The Evster Gives Chip Kelly Some Tips Before his Debut

The Evster Gives Chip Kelly Some Tips Before his Debut

Hi Chip. Big game Friday night. Well, not really. It's just preseason, it doesn't really matter, and in the grand scheme of things (and in the grand scheme of the world), this is probably one of the least mattering events of all time. Unfortunately, you coach in a town filled with raging lunatics, so it does kinda matter, even though it doesn't really even come close to mattering. I guess what really matters here is that you get out of the first quarter without getting LeSean McCoy killed, while also ingratiating yourself to the Philly fans as quickly as possible. So here are a few tips from a life-long Eagles fan on how to make a solid first impression during your coaching debut.

Open up the game with at least seven wide receivers. 

How amazing would it be to see the Patriots linebackers scrambling around trying to figure out who to match up against while Michael Vick scanned the field for one of his SEVEN different options? I'm not even sure if you're allowed to send out seven receivers BUT THAT'S THE BEAUTY OF THE FORMATION, CHIP. You don't necessarily have to send them all out on patterns, you only need one, Desean Jax, because that guy is FAST. And then BOMB IT TO HIM! That shows the world you mean business!

Let's simplify things, Coach. In this game, you need one really fast guy and one really good throwing guy, and the Eagles have both. So even if you have seven different options to choose from, you still only have one football, so you gotta throw it to THE FAST GUY. And Michael Vick can seriously throw a football so far. I feel like he can throw a ball further than anyone else, ever. I kind of want him to launch the ball out of the stadium on the first play just to prove a point. Like, "Yeah, I just threw the ball out of the stadium on 1st down, what? I've still got 2nd down." And then on 2nd Down he could chuck it out of the stadium again. And then on 3rd Down he'd probably throw a dump-off pass to Brent Celek for around six yards and then punt, but still THOSE FIRST TWO DOWNS THO.

Send a message.

Philadelphia Eagles' Will Shaw during practice at the team's NFL football training facility

Your players need to respect you. The fans need to respect you. And there's no better way than to get your teams' attention then to kill a man. Maybe it's a fourth-string lineman who misses an assignment during the 2nd Half. Maybe it's a ballboy during the pregame pep talk. Either way, someone needs to die. This is how the greatest leaders of our generation -- Marlo Stanfield, Gus from Breaking Bad, Jimmy Superfly Snuka -- got people to respect them, through fear. Kill someone, Chip, anyone. Or at least grab a facemask. Or spit on someone. I guess now that I think about it, killing someone is a little far-fetched, but there's gotta be at least one tight end on this 73-man roster who could disappear off the face of the earth and no one would notice. Will Shaw? He's not even a real person, is he? No good tight end has ever worn #47. Chris Cooley? He sucked. We wouldn't miss Will Shaw, Chip. We honestly wouldn't miss him.

Watch out for Don Tollefson.

At some point during Friday's game, a very strange and overly-chipper man will come up to you and introduce himself and possibly put his arm around your shoulder. This man is a weirdo, Chip, a certifiable weirdo. You must deal with him calmly and patiently, and do not look him in the eyes, Chip, do not look him in the eyes! He'll probably be holding some sort of microphone that says "ETW" on it which he'll claim stands for "Eagles Television Network" but that's not a real network, that's not even close to a real network. In fact, no one really knows what the hell it is. It's like this weird, amateur, shitty production company that shows up every August with their shitty graphics and their shitty broadcasters for the sole purpose of telling us how INDISPENSABLE Will Shaw has been during training camp, but THEY'RE LIARS, CHIP. If this Tollefson guy interviews you, just nod and smile and say that you know nothing about any murders in the area, but you'll be sure to watch the 11 o'clock broadcast of Action News, because you always watch Action News. All true Philadelphians watch Action News, Chip. This is really all you need to know to make friends in this town.

Use those flash card thingies to call plays.

I don't know if you're planning on using those flash card thingies like you did at Oregon, but people love those things, especially women (and also me). As of now, there is NO WAY that my wife will allow me to watch Friday night's game, but if you break out those cards with little pictures of bunnies and frogs and give the viewers at home the opportunity to crack your code, I guarantee your ratings go up. And while I recognize that you probably don't care about TV ratings or my wife's happiness, I really really wanna watch the game and can't handle one more Friday evening watching Say Yes to the Dress.

JK I love that show, but still.

Don't wear the visor. 

Ugh, the visor. You need a different look, Chip. No Philly dude would ever rock a visor. Beanie Sigel? I guarantee you that he owns zero visors. It's so college and so South Carolina and if you're gonna wear a visor you might as well wear one of those hanging sunglass necklaces, too. You know what I'm talking about. They're called Croakies. Ugh, they are the worst. But you need something, Chip, because every great coach has something: Tom Landry had that dumb hat, JoePa had the black Nikes, Walter Matthau had his nose. The 80s are back, so I'd say that you could wear Zubaz, but I feel like that was kinda Buddy Ryan's thing. Maybe you should wear a helmet? Be the first coach who storms the sidelines wearing a helmet. That would be ahhh-mazzzeee-innggggg. I'm picturing one of those super oversized helmets, kinda like what Lord Helmet wore in Spaceballs. Are you telling me you wouldn't love a coach who wore a huge helmet?! THIS IS THE GREATEST IDEA I'VE EVER HAD.

Dude, just don't get Shady killed.

And please consider the whole huge helmet thing.

Well, there you have it, Chip. five absolutely fantastic ideas and one truly phenomenal one. I mean, think about it, you could head-butt everyone!

HOW CAN WE MAKE THIS HAPPEN, CHIP?!?!

HOW CAN WE MAKE THIS HAPPS?

I ALSO THINK IT'S KINDA COOL THAT OUR COACH'S NAME IS CHIP.

Follow The Evster @TVMWW.

Best of NHL: Blue Jackets top Red Wings to notch 5th straight win

Best of NHL: Blue Jackets top Red Wings to notch 5th straight win

DETROIT -- Brandon Dubinsky scored a tiebreaking goal in the second period and the surging Columbus Blue Jackets won their fifth straight game, 4-1 over the Detroit Red Wings on Friday night.

Lukas Sedlak got his first NHL goal for the Blue Jackets, who have earned at least a point in 12 of their last 13 games. Cam Atkinson contributed a short-handed goal in the first period for Columbus.

Dylan Larkin's power-play goal in the second was the only scoring of the night for the Red Wings. Sergei Bobrovsky had 32 saves for the Blue Jackets.

Sam Gagner scored into an empty net with 13.9 seconds remaining (see full story). 

Staal scores in 6th round of SO to lift Wild over Oilers
ST. PAUL, Minn. -- Eric Staal scored in the sixth round of a shootout and the Minnesota Wild beat the Edmonton Oilers 3-2 on Friday night.

Matt Dumba and Jason Zucker scored in regulation for Minnesota, which has won three straight.

Wild goalie Devan Dubnyk made 25 saves. He entered with a league-best .946 save percentage and 1.65 goals-against average.

Leon Draisaitl and Ryan Nugent-Hopkins had goals for the Oilers, whose four-game losing streak began with a 2-1 home overtime loss to the Wild last Sunday.

Staal scored on a backhand deke before Nugent-Hopkins fired wide in the sixth round (see full story). 

Raanta, Rangers beat Blackhawks 1-0 in overtime
CHICAGO -- Nick Holden scored 55 seconds into overtime, Antti Raanta made 26 saves against his former team and the New York Rangers beat the Chicago Blackhawks 1-0 on Friday night.

Derek Stepan passed from the boards to a streaking Holden in the middle of the ice, and he beat Scott Darling on the stick side for his fourth goal of the season.

Darling was going for his second straight shutout while subbing for injured starter Corey Crawford but had to settle for another solid performance.

Raanta, who made his NHL debut with Chicago in 2013 and played for the Blackhawks for two seasons before he was traded to New York, improved to 15-0-3 in 20 career appearances at the United Center.

The 27-year-old Raanta had 17 saves in Thursday's 2-1 victory at Winnipeg, and coach Alain Vigneault opted to give him a second straight start over Henrik Lundqvist because of his recent play and his success in Chicago (see full story).

Oshie, Johansson, Grubauer lift Caps over Sabres 4-1
BUFFALO, N.Y. -- T.J. Oshie and Marcus Johansson each scored a goal, Philipp Grubauer made 27 saves and the Washington Capitals beat the Buffalo Sabres 4-1 on Friday night for their third straight win.

Jakub Vrana and John Carlson also scored, helping Washington beat Buffalo for the third time in 15 days.

Kyle Okposo scored and Robin Lehner made 25 saves for Buffalo. The Sabres have lost three of their last four.

Oshie gave the Capitals a 1-0 lead 6:43 into the second period when he lifted a shot from the right edge of the crease past Lehner. Jay Beagle drew two defenders into the corner and sent the puck back to a wide open Oshie for his ninth goal of the season (see full story). 

Flyers-Stars 5 things: Streaking like it's 2002?

Flyers-Stars 5 things: Streaking like it's 2002?

Flyers (16-10-3) vs. Stars (11-11-6)
1 p.m. on CSN and CSNPhilly.com

Remember when it was a fight for the Flyers to simply sew together back-to-back wins?

Prior to this run, they had done it just twice in the first 22 games.

Now, they’re the hottest team in the NHL, winners of seven straight and trying to make it eight on Saturday afternoon when they welcome the Dallas Stars to the Wells Fargo Center.

Here are five things you need to know for the matchup:

1. The great eight?
Jeremy Roenick, Mark Recchi, John LeClair and Eric Desjardins.

Roman Cechmanek and Brian Boucher.

These are just some of the players that were wearing Flyers jerseys when the team last won eight consecutive games, back on Jan. 6-19, 2002.

It’s worth mentioning, before the 2004-05 season, winning streaks were a bit more challenging with a tie being the result if overtime went scoreless. The extra session was also not 3-on-3, like it is now.

Still, what the current Flyers are doing is impressive. They’ve gone to the shootout only once over the seven-game spurt and have outscored the opposition by 10 goals, 27-17.

2. Raffl winners
Dave Hakstol has called Michael Raffl a big-bodied, straight-line forward, which is certainly not off the mark.

But from time to time, Raffl will show the deceptive skill side of his game.

He did it Thursday night to win the Flyers’ 6-5 affair over the Oilers in the final minute and a half of regulation for his second game-winner over the last three contests.

"Raf has this stutter step that's undercover speedy," Steve Mason said postgame Thursday (see story). "He used it in Nashville to get a big goal and then here tonight.

"It looks like he's going to stop fully up, but he finds another gear and he really adds another element to that line that brings physical play.

"He has that sneaky talent, too, that can make you pay."

Raffl is quietly making teams pay. The Flyers are 4-0-2 in games that he scores a goal. Despite missing eight games because of injury, the 28-year-old Austrian is on pace for around 20 goals.

That’s much-valued secondary scoring and complementary play.

3. Not so bright
Before reeling off seven straight wins, the Flyers were in a similar spot to which the Stars are in now.

Dallas, which finished 50-23-9 last season — best in the Western Conference — after starting 19-5-0, can’t find consistency through 28 games this season. The Stars have won back-to-back games just once thus far and goaltending has been an issue as Dallas is surrendering an NHL-worst 3.18 goals per game.

The Stars do not lack offensive firepower, however. Center Tyler Seguin is tied for second in the NHL with 29 points (10 goals, 19 assists), while linemate Jamie Benn isn’t far behind at 24 (eight goals, 16 assists).

Also, veteran forward Jason Spezza is coming off a three-point game (one goal, two assists) in Dallas’ 5-2 win over the Predators.

4. Keep an eye on ...
Flyers: We’ve got to go Jakub Voracek after the winger’s one-goal, three-assist performance on Thursday night. Voracek has been an absolute monster on the seven-game winning streak, posting 11 points with three goals and eight assists for a plus-6 rating.

Stars: It’s hard not to say Seguin, a dynamic player who always gives the Flyers trouble. His 21 career points (nine goals, 12 assists) against the orange and black are his second most versus any team.

5. This and that
• Mason is on a career-best six-game winning streak in which he’s posted a 2.27 goals-against average and .931 save percentage. Since Nov. 12, Mason is 9-3-1 with a 2.34 goals-against average and .923 save percentage.

• Stars goalie Kari Lehtonen is a dreadful 1-10-3 lifetime against the Flyers with a 3.49 goals-against average and .891 save percentage, while backup Antti Niemi is 4-1-0 with 1.48 goals-against average and .947 save percentage.

• Dallas has won its last three meetings with the Flyers by a combined score of 7-3.

• The Stars have lost 11 of 15 on the road.

• Flyers defenseman Ivan Provorov has four points (two goals, two assists) in his last four games.