The Evster's Super Bowl Punter Breakdown

The Evster's Super Bowl Punter Breakdown

This year, Demaryious Thomas led the Broncos with 92 catches for 1,430 yards and 14 touchdowns, but do you know how many punts he had land inside the 20? ZERO. In the NFC Championship game, Russell Wilson threw a go-ahead 4th-quarter touchdown, but where was he when the Seahawks were forced to punt on 4th and 1 from their own 25? HOLDIN' A CLIPBOARD. The media can analyze Peyton's play-calling all week long, but who's gonna pooch that baby into Coffin Corner when it's time to pin the Seahawks deep? NOT ELVIS DUMERVIL, THAT'S FO SHO. Mainly because he doesn't play for the Broncos anymore, but whatever.

In the past 25 Super Bowls, the team whose punter had a higher punting average has won EVERY SINGLE TIME. Now granted, there is no validity to that statement whatsoever. None. I totally made it up. But the fact remains that punters are hilarious, so let's get to know this year's Big Game Blasters.

source: sportspressnw.com

This is Seahawks punter, Jon Ryan. A simple man with a simple name. Jon grew up in Regina, Saskatchewan (that's in Canada!) where he learned to punt by playing football, and practicing punting, and I dunno, what'd you expect for him to grow up kicking moose? After starring at THE U(niversity of Regina), Jon was selected by the Winnipeg Blue Bombers in the third-round of the 2004 CFL draft. In Winnipeg, he averaged 50.6 yards per punt, that's FIVE OH POINT SIX (a stat I did NOT make up!), which propelled Jon and his enormous neck to later sign with the Green Bay Packers. Two years later, he ended up in Seattle where he and his neck are currently thriving. Seriously, look at that thing. Very little razor burn for a man with such fair skin. The man has the neck of a rhinoceros. I don't know if rhinoceroses are native to Canada, but I'd bet my house on the fact that Jon is at least part rhino. I also do not own a house. Nor do I know exactly what a rhinoceros looks like.

source: themoderngladiator.com

This is Broncos punter, Britton Colquitt -- yep, Britton -- posing with his gorgeous family. Besides being married to a model (who he has impregnated TWICE), Britton is the highest paid punter in the NFL. A native of Knoxville, Britton earned a scholarship to the University of Tennessee where he was later kicked off the team after being charged with DUI and fleeing the scene of an accident. Even though both Britton and his wife are excellent squatters, I think they're only doing it so they don't get grass stains on their fancy designer jeans. Regardless, I imagine her hair smells fantastic.

source: seahawks.com

This is what Jon Ryan used to look like. Obviously a little ridiculous (but still awesome). I'll let you decide as to whether or not this guy could eat a whole box of waffles.

source: govolsxtra.com

This is what Britton used to look like. Bowl Cut City. He's the one on the right, giving his brother Dustin the world's lamest Heimlich maneuver. (For the record, I just googled "Heimlich" to see if I spelled it correctly and found out that the Heimlich was invented by a guy named HARRY HEIMLICH! Again, not making that up!)

Dustin Colquitt is also an NFL punter, for the Kansas City Chiefs. In fact, the Colquitts belong to a punting dynasty. Britton's father Craig -- the guy who named his son Britton -- won two Super Bowls in the 70's punting for the Steelers. His Uncle Jimmy (who doesn't have an Uncle Jimmy?!) punted for the Seahawks in 1985, and his younger cousin Greg currently punts at Tennessee Tech. Also, Britton's mother Ann is a fantastic seamstress.

source: denver.sbnation.com

She even has one blue sleeve and one red one.

That's pretty impressive.

source: sbnation.com

This past October, Jon-Jon got absolutely blasted by a dude on the Colts while attempting to make a touchdown-saving tackle. I sort of don't like gif's, they make me dizzy, but I cannot stop watching this one. He seriously keeps getting blasted. In real life, he only got blasted once, but here, he just keeps getting blasted and blasted and blasted.

Like even now, even though I started a new paragraph, he's still getting blasted.

This is honestly sad.

Let's move further down the page so we don't have to keep watching Jon get blasted.

source: stylemepretty.com

This might be even harder to look at.

A photo of Britton having his face caressed by his beautiful fertile wife. I cannot believe how sensual she is. Like a young Juan Pablo. I'm about to barf all over the place.

Amazingly, you ain't seen nothing yet.

Check this out:

source: stylemepretty.com

OH MY GOD HERE COMES THE BARF.

So many Dockers!

These are real people. Real khaki pants-wearing, linen clothes-having people. And they actually own this clothing! Like, they purchased it! With money!

Also, that kinda looks like Jon Ryan standing next to Britton -- only like a miniature version of him. By the way, here are the official Evster Hershey's Miniature rankings: 1) Krackel, obvs  2) Mr. G-bar  3) Hershey's origj  4) Special Dark (also obvs).

source: @JonRyan9

In Jon's spare time, he volunteers at his local Starbucks. This picture was taken as part of fundraiser to support A Better Seattle, a program set up to help at-risk youth. Personally, I think Starbucks and their $17 coffees are ridiculous, and it doesn't matter how at-risk kids are, I'm not spending my hard-earned money on a cup of warm milk.

Seriously, there could be children hanging off the Space Needle, with killer fish from Pike Place Market being thrown in their faces, and I still would not buy a Starbucks vanilla soy latte. Then again, Starbucks does have some pretty good scones -- and I think I still have some money left on a gift card I got this winter -- so I might head down there as soon as I'm done writing this.

I mean, this seems like a good time to end this post anyway. By now you have to know who you're rooting for this Sunday.

source: seafense.blogspot.com

No big deal, just a guy dressed up like the Big Unit.

source: twicsy.com

Just squashing a dude's vertebrae.

Prediction: Jon-Jon's Seahawks 52, Brittony's Broncos 9

Follow The Evster @TVMWW

Eagles head coach Doug Pederson talks protesting anthem, Myke Tavarres doesn't

Eagles head coach Doug Pederson talks protesting anthem, Myke Tavarres doesn't

A day after flip-flopping on whether or not he planned to stand or sit during the national anthem, Myke Tavarres had nothing to say about this complex issue.

Tavarres, a rookie undrafted linebacker with the Eagles, told ESPN on Monday he planned to emulate 49ers quarterback Colin Kaepernick and sit during the playing of the national anthem Thursday night prior to the Eagles’ preseason game against the Jets at The Linc.

Tavarres said he wanted to draw attention to racial inequality and social injustice with the demonstration.

"We’ve got an issue in this country in this day and age, and I feel like somebody needs to step up and we all need to step up,” Tavares  told ESPN.

But within a couple hours, Tavarres had changed his mind.

“Make plans on standing for the national anthem,” his agent said in a statement. “Myke does not want to be a distraction to the Philadelphia Eagles organization. Mike’s goal is and will always be to make the Eagles’ 53-man roster and help the team win a Super Bowl.”

Kaepernick, who four years ago led the 49ers to the Super Bowl, spoke for 18 1/2 minutes about his decision to sit during the Star-Spangled Banner.

Tavarres said at his locker after practice Tuesday he had nothing more to say.

“I made a statement through my agent last night,” he said. “If you have any other questions, please talk to him.”

Head coach Doug Pederson said he did not talk individually to Tavarres, a fringe prospect who is unlikely to survive this weekend’s roster cuts.

But he did discuss the broader issue in a meeting with the full team and said he believes his players should stand during the anthem.

“Listen, I can appreciate everybody's opinions and I respect everybody's opinions,” Pederson said.

“But at the same time, I feel that [the national anthem] is important and it's obviously out of respect for the men and women of our country that sacrifice in order for us to coach and play this great game.

“So I get it. I understand it. But at the same time, I encourage everybody to stand.”

If not yet suspended, Lane Johnson would start at RT in opener

If not yet suspended, Lane Johnson would start at RT in opener

The Eagles are just 12 days away from the season opener against the Browns. 

And Lane Johnson still isn't suspended. 

The Eagles' starting right tackle is facing a 10-game PED suspension once the B sample returns and shows the same peptide from an amino acid that his A sample did. Johnson expects it to, but it hasn't happened yet. On Aug. 13, after news broke about the looming suspension, Johnson said he thought the results from the B sample back in two to three weeks, although there's no set timetable.  

… Nothing yet. 

So, at what point do the Eagles, who shifted the offensive line in anticipation of the suspension, have to plan for Johnson to be active for the opener? 

"[That’s] a great question, and this is something that we wrestle with every day," head coach Doug Pederson said. "The conversations are such that we've got to have – especially offensively – just have a plan ready to go. 

"I'll tell you this: If he's ready to go, then he's our guy." 

Since news of the impending suspension broke, Johnson has been working with the second team at right tackle. To replace him, the team moved Allen Barbre from left guard to right tackle and inserted rookie Isaac Seumalo at left guard. He stayed there until an injury forced Stefen Wisniewski into the lineup. 

If there's no suspension and Johnson is able to play in the opener, things would then shift back. Johnson would take his job at right tackle, and Barbre would go back to left guard, sending Seumalo and/or Wisniewski to the bench. 

"I think he had a tremendous camp and tremendous offseason at left guard, and you kind of put the pieces back in place," Pederson said of Barbre. "We've seen enough from the [G] Isaacs [Semualo] and [C/G Stefen] Wisniewskis, and [G/T] Allen [Barbre] over there at right tackle that we know we've got the combination of guys – and ‘Big V’ [T Halapoulivaati Vaitai] got plenty of reps – to sustain this thing through the duration."

For now, though, the Eagles aren't treating Johnson like a starter. The veteran will be playing on Thursday in the preseason finale. It might be his last game until Nov. 28 against the Packers. Or not. 

The waiting game continues.  

Tonight's lineup: Ryan Howard starts despite awful numbers vs. Max Scherzer

Tonight's lineup: Ryan Howard starts despite awful numbers vs. Max Scherzer

Despite having awful career numbers against Max Scherzer, Ryan Howard is in the Phillies' lineup against him Tuesday night.

Howard, 1 for 18 with 11 strikeouts against the Nationals' ace, bats fourth. 

Howard seems to be coming back to Earth. He hit .357 with seven home runs, four doubles and 16 RBIs in his first 20 games out of the All-Star break, but has gone 2 for 16 with two singles and eight strikeouts since.

Jimmy Paredes gets another start in left field. Peter Bourjos is out of the lineup for a fourth straight game.

The rest of the lineup is standard. Odubel Herrera, who bats second, is 6 for 19 with five walks in his career against Scherzer (see game notes).

1. Cesar Hernandez, 2B
2. Odubel Herrera, CF
3. Maikel Franco, 3B
4. Ryan Howard, 1B
5. Cameron Rupp, C
6. Aaron Altherr, RF
7. Jimmy Paredes, LF
8. Freddy Galvis, SS
9. Jerad Eickhoff, P