The Evster reviews NFL Network's 'The Football Life: Randall Cunningham'

The Evster reviews NFL Network's 'The Football Life: Randall Cunningham'

Growing up, no one, and I mean NO ONE, made me lose my shit more than Randall Cunningham. Not Shawn Kemp. Not Frank Drebin. Not even the lovely ladies of Hustler magazine and their knee-high tube socks. Randall Cunningham was The Ultimate Weapon Bonkers Machine. So when I heard that the NFL Network was going to feature Randall in their "A Football Life" series, I started screaming like a lunatic and ran into a lamp.

Before the show aired, I was most excited to see some of Randall's old highlights, as well as hear crazy stories from his teammates, coaches and THE FORMER GOVERNOR OF PENNSYLVANIA, but NFL Films kicked it up a notch. Through never-before-seen footage and interviews with ARKANSAS FRED (who currently has a very distinguished salt & pepper goatee), they revealed secret stuff about Randall that blew my mind in ways that no Hustler centerfold ever could. Obviously that last statement is a lie, but still, it was a really good documentary. Here were some of the highlights:

Randall Plays the Bongos 

Every Sunday at church -- a church that Randall founded and is also the head pastor of -- Randall Cunningham, former all-pro quarterback, plays the bongos. He actually sits on the alter, behind some sort of bulletproof glass, and plays the bongos. AND HE'S DEAD SERIOUS ABOUT IT. Just playin' the bongos, in front of his entire congregation, just bongo'ing away. The Ultimate Bongo.

Imagine having to explain to your friends that on every Sunday afternoon, you played the bongos.

"Hey Charlie, my wife was wondering if you and Rachel wanted to come over for brunch this Sunday? Haven't seen you guys in a while, would be nice to catch up. I think Marcie is gonna make French Toast or something."

"Uhhhhh, don't think I can make it, Steve. Playing the bongos."

"Aw really? That's too ba-- wait, what?"

"Playing the bongos, dude."

"What?"

"The bongos. I play the bongos."

"What does that even mean?"

"Every Sunday at church. I play the bongos."

"Yeah, I'm hearing the words that you're saying, but ..."

"Gotta go, dude. Bongos."

"What the hell just happened?"

That Jheri Curl

We all remember Randall's flattop, but I had totally forgotten about his Jheri Curl. I mean, look at that thing. It's beautiful. And so slippery. No wonder Dexter Manley could never tackle him. Randall's uniform was probably slathered in grease.

Now that 80s fashion has made a comeback -- with teenagers tight-rolling their jeans and snorting tons of cocaine -- do you think the Jheri Curl will return as well? Nerlens has brought back the flattop, and Michael Irvin has never stopped shaving lines in his head, but the only people still rocking a Jheri Curl are Pedro Martinez and my Aunt Roberta. And yo, my Aunt Roberta ROCKS that Jheri Curl. Michael Cage has to have a son somewhere, right? Eazy E? AC Green? (No.)

The Ultimate Handshake 

After that famous Monday Night game against the Giants in 1988 (the game where Randall bounced off of Carl Banks and threw that laser touchdown to Jimmie Giles (shout out Jimmie Giles!), they showed a clip of Randall and LT meeting at midfield for a postgame handshake. It was nothing too out of the ordinary, but it was amazing to see big, bad LT just walk right up to Randall, look him in the eyes and shake his hand like a goddamn warrior (and then ask him where he could score some sweet, Colombian blow). Randall had arrived. And LT gave him the ultimate sign of respect -- a feeling that I have never, ever experienced.

There were more clips and soundbites of NFC opponents marveling at Randall's abilities, too. Charles Mann tried to explain to teammates that he could easily beat the Eagles offensive linemen, but just couldn't get ahold of #12. Bill Belichick (then the Giants Defensive Coordinator) drew up schemes specifically designed to contain The Ultimate Bongo. 97-year-old Tom Landry gushed over Randall while collecting spittle all over his lips. Fascinating stuff.

Rich Kotite's Stupid Visor/Cigar Combo

Ugh, look at that guy's dumb face. Have you ever seen a dumber face? Singlehandedly ruined the most exciting team this city has ever seen. And what is up with that visor? THIS PICTURE WAS TAKEN AT TRAINING CAMP.

And I've never understood why people smoke cigars. They smell horrible. You don't inhale them. And along with docksiders, cufflinks and those blue collared business shirts with the white collars, they are pretty much The Ultimate Douche Magnet.

This is probably a good time to check out the Evster's rankings of the Worst All-Time People in Philadelphia Sports History.

5. Howard Eskin - At this point, the only way, and I mean the ONLY way that Eskin could ingratiate himself to Philly fans would be to put a diamond in his beard like that guy from Robbins 8th and Walnut.

4. Mr. Wonderful Paul Orndorf - I was at the Spectrum in 1987 when Hulk Hogan took on Kamala, and Orndorf (pretending to be Kamala's manager, AND ALSO HOGAN'S FRIEND) backstabbed the Hulkster and piledrove his head into the mat. It's not that I was necessarily angry at Orndorf for betraying the Hulkster, Hogan was clearly a dork, it was the fact that he ruined Kamala's chances of becoming the champ! Kamala was amazing! That painted crescent moon on his belly? So cute! RIP Kamala. The Ultimate Ugandan Headhunter. (I have no idea if he's dead.)

3. Chris Wheeler - Tell us more about why the Astros are playing at double play depth, Wheels. Please tell us more.

2. Rich Kotite - WHY COULDN'T YOU JUST LET RANDALL BE RANDALL

1. Shawn Bradley - A few months ago, I pitched a story to Enrico where I was just going to post "Ten Pictures of Shawn Bradley Sucking" and Enrico shot it down because he said it was too mean.

IF YOU WOULD LIKE THIS IDEA TO BE REVISITED, PLEASE EMAIL ENRICO AT TotalButtheadEditor@the700level.com.

Randall dated Whitney Houston?!

I don't know how I missed this one, but apparently back in the day, Randall and Whitney Houston spent a weekend together in the Caribbean. In the documentary, Randall claims they were just friends, but Randall is a LIAR. Back in 2012, former teammate Garry Cobb gossiped like a little teenager to Spike Eskin all about Randall and Whit's relationship. Now while it is unclear as to who is telling the truth and who is LYING, it is very clear that no one calls Whitney Houston, "Whit". Sorry, Whit. I have no idea why I called you Whit. RIP. (She's definitely dead.)

Randall's Yellow Turtleneck Sweater 

The picture above was taken on the set of the Randall Cunningham Show, a weekly talk show that was co-hosted by LOU TILLEY, RIP (he's not dead) and aired on gameday right before The Buddy Ryan Show. And while Randall's sweater is obviously incredible, can we talk about that suit of armor in the background?!?!

How did that get there? Was there some sort of production meeting where someone thought that was a good idea?

BIG TIME STUDIO EXEC: Hey folks, we need to figure out how to decorate Randall's set. Any ideas?

ANNOYING PRODUCER: Hmm, maybe some plants? Or we could hang up some sports posters in the back?

BIG TIME STUDIO EXEC: DON'T WASTE MY TIME.

PRODUCTION ASSISTANT: What about a cool cityscape?

BIG TIME STUDIO EXEC: WHAT ABOUT YOU LOOK FOR A NEW JOB?

INTERN: Um, I have a suit of armor at home. I could maybe bring that in?

BIG TIME STUDIO EXEC: WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?

INTERN: A suit of armor. Like, an actual suit of armor from the 1300's. I stole it from the Art Museum one night after getting absolutely blasted on cocaine. I feel like it would look really dope on the left hand side of the set.

BIG TIME STUDIO EXEC:  SOLD!

CUTE MAKEUP GIRL: [Smiles and winks at Intern.]

INTERN: [Blushes, and smiles back.]

CUTE MAKEUP GIRL: [Makes blowjob gesture.]

INTERN: [Howls like a wolf.]

Take that Jake the Snizzake!

Randy Moss Was So, So, So Good

Remember when he destroyed the Cowboys on Thanksgiving day?! STRAIGHT CASH HOMEY!

Highlights of Randall Cunningham Jr.

Yo, they didn't show nearly enough of little Randall, but that dude runs and throws EXACTLY like his father. He has the same looping arm motion and long strides and is also the nation's #1 high-jumper and I'm taking him in my fantasy keeper league next year and also DID YOU KNOW THAT THERE IS A SHAWN KEMP JR?!

(For the record, the above video is HILARIOUS. It was made by some little kid and he does a little intro explaining what you're about to see and it's honestly really adorable/so lame because the dunk is FAR from "amazing".)

Jenn Brown (WOWZERS) Co-hosted the Follow-up Show with Ray Diddles

I see you, Ray Diddles!

I see you!

Also, two N's in Jenn, Jenn? Get over yourself.

Follow The Evster @TVMWW.

Phillies will take a peek at Tim Tebow, mostly out of curiosity

Phillies will take a peek at Tim Tebow, mostly out of curiosity

CHICAGO — The Phillies will send a scout to watch Tim Tebow’s baseball showcase next Tuesday in Los Angeles.

Now, before you start clearing a space in your closet for a red-pinstriped Tebow jersey — you know, right next to the midnight green Tebow jersey — keep this in mind: the Phillies, and every other team that stops by Tebow’s workout, are merely practicing due diligence by taking a look at an accomplished athlete who long ago showed some baseball aptitude. Tebow’s chances of ever playing in a major-league game are extremely thin.

The former Heisman Trophy winner and two-time national championship quarterback from the University of Florida has not played baseball since 2005, his junior year in high school. He has been training as a baseball player for several months in Arizona. Next week’s showcase was arranged by Tebow’s representatives. Southern California is loaded with amateur baseball talent so many scouts live there. It makes sense that most teams would have a set of eyes on hand for curiosity if nothing else.

Tebow, who turned 29 earlier this month, was a left-handed hitting outfielder/pitcher in high school. He hit .494 with four homers and 30 RBIs as a junior at Nease High School in Ponte Vedra, Florida, before giving up baseball to focus on football. That was a good move as he enjoyed a storied run at Florida. But Tebow has not been able to stick in the NFL.

Tebow played for the Denver Broncos in 2010 and 2011 and the New York Jets in 2012. He attended training camp with the Eagles in 2015, but failed to make the team. He spent last year working as a broadcaster for ESPN.

Obviously, Tebow’s competitive juices still run hot. His athletic résumé alone will attract scouts to his baseball showcase, which, by the way, will be closed to the public.

Prosecutor says he doesn't believe Jerry Sandusky accuser's claim

ap-jerry-sandusky.jpg
AP

Prosecutor says he doesn't believe Jerry Sandusky accuser's claim

BELLEFONTE, Pa. -- A former Pennsylvania prosecutor testified Tuesday he does not believe a man who reached a settlement with Penn State over a molestation claim is the same person seen by a witness being abused by Jerry Sandusky in a university football team shower.

Joe McGettigan, a former prosecutor who is now a lawyer in private practice, took the stand as the final witness during three days of testimony in Sandusky's bid for dismissal of charges or a new trial.

McGettigan said his opinion about the man who claims to be the person described as Victim 2 in court records is based on changes in the man's story, that he appears too old to be the boy in the shower and that he did not provide certain details to investigators until after the man who witnessed the attack had given his own story in open court.

Sandusky's grounds for appeal include a claim that McGettigan lied when he said during closing argument that Victim 2 was known "to God but not to us."

McGettigan said he did not believe the man's claim to be Victim 2 at the time of Sandusky's 2012 trial.

"I did not then and I do not now," McGettigan said.

Graduate assistant Mike McQueary has testified he saw Sandusky abusing a boy inside a team shower late on a Friday night in early 2001, and reported the matter to then-head coach Joe Paterno and other top administrators.

Sandusky was convicted of 45 counts of abuse of 10 boys after eight of them testified against him -- but not Victim 2.

McGettigan said the man who settled with Penn State was born in 1987, so he would have been about 14 at the time, but McQueary described Victim 2 as being about 10. McGettigan said the man was unable to properly describe the location of the attack and drew a map of a locker room that was not accurate.

The man denied to police in September 2011 that any abuse occurred and gave the same statement to an investigator working for Sandusky's lawyers. But after McQueary testified in a related preliminary hearing, he hired a lawyer and changed his story, claiming to have been sexually abused. Neither the man nor Penn State has disclosed the precise nature of his claim against the university or said how much he was paid to settle it.

McGettigan said Sandusky, who attended all three days of the Post-Conviction Relief Act hearing, "could at any time have told any number of persons" the identity of Victim 2. "He declined to say so."

Another former state prosecutor, Jonelle Eshbach, testified that her office set up a sting after a March 2011 story in The Patriot-News of Harrisburg disclosed details of the grand jury investigation that led to Sandusky's arrest about seven months later.

She and her supervisor, Frank Fina, placed a fake notice within the prosecution agency's file about someone who had been subpoenaed and then watched to see if it would produce a story that would indicate a leak within the attorney general's office. She said no one took the bait.

Fina, the third person to testify Tuesday, said his doubts about the man's claim to be Victim 2 were based in part on early questions about when the McQueary incident occurred. At first, it was publicly reported to be 2002, which the man confirmed. Later it was determined to have been 2001.

"There was a possibility that (he) had conformed his testimony to Mr. McQueary's recollection of the date," Fina said.

Sandusky previously lost direct appeals to the state's Supreme and Superior courts. The current process, presided over by the trial judge, is under the Post-Conviction Relief Act and therefore limited to newly discovered evidence, constitutional violations and ineffective lawyering.

The judge did not say when he would rule but indicated there may be additional proceedings.

Wendell Smallwood 'really excited, ready to go' for NFL debut Saturday

Wendell Smallwood 'really excited, ready to go' for NFL debut Saturday

Eagles rookie running back Wendell Smallwood will finally make his NFL debut on Saturday. After missing out on the team’s first two preseason games with a quad injury, Smallwood can’t wait for his first action.

“I’m really excited, ready to go,” Smallwood said Tuesday. “It’s been a while since I’ve been in a game.”

Smallwood held out some hope that he would play against the Steelers, but said he never cleared the final hurdle.

“The trainers and coaches didn’t feel like I had my last burst,” he said. “I didn’t feel like I was up to full speed, I was about 85 percent running. I didn’t feel like I had that last gear … this week, I’m back to full speed.”

As he discussed last week, Smallwood has maintained his focus and tried to learn from watching his teammates while on the sidelines. Given his desire to impress as a rookie and the fact that he’s never missed a game before in his football career, that’s obviously been a challenge. Running backs coach Duce Staley and veterans like Darren Sproles understand that and have paid close attention to Smallwood’s development.

“Darren talks to me all the time about it, he asks me every day how I’m doing and what I need to do,” Smallwood said. “I think just having him and the other running backs in my corner is definitely a positive.”

One facet that Smallwood has been constantly working on is his pass-blocking knowledge. Offensive coordinator Frank Reich on Tuesday stressed the importance of all his backs being strong in pass protection, and said he was encouraged by Smallwood’s progress in that phase of the game.

“Even though he was a great runner in college, you could see glimpses of him in the passing game, you could see him in protection, that he was a willing blocker,” Reich said. “And he had the aptitude when you talked to him in the interviews and when you watch film with him, you can see that he gets it and he processes it, and that’s a very important part of it. So his continued progress to get on the field is going to have to come in the passing game, as well.”

Smallwood is pleased with his understanding of the Eagles’ pass-blocking schemes, but he knows he always has to be on his toes, just in case a question flies his way.

“I think I’ve been progressing very well with [pass blocking,]” Smallwood said. “Just learning techniques and learning the system, all the calls the line has, and I think I’ve picked it up. Duce throws random questions at me and I’m right on time with them, so I think I’m doing very well in that area.”

On Saturday, he’ll be dealing with more than questions; Smallwood will have to pick up linebackers and safeties trying to hit his quarterback. He’s looking forward to it.

DL Martin (knee) day to day
Defensive lineman Mike Martin is another Eagle who has been frustrated by a lingering leg injury.

Like Smallwood, Martin has yet to play in the preseason. Since twisting his knee several weeks ago in training camp, Martin has mostly been on the sidelines. Now he’s back to practice, though Martin said he’s “just easing back into it, not trying to throw myself in there hard right off the bat.”

It seems unlikely that Martin will play against the Colts. While he classified his situation as “a day-by-day thing right now,” it’s hard to imagine him going from “easing back into it” to the heat of an NFL game.

While he’s been out, Martin, a third-round draft pick by the Titans in 2012, has aimed to learn as much as he can.

“Anytime you miss time and can’t be out there, it sucks, but I’ve been in my book and haven’t missed much on the mental side of it,” he said. “Every day I’m just trying to pick up where I left off.”

Once he returns, Martin can’t wait to play in Jim Schwartz’s defense and create chaos for opposing offenses along with Fletcher Cox, Bennie Logan and his other talented teammates on the defensive line.

“[This defense] is just an attack style, which is really great for me,” Martin said. “That’s the type of player I am and it fits me perfectly.”