The Evster Gives Chip Kelly Some Tips Before his Debut

The Evster Gives Chip Kelly Some Tips Before his Debut

Hi Chip. Big game Friday night. Well, not really. It's just preseason, it doesn't really matter, and in the grand scheme of things (and in the grand scheme of the world), this is probably one of the least mattering events of all time. Unfortunately, you coach in a town filled with raging lunatics, so it does kinda matter, even though it doesn't really even come close to mattering. I guess what really matters here is that you get out of the first quarter without getting LeSean McCoy killed, while also ingratiating yourself to the Philly fans as quickly as possible. So here are a few tips from a life-long Eagles fan on how to make a solid first impression during your coaching debut.

Open up the game with at least seven wide receivers. 

How amazing would it be to see the Patriots linebackers scrambling around trying to figure out who to match up against while Michael Vick scanned the field for one of his SEVEN different options? I'm not even sure if you're allowed to send out seven receivers BUT THAT'S THE BEAUTY OF THE FORMATION, CHIP. You don't necessarily have to send them all out on patterns, you only need one, Desean Jax, because that guy is FAST. And then BOMB IT TO HIM! That shows the world you mean business!

Let's simplify things, Coach. In this game, you need one really fast guy and one really good throwing guy, and the Eagles have both. So even if you have seven different options to choose from, you still only have one football, so you gotta throw it to THE FAST GUY. And Michael Vick can seriously throw a football so far. I feel like he can throw a ball further than anyone else, ever. I kind of want him to launch the ball out of the stadium on the first play just to prove a point. Like, "Yeah, I just threw the ball out of the stadium on 1st down, what? I've still got 2nd down." And then on 2nd Down he could chuck it out of the stadium again. And then on 3rd Down he'd probably throw a dump-off pass to Brent Celek for around six yards and then punt, but still THOSE FIRST TWO DOWNS THO.

Send a message.

Philadelphia Eagles' Will Shaw during practice at the team's NFL football training facility

Your players need to respect you. The fans need to respect you. And there's no better way than to get your teams' attention then to kill a man. Maybe it's a fourth-string lineman who misses an assignment during the 2nd Half. Maybe it's a ballboy during the pregame pep talk. Either way, someone needs to die. This is how the greatest leaders of our generation -- Marlo Stanfield, Gus from Breaking Bad, Jimmy Superfly Snuka -- got people to respect them, through fear. Kill someone, Chip, anyone. Or at least grab a facemask. Or spit on someone. I guess now that I think about it, killing someone is a little far-fetched, but there's gotta be at least one tight end on this 73-man roster who could disappear off the face of the earth and no one would notice. Will Shaw? He's not even a real person, is he? No good tight end has ever worn #47. Chris Cooley? He sucked. We wouldn't miss Will Shaw, Chip. We honestly wouldn't miss him.

Watch out for Don Tollefson.

At some point during Friday's game, a very strange and overly-chipper man will come up to you and introduce himself and possibly put his arm around your shoulder. This man is a weirdo, Chip, a certifiable weirdo. You must deal with him calmly and patiently, and do not look him in the eyes, Chip, do not look him in the eyes! He'll probably be holding some sort of microphone that says "ETW" on it which he'll claim stands for "Eagles Television Network" but that's not a real network, that's not even close to a real network. In fact, no one really knows what the hell it is. It's like this weird, amateur, shitty production company that shows up every August with their shitty graphics and their shitty broadcasters for the sole purpose of telling us how INDISPENSABLE Will Shaw has been during training camp, but THEY'RE LIARS, CHIP. If this Tollefson guy interviews you, just nod and smile and say that you know nothing about any murders in the area, but you'll be sure to watch the 11 o'clock broadcast of Action News, because you always watch Action News. All true Philadelphians watch Action News, Chip. This is really all you need to know to make friends in this town.

Use those flash card thingies to call plays.

I don't know if you're planning on using those flash card thingies like you did at Oregon, but people love those things, especially women (and also me). As of now, there is NO WAY that my wife will allow me to watch Friday night's game, but if you break out those cards with little pictures of bunnies and frogs and give the viewers at home the opportunity to crack your code, I guarantee your ratings go up. And while I recognize that you probably don't care about TV ratings or my wife's happiness, I really really wanna watch the game and can't handle one more Friday evening watching Say Yes to the Dress.

JK I love that show, but still.

Don't wear the visor. 

Ugh, the visor. You need a different look, Chip. No Philly dude would ever rock a visor. Beanie Sigel? I guarantee you that he owns zero visors. It's so college and so South Carolina and if you're gonna wear a visor you might as well wear one of those hanging sunglass necklaces, too. You know what I'm talking about. They're called Croakies. Ugh, they are the worst. But you need something, Chip, because every great coach has something: Tom Landry had that dumb hat, JoePa had the black Nikes, Walter Matthau had his nose. The 80s are back, so I'd say that you could wear Zubaz, but I feel like that was kinda Buddy Ryan's thing. Maybe you should wear a helmet? Be the first coach who storms the sidelines wearing a helmet. That would be ahhh-mazzzeee-innggggg. I'm picturing one of those super oversized helmets, kinda like what Lord Helmet wore in Spaceballs. Are you telling me you wouldn't love a coach who wore a huge helmet?! THIS IS THE GREATEST IDEA I'VE EVER HAD.

Dude, just don't get Shady killed.

And please consider the whole huge helmet thing.

Well, there you have it, Chip. five absolutely fantastic ideas and one truly phenomenal one. I mean, think about it, you could head-butt everyone!

HOW CAN WE MAKE THIS HAPPEN, CHIP?!?!

HOW CAN WE MAKE THIS HAPPS?

I ALSO THINK IT'S KINDA COOL THAT OUR COACH'S NAME IS CHIP.

Follow The Evster @TVMWW.

Carson Wentz back at practice, frustrated he’s out for Eagles Thursday night

Carson Wentz back at practice, frustrated he’s out for Eagles Thursday night

Carson Wentz was on the fields at the NovaCare Complex wearing a helmet and ready to practice on Monday for the first time since fracturing his ribs on Aug. 11 against the Bucs.

He’s getting better. Just not quickly enough.

Despite being back at practice Monday afternoon, Wentz will not play in the Eagles’ preseason finale against the Jets on Thursday night. The original hope was that the No. 2 overall pick would be ready for the fourth preseason game.

“That’s a no-go for this week, but I’ll be ready for Week 1,” Wentz said.

Eagles head coach Doug Pederson said a CT scan on Wentz’s ribs showed one was completely healed, while the other was just 60 percent healed (see story).

Wentz said he expects to be fully healed by Sept. 11, when the Eagles open the season against the Cleveland Browns. But by then, he will have missed three of his four opportunities to play in the preseason. And, as the third-stringer, he won’t even be active on game days.

“It’s tough,” Wentz said. “With all injuries, it’s tough not being on the field, especially as a competitor coming in here, these preseason games were going to be big for me. It’s tough, it’s frustrating, but it just kind of is what it is.”

In his only game this preseason, Wentz went 12 for 24 for 89 yards and an interception. He also ran three times for 15 yards. During that game, he showed flashes of why the Eagles were so high on him, but it was just a taste.

After Thursday night, he will have spent the rest of the preseason as a spectator during games, taking mental reps instead of real ones.

Mental reps help, certainly. Wentz stands on the sideline and mentally inserts himself into the play. What would he do here? What would his read be there? What would he do with a certain protection?

“You’re really just trying to be locked in like you were the guy in the game,” he said.

Mental reps are great. But they don’t replace the real ones. Nothing does.

So while Wentz has been working to get better since going down with the ribs injury earlier this month, he’s lost valuable practice and game reps that he won’t get back. Pederson said once the season starts, the team can’t help him make them up because it will be too focused on getting the starters ready to play.

“You have to make the most of every opportunity you have in practice,” Wentz said. “I feel confident with where I am. Obviously, I missed the couple preseason games. I know when my number gets called, I’ll be ready.”

Pederson on Monday said he was less concerned about Wentz because Wentz is the third-string quarterback behind Sam Bradford and Chase Daniel. That was the plan before Wentz’s injury. Then the injury cemented that plan.

Does Wentz have any hope that he’ll play during his rookie season?

“I’ll be ready to go,” he said. “It’s not up for me to decide. We’ve been talking about this forever now. I know I’ll be ready to go and I’m excited for when I’m back out there. Practicing today, I’m excited for that too.”

Tonight's lineup: Has the Ryan Howard showcase come to an end?

Tonight's lineup: Has the Ryan Howard showcase come to an end?

Showcase time for Ryan Howard has apparently come to an end.

Phillies manager Pete Mackanin will go with Tommy Joseph rather than Howard at first base for Monday's series opener against Nationals right-hander Tanner Roark. It's an interesting decision because it likely means Howard will sit until at least the weekend. On Tuesday, the Phils face Max Scherzer, against whom Howard is 1 for 18 with 11 strikeouts. On Wednesday, they draw lefty Gio Gonzalez.

Howard is 1 for 10 with four strikeouts in his last three games. He was hot after the All-Star break but the Phillies were still unlikely to be able to find a suitor for him because of the scarcity of American League teams in need of a DH. With just three days before Sept. 1, it seems extremely unlikely Howard will be moved. A player is not postseason eligible unless he's on a team's roster by Aug. 31. Thus, Joseph should get more playing time in September.

Jimmy Paredes gets another start in left field after striking the ball well three times on Sunday. Paredes has been productive lately, going 10 for 27 (.370) with two doubles and two homers in his last 14 games. He could be designated for assignment by the Phils soon if they need to clear a spot to add a prospect to the 40-man roster for a September call-up.

1. Cesar Hernandez, 2B (.895 OPS in last 230 PA)
2. Odubel Herrera, CF
3. Maikel Franco, 3B
4. Tommy Joseph, 1B
5. Aaron Altherr, RF
6. Cameron Rupp, C
7. Jimmy Paredes, LF
8. Freddy Galvis, LF
9. Jake Thompson

Eagles LB Myke Tavarres will join Colin Kaepernick, won't stand for national anthem

Eagles LB Myke Tavarres will join Colin Kaepernick, won't stand for national anthem

San Francisco 49ers quarterback Colin Kaepernick made headlines last week when he refused to stand for the national anthem during a preseason game, and an Eagles linebacker fighting for a roster spot says he'll do the same in their final preseason contest.

Kaepernick decided not to stand because of the divisive and violent racial issues that have been building in America. Tavarres has taken a similar stance, telling ESPN.com's Tim McManus on Monday that he nearly followed Kaepernick's lead by sitting out the anthem in Indianapolis.

"Oh, I thought about it. Believe me, I definitely thought about it," Tavarres told ESPN. "And usually I'm front and center on the line with the rest of the guys, and that's since pre-K all the way up. Saturday's game, I stepped back, I was in the background, and it didn't feel right to me at all, and so I will be taking a stand — or sitting down — for the fourth game.

"We've got an issue in this country in this day and age, and I feel like somebody needs to step up and we all need to step up. We've got that right. There's just a lot going on that people don't want to talk about, and I feel like us as athletes, we're looked at as role models. And I feel like with Colin Kaepernick, he's doing a great job for standing up in what he believes in, and most people may not like that, but that's his opinion, he's entitled to it, and I respect him for doing it."

According to the report, Eagles defensive coordinator Jim Schwartz had players express their feelings about the topic during a meeting Monday and Tavarres was one of the players who spoke, along with team leader Malcolm Jenkins and cornerback Leodis McKelvin.

Jenkins discussed the topic with USA Today over the weekend.

"At some point, I think guys in multiple sports across the country, guys are starting to realize if we do want a change, it is something we need to get involved in at some point," Jenkins said.

“I have already done some things. I have spoken to the police commissioner of Philadelphia. We are trying to come up with some plans to do some stuff on the ground and get some work done. A lot of what is going on in the country is outrageous. I try to be careful. I ask myself what is the outcome that I want to see and how do I go about that?

"At the end of the day when it comes down to relationships of African Americans in this country right now, my entire family is black. I can sit on my stage and act like these things don’t apply to me but my two brothers, my dad, my mom, all of them are dealing with the same thing."

Tavarres, meanwhile, is not a lock to make the Eagles' final 53-man roster, but their lack of depth at backup linebacker has created an opportunity for him. Dave Zangaro had Tavarres on the practice squad in his roster projection Monday. 

"In this situation, I've really got nothing to lose," Tavarres told McManus. "I'm a rookie free agent, haven't signed any major contract, so there's not a lot of money on the line, I don't have any big endorsement deals on the line. Really what's at stake is my pride and what kind of man would I be and what kind of African-American would I be if I didn't stand my ground on this issue we have today?

"[It] needs to be done. Will there be backlash? Probably. I don't think anyone has bought my jersey yet, so I don't know if it's going to be burned, but it's a major issue and I'm definitely going to stand my ground for this one."