The Evster comes up with new names and logos for the Redskins

The Evster comes up with new names and logos for the Redskins

I’m not normally the type of person who cares about stuff, but the Redskins nickname is racist as shit. It's like calling a team the Cincinnati Black People or the New York Jews. I know, I know, the name 'Redskins' has EQUITY and Native Americans aren't real, but that’s not the point, the point is that I needed something to write about this week.

So here’s some free advice for you, Dan Snyder. Instead of shelling out thousands of dollars to some fancy dancy marketing firm, check out these new names and logo treatments that I've created FREE OF CHARGE for your clammy football team.

Note from Evster’s lawyer who is real and a person: Mr. Snyder, these names and logos are NOT free. Nothing in this world is free. If you choose to go forward with any of these designs, there will be a charge. Let's start the conversation at $11, shall we?

Ideally when rebranding a franchise, your team name should be intimidating (JAG-OO-UARS) while also giving a nod to the city they’re from (Jacksonville starts with a J!). This is not necessary, but it certainly adds some nice value. It’s not like there are lions roaming around downtown Detroit, but I do appreciate the cleverness of the New England Patriots, Baltimore Ravens, and Saskatchewan Hairy Mole Women.

So let's check out some new names for da Skins.

Washington Mega Ram Jam Ram Jammers

It is a fact, a medical fact, that nothing is cooler than ramming a basketball down a white person’s throat. Imagine a football team whose entire image was built on just that. I know, we’re mixing up sports, but look at how cute that guy is hanging on the rim up there. He has a flat top! If you’re still not convinced that this is the most awesome idea, watch this  video of all 57 of Gerald Green’s rams from this past NBA season. There's so many rams!

For the record, Gerald Green is not actually from D.C. but if you told me he was I'd totally believe you.

Washington Flarfs

It’s 2014, no one cares about making sense anymore. I talked to a guy in line at Wendy's the other day who told me that if they serve you french fries that aren't hot, just ask for a new pack o' gizzlers. No idea what he was talking about. Absolutely no idea. And yet I consider him to be a very dear friend.

Are you telling me you wouldn't wear a "WASHINGTON FLARFS" hooded sweatshirt? I'd pay big bucks ($3) to hear Gus Johnson announcing a game and screaming about how the Flarfs were just flarfing all over the place. I sort of feel like this article should just end now -- I mean we're not gonna do better than the Flarfs -- but I did spend a bunch of time flarfing out some new logos, so let's just flarf on.

Washington Kathie Lee Giffords

I can't think of a more terrifying image than lining up against 11 Kathie Lee Giffords. Now I know that if you change your team name to the Kathie Lee Giffords, you don't actually get to sign 45 Kathie Lee Giffords, but a man can dream.

The D.C. connection here is obviously people constantly talking about bullshit and never shutting up and no I'm not from D.C. please don't be rude.

Washington Potato Skins

It's like Redskins, but with potatoes! Notice too how there are laces on the outside of this potato skin to make it look like a pigskin. Also, the potato skin sort of looks like a stadium. Also it's a potato skin.

Washington Dentists

Nothing, and I mean nothing, is more terrifying than going to the dentist. The scraping, the x-rays, the hygienists berating you for not flossing enough. Well, here's a football team that will be just as intimidating. Plus, great opportunity to dress up your cheerleaders as hot hygienists. Although I gotta be honest, I have never, EVER, had a hot hygienist. I feel like it's a total myth. Every one of my hygienists has been from Broomall. That being said, there are few better feelings in this world than walking out of that office carrying that little plastic bag with a new toothbrush and floss. Struttin' like the goddamn King of Westeros.

By the way, how is it that in this day of modern medicine, we can attach a guy's butt to his foot but we still remove plaque with a metal hook.

Washington People Who Graduated from the University of Maryland with a Communications Degree

Ugh, no one is worse than Maryland grads. From that stupid state flag to their love of Lonny Baxter, nothing about these people is interesting. Then again, I do know a guy who once barfed on a dog there, so I guess that's pretty cool.

Washington Belt Waze

It's a belt but also a beltway and a football stadium and I spelled "ways" with a "z" and I really do get paid money to write these things.

Washington Red Skinny Jeans

Good night, everybody.

Follow the Evster @TVMWW.

Vince Velasquez feels the heat in Phillies' Sunday loss to Pirates

Vince Velasquez feels the heat in Phillies' Sunday loss to Pirates

BOX SCORE

PITTSBURGH --- Vince Velasquez wasn’t able to stand the heat Sunday afternoon.

The game-time temperature was 89 degrees with humidity to match at PNC Park. The Phillies' right-hander admitted he didn’t handle the weather well.

"You're going to go through various conditions, and it's something that you've got to really take into consideration -- to really lock in, stay hydrated because it can mentally drain you,” Velasquez said. “It kind of took a toll on me but I have to make the best of what I've got.”

Velasquez wound up pitching six innings in the blistering heat but did not factor in the decision as the Pittsburgh Pirates beat the Phillies 5-4 on pinch-hitter Adam Frazier’s leadoff home run in the seventh inning, his first in the major leagues, off fellow rookie Edubray Ramos (see Instant Replay).

Velasquez had his worst of his five starts since coming off the disabled list June 26, allowing four runs and seven hits while walking four and striking out five. He threw 107 pitches, 64 for strikes.

In his first four outings after begin activated, he was 3-0 with a 1.88 ERA to raise his record to 8-2.

“Just looking at his body language, he showed that he was struggling to find the strike zone,” Phillies manager Pete Mackanin said. “He didn't have his best location. He did a good job; he just made a couple bad pitches when they scored the two runs. Obviously, he wasn't at his best, but he kept us in the game.”

While that kind of outing can breed confidence in a 24-year-old pitcher, Velasquez took no consolation in it. He was bothered about not being able to hold a 4-2 lead in the bottom of the sixth inning, giving up a tying two-run home run to Matt Joyce.

“I knew it was my last inning when I went out there and I have to be able to close it out there,” Velasquez said. “I’m disappointed in that. I need to be better in that situation.”

Joyce’s blast came on pitch after Starling Marte doubled on an 0-2 pitch. That, too, annoyed Velasquez.

“That's just a matter of finishing at-bats,” Velasquez said. “You've got to lock in on 0-2 counts when you're ahead. You've got to finish the at-bat. Knowing that that was my last inning, that's where you have to bear down and give it all you've got.”

Ramos then gave up the game-winning homer to Frazier an inning later, the first long ball given up by the 23-year-old right-hander in 14 career outings. The Phillies wound up losing two of three games in the series and are 3-7 since the All-Star break to drop to 10 games under .500 at 45-55 through 100 games.

“It’s a game we should have won but I put us in position to lose it,” Velasquez said.

Dallas Cowboys bus involved in fatal crash in Arizona

Dallas Cowboys bus involved in fatal crash in Arizona

KINGMAN, Ariz. -- Four people were killed Sunday when bus carrying Dallas Cowboys staffers but no players collided with a van on a northwestern Arizona highway.

The fatalities were passengers in the van, Arizona Department of Public Safety spokesman Quentin Mehr said. But the bus occupants emerged uninjured.

"All on the bus came through OK with some bumps and bruises," Cowboys spokesman Rich Dalrymple (DAHL'-rimp-ul) said in an email.

Dalrymple said the bus was only carrying members of the franchise's staff but would not say how many. There were no players on board.

The two vehicles collided in the afternoon on U.S. 93, about 30 miles north of the city of Kingman, according to DPS.

The crash shut down at least one lane of the highway that serves as the main route between Phoenix and Las Vegas.

The bus was on its way to a Dallas Cowboys fan event in Las Vegas. Charles Cooper, manager of GameWorks entertainment center in Vegas, said the session with 50 to 75 fans was scheduled for 3 p.m. PDT. People were already waiting when the president of a Las Vegas Cowboys fan club called to relay news of the accident. The event was subsequently canceled. Cooper says the team mascot was supposed to appear.

After the Las Vegas stop, the bus was scheduled to go on to Oxnard, California for the team's training camp. Members of the organization typically take a bus two weeks before the camp starts and make stops along the way.

Report: Phillies preparing for possible Jeremy Hellickson trade to Marlins

Report: Phillies preparing for possible Jeremy Hellickson trade to Marlins

Jeremy Hellickson may be staying in the NL East past the trade deadline. 

Ken Rosenthal of Fox Sports reported that the Phillies are scouting the Marlins' minor league teams in advance of a possible Hellickson deal. 

This comes on the heels of a report from a radio host in Miami that Marlins starter Wei-Yin Chen may need Tommy John surgery. Chen left with an elbow sprain during Wednesday's loss to the Phillies and was placed on the disabled list. Ironically, Chen was starting against Hellickson, who will face Jarred Cosart in place of Chen on Monday.

Hellickson's value rebounded significantly this season after struggling in Arizona and Tampa Bay the last few seasons. After dealing with a shoulder injury, Hellickson pitched to ERAs above 4.50 in each season from 2013-15, leading to the Diamondbacks trading him to the Phillies for limited value. 

However, in 20 starts, Hellickson, who will be a free agent after the year, has anchored the Phillies' rotation, bringing a 3.84 ERA over 119 ⅔ innings into Monday's scheduled start. He also has a nearly career-best strikeout rate and has regained his signature command that made him a strong performer with the Rays.

The Phillies are aided this trade deadline by a lack of starting pitching options available on the market. With many teams in contention looking for an additional starter, Hellickson is an attractive piece who could help a team in a pennant race.