The Evster's Guide to Hating the Bears

The Evster's Guide to Hating the Bears

This is an actual person.

When I say, "KILL!" you say, "BEARS!"

KILL!

BEARS!

KILL!

Welllllllllllll, I sort of really like bears. Both the animal and the football team. They're so furry and cuddly, and have never changed their helmets, and even though Philly fans are supposed to be the ANGRIEST fans around, it's kinda hard to hate a city where there's so much encased meat.

Truth is, Chicago is a pretty cool place with a pretty lovable football team. From Ferris Bueller and deep dish pizza to the Superbowl Shuffle and my main man Dick Butkus, the Windy City is my kinda town. I know, I know, Oprah Winfrey's a B, but the '86 Bears got Buddy Ryan a ring.

But this is Philadelphia! And we're supposed to hate stuff! I guess we could make fun of Jay Cutler? but he's low hanging fruit. His fat, stupid face is too easy a target. There's gotta be some other Bears who deserve to be drilled with a Duracell.

Well have no fear, fellow sociopaths! I have figured it out! After doing some online research, I have dug up enough dirt on this year's Bears to put the '93 Cowboys to shame. The current Bears roster is LOADED with jerkoffs, and the biggest jerkoff around (me!) is here to convince you to hate 'em.

So sit back, relax, and get to know this Sunday's victims -- a bunch of dirty Midwestern scumbags who are gonna get BONED!

Are you ready for this? Butthead safety Chris Conte's grandfather, Richard Conte, was an actor in The Godfather! Oh my God what a dork! Who would ever want to... wait, that's actually pretty cool. I mean, that's really cool. The guy was in The Godfather. Maybe the greatest movie of all time. I can't hate someone who was in The Godfather. Yentl, maybe, but not The Godfather.

Conte's grandfather played Don Barzini, the guy who killed Sonny! and even though he was a major villain in the movie, he was still in the movie! Much cooler than anything my grandfather ever did. My grandfather was best known for having completely hairless shins. The rest of his body? COVERED in hair. But below his knees, dude was as bald as a goose. RIP Grandpa, you lotion-loving son of a bitch.

Let's move on!

And are geese even bald?

According to Wikipedia, before Devin Hester was a teenager, his mother was severely injured in a car accident and then his father died of cancer. OMG that's horrible! Devin then went into a deep depression until he was introduced to football, which lifted his spirits and ultimately helped him get his life back together. He later went on to earn a scholarship to Miami, became the game's greatest return man, and for some stupid reason has not yet been featured in an ESPN 30 for 30. It's no wonder why he's one of Chicago's most popular athletes. The guy is like 5 foot 2! AND HE'S ADORBS.

This past summer, Devin raced a live cheetah during a National Geographic television special. Take a second to read that last sentence again: the guy raced A LIVE CHEETAH during a National Geographic television special. You can watch the video here, and even though I have no idea what was going on during the race (it was really more of a shuttle run), the sheer fact that Devin agreed to do it shows what a sweet guy he is.

This is not going well!

Not going well at all!

Onto the next jerk!

Brandon Marshall. Oh this should be good, this should be real good. This guy's got a rap sheet longer than the Mississippi Riv. Okay, turns out that Brandon suffers from Borderline Personality Disorder, a very serious and complex mental disorder that can stem from being neglected, abused or even abandoned as a child. OH C'MON! Marshall says he has been troubled with symptoms his entire adult life, but only recently has he learned to effectively deal with his emotions. Other folks who have been diagnosed with BPD include Mike Tyson, Darth Vader and my next-door neighbor Donald, who as I type this is attempting to eat my mailbox.

Geez Louize, isn't there anyone on this team worth hating?!

Even their coach, Marc Trestman, has a rags to riches story. He started off as a volunteer assistant at the University of Miami, bounced around football for over 30 years (while getting a law degree along the way) and most recently coached in the CANADIAN FOOTBALL LEAGUE before getting his shot as an NFL head coach.

WHATEVER, DUDE.

NO ONE'S IMPRESSED WITH YOUR UNDENIABLE WORK ETHIC.

GET OVER YOURSELF.

Ugh, who am I kidding? I love Da Bears. Soldier Field is amazing. Neal Anderson's mouthpiece was enormous. THEY EVEN HAVE A JEWISH PUNTER. And have you ever had Garrett's popcorn?! We haven't even brought up Bill Murray yet!!!

I guess all we can ask for this Sunday night is a hard-fought game (but not too hard!) filled with kindhearted sportsmanship. No personal fouls, no sad game-ending missed field goals, and please, PLEASE, let's not see anyone leap up for a pass and tear both their ACLs. I think I'm hoping for a 16-16 tie, with a Dallas loss coming earlier in the day. If the Eagles win, I hope Brandon Marshall's okay. He's very, very fragile. I also wouldn't mind seeing Jay Cutler end up with some sort of brain injury or suffer massive internal bleeding.

Follow The Evster @TVMWW.

Yeah, Joel Embiid is healthy

Yeah, Joel Embiid is healthy

Have any doubts about Joel Embiid's health?

Well take a look at this. 

Working on rips into quick spins with the brodie @joelembiid! #100skills100days #unseenhours @adidashoops

A video posted by Drew Hanlen (@drewhanlen) on

How about now?

Of course, this isn't live NBA action, and it is against 5-11 Drew Hanlen, a skills coach and consultant, but it's impressive nonetheless.

 

Charles Barkley: Sixers can be 'really good, really quickly'

Charles Barkley: Sixers can be 'really good, really quickly'

Charles Barkley is jumping on the Sixers bandwagon.

"I think the Sixers gonna get really good, really quickly, but it all depends on (Joel) Embiid," Barkley said. "They're not gonna win a championship the next couple years, but I think they can really become a perrenial playoff team in the next three years."

Sounds good, right? Not so fast. There are a lot of "ifs" according to Barkley. 

Most of those "ifs" ride on the health of center Joel Embiid. If the big man gets healthy, and the Sixers can resolve the "glutton of big guys," Barkley likes the Sixers chances.

"I think the most important thing they need to figure out is if Joel Embiid is going to be healthy. ... I like (Jahlil) Okafor and I like (Nerlens) Noel, but they gotta figure out if Joel Embiid is going to be healthy. 

"I like Ben Simmons, but that team's got a long way to go," Barkley said.

To hear more of Barkley's thoughts on the Sixers' future, watch the full video above. 

 

 

Sources: Eagles to sign former Villanova LB Don Cherry and former Alabama S Nick Perry

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The Associated Press

Sources: Eagles to sign former Villanova LB Don Cherry and former Alabama S Nick Perry

The Eagles have a serious depth problem at linebacker, and they're looking at a local prospect to try to fix it. 

The team will sign former Villanova linebacker Don Cherry on Sunday, pending a physical, a league source told CSNPhilly.com. ESPN's Adam Caplan first reported the deal.

Cherry, 21, first signed with the Bears after going undrafted in the spring, but was cut by Chicago in June. 

The 6-1, 240-pound Cherry was an All-CAA selection as a sophomore, junior and senior. During his time on the Main Line, he was credited with 331 tackles, 46 1/2 tackles for loss, 14 sacks, seven forced fumbles, two fumble recoveries and an interception. 

Even with Cherry, the Eagles are still light in the depth department at linebacker. After starters Mychal Kendricks, Jordan Hicks and Nigel Bradham, the team has Najee Goode, Deontae Skinner, seventh-rounder Joe Walker and a couple of other undrafted free agents. 

After cutting wideout Jonathan Krause on Friday, the Eagles had three vacancies on their 90-man roster. They're filling another of those openings with former Alabama safety Nick Perry, according to a league source. The perry deal was first reported by Al.com's Matt Zenitz. The 6-1, 211-pound Perry spent last season on the Ravens' practice squad after going undrafted in 2015. 

Eagles training camp kicks off Monday, and the first full-team practice is Thursday.