The Evster comes up with new names and logos for the Redskins

The Evster comes up with new names and logos for the Redskins

I’m not normally the type of person who cares about stuff, but the Redskins nickname is racist as shit. It's like calling a team the Cincinnati Black People or the New York Jews. I know, I know, the name 'Redskins' has EQUITY and Native Americans aren't real, but that’s not the point, the point is that I needed something to write about this week.

So here’s some free advice for you, Dan Snyder. Instead of shelling out thousands of dollars to some fancy dancy marketing firm, check out these new names and logo treatments that I've created FREE OF CHARGE for your clammy football team.

Note from Evster’s lawyer who is real and a person: Mr. Snyder, these names and logos are NOT free. Nothing in this world is free. If you choose to go forward with any of these designs, there will be a charge. Let's start the conversation at $11, shall we?

Ideally when rebranding a franchise, your team name should be intimidating (JAG-OO-UARS) while also giving a nod to the city they’re from (Jacksonville starts with a J!). This is not necessary, but it certainly adds some nice value. It’s not like there are lions roaming around downtown Detroit, but I do appreciate the cleverness of the New England Patriots, Baltimore Ravens, and Saskatchewan Hairy Mole Women.

So let's check out some new names for da Skins.

Washington Mega Ram Jam Ram Jammers

It is a fact, a medical fact, that nothing is cooler than ramming a basketball down a white person’s throat. Imagine a football team whose entire image was built on just that. I know, we’re mixing up sports, but look at how cute that guy is hanging on the rim up there. He has a flat top! If you’re still not convinced that this is the most awesome idea, watch this  video of all 57 of Gerald Green’s rams from this past NBA season. There's so many rams!

For the record, Gerald Green is not actually from D.C. but if you told me he was I'd totally believe you.

Washington Flarfs

It’s 2014, no one cares about making sense anymore. I talked to a guy in line at Wendy's the other day who told me that if they serve you french fries that aren't hot, just ask for a new pack o' gizzlers. No idea what he was talking about. Absolutely no idea. And yet I consider him to be a very dear friend.

Are you telling me you wouldn't wear a "WASHINGTON FLARFS" hooded sweatshirt? I'd pay big bucks ($3) to hear Gus Johnson announcing a game and screaming about how the Flarfs were just flarfing all over the place. I sort of feel like this article should just end now -- I mean we're not gonna do better than the Flarfs -- but I did spend a bunch of time flarfing out some new logos, so let's just flarf on.

Washington Kathie Lee Giffords

I can't think of a more terrifying image than lining up against 11 Kathie Lee Giffords. Now I know that if you change your team name to the Kathie Lee Giffords, you don't actually get to sign 45 Kathie Lee Giffords, but a man can dream.

The D.C. connection here is obviously people constantly talking about bullshit and never shutting up and no I'm not from D.C. please don't be rude.

Washington Potato Skins

It's like Redskins, but with potatoes! Notice too how there are laces on the outside of this potato skin to make it look like a pigskin. Also, the potato skin sort of looks like a stadium. Also it's a potato skin.

Washington Dentists

Nothing, and I mean nothing, is more terrifying than going to the dentist. The scraping, the x-rays, the hygienists berating you for not flossing enough. Well, here's a football team that will be just as intimidating. Plus, great opportunity to dress up your cheerleaders as hot hygienists. Although I gotta be honest, I have never, EVER, had a hot hygienist. I feel like it's a total myth. Every one of my hygienists has been from Broomall. That being said, there are few better feelings in this world than walking out of that office carrying that little plastic bag with a new toothbrush and floss. Struttin' like the goddamn King of Westeros.

By the way, how is it that in this day of modern medicine, we can attach a guy's butt to his foot but we still remove plaque with a metal hook.

Washington People Who Graduated from the University of Maryland with a Communications Degree

Ugh, no one is worse than Maryland grads. From that stupid state flag to their love of Lonny Baxter, nothing about these people is interesting. Then again, I do know a guy who once barfed on a dog there, so I guess that's pretty cool.

Washington Belt Waze

It's a belt but also a beltway and a football stadium and I spelled "ways" with a "z" and I really do get paid money to write these things.

Washington Red Skinny Jeans

Good night, everybody.

Follow the Evster @TVMWW.

Best of NBA: Dwyane Wade hits dagger 3-pointer in Bulls debut

Best of NBA: Dwyane Wade hits dagger 3-pointer in Bulls debut

CHICAGO -- Dwyane Wade scored 22 points in a triumphant Chicago debut, Jimmy Butler had 24 and the Bulls won their season opener, beating the Boston Celtics 105-99 on Thursday night.

Wade nailed a 3 from the corner in the final minute to make it a five-point game. Taj Gibson added 18 points and 10 rebounds, and the new-look Bulls got off to a winning start after missing the playoffs last season for the first time since 2008.

Isaiah Thomas led Boston with 25 points. Avery Bradley had 16, and Jae Crowder 14 points, but the Celtics came up short after opening with a win over Brooklyn the previous night.

The Bulls remade their roster in the offseason, jettisoning one hometown superstar and welcoming another when they traded Derrick Rose to New York and signed Wade to a two-year deal worth about $47 million in a move that stunned Miami.

The three-time NBA champion and 12-time All-Star is off to a good start with the Bulls after 13 seasons with the Heat.

Wade hit 4 of 6 3-pointers in this game after making just seven all of last season (see full recap).

New-look Hawks roll past Wizards
ATLANTA -- Dwight Howard dominated the boards in his Atlanta debut, Paul Millsap scored 28 points and Tim Hardaway Jr. ignited the new-look Hawks to a 114-99 victory over the Washington Wizards in their season opener Thursday night.

Howard grabbed 19 rebounds to go along with 11 points, just what the Hawks expected from their new center, and it certainly wasn't unusual for three-time All-Star Millsap to lead the way in scoring.

But Hardaway's performance was totally unexpected given the way he struggled in his first season with the Hawks, when he was largely confined to the bench and even forced to spend time in the D-League.

He scored 21 points, matching his high in an Atlanta uniform, and broke open a close game with back-to-back 3-pointers in the fourth. The Hawks, who led only 81-80 heading to the final period, outscored the Wizards 33-19 over the final 12 minutes (see full recap).

Best of NHL: Canadiens rally past Lightning for 6th straight win

Best of NHL: Canadiens rally past Lightning for 6th straight win

MONTREAL -- Max Pacioretty scored the tiebreaking goal in Montreal's three-goal third period as the Canadiens beat the Tampa Bay Lightning 3-1 Thursday night for their sixth straight win.

Alex Galchenyuk and Torrey Mitchell also scored to help Montreal improve to 7-0-1. Carey Price made 29 saves to win for the fourth time in four starts this season.

Alex Killorn scored the lone goal for the Lightning, who lost against an Eastern-Conference opponent for the first time this season. Ben Bishop stopped 23 shots.

With the scored tied 1-1, Pacioretty got the go-ahead goal at 10:23 by beating Bishop glove-side. Blown coverage by the Lightning left the Canadiens' captain all alone on the edge of the face-off circle, and Bishop couldn't see the shot with Andrew Shaw posted firmly in front of goal.

Montreal remains the only NHL team still undefeated in regulation (see full recap).

Crosby's late goal gives Penguins win over Islanders
PITTSBURGH -- Sidney Crosby scored the tiebreaking goal late in the third period to lead the Pittsburgh Penguins to a 4-2 victory over the New York Islanders on Thursday night.

Patric Hornqvist, Evgeni Malkin and Phil Kessel also scored -- each getting his third of the season -- to help the Penguins win for the third time in four games and improve to 5-0-1 at home.

Crosby, playing for the second straight game after missing the first six with a concussion, scored with 2:25 left as he caught a pass from Scott Wilson at the top of the crease and quickly turned to his forehand to put the puck behind Islanders goalie Jaroslav Halak.

Kessel added a power-play goal to cap the scoring 32 seconds later.

Marc-Andre Fleury stopped 35 shots while starting for the eighth straight game.

Travis Hamonic and Shane Prince scored for the Islanders, and Halak finished with 31 saves (see full recap).

Streaking Red Wings win marathon shootout vs. Blues
ST. LOUIS -- Henrik Zetterberg scored in the eighth round of a shootout to give the Detroit Red Wings a 2-1 victory over the St. Louis Blues on Thursday night.

Zetterberg's goal gave the Red Wings a six-game winning streak.

In the shootout, St. Louis' first shooter, Alexander Steen, scored but then Vladimir Tarasenko, Kevin Shattenkirk, David Perron, Nail Yakupoc, Robby Fabbri, Patrick Burgland and Dmitrjij Jaskin all came up short.

Gustav Nyquist scored on Detroit's second attempt but Frans Nielsen, Dylan Larkin, Andreas Athanasiou, Tomas Tatar, Riley Sheehan and Darren Helm all missed.

St. Louis had the better chances in overtime. Center Jaden Schwartz missed a wide-open net early in the extra session. Jori Lehtera was stopped on a breakaway midway through the period by Detroit goalie Petr Mrazek (see full recap).