder, right?)
What’s Next: The Cleveland Browns at home, so okay, yes, Washington should be able to get back to .500 next week. But if (when) they do, let’s not completely forget that they only won this game because of gross incompetence on the Giants end: a turnaround in Washington is about as likely as global warming being caused by zebra farts. It’s so unlikely, it’s not even worth exploring. Also, it’s gross.
New York Giants
What Happened: The Giants fell into old habits, choking away a fourth quarter lead like this was 2015. The loss was assisted by 11 penalties (5 personal fouls) for 128 yards and 3 turnovers (including, as it always seems to, a pair of Eli Manning interceptions in the fourth quarter). It was the kind of totally-dysfunctional defeat that makes you wanna fire the head coach and hire a disciplinarian like Tom Coughlin.
OBJ was statistically terrific (seven receptions for 121 yards), but it didn’t matter in the end. He is now the fastest player to 3,000 yards receiving, which he did in an impressive 30 games. The Giants, meanwhile, are 12-18 in those 30 games, which gives him a lower winning percentage than Kevin Kolb. Or Brett Myers. Or Mo Cheeks, as a coach!
Looking for positive news? Slot receiver Sterling Shepard looks legit. The rookie wide-out had five catches for 73 yards, including an impressive touchdown across the middle. His continued development will likely result in Victor Cruz’s home eventually being up for sale.
Oh, and lastly, if you had predicted that Giants center Weston Richburg would become the first player ejected for two unsportsmanlike conduct penalties, please DM me your lottery numbers immediately.
What It Means: New York is now 2-1, but it’ll feel about as bad as 2-1 can feel. Like throwing up on the beach; it’s not ideal but could certainly be a lot worse.
But like throwing up on the beach, things could get really bad, really quickly, depending on what happens next. Big Blue let a very winnable game slip through their fingers, and lost it in a fashion that will have pundits comparing this squad to the one from last year. THAT team made a fourth-quarter lead feel about as safe as Tesla’s auto-pilot. The Giants need to do everything in their power not to be THAT team.
Beckham, meanwhile, continues his quest to become the most dislikable receiver in the NFC East (an award Dez Bryant has held tighter than he holds touchdown passes). The guy had the audacity to question why the refs gave him a warning before the game about fighting. That’s like a puppy getting upset you covered the living room floor in newspaper. You think we’re gonna just let you come in here and pee everywhere again? Fool me once, pup.
Even the equipment thinks this guy’s a jerk, a fact proven by this video of Beckham getting smacked in the face with a kicking net. PUT HIM IN THE CONCUSSION PROTOCOL, ROGER!
What’s Next: Monday Night Football against the Sam Bradford-led Minnesota Vikings. The Giants will likely be underdogs heading out to Minnesota, which is an odd thing to say about any team going up against Bradford.
What Happened: Remember a week ago when the Birds made mincemeat out of the Bears on Monday Night Football? That’s essentially what the Cowboys did Sunday night to Chicago. Ezekiel Elliot had his biggest game so far, getting over a hundred yards rushing for the first time in his young career, and Dak Prescott threw his first touchdown pass, to Dez Bryant. Dallas led 24-7 at halftime and walked out with a 31-17 victory that didn’t even feel that close.
Like fellow rookie Carson Wentz, Prescott has yet to throw an interception. And like Wentz, Prescott found beating the Bears an easy task. Their stats are freakishly similar, actually: Wentz has thrown 66 completions, completing 64.7%, for 769 yards. Prescott has also thrown 66 completions, completing 66.7%, for 767 yards. It makes the match-up between Dallas and Philly on October 30th all the more intriguing… assuming Prescott isn’t benched for 52-year-old Tony Romo by then.
In other news, Bryant appeared to injure his knee at one point, but returned, and that was about as much drama as Dallas faced on Sunday. Yawn.
What It Means: Every win in the NFL is a tough-win, the other team gets paid too, blah-blah-blah. The Cowboys swam in the Eagles wake on this one. Chicago was coming off a humiliating Monday night whipping, traveling to Dallas on a short week, and playing without their starting quarterback (a detriment no matter how uninspiring as that QB may be). Let’s not confuse the Cowboys opponent with the ‘85 Bears… or even the ‘05 version.
Sure, Dallas has now doubled the number of Romo-less victories they had last season. Sure, they’ll feel better at 2-1 than the Giants probably do. But anyone who had held out doubts about the Iggles after Week 2 needs to allocate those same doubts for ‘dem Boys.
Meanwhile, the better Prescott plays, the more controversy Romo’s return will eventually stir-up. Playing your back-up quarterback should be like visiting the dentist; it’s great when everything goes well, but if you’re already thinking of going back right when you leave, something probably went wrong.
What’s Next: Chip Kelly! The Cowboys head out to San Francisco to face Blaine Gabbert (groan) and the 49ers who are averaging an unsurprising 26:45 in the time of possession department, which is about 26 minutes higher than expected. Why not spend your bye week being nostalgic as The Chippah runs the same four plays over and over till your head explodes?