The Evster: Chips, ranked

The Evster: Chips, ranked

My wife institutes a staunch “NO CHIPS” policy in our household. Not because they’re bad for you, but because she can't stand my erotic mouth-breathing as I shovel them into my fat, sweaty face. Also, they’re horrible for you. That's why I keep no fewer than 47 bags in my car at all times. I also take blood pressure medication.

So considering this holiday weekend kicks off barbecue season -- and I have no idea what’s going on in the sports world -- let’s rank chips.

Dead Last – Any chip made by Wise®

Wise is by far the shaftiest brand ever. I’m pretty sure the only place you can still find ‘em is at the Pathmark in Willingboro, New Jersey. And for good reason, too. They come in those little 25-cent bags and they're always brown and broken and now that I think about it Wise did make some pretty dope corn chips back in the day with the ridges on ‘em so I guess this list has already lost all credibility so let’s just start over, shall we.

Actually Dead Last – Any baked potato chip

I’m not saying I won’t eat ‘em. I'll definitely eat 'em. But I won't enjoy 'em.

(Yes I will. And I'll also enjoy the explosive diarrhea that comes with 'em. That's just a bonus right thurr.)

20. Funyuns

Let’s be honest with each other, folks. Let’s be honest with each other for once in our stupid lives. Would it kill you -- just once, JUST ONCE -- to be truthful on the internet? Because Funyuns are not good. They're not. They're just not. That’s not true. They’re fine. They're perfectly fine. I honestly don’t think I’ve had a Funyun in over 30 years. I may have never had a Funyun. This is what goes for a blogpost these days?

19. Pork Rinds

Nope.

18. Sun Chips

Amazing job out of Sun Chips' packaging/marketing department to make us all believe that they won’t turn our insides into a bona fide shit cavern.

17. Party Mix

The pretzels are worthless and most people just gank all the Cheetos, but if you get on a roll there’s no better way to destroy a Sunday.

16. Lay’s Barbecue

Lay's Classic will cut the roof of your mouth Capn' Crunch style, but the bbq jawns are good enough for #16 on this list that honestly took me 35 minutes to write.

15. Rap Snacks

On this list for packaging only.

14. Andy Capp’s Hot Fries

In middle school I used to stick them up into my gums like a walrus until the pain became so severe that I'd sneeze blood.

13. Fritos

The ultimate palette cleanser.

12. Kettle Cooked whatever

Where can I buy one of these kettles to cook potatoes in? Sky Mall? They gotta have one, right? Along with a cat desk/swimming pool wine rack.

11. Tostitos with that unbelievable Salsa Con Queso stuff 

A dish best served cold, right outta the fridge, smeared all over your chest.

10. Dr. Dread’s Famous Jamaican Jerk Potato Chips

I once spent five days in a hospital because I needed fluid drained from the sack of my heart.

9. Ruffles Cheddar and Sour Cream

Goes perfect with a Turkey hoag from Wawa, or a quick jolt of pure Canadian heroin.

8. Pringles (Classic)

So fun to pretend you're a frog and yoink 'em into your mouth with your tongue.

7. Herr’s Sour Cream and Onion

That shiny green packaging is unstoppable. And when you buy the family sized bag it honestly takes up like the whole backseat. I don't know why that's amazing, but it totally is and you know it.

6. Sørlands (from Norway!)

For the one person reading this who's been to Norway and had these bad boys let me know when you wanna cyber.

5. Jax

Anyone who has a problem with Jax being ranked this high can email me directly at SuckkkkkkkkMyyyyyyyButttttttt@gmail.com. Nothing dissolves in your mouth quite like Jax. It's like fondue's slutty step-cousin. Oh my God I wanna dip a Jax in fondue. Tell me you don't. TELL ME YOU DON'T.

4. Utz Salt and Vinegar

Honestly any salt and vinny can go here, I just like the green and yellow Minnesota North Stars packaging that Utz puts out there. I also knew a chick in college who would always bring her own vinegar to the dining hall and put it on everything she ate and she was seriously so weird and I tried to hook up with her once in my dorm room but I fell asleep while she was talking because she was soooooooo boring and that's a lie she was actually pretty cool and I'm scared of all women.

3. Cheetos

How good are the big nubbed, Babe Ruth baseball bat-looking Cheetos? I'm talkin' bout the Fred Flintstone jawns. If there is one person reading this that knows what I'm talking about, feel free to follow me on Twitter.

2. Doritos

My dream in life is to have my old middle school principal Mrs. Durbage slug me in the face while I eat Doritos while wearing her stockings.

1. Grandma Utz’s Handcooked Potato Chips

Legit ingredients from da back of da bag: “Handcooked. Whole Fresh Potatoes, Sliced and Cooked in Lard, with Salt Added."

Let the complaining begin.

Despite blowout loss, Sixers see potential in Joel Embiid, Jahlil Okafor playing together

Despite blowout loss, Sixers see potential in Joel Embiid, Jahlil Okafor playing together

BOX SCORE

Brett Brown was ready to do it Wednesday night. The matchup against the Kings presented an opportunity to experiment with playing Joel Embiid and Jahlil Okafor together. That pairing had to wait two days, though, after the Kings game was postponed

On Friday, Embiid and Okafor shared the court for just under 13 minutes in the Sixers' 105-88 loss to the Magic (see Instant Replay), who also rolled out a duo of bigs in Bismack Biyombo and Nikola Vucevic. 

“I thought we had our moments,” Embiid said. “We shared the ball, we made shots. Obviously we need to play more together and learn how to play with each other.”

Embiid and Okafor first played together for 5:29 in the second quarter. They scored all of the Sixers' 12 points during that time, including a pair of threes by Embiid. They also combined for five boards. The Sixers outscored the Magic, 12-9, with the bigs in together.

The benefits of the floor spacing was apparent. Oftentimes in the game, Okafor could be seen open at the basket with a hand up for the ball while Embiid was also getting looks from long range. 

“I liked our spacing, I liked the high-low stuff we were doing,” Brown said. “I think when you post Joel, that Jahlil is going to play sort of hide-and-seek on the other side of the floor, and work that low zone, and become — I hope — a potent offensive rebounder. When you post Jahlil, Joel has the ability to space to three.”

Brown turned to Embiid and Okafor again in the fourth. At that point, the Magic had a 23-point lead. Their next 7:25 together was a chance to give them a long run in live game action. They combined for another 12 points and four rebounds. All of their buckets were layups, dunks or free throws. Both teams scored 19 points with Embiid and Okafor in that segment.

Both Embiid and Okafor finished the game with double-doubles: 25 points, 10 rebounds and four assists for Embiid; 16 points, 13 rebounds and two blocks for Okafor. 

“I thought they played well together,” Vucevic said. “I thought it was tough to guard them because they’re both really good offensively.”

Okafor credited his friendship with Embiid, which dates back to high school, as a key to coexisting well on the court. Both emphasized their off-the-court relationship would help them in a game situation. 

“I think the communication piece went really well,” Okafor said. “He was talking to me, I was talking to him.”

Scoring and communication always seemed to be the easier parts of the pairing to tackle. Defense, though, was the challenge given that one of the centers would have to guard the four spot. Okafor noted their transition D as an area that needs improvement.

“We’re both used to going right to the rim,” Okafor said. “I think I had a couple easy buckets. That’s something we’ll be able to fix.” 

Brown had based his decision of when to play Embiid and Okafor together on the matchups. While the two could boast their own edge on the offensive end, Brown didn’t want to play them in a scenario in which they’d be at a huge defensive disadvantage. 

“It’s not offense to me, it’s defense. That’s the thing that is most challenging,” Brown said. “We want to play fast. We want to put points on the board. You don’t want to play in the 80s. You don’t want to do that, that’s not our sport anymore. So you want to make sure that you're capable of guarding the opposition.”

Vucevic noticed the challenge from an opposing perspective. He understands the necessary changes since playing alongside Biyombo.  

“It takes time for them to get adjusted, especially for the guy that will be playing the four defensively,” Vucevic said. “They’re not used to that because they always back down to the paint guarding the fives. It’s a different look. They have to work on it, communicate, and I think they’ll be fine.” 

On a night with few highlights in a 17-point blowout loss, Brown was able to take away a positive from this anticipated duo.

"I thought Jahlil and Joel did a really good job," he said. 

Sixers Notes: Joel Embiid unhappy with effort; Robert Covington hurt

Sixers Notes: Joel Embiid unhappy with effort; Robert Covington hurt

Joel Embiid didn’t see four quarters of basketball from the Sixers in their 105-88 loss to the Magic Friday night (see Instant Replay). Their efforts were inconsistent as they fell flat in long stretches and allowed the Magic to build up double-digit leads as high as 29 points.

The Sixers gave up a 16-0 run in the first and shot just 6 for 26 (23.1 percent) in the quarter. The Magic, who had lost a one-point game to the Grizzlies in Memphis the night before, rallied together to seize this opportunity.

“They just made a lot of shots that we didn’t,” Embiid said. “That’s the game, but we didn’t play hard all 48 minutes and we need to do a better job next time.”

The Sixers didn’t break 30 points until 4:33 to go in the second and attempted just two free throws in the first half. By the end of the third, the Magic had a 21-point lead which they held on to with in ease in the fourth. 

The Magic outshot the Sixers on all areas of the floor: 47.4 percent to 37.9 from the field and 50.0 to 28.1 from three. While the teams had nearly equal percentages from the line, the Magic shot 18 for 26 compared to only 7 for 10 from the Sixers. 

“They missed a lot of shots,” Magic forward Jeff Green said. “We got stops, were aggressive, guys just played hard and created for one another and played as a team.”

Covington injured
The Sixers are waiting to learn more news on the extent of Robert Covington’s injury. In the fourth quarter, Covington exited and did not return after suffering a left knee sprain when he collided with T.J. McConnell chasing a loose ball in front of the Sixers’ bench. If the starting small forward has to miss time, Sixers head coach Brett Brown is thinking ahead to possible lineup changes. 

“We'll try to figure out what his next week represents,” Brown said. “If we aren't with him, maybe there's a chance we can look at Dario [Saric] a little bit at the three.”

Covington is averaging 8.5 points, 5.1 rebounds and 1.9 steals in 27.5 minutes per game. Saric has been coming off the bench at power forward behind Ersan Ilyasova. He started 10 games earlier this season at the four spot. 

Embiid honored
The Sixers honored Embiid during a timeout for being named NBA Eastern Conference Rookie of the Month (October and November). Embiid was appreciative of the award and has his sights set on the bigger picture this season.

“All the hard work I’ve put in, it feels great,” Embiid said earlier in the day at shootaround. “Obviously, maybe the bigger picture is Rookie of the Year, that’s what matters. … I don’t have my mind set on that. But if I can get it, that would be nice.”

Brown sees this recent showing as just a glimpse into what Embiid will be able to do over his career. Embiid leads the Sixers with 18.7 points, 7.9 rebounds and 2.2 blocks. 

“This in infant stages, early days for him,” Brown said. “His body of work, given his lack of playing basketball, really is jaw-dropping for what I think he can be. To jump in and get rookie of the month I think is a real, sort of, quick snapshot view of him now. I think what he’s going to be is going to be extremely special.”

Embiid also is shooting 51.4 percent from three, including 3 for 5 against the Magic. When asked if he would like to participate in the three-point contest All-Star weekend, he said "it would be nice" and noted he would have to work on the speed of his release.