My wife institutes a staunch “NO CHIPS” policy in our household. Not because they’re bad for you, but because she can't stand my erotic mouth-breathing as I shovel them into my fat, sweaty face. Also, they’re horrible for you. That's why I keep no fewer than 47 bags in my car at all times. I also take blood pressure medication.
So considering this holiday weekend kicks off barbecue season -- and I have no idea what’s going on in the sports world -- let’s rank chips.
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Dead Last – Any chip made by Wise®
Wise is by far the shaftiest brand ever. I’m pretty sure the only place you can still find ‘em is at the Pathmark in Willingboro, New Jersey. And for good reason, too. They come in those little 25-cent bags and they're always brown and broken and now that I think about it Wise did make some pretty dope corn chips back in the day with the ridges on ‘em so I guess this list has already lost all credibility so let’s just start over, shall we.
Actually Dead Last – Any baked potato chip
I’m not saying I won’t eat ‘em. I'll definitely eat 'em. But I won't enjoy 'em.
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(Yes I will. And I'll also enjoy the explosive diarrhea that comes with 'em. That's just a bonus right thurr.)
20. Funyuns
Let’s be honest with each other, folks. Let’s be honest with each other for once in our stupid lives. Would it kill you -- just once, JUST ONCE -- to be truthful on the internet? Because Funyuns are not good. They're not. They're just not. That’s not true. They’re fine. They're perfectly fine. I honestly don’t think I’ve had a Funyun in over 30 years. I may have never had a Funyun. This is what goes for a blogpost these days?
19. Pork Rinds
Nope.
18. Sun Chips
Amazing job out of Sun Chips' packaging/marketing department to make us all believe that they won’t turn our insides into a bona fide shit cavern.
17. Party Mix
The pretzels are worthless and most people just gank all the Cheetos, but if you get on a roll there’s no better way to destroy a Sunday.
16. Lay’s Barbecue
Lay's Classic will cut the roof of your mouth Capn' Crunch style, but the bbq jawns are good enough for #16 on this list that honestly took me 35 minutes to write.
15. Rap Snacks
On this list for packaging only.
14. Andy Capp’s Hot Fries
In middle school I used to stick them up into my gums like a walrus until the pain became so severe that I'd sneeze blood.
13. Fritos
The ultimate palette cleanser.
12. Kettle Cooked whatever
Where can I buy one of these kettles to cook potatoes in? Sky Mall? They gotta have one, right? Along with a cat desk/swimming pool wine rack.
11. Tostitos with that unbelievable Salsa Con Queso stuff
A dish best served cold, right outta the fridge, smeared all over your chest.
10. Dr. Dread’s Famous Jamaican Jerk Potato Chips
I once spent five days in a hospital because I needed fluid drained from the sack of my heart.
9. Ruffles Cheddar and Sour Cream
Goes perfect with a Turkey hoag from Wawa, or a quick jolt of pure Canadian heroin.
8. Pringles (Classic)
So fun to pretend you're a frog and yoink 'em into your mouth with your tongue.
7. Herr’s Sour Cream and Onion
That shiny green packaging is unstoppable. And when you buy the family sized bag it honestly takes up like the whole backseat. I don't know why that's amazing, but it totally is and you know it.
6. Sørlands (from Norway!)
For the one person reading this who's been to Norway and had these bad boys let me know when you wanna cyber.
5. Jax
Anyone who has a problem with Jax being ranked this high can email me directly at SuckkkkkkkkMyyyyyyyButttttttt@gmail.com. Nothing dissolves in your mouth quite like Jax. It's like fondue's slutty step-cousin. Oh my God I wanna dip a Jax in fondue. Tell me you don't. TELL ME YOU DON'T.
4. Utz Salt and Vinegar
Honestly any salt and vinny can go here, I just like the green and yellow Minnesota North Stars packaging that Utz puts out there. I also knew a chick in college who would always bring her own vinegar to the dining hall and put it on everything she ate and she was seriously so weird and I tried to hook up with her once in my dorm room but I fell asleep while she was talking because she was soooooooo boring and that's a lie she was actually pretty cool and I'm scared of all women.
3. Cheetos
How good are the big nubbed, Babe Ruth baseball bat-looking Cheetos? I'm talkin' bout the Fred Flintstone jawns. If there is one person reading this that knows what I'm talking about, feel free to follow me on Twitter.
2. Doritos
My dream in life is to have my old middle school principal Mrs. Durbage slug me in the face while I eat Doritos while wearing her stockings.
1. Grandma Utz’s Handcooked Potato Chips
Legit ingredients from da back of da bag: “Handcooked. Whole Fresh Potatoes, Sliced and Cooked in Lard, with Salt Added."
Let the complaining begin.