The Evster: Chips, ranked

The Evster: Chips, ranked

My wife institutes a staunch “NO CHIPS” policy in our household. Not because they’re bad for you, but because she can't stand my erotic mouth-breathing as I shovel them into my fat, sweaty face. Also, they’re horrible for you. That's why I keep no fewer than 47 bags in my car at all times. I also take blood pressure medication.

So considering this holiday weekend kicks off barbecue season -- and I have no idea what’s going on in the sports world -- let’s rank chips.

Dead Last – Any chip made by Wise®

Wise is by far the shaftiest brand ever. I’m pretty sure the only place you can still find ‘em is at the Pathmark in Willingboro, New Jersey. And for good reason, too. They come in those little 25-cent bags and they're always brown and broken and now that I think about it Wise did make some pretty dope corn chips back in the day with the ridges on ‘em so I guess this list has already lost all credibility so let’s just start over, shall we.

Actually Dead Last – Any baked potato chip

I’m not saying I won’t eat ‘em. I'll definitely eat 'em. But I won't enjoy 'em.

(Yes I will. And I'll also enjoy the explosive diarrhea that comes with 'em. That's just a bonus right thurr.)

20. Funyuns

Let’s be honest with each other, folks. Let’s be honest with each other for once in our stupid lives. Would it kill you -- just once, JUST ONCE -- to be truthful on the internet? Because Funyuns are not good. They're not. They're just not. That’s not true. They’re fine. They're perfectly fine. I honestly don’t think I’ve had a Funyun in over 30 years. I may have never had a Funyun. This is what goes for a blogpost these days?

19. Pork Rinds


18. Sun Chips

Amazing job out of Sun Chips' packaging/marketing department to make us all believe that they won’t turn our insides into a bona fide shit cavern.

17. Party Mix

The pretzels are worthless and most people just gank all the Cheetos, but if you get on a roll there’s no better way to destroy a Sunday.

16. Lay’s Barbecue

Lay's Classic will cut the roof of your mouth Capn' Crunch style, but the bbq jawns are good enough for #16 on this list that honestly took me 35 minutes to write.

15. Rap Snacks

On this list for packaging only.

14. Andy Capp’s Hot Fries

In middle school I used to stick them up into my gums like a walrus until the pain became so severe that I'd sneeze blood.

13. Fritos

The ultimate palette cleanser.

12. Kettle Cooked whatever

Where can I buy one of these kettles to cook potatoes in? Sky Mall? They gotta have one, right? Along with a cat desk/swimming pool wine rack.

11. Tostitos with that unbelievable Salsa Con Queso stuff 

A dish best served cold, right outta the fridge, smeared all over your chest.

10. Dr. Dread’s Famous Jamaican Jerk Potato Chips

I once spent five days in a hospital because I needed fluid drained from the sack of my heart.

9. Ruffles Cheddar and Sour Cream

Goes perfect with a Turkey hoag from Wawa, or a quick jolt of pure Canadian heroin.

8. Pringles (Classic)

So fun to pretend you're a frog and yoink 'em into your mouth with your tongue.

7. Herr’s Sour Cream and Onion

That shiny green packaging is unstoppable. And when you buy the family sized bag it honestly takes up like the whole backseat. I don't know why that's amazing, but it totally is and you know it.

6. Sørlands (from Norway!)

For the one person reading this who's been to Norway and had these bad boys let me know when you wanna cyber.

5. Jax

Anyone who has a problem with Jax being ranked this high can email me directly at Nothing dissolves in your mouth quite like Jax. It's like fondue's slutty step-cousin. Oh my God I wanna dip a Jax in fondue. Tell me you don't. TELL ME YOU DON'T.

4. Utz Salt and Vinegar

Honestly any salt and vinny can go here, I just like the green and yellow Minnesota North Stars packaging that Utz puts out there. I also knew a chick in college who would always bring her own vinegar to the dining hall and put it on everything she ate and she was seriously so weird and I tried to hook up with her once in my dorm room but I fell asleep while she was talking because she was soooooooo boring and that's a lie she was actually pretty cool and I'm scared of all women.

3. Cheetos

How good are the big nubbed, Babe Ruth baseball bat-looking Cheetos? I'm talkin' bout the Fred Flintstone jawns. If there is one person reading this that knows what I'm talking about, feel free to follow me on Twitter.

2. Doritos

My dream in life is to have my old middle school principal Mrs. Durbage slug me in the face while I eat Doritos while wearing her stockings.

1. Grandma Utz’s Handcooked Potato Chips

Legit ingredients from da back of da bag: “Handcooked. Whole Fresh Potatoes, Sliced and Cooked in Lard, with Salt Added."

Let the complaining begin.

Report: Sixers have shown interest in Timberwolves PG Tyus Jones

Report: Sixers have shown interest in Timberwolves PG Tyus Jones

With Ben Simmons and Jerryd Bayless hurt, the Sixers are still lacking a distributor, and so it makes sense that they've been in contact with the point guard-rich Timberwolves.

According to Adrian Wojnarowski of The Vertical, the Sixers and New Orleans Pelicans have shown interest in T'wolves backup point guard Tyus Jones. 

With fifth overall pick Kris Dunn and Ricky Rubio, Minnesota is set at PG. Jones, 20, is third on the totem pole a year after being drafted 24th overall. 

According to Wojnarowski, the Timberwolves are more inclined to trade Jones than Rubio. 

Jones has a connection to the Sixers in Jahlil Okafor, a former teammate at Duke. Both were one-and-dones for the 2014-15 National Championship team. Jones averaged 11.8 points, 3.5 rebounds and 5.6 assists for the Blue Devils. 

He played sparingly as a rookie last season with Minnesota (37 games), averaging 4.2 points and 2.9 assists in 15.5 minutes, but stood out this summer, winning Las Vegas Summer League MVP.

T.J. McConnell has started the majority of the preseason at point guard for the Sixers. Sergio Rodriguez got the nod in the last game against the Pistons. Brett Brown is also looking at Nik Stauskas to fill the spot in a non-traditional role.

Elton Brand announces retirement after 17 NBA seasons

Elton Brand announces retirement after 17 NBA seasons

CAMDEN, N.J. -- Elton Brand walked out to the practice court clad in a gray suit and tie. As he approached the media with his family, the Sixers' players and staff gathered to watch and, more importantly, pay their respect to the news he was about to deliver. 

“After 17 years of playing the game that I love, and it’s been great to me, I’m officially retiring,” Brand said standing next to his wife Shahara. “It’s for real this time. It was a wonderful journey.”

Brand, 37, played 17 seasons in the NBA with a career average of 15.9 points, 8.5 rebounds and 2.1 assists. A two-time All-Star, he recorded four 20-and-10 seasons. 

This summer he signed his final contract, a one-year deal with the Sixers worth $980,431. Brand announced his intention to retire on Thursday and the roster move will be officially completed at the conclusion of training camp. Brand’s retirement clears up a roster space for the Sixers. 

“Me personally, playing, being out there, the mentoring role, it was great. I enjoyed it,” Brand said. “But I really couldn’t be out there giving my all after 17 years, helping the team, being in the right place on defense, and giving the coaching staff the energy they deserve from their players. I thought it was time.”

The Bulls selected Brand with the first overall pick in the 1999 draft out of Duke, a moment he considers a highlight of his career. He played his first two seasons in Chicago, followed by seven with the Clippers. The Sixers signed Brand in July of 2008. He was a member of the team for the next four years, including two playoff runs. Brand played one more season with the Bulls, followed by two with the Hawks. 

His already-lengthy NBA career appeared to be over at the end of the 2014-15 season, but he made a surprise decision to return to the league in January of 2016 with the Sixers. He appeared in 17 games last season, averaging 4.1 points and 3.7 rebounds in 13.2 minutes. 

While Brand was needed to log time because of injuries, including 20-plus on back-to-back nights, his biggest contribution came away from the game. The young team signed Brand to serve as a mentor to players such as fellow Blue Devil Jahlil Okafor, who struggled with off-the-court issues as a rookie. Okafor developed a big-brother relationship with Brand, talking often — and rarely about basketball itself. 

Brand shared his messages of discipline and work ethic across the locker room. He stayed late after practices to work on fundamental drills with then-rookie Richaun Holmes. On game days he often could be seen dressed in a suit, a visualization of professionalism for his teammates. At the end of the season, Brand paid for the team to take a trip to Miami. 

“We felt his presence,” Okafor said. “Having another vet in there, knowing who he is, his accolades, it was a respect factor to him. Whatever he said goes. I remember hearing his voice at halftime if we were playing poor, he would let us know about it. It was good to have somebody on your team tell you you’re playing bad rather than hearing your coach’s mouth all the time.”

Brett Brown described his emotions as "sad" when Brand informed him of his decision. In less than a year of working together, Brown has learned from Brand's NBA experiences. 

"He's as elite in class as anybody I have ever coached," Brown said, adding, "He's got the ingredients that make him, I feel, highly attractable down the road. Surely he's got stuff to offer after this is all done. Compassionate, hard-working, educated, real, tough. He was a great example for our locker room."

Brand plans to spend time away from the game and has not made any decisions on his next career move. He will be accessible to the Sixers and plans to spend time around the team but not in an official role. He has had conversations with the team about possible opportunities in the future, just not right now. 

The Sixers broke out in applause at the conclusion of Brand's announcement. He didn't know they were going to be present and joked that as the "OG" of the team, he doesn't like surprises. Brand wanted a simple no-frills gathering of media, a low-key departure from the game. It was fitting for a career based on quietly putting in hard work. 

“It’s been an honor, it’s been a privilege to play this game, the game that I love, and I’m certainly going to miss it,” Brand said. “But it’s definitely time now.”