The Evster breaks down this year's Heisman hopefuls

The Evster breaks down this year's Heisman hopefuls

Everyone loves a Heisman winner (except Rashaan Salaam, that guy sucked). And next Saturday night, another strapping, brooding, virile young man will join college football's most exclusive fraternity. Soon after, the new Heisman winner will have his oil-painted portrait hung up alongside some of the finest competitors to ever play the game: like Nile Kinnick, the Iowa Hawkeyes running back who in 1939 rushed for three touchdowns after getting kicked in the brain. Then there was Notre Dame's Leon Hart, who in 1940 entered Heisman lore after he broke a guy's brain. And who can forget Gino Torretta, the Miami gunslinger who had quite possibly the cutest hairy belly button known to man.

Now just like you, I spent most of my Saturday afternoons this football season asleep on my couch. But unlike you, I am responsible for delivering a sports column to my MANIACAL DICTATOR BOSS editor Enrico every Thursday night. So when Enrico emailed me Thursday morning suggesting I ditch my "Top 10 Kurt Nimphius-inspired NBA Hairdos" post in favor of one focused on college football, I had no choice but to comply jumped at the opportunity.

Do I consider myself a college football expert? Sure. Did I write this while watching THE SOUND OF MUSIC LIVE TELEVISION EXTRAVAGANZA? Absolutely. Is there anything more annoying than when someone asks and answers their own questions? Yes, The Sound of Music live television extravaganza. There's so much singing!

Okay, enough about the Sound of Muse, let's take a look at this year's Heisman hopefuls.

But one more thing about the Sound of Muse ... how dope is that do-re-mi song?!?!

Jameis Winston, QB, Florida State

Key stats - 3,490 passing yds, 35 td, ZERO charges of sexual assault

Provided he does not kill a prostitute between now and next Saturday, Winston is a lock to win the award. The guy has been incredible, his team is ranked #1, plus Jameis has both a hilarious first AND last name. (I once knew a dog named Winston. He used to sleep in the dryer!) JW is the total package. An absolute stud. I have never, ever seen him play football.

Fun Fact: Jameis also plays baseball for Florida State and was drafted last year by the Texas Rangers. Granted everyone already pretty much knew that, so that kinda negates it from being a fun fact ... but still. He's also dating Carrie Underwood (not true).

Jordan Lynch, QB, Northern Illinois

Key stats - Passing: 2,457 yds, 22 td, 5 int ... Rushing: 1,755 yds, 20 td, 7.1 ypc ... Bowling: recently rolled a 211!

Northern Illinois? There is no way that Northern Illinois is a real place. I have been on this earth for 36 years and I have never, EVER, seen one Girl Gone Wild who went to Northern Illinois. But Wikipedia claims it's a place, so I guess it's a place.

Lynch has been tearing it up at NIU, a dual threat whose rushing numbers might be even more impressive than his passing stats. His team is also undefeated going into the final week, and with a win against the mighty BOWLING GREEN GREEN BOWLERS this Friday night, they might even sneak into a BCS bowl game. Not to mention the guy can roll!

Now I'm not saying that 211 is the most impressive score of all time -- it's a good score, don't get me wrong, it's a great score -- but it's the fact that he was so nonchalant in the way he tweeted about it. No punctuation. No emoticons. Just a decent start to a typical Tuesday evening that most likely ended with him snorkeling in a freshman's underwear. Very similar to my night last Tuesday, when I ended up sleeping on the couch because my wife claimed I was snoring out of my own butt.

Fun Fact: Lynch went to Mount Carmel High in Chicago, the same high school as DONOVAN MCNABBERS!!! Other Mount Carmel grads include: Chris Chelios, Antoine Walker and two-time Tony Award winner, Daniel Sunjata! (never heard of him)

Michael Carter-Williams, PG, Philadelphia 76ers

Key stats - 17.7 ppg, 7.3 asst, 5.8 reb, 3.1 stl

He good!

Fun Fact: Coming up with "Fun Facts" is probably the lamest thing that has ever been done on this website.

That Guy Who Returned That Kick in the Iron Bowl, CB, Auburn

Key stats - One bonkers touchdown that made me fill my pants with shit.

The best play in the history of college football. Period. Actually, that might not be true. That Cal-Stanford "the band is on the field!" play was probably better. But this is second. Although I always liked that Desmond Howard 4th and 1 diving in the corner of the end zone jawn against Notre Dame, too. So maybe this is third. Then again there's always a play every year where some guy jumps over a whole guy and kicks someone in the brain, so this is probably like the 14th or 15th best play in college football history. But still ... incredible.

[Enrico says: FLUTIE!]

It was the kind of play you'll tell you're grandchildren about, or if you're like me and are unable to have an erection and make love to your wife, the kind of play you'll tell someone else's grandchildren about. I'll always remember where I was when it happened: at my in-law's house in upstate New York, a house that does not have a working television. You see, my wife's father recently got remarried to a Rabbi (I know!) and the Rabbi is one of those people who prefers to have conversations and eat granola instead of watching television. (I KNOW AGAIN!) And let me just clarify, when I say she's a rabbi, that doesn't mean she's one of those dudes who has a long beard and smells like yogurt, she's actually a very nice human being who plays the guitar and walks around barefoot and is very down-to-earth and understanding. But she also chooses to live in a house without a television which is just WEIRD. I mean, wasn't she even the least bit curious about the latest LIVE TELEVISION EXTRAVAGANZA???

So as I sat in her living room listening to people TALK AND TALK AND GOOD GOD WHEN WILL IT END, I was also secretly checking the score on my phone. As the fourth quarter approached, I started periodically excusing myself, pretending to have a severe case of EAS (Exploding Ass Syndrome) so I could go to the bathroom and watch the game buffering on my phone.

The 99yd touchdown pass was one thing. And the triple option 50-yarder was another. Then came the back-to-back fourth down stops, and the blocked kick, so by the time the last field goal attempt was being teed up, I had been screaming so loudly that everyone in the house thought I had to go to the emergency room.

My Wife: Are you okay in there, Ev?

Yep!

My Wife: You keep screaming.

Not screaming. Not screaming at all!

My Wife: Like, right there, you're screaming. Don't strain.

This is really something!

My Wife: I'm sure it is. I am sure it is. Do you need more toilet pa--

OH MY GAWD!

My Wife: What?! What is happening?!

HE'S GONNA DO IT!

My Wife: What is he doing?! Who is he?!

HE'S GONNAAAAAA DOOOOOO ITTTTTTTT!

My Wife: WHY IS HE IN THERE???

OMGGGGGGGGGGGG!

My Wife: GET HIM OUTTA THERE!!!! RABBIIIIII!!!!

Fun Fact: Below is a (semi-interesting) video of the kick return recreated on Tecmo Bowl. It's almost worth watching.

Andre Williams, RB, Boston College

Key stats - Rushing: 2,102 yds, 17 td, 6.4 ypc ... Receiving: NADA, NUTHIN, NOT ONE STINKIN' RECEPTION

Andre Willy is an absolute beast. He came out of nowhere this year to rush for over TWO THOUSAND yards, but also happens to attend the same school that Enrico went to, so he is officially a MAJOR DORK.

Look at this tweet he sent out earlier this season:

Ughghhghghhh. Shut up. No one cares about intelligent dinner conversations. Except for my Rabbi/Step-Mother-In-Law (who happens to be a very nice person!).

Fun Fact: Doug Flutie can suck my butt!

AJ McCarron, QB, Alabama

Key stats - Passing: 2,676 yds, 26 td, 5 int, 1 really really really hot girlfriend

AJ McCarron has done it. The man has really done it. He's done everything anyone would ever want to do in this world. And I don't mean the back-to-back titles or the upcoming NFL contract, I mean the fact that he has a super-duper-glooper-hot girlfriend. What else in life really matters?

Okay, maybe decent service at Cracker Barrel also matters, but let's talk about more important issues.

Even though AJ has been dating a totally bing-bong-don't-stop-get-it-get-it girl for the last two years, isn't it time for him to cash her in for something different? Not necessarily something better, but a little variety? It's not like Matt Leinart won the Heisman and then stuck with whatever ridiculous chick he was dating at the time. He lived it up as a bachelor and starting goin out with celebrities, porn stars and Playboy Bunns. I'm guessing he also got it on with older chicks, younger chicks, dudes?, whomever. And good for him. Good for him! I would much rather look back on my life knowing that I lived up to my sexual potential as opposed to getting the most out of my athletic skills. Athletic ability is fleeting, sexual domination lasts FOR-EVAH.

So I think we can all agree that it's time for AJ McCarron to break up with Katherine Webb. I'm sorry Katherine, it's not you, it's me. I want to watch AJ McCarron do the diddle-dang-dang with other ladies. Could this be the first time The 700 Level was responsible for a breakup?!?!

Enrico?

Thanks, boss!

Fun Fact: Check out your boy's tattoos!

Real Gs don't cover up their belly buttons!

(I have no idea what that means.)

Follow The Evster @TVMWW.

Howard homers, embraces the moment, looks forward to final salute Sunday

Howard homers, embraces the moment, looks forward to final salute Sunday

BOX SCORE

The New York Mets and a slew of their supportive fans took over Citizens Bank Park on Sunday afternoon. The Mets posted a 5-3 win over the Phillies and streamed out of the dugout like school children at recess to celebrate clinching a National League wild-card playoff spot on the penultimate day of the season (see Instant Replay).

As the Mets players congratulated each other on the diamond, several thousand of their vocal fans cheered in the stands while Phillies fans headed to the exits longing for those days when their team used to have celebrations on the field.

There was a moment in the game, however, when it did feel like the good ol’ days at the ballpark, a moment when Ryan Howard owned the place like he used to and the Phillies fans drowned out the Mets fans with ease.

It came in the fifth inning when the Phillies were down by two runs and Howard came to the plate and turned on a pitch from Bartolo Colon and sent it into the right-field seats for a game-tying two-run home run. Phillies fans had seen Howard hit homers like this before because many of the 382 he has hit in his career have been clutch shots that have come in big moments, and though the Phillies have long been dead in the standings, this was an important game and thus a big moment because the Mets had a lot to play for and no competitor worth his salt would let another team walk on him.

The game didn’t stay tied long as reliever Patrick Schuster allowed a hit and a wild pitch in the top of the sixth before David Hernandez surrendered a two-run homer to James Loney as the Mets went up for good.

But at least Howard gave the Phillies fans in the house something to cheer about for a short while.

“It was cool,” Howard acknowledged after the game. “I was able to hit the home run, tying the game up. I tried to spoil it for them today a little bit, but they got us, and you’ve got to congratulate those guys because they scratched and clawed and did what they needed to do. That’s a good ball club.”

Howard’s home run, of course, was cool for another reason.

It might have been his last as a Phillie.

This is the veteran slugger’s final weekend with the team he helped win the 2008 World Series and a little love-in has developed between him and the fans. They gave him a standing ovation after the homer – his 25th of the season – and he responded with a curtain call.

“It was awesome,” he said. “To be able to hit the home run in the first place and then get the curtain call. To have the fans show that kind of appreciation is a great feeling.”

The Phillies will not pick up Howard’s contract option for 2017. On Sunday afternoon, he will play his final game for the Phillies. First pitch is at 3 p.m. The team will make an on-field presentation to Howard at 2:30.

Howard doesn’t know what the team has planned.

“I’m just going to show up and see what happens,” he said. “You know, I think it’ll be something cool. We’ll see what it is. Whatever it brings, I'll embrace it and take it and enjoy it."
 
Howard had spent the previous few days stiff-arming the attention that has come with his final days as a Phillie.

He put his guard down a little after Saturday’s game.

“I’m just taking the weekend as is,” he said. “I’m just trying to enjoy it, trying to embrace everything and take it as is. I’m not trying to look too much into anything. Actually, I’m just trying to go out there and win these ballgames. I mean, I’ve said it before, things will hit you when they hit you.”

The Phillies have not been to the playoffs since 2011, their last of five straight trips to the postseason. If anyone needed a reminder of what it used to look like around here, it was on the field after the game in the form of the Mets’ celebration.

Phillies manager Pete Mackanin did not watch the Mets celebrate. He’s waiting to experience a celebration of his own.

“There’s no doubt in my mind we’re going to get back where we need to be and we’re going to be one of those teams, just like the Mets are now,” Mackanin said.

Howard will turn 37 in November. He is the elder statesman on this club and he’s embraced that role in his dealings with younger players.

He used the Mets’ celebration as an opportunity to pass on some advice to the men who are his teammates for one more day.

“You never want to see somebody else celebrate on your home field, but for these young guys it's something where once you’ve seen it, you want to be those guys," Howard said. "When you see the other team out there, you want to be that guy next year. You want to be out there celebrating on your home field or somebody else's field.

“It's tough, but you take that and find a way to use that as motivation.”

North Dakota appears to be Eagles country

North Dakota appears to be Eagles country

It appears that Carson Wentz' fanbase in North Dakota is still pretty strong. Before North Dakota State’s game against Illinois State Saturday afternoon, fans were seen walking around the parking lot in Carson Wentz Eagles’ jerseys. 

Wearing Eagles gear at the tailgate was not all, however. A large group of people begun chanting “Carson” over and over to show their love and support for the Eagles quarterback. 

Wentz, along with Eagles practice squad cornerback C.J. Smith, a fellow Bison alum, showed up to North Dakota State's homecoming Saturday.

This is not the first time we have seen North Dakota State fans showing how much they adore Carson Wentz. Going back to the NFL draft, fans were seen on the red carpet wearing North Dakota State Wentz jersey’s and waving flags.

On Sept. 19, when the Eagles played the Bears, North Dakotans traveled to see Wentz play in person.

Clearly, Wentz has a lot of love from his fans back at home, but it is safe to say that Eagles fans love him just as much after he has led them to a 3-0 start.  

It doesn't hurt that Wentz' cousin, Connor, plays for North Dakota State. Connor is a redshirt junior tight end.

John Clark with Connor Wentz

A photo posted by Rob Kuestner (@rkuestner23) on