The Evster Gives Chip Kelly Some Tips Before his Debut

The Evster Gives Chip Kelly Some Tips Before his Debut

Hi Chip. Big game Friday night. Well, not really. It's just preseason, it doesn't really matter, and in the grand scheme of things (and in the grand scheme of the world), this is probably one of the least mattering events of all time. Unfortunately, you coach in a town filled with raging lunatics, so it does kinda matter, even though it doesn't really even come close to mattering. I guess what really matters here is that you get out of the first quarter without getting LeSean McCoy killed, while also ingratiating yourself to the Philly fans as quickly as possible. So here are a few tips from a life-long Eagles fan on how to make a solid first impression during your coaching debut.

Open up the game with at least seven wide receivers. 

How amazing would it be to see the Patriots linebackers scrambling around trying to figure out who to match up against while Michael Vick scanned the field for one of his SEVEN different options? I'm not even sure if you're allowed to send out seven receivers BUT THAT'S THE BEAUTY OF THE FORMATION, CHIP. You don't necessarily have to send them all out on patterns, you only need one, Desean Jax, because that guy is FAST. And then BOMB IT TO HIM! That shows the world you mean business!

Let's simplify things, Coach. In this game, you need one really fast guy and one really good throwing guy, and the Eagles have both. So even if you have seven different options to choose from, you still only have one football, so you gotta throw it to THE FAST GUY. And Michael Vick can seriously throw a football so far. I feel like he can throw a ball further than anyone else, ever. I kind of want him to launch the ball out of the stadium on the first play just to prove a point. Like, "Yeah, I just threw the ball out of the stadium on 1st down, what? I've still got 2nd down." And then on 2nd Down he could chuck it out of the stadium again. And then on 3rd Down he'd probably throw a dump-off pass to Brent Celek for around six yards and then punt, but still THOSE FIRST TWO DOWNS THO.

Send a message.

Philadelphia Eagles' Will Shaw during practice at the team's NFL football training facility

Your players need to respect you. The fans need to respect you. And there's no better way than to get your teams' attention then to kill a man. Maybe it's a fourth-string lineman who misses an assignment during the 2nd Half. Maybe it's a ballboy during the pregame pep talk. Either way, someone needs to die. This is how the greatest leaders of our generation -- Marlo Stanfield, Gus from Breaking Bad, Jimmy Superfly Snuka -- got people to respect them, through fear. Kill someone, Chip, anyone. Or at least grab a facemask. Or spit on someone. I guess now that I think about it, killing someone is a little far-fetched, but there's gotta be at least one tight end on this 73-man roster who could disappear off the face of the earth and no one would notice. Will Shaw? He's not even a real person, is he? No good tight end has ever worn #47. Chris Cooley? He sucked. We wouldn't miss Will Shaw, Chip. We honestly wouldn't miss him.

Watch out for Don Tollefson.

At some point during Friday's game, a very strange and overly-chipper man will come up to you and introduce himself and possibly put his arm around your shoulder. This man is a weirdo, Chip, a certifiable weirdo. You must deal with him calmly and patiently, and do not look him in the eyes, Chip, do not look him in the eyes! He'll probably be holding some sort of microphone that says "ETW" on it which he'll claim stands for "Eagles Television Network" but that's not a real network, that's not even close to a real network. In fact, no one really knows what the hell it is. It's like this weird, amateur, shitty production company that shows up every August with their shitty graphics and their shitty broadcasters for the sole purpose of telling us how INDISPENSABLE Will Shaw has been during training camp, but THEY'RE LIARS, CHIP. If this Tollefson guy interviews you, just nod and smile and say that you know nothing about any murders in the area, but you'll be sure to watch the 11 o'clock broadcast of Action News, because you always watch Action News. All true Philadelphians watch Action News, Chip. This is really all you need to know to make friends in this town.

Use those flash card thingies to call plays.

I don't know if you're planning on using those flash card thingies like you did at Oregon, but people love those things, especially women (and also me). As of now, there is NO WAY that my wife will allow me to watch Friday night's game, but if you break out those cards with little pictures of bunnies and frogs and give the viewers at home the opportunity to crack your code, I guarantee your ratings go up. And while I recognize that you probably don't care about TV ratings or my wife's happiness, I really really wanna watch the game and can't handle one more Friday evening watching Say Yes to the Dress.

JK I love that show, but still.

Don't wear the visor. 

Ugh, the visor. You need a different look, Chip. No Philly dude would ever rock a visor. Beanie Sigel? I guarantee you that he owns zero visors. It's so college and so South Carolina and if you're gonna wear a visor you might as well wear one of those hanging sunglass necklaces, too. You know what I'm talking about. They're called Croakies. Ugh, they are the worst. But you need something, Chip, because every great coach has something: Tom Landry had that dumb hat, JoePa had the black Nikes, Walter Matthau had his nose. The 80s are back, so I'd say that you could wear Zubaz, but I feel like that was kinda Buddy Ryan's thing. Maybe you should wear a helmet? Be the first coach who storms the sidelines wearing a helmet. That would be ahhh-mazzzeee-innggggg. I'm picturing one of those super oversized helmets, kinda like what Lord Helmet wore in Spaceballs. Are you telling me you wouldn't love a coach who wore a huge helmet?! THIS IS THE GREATEST IDEA I'VE EVER HAD.

Dude, just don't get Shady killed.

And please consider the whole huge helmet thing.

Well, there you have it, Chip. five absolutely fantastic ideas and one truly phenomenal one. I mean, think about it, you could head-butt everyone!




Follow The Evster @TVMWW.

Eagles-Vikings predictions by our (cough) experts

Eagles-Vikings predictions by our (cough) experts

The Eagles are coming off two straight losses and the slate doesn't get any easier with the 5-0 Vikings coming to town.

It also marks the return of Sam Bradford, who was traded just before Week 1, paving the way for rookie Carson Wentz to start.

The Eagles kick off against Minnesota at the Linc on Sunday at 1 p.m., so it's time for our (cough) experts' predictions for the Week 7 matchup.

Dave Zangaro (2-3)
I'll admit, this game just has a weird feel. It has the feeling like the Eagles might be able to catch the Vikings sleeping after their bye week and hand them their first loss of the season.

I was almost tempted to pick the Birds in this one.

But I'm not.

Ultimately, the Vikings are just the better team. I'm not sure how the Eagles are going to put up points against them. And I'm not convinced the Eagles' defense will be able to stop anyone after what we saw last weekend.

They keep it close, but the Birds fall to 3-3.

Vikings 20, Eagles 17

Derrick Gunn (2-3)
The good news is Minnesota's offense is ranked 30th in the league and the Vikings' run game is dead last averaging 70.6 yards per game. 

The bad news is the Vikings' defense is a monster, ranked 2nd overall and first in points allowed at 12.6.

There is not a weak link in the Vikings' D and they are fundamentally sound across the board. The Eagles' defense vows that what happened to them at Washington — allowing 230 rushing yards — won't happen again. 

Carson Wentz got roughed up by the Redskins' pass rush, and unless the Eagles' offensive line plugs the leaks, more of the same could happen this Sunday. The Birds have every reason to rebound at home, but I just don't like the overall matchup. 

Vikings 20, Eagles 13

Ray Didinger (2-3)
The Vikings aren't going undefeated. You don't go 16-0 in the NFL with a 30th ranked offense which is what the Vikings have. Yes, their defense is very good. Going back to last season they have held each of their last nine opponents to 17 points or less. They are deep, fast and well-coached by Mike Zimmer. But the offense led by Sam Bradford coughs and sputters a lot.
As a result, the Vikings will play a lot of close, low-scoring games and somewhere along the line they are going to lose. It could even happen this week when they play the Eagles. Special teams could be huge. The Eagles have a big edge with kicker Caleb Sturgis. Vikings kicker Blair Walsh has already missed three field goals and two PATs. However, the Vikings return men -- Marcus Sherels on punts, Cordarrelle Patterson on kickoffs -- are very dangerous. I expect the Eagles to keep it close but in the end I have to go with the superior defense.
Vikings 21, Eagles 16

Andrew Kulp (2-3)
Which Eagles defense shows up on Sunday? If they can limit Minnesota's anemic ground attack, which ranks dead last in the NFL, this should be a close game. Sam Bradford is playing really well, but it's not like he's airing it out all over the place.

Then it becomes a question of how Halapoulivaati Vaitai responds to a rough debut. The Vikings pass-rush is fierce, so it doesn't get any easier this week. As long as the protection gives Carson Wentz a chance, that will at least give the rookie signal-caller a shot at making a few big plays.

For some reason, I like their chances at both. It's going to be another ugly one, but the Eagles do just enough to squeak by.

Eagles 20, Vikings 19

Corey Seidman (2-3)
I foresee a low-scoring game in which the Eagles are more competitive than some might think.

But in the end, the Vikings have the personnel and the defensive-minded head coach (Mike Zimmer) to get key stops down the stretch.

Vikings 20, Eagles 16

Andy Schwartz (1-4)
You’re still reading? 

Well good for you. Much appreciated. 

Because clearly I certainly don’t know what to expect from this team. 

But let’s forget all that for the moment and look at the Bradford Bowl. 

The Vikings’ offense is hardly scary (30th in the league in yards per game behind the Rams and Niners), but their defense is (second in yards per game behind Seattle).

The Eagles’ offense is hardly scary (22nd in yards per game), and their defense (sixth in yards per game) was pretty scary a few weeks ago.

So let’s look at the intangibles. Which team needs this game more? The Eagles. And they’re at home. 

But given the outcomes the last two weeks and that Minnesota is unbeaten and coming off a bye, it certainly makes sense to pick the Vikes, who are favored by 2.5.

Then again, the Eagles not too long ago were unbeaten and coming off a bye … and we all know what happened.

So I’ll say the Birds pull off another upset and remain unbeaten at the Linc. 

Just don’t bet on it.

Eagles 6, Vikings 5

Report: Nerlens Noel expected out 3-5 weeks after left knee surgery

Report: Nerlens Noel expected out 3-5 weeks after left knee surgery

It appears the Sixers' frontcourt logjam may not be an issue early on.

Nerlens Noel, who is having surgery Monday for an inflamed plica in his left knee, will miss the first three to five weeks of the season, according to Keith Pompey of the Philadelphia Inquirer.

Noel suffered a left groin injury in the first preseason game against the Celtics and missed the rest of the preseason. While undergoing treatment, Noel reported left knee soreness, which led to the discovery of the inflamed plica.

It's been an odd start to the season for Noel. The big man was outspoken about his displeasure with the Sixers' frontcourt situation early in camp. With the deadline for Noel's rookie contract extension approaching on Oct. 31, the team has not had conversations about it, according to a report.

The Sixers are already without No. 1 overall pick Ben Simmons as he recovers from surgery to repair a Jones fracture in his right foot. The team will also be without their starting point guard Jerryd Bayless who is dealing with a ligament issue in his left wrist. Bayless won't require surgery and will be reevaluated in two weeks.