The Evster's Guide to Hating the Bears

The Evster's Guide to Hating the Bears

This is an actual person.

When I say, "KILL!" you say, "BEARS!"

KILL!

BEARS!

KILL!

Welllllllllllll, I sort of really like bears. Both the animal and the football team. They're so furry and cuddly, and have never changed their helmets, and even though Philly fans are supposed to be the ANGRIEST fans around, it's kinda hard to hate a city where there's so much encased meat.

Truth is, Chicago is a pretty cool place with a pretty lovable football team. From Ferris Bueller and deep dish pizza to the Superbowl Shuffle and my main man Dick Butkus, the Windy City is my kinda town. I know, I know, Oprah Winfrey's a B, but the '86 Bears got Buddy Ryan a ring.

But this is Philadelphia! And we're supposed to hate stuff! I guess we could make fun of Jay Cutler? but he's low hanging fruit. His fat, stupid face is too easy a target. There's gotta be some other Bears who deserve to be drilled with a Duracell.

Well have no fear, fellow sociopaths! I have figured it out! After doing some online research, I have dug up enough dirt on this year's Bears to put the '93 Cowboys to shame. The current Bears roster is LOADED with jerkoffs, and the biggest jerkoff around (me!) is here to convince you to hate 'em.

So sit back, relax, and get to know this Sunday's victims -- a bunch of dirty Midwestern scumbags who are gonna get BONED!

Are you ready for this? Butthead safety Chris Conte's grandfather, Richard Conte, was an actor in The Godfather! Oh my God what a dork! Who would ever want to... wait, that's actually pretty cool. I mean, that's really cool. The guy was in The Godfather. Maybe the greatest movie of all time. I can't hate someone who was in The Godfather. Yentl, maybe, but not The Godfather.

Conte's grandfather played Don Barzini, the guy who killed Sonny! and even though he was a major villain in the movie, he was still in the movie! Much cooler than anything my grandfather ever did. My grandfather was best known for having completely hairless shins. The rest of his body? COVERED in hair. But below his knees, dude was as bald as a goose. RIP Grandpa, you lotion-loving son of a bitch.

Let's move on!

And are geese even bald?

According to Wikipedia, before Devin Hester was a teenager, his mother was severely injured in a car accident and then his father died of cancer. OMG that's horrible! Devin then went into a deep depression until he was introduced to football, which lifted his spirits and ultimately helped him get his life back together. He later went on to earn a scholarship to Miami, became the game's greatest return man, and for some stupid reason has not yet been featured in an ESPN 30 for 30. It's no wonder why he's one of Chicago's most popular athletes. The guy is like 5 foot 2! AND HE'S ADORBS.

This past summer, Devin raced a live cheetah during a National Geographic television special. Take a second to read that last sentence again: the guy raced A LIVE CHEETAH during a National Geographic television special. You can watch the video here, and even though I have no idea what was going on during the race (it was really more of a shuttle run), the sheer fact that Devin agreed to do it shows what a sweet guy he is.

This is not going well!

Not going well at all!

Onto the next jerk!

Brandon Marshall. Oh this should be good, this should be real good. This guy's got a rap sheet longer than the Mississippi Riv. Okay, turns out that Brandon suffers from Borderline Personality Disorder, a very serious and complex mental disorder that can stem from being neglected, abused or even abandoned as a child. OH C'MON! Marshall says he has been troubled with symptoms his entire adult life, but only recently has he learned to effectively deal with his emotions. Other folks who have been diagnosed with BPD include Mike Tyson, Darth Vader and my next-door neighbor Donald, who as I type this is attempting to eat my mailbox.

Geez Louize, isn't there anyone on this team worth hating?!

Even their coach, Marc Trestman, has a rags to riches story. He started off as a volunteer assistant at the University of Miami, bounced around football for over 30 years (while getting a law degree along the way) and most recently coached in the CANADIAN FOOTBALL LEAGUE before getting his shot as an NFL head coach.

WHATEVER, DUDE.

NO ONE'S IMPRESSED WITH YOUR UNDENIABLE WORK ETHIC.

GET OVER YOURSELF.

Ugh, who am I kidding? I love Da Bears. Soldier Field is amazing. Neal Anderson's mouthpiece was enormous. THEY EVEN HAVE A JEWISH PUNTER. And have you ever had Garrett's popcorn?! We haven't even brought up Bill Murray yet!!!

I guess all we can ask for this Sunday night is a hard-fought game (but not too hard!) filled with kindhearted sportsmanship. No personal fouls, no sad game-ending missed field goals, and please, PLEASE, let's not see anyone leap up for a pass and tear both their ACLs. I think I'm hoping for a 16-16 tie, with a Dallas loss coming earlier in the day. If the Eagles win, I hope Brandon Marshall's okay. He's very, very fragile. I also wouldn't mind seeing Jay Cutler end up with some sort of brain injury or suffer massive internal bleeding.

Follow The Evster @TVMWW.

Eagles Stay or Go Part 6: Taylor Hart to Donnie Jones

Eagles Stay or Go Part 6: Taylor Hart to Donnie Jones

In the sixth of our 12-part offseason series examining the future of the Eagles, Reuben Frank and Dave Zangaro give their opinions on who will be and who won't be on the roster in 2017. We go alphabetically — part 6 is Hart to Jones.

Taylor Hart

Roob: No matter how hard the Eagles try, they just can't get rid of Taylor Hart. Chip Kelly drafted Hart in the fifth round in 2014 and then Hart began last season with Kelly in San Francisco before reappearing here later in the season. Hart is going into his fourth NFL season and has 15 games, 12 tackles and no sacks to show for it. He turns 26 next month and has never shown any signs of being a guy who can contribute in a 4-3 defense. I’m going to say he goes, but don't be surprised if he finds his way back onto the roster at some point. 

Verdict: GOES

Dave: Hart was with the Eagles last training camp but cut him on Sept. 4 and he was claimed by the 49ers and Chip Kelly. Then when the Niners cut him, the Eagles claimed him back and he spent the rest of the season watching the Eagles play football. He was inactive in all but the last game and in that one he didn’t play. Hart is a former fifth-round pick who just fits better in a 3-4. The Eagles already played undrafted rookie Destiny Vaeao over him, so it’s time to set him free. 

Verdict: GOES

Jordan Hicks
Cap hit: $796K

Roob: Whenever you blast Chip for getting rid of Shady, DeSean and Jeremy Maclin, you have to mention that he did draft Jordan Hicks in the third round. Hicks, in just 24 games, has become one of the most productive playmaking linebackers in Eagles history. With seven interceptions, he already has the 11th-most interceptions in franchise history by a linebacker, and he led all NFL linebackers with five INTs this past season. Only four linebackers in NFL history have had more interceptions in their first two seasons – Hall of Famer Jack Ham is one of them. But Hicks is more than a ballhawk. He’s a smart, heady linebacker who is stout at the point of attack and is already developing into a terrific locker room leader as well. The future is certainly bright for Hicks.

Verdict: STAYS

Dave: He just finished his second year in the NFL, but Hicks is quickly becoming one of the biggest playmaking linebackers in the league. Through the first 24 games of his career, he has seven interceptions. In his first two years, he has 7 INTs, 4 FRs, 1 FF. He’s the fifth player in NFL history to do that in his first two seasons and he’s the only linebacker. That said, Hicks needs to get better against the run and he knows it. Now that he won’t have an injury to heal from this offseason, he plans on hitting the weight room to get stronger and better at stopping the run. He looks like a cornerstone of the franchise. 

Verdict: STAYS

Malcolm Jenkins
Cap hit: $7.5M

Roob: Jenkins had another good year in his third season with the Eagles, although not quite up to his Pro Bowl level of 2015. Jenkins, who turns 30 late next season, is on the books for another four years with some pretty high cap figures — $7.5 million in 2017, then $10 million, $9.75 million and $9.25 million. But as long as Jenkins continues to play at a high level, I don’t see him going anywhere until after the 2018 season at the earliest, when he would count just $3 million in dead money if he’s released. But Jenkins is a guy you'd like to see finish his career in Philly. Hope that happens. 

Verdict: STAYS

Dave: It’s hard to quantify just how much Jenkins means to the Eagles or how much he’s worth. But it’s a lot. The last two seasons have been the best of his career and he’s shown no signs of slowing down. The best Jenkins stat is this: He’s missed just eight defensive snaps since arriving in 2013. Unreal. If the Eagles chose to play him at cornerback last year, he would have probably been their best one. 

Verdict: STAYS

Lane Johnson
Cap hit: $10M

Roob: If he goes, it’ll be because of a third positive drug test. Johnson’s play in the six games he was available to the Eagles was at an All-Pro level. But after two positive tests for banned substances and suspensions of four games in 2014 and 10 games in 2016, he’s now one positive test away from a two-year ban that would essentially end his Eagles career. My gut feeling is Johnson has learned his lesson and won’t take any more chances. That he understands what’s at stake here and isn’t going to risk his career by taking a supplement that hasn’t been pre-tested and cleared. Obviously there are other reasons the Eagles were 5-1 when Johnson played. Those five wins included games against the hapless Browns and Bears and a win against a Cowboys team that wasn’t trying to win. But that said, Johnson’s value is clear. He's a beast. It’s up to Johnson whether he becomes a Pro Bowl offensive tackle or a casualty of the NFL’s substance abuse regulations. I can’t imagine he’ll make the same mistake again.

Verdict: STAYS

Dave: A lot was made about Johnson’s suspension voiding the guaranteed portion of his contract. And for a week or so, a bunch of fans were calling into talk radio saying the Eagles should cut him. That was laughable. Johnson is still the Eagles’ best offensive player and as long as he stays on the field and plays the way he did in 2016, he’s going to make most of the money in his contract. He obviously deserves plenty of blame for the way last season went, but he’s a big piece of the future. One more suspension and his career is basically over, so the Eagles just have to hope he doesn’t ruin everything.  

Verdict: STAYS

Marcus Johnson

Roob: Johnson is an interesting guy. Ran a 4.37 so he has wheels, but he didn’t have much of a career at Texas. Then again, Texas didn’t have a legit quarterback while he was there so maybe there’s a lot of untapped potential. The Eagles are so desperate for help at wide receiver they’ll take a good long look at everybody on the roster, even a guy who bounced off and on the practice squad last year. This Longhorn is a longshot to make the roster, but then again, if he catches the football consistently in training camp he’ll give himself a fighting chance.

Verdict: GOES

Dave: The receiver was with the Eagles during training camp and flashed some before getting hurt. He joined the practice squad during the season and was there at season’s end. He’ll be brought to camp but is a longshot to make the roster. 

Verdict: GOES

Donnie Jones
Cap hit: $1.25M

Roob: At 36 years old, the greatest punter in Eagles history (sorry Mat McBriar) showed no signs of slowing down. In his 13th NFL season, Jones averaged 45.8 yards per punt with a 40.7 net – both above his career highs. The most amazing thing about Jones is his knack for dropping punts inside the 20 without hitting very many touchbacks. He had 21 inside the 20 this year with just six touchbacks, and in four seasons with the Eagles he has 117 inside the 20 with just 26 touchbacks. When you don’t have an explosive offense, field position is critical, and Jones is a human field position flipping machine. The Eagles signed him to a three-year extension this year, and he’s now under contract through 2019.

Verdict: STAYS

Dave: At times during the last two seasons, Jones has looked like the offense’s best weapon. That’s not a good sign for the offense, but it is for Jones. He’s already the best punter in team history. He’ll be 37 by the time the 2017 season starts, but he just signed a contract and will be the team’s punter for at least a couple more years if everything goes to plan. 

Verdict: STAYS