The Evster: Chips, ranked

The Evster: Chips, ranked

My wife institutes a staunch “NO CHIPS” policy in our household. Not because they’re bad for you, but because she can't stand my erotic mouth-breathing as I shovel them into my fat, sweaty face. Also, they’re horrible for you. That's why I keep no fewer than 47 bags in my car at all times. I also take blood pressure medication.

So considering this holiday weekend kicks off barbecue season -- and I have no idea what’s going on in the sports world -- let’s rank chips.

Dead Last – Any chip made by Wise®

Wise is by far the shaftiest brand ever. I’m pretty sure the only place you can still find ‘em is at the Pathmark in Willingboro, New Jersey. And for good reason, too. They come in those little 25-cent bags and they're always brown and broken and now that I think about it Wise did make some pretty dope corn chips back in the day with the ridges on ‘em so I guess this list has already lost all credibility so let’s just start over, shall we.

Actually Dead Last – Any baked potato chip

I’m not saying I won’t eat ‘em. I'll definitely eat 'em. But I won't enjoy 'em.

(Yes I will. And I'll also enjoy the explosive diarrhea that comes with 'em. That's just a bonus right thurr.)

20. Funyuns

Let’s be honest with each other, folks. Let’s be honest with each other for once in our stupid lives. Would it kill you -- just once, JUST ONCE -- to be truthful on the internet? Because Funyuns are not good. They're not. They're just not. That’s not true. They’re fine. They're perfectly fine. I honestly don’t think I’ve had a Funyun in over 30 years. I may have never had a Funyun. This is what goes for a blogpost these days?

19. Pork Rinds

Nope.

18. Sun Chips

Amazing job out of Sun Chips' packaging/marketing department to make us all believe that they won’t turn our insides into a bona fide shit cavern.

17. Party Mix

The pretzels are worthless and most people just gank all the Cheetos, but if you get on a roll there’s no better way to destroy a Sunday.

16. Lay’s Barbecue

Lay's Classic will cut the roof of your mouth Capn' Crunch style, but the bbq jawns are good enough for #16 on this list that honestly took me 35 minutes to write.

15. Rap Snacks

On this list for packaging only.

14. Andy Capp’s Hot Fries

In middle school I used to stick them up into my gums like a walrus until the pain became so severe that I'd sneeze blood.

13. Fritos

The ultimate palette cleanser.

12. Kettle Cooked whatever

Where can I buy one of these kettles to cook potatoes in? Sky Mall? They gotta have one, right? Along with a cat desk/swimming pool wine rack.

11. Tostitos with that unbelievable Salsa Con Queso stuff 

A dish best served cold, right outta the fridge, smeared all over your chest.

10. Dr. Dread’s Famous Jamaican Jerk Potato Chips

I once spent five days in a hospital because I needed fluid drained from the sack of my heart.

9. Ruffles Cheddar and Sour Cream

Goes perfect with a Turkey hoag from Wawa, or a quick jolt of pure Canadian heroin.

8. Pringles (Classic)

So fun to pretend you're a frog and yoink 'em into your mouth with your tongue.

7. Herr’s Sour Cream and Onion

That shiny green packaging is unstoppable. And when you buy the family sized bag it honestly takes up like the whole backseat. I don't know why that's amazing, but it totally is and you know it.

6. Sørlands (from Norway!)

For the one person reading this who's been to Norway and had these bad boys let me know when you wanna cyber.

5. Jax

Anyone who has a problem with Jax being ranked this high can email me directly at SuckkkkkkkkMyyyyyyyButttttttt@gmail.com. Nothing dissolves in your mouth quite like Jax. It's like fondue's slutty step-cousin. Oh my God I wanna dip a Jax in fondue. Tell me you don't. TELL ME YOU DON'T.

4. Utz Salt and Vinegar

Honestly any salt and vinny can go here, I just like the green and yellow Minnesota North Stars packaging that Utz puts out there. I also knew a chick in college who would always bring her own vinegar to the dining hall and put it on everything she ate and she was seriously so weird and I tried to hook up with her once in my dorm room but I fell asleep while she was talking because she was soooooooo boring and that's a lie she was actually pretty cool and I'm scared of all women.

3. Cheetos

How good are the big nubbed, Babe Ruth baseball bat-looking Cheetos? I'm talkin' bout the Fred Flintstone jawns. If there is one person reading this that knows what I'm talking about, feel free to follow me on Twitter.

2. Doritos

My dream in life is to have my old middle school principal Mrs. Durbage slug me in the face while I eat Doritos while wearing her stockings.

1. Grandma Utz’s Handcooked Potato Chips

Legit ingredients from da back of da bag: “Handcooked. Whole Fresh Potatoes, Sliced and Cooked in Lard, with Salt Added."

Let the complaining begin.

Best of NHL: Matt Murray, Penguins cruise past Habs

Best of NHL: Matt Murray, Penguins cruise past Habs

MONTREAL -- Eric Fehr and Jake Guentzel scored in the second period to lead the Pittsburgh Penguins past the Montreal Canadiens 4-1 on Wednesday night.

Defensemen Ian Cole and Olli Maatta also scored for Pittsburgh, which won its second game in a row after a three-game skid.

Sven Andrighetto scored for Montreal, which lost its second straight and has only two wins in its last six games. The Canadiens' offense remained in a rut coming off a 1-0 loss Monday in Detroit.

Penguins goalie Matt Murray was back in form after Monday's wild 8-7 win over Washington, making 19 saves. But Carey Price's woes continued as Pittsburgh outshot Montreal 26-20. Price allowed three or more goals for the eighth time in 10 games (see full recap).

Red Wings' Vanek, Nielsen score in 6-5 SO win over Bruins
DETROIT -- Thomas Vanek and Frans Nielsen scored in a shootout, lifting the Detroit Red Wings to a comeback 6-5 win over the Boston Bruins on Wednesday night.

The Red Wings rallied from 3-0 and 4-1 deficits in the first period, and with 3:04 remaining in regulation, Gustav Nyquist scored to pull them into a tie.

In the shootout, Tuukka Rask and Petr Mrazek stopped the first shots they faced before Vanek scored for the Red Wings and Brad Marchand countered with a goal for the Bruins. Nielsen, who like Vanek joined the team last summer as a free agent, scored on the team's third attempt and Vatrano missed the net with a chance to extend the 1-on-1 duels.

The Bruins were dominant early before blowing a chance to keep Detroit at a distance in the Atlantic Division standings (see full recap).

Burns, Pavelski lead Sharks past rival LA Kings, 3-2
LOS ANGELES -- Brent Burns, Joe Pavelski and Tommy Wingels scored in the San Jose Sharks' seventh win at Staples Center in their last eight trips, 3-2 over the Los Angeles Kings on Wednesday night.

Joe Thornton had two assists and Martin Jones made 22 saves for the defending Western Conference champion Sharks, who wrapped up their regular-season series against their biggest rivals with three victories in five games.

After Burns scored his 19th goal in the opening minutes, San Jose hung on through a scoreless third period to continue its recent domination in downtown Los Angeles, including three victories in last season's first-round playoff series.

Tanner Pearson and Marian Gaborik scored for the Kings, who ended a seven-game homestand with four defeats (see full recap).

McDavid scores in overtime to lead Oilers past Panthers 4-3
EDMONTON, Alberta -- Connor McDavid scored the winning goal in overtime as the Edmonton Oilers won their fourth game in a row, 4-3 over the Florida Panthers on Wednesday night.

McDavid, who also had two assists in the game, got a breakaway late in overtime and got the puck away with 2.6 seconds left. Florida's James Reimer made the glove save, but the puck was ruled to be across the line via video review.

Zack Kassian, Mark Letestu and Jordan Eberle also scored for the Oilers, who have their longest winning streak since December 2015.

Vincent Trocheck, Michael Sgarbossa and Greg McKegg had goals for the Panthers, who have lost two straight (see full recap).

Joel Embiid, Sixers prove plenty with benchmark win over Raptors

Joel Embiid, Sixers prove plenty with benchmark win over Raptors

BOX SCORE

The Sixers weren’t supposed to beat the Raptors, were they? This was going to be an “easy” game for the visiting team, which was coming to Philadelphia on a back-to-back that started in Brooklyn. The Raptors are a playoff team, and second in the Eastern Conference at that. Not to mention, they had defeated the Sixers in their last 14 meetings.

Maybe easy would have been the case the last time the two teams played back in mid-December. For the Sixers, though, things have changed since then and a 94-89 win over the Raptors on Wednesday proved this recent success is not fleeting (see Instant Replay).

“I don’t think it’s a fluke,” Joel Embiid said. “We’re competing. We’re winning games. We’re playing great defense. We finally found what we’ve been looking for.”

The Sixers had been missing clearly-defined roles and a defensive identity (see story). Now that Brett Brown has whittled down his roster to 10 players and laid out a starting five and second unit, the team has been gelling in those two aspects. The Sixers have won seven out of their last nine games, with the Raptors being the highest caliber of competition.

The Raptors entered the game averaging 111.5 points per game, first in the East and third in the NBA behind only the Warriors and Rockets. They had scored less than 100 points in just seven games this season. Additionally, the Raptors had been held to under 90 points by a single opponent: the Spurs. Not bad company to be in. 

Embiid led all players with 26 points (including 12 for 14 from the free throw line) to go with nine rebounds (see highlights). The Sixers staved off 25 points (11 for 21 from the field), six assists and three rebounds from DeMar DeRozan and 24 points (11 for 16 from the line), four rebounds, four assists and five steals from Kyle Lowry, who fouled out. The Raptors shot 25 percent from three and 65.2 percent at the free throw line.  

“We’re playing with a spirit, we’re playing with a defensive mindset,” Brown said. “There is a belief within each other amongst the team that is the best that it’s been since I’ve been here.”

The Sixers' winning stretch began against subpar teams, opponents who earlier in the season some would look at the schedule and say, the Sixers could probably take that one, as they tried to project a batch of victories. The Sixers turned those wins over the Nuggets, Timberwolves and Nets into momentum and carried it into a matchup against the Knicks.

Even though the Knicks are looking lost this season, they still have veteran offensive firepower that can take over a game against a struggling opponent. The Sixers made noise by beating them at the buzzer, then escalated their performance against the postseason-hungry Hornets and Bucks. 

The Raptors are different, though. There is no questioning their success and potential to make a deep playoff run … again. Nonetheless, the Sixers handled this well-seasoned opponent with composure and confidence down the stretch. 

They stayed together when DeRozan hit a jumper with 1:53 to play to give the Raptors their first lead since the second quarter. The Sixers responded to the one-point deficit with a 7-0 run to push the edge up to six points with 20.7 seconds to go.

“I think it says we’re for real. It shows our consistency that we’ve built throughout the year,” Nerlens Noel said. “We’re relentless. We have a young group of guys that know how to play the game and play it the right way and will come out there and compete against anybody in this league. I think the perception should be a whole different one now.”

The Sixers showed they can compete with top talent. Their wins aren't just coming from teams at the bottom of the standings. 

"That gives us a lot of confidence," Embiid said. "Coming into the game, we had a lot of confidence. Winning against the second-best team in the East is just amazing. We’re going to keep on working."