The Evster's Super Bowl Punter Breakdown

The Evster's Super Bowl Punter Breakdown

This year, Demaryious Thomas led the Broncos with 92 catches for 1,430 yards and 14 touchdowns, but do you know how many punts he had land inside the 20? ZERO. In the NFC Championship game, Russell Wilson threw a go-ahead 4th-quarter touchdown, but where was he when the Seahawks were forced to punt on 4th and 1 from their own 25? HOLDIN' A CLIPBOARD. The media can analyze Peyton's play-calling all week long, but who's gonna pooch that baby into Coffin Corner when it's time to pin the Seahawks deep? NOT ELVIS DUMERVIL, THAT'S FO SHO. Mainly because he doesn't play for the Broncos anymore, but whatever.

In the past 25 Super Bowls, the team whose punter had a higher punting average has won EVERY SINGLE TIME. Now granted, there is no validity to that statement whatsoever. None. I totally made it up. But the fact remains that punters are hilarious, so let's get to know this year's Big Game Blasters.

source: sportspressnw.com

This is Seahawks punter, Jon Ryan. A simple man with a simple name. Jon grew up in Regina, Saskatchewan (that's in Canada!) where he learned to punt by playing football, and practicing punting, and I dunno, what'd you expect for him to grow up kicking moose? After starring at THE U(niversity of Regina), Jon was selected by the Winnipeg Blue Bombers in the third-round of the 2004 CFL draft. In Winnipeg, he averaged 50.6 yards per punt, that's FIVE OH POINT SIX (a stat I did NOT make up!), which propelled Jon and his enormous neck to later sign with the Green Bay Packers. Two years later, he ended up in Seattle where he and his neck are currently thriving. Seriously, look at that thing. Very little razor burn for a man with such fair skin. The man has the neck of a rhinoceros. I don't know if rhinoceroses are native to Canada, but I'd bet my house on the fact that Jon is at least part rhino. I also do not own a house. Nor do I know exactly what a rhinoceros looks like.

source: themoderngladiator.com

This is Broncos punter, Britton Colquitt -- yep, Britton -- posing with his gorgeous family. Besides being married to a model (who he has impregnated TWICE), Britton is the highest paid punter in the NFL. A native of Knoxville, Britton earned a scholarship to the University of Tennessee where he was later kicked off the team after being charged with DUI and fleeing the scene of an accident. Even though both Britton and his wife are excellent squatters, I think they're only doing it so they don't get grass stains on their fancy designer jeans. Regardless, I imagine her hair smells fantastic.

source: seahawks.com

This is what Jon Ryan used to look like. Obviously a little ridiculous (but still awesome). I'll let you decide as to whether or not this guy could eat a whole box of waffles.

source: govolsxtra.com

This is what Britton used to look like. Bowl Cut City. He's the one on the right, giving his brother Dustin the world's lamest Heimlich maneuver. (For the record, I just googled "Heimlich" to see if I spelled it correctly and found out that the Heimlich was invented by a guy named HARRY HEIMLICH! Again, not making that up!)

Dustin Colquitt is also an NFL punter, for the Kansas City Chiefs. In fact, the Colquitts belong to a punting dynasty. Britton's father Craig -- the guy who named his son Britton -- won two Super Bowls in the 70's punting for the Steelers. His Uncle Jimmy (who doesn't have an Uncle Jimmy?!) punted for the Seahawks in 1985, and his younger cousin Greg currently punts at Tennessee Tech. Also, Britton's mother Ann is a fantastic seamstress.

source: denver.sbnation.com

She even has one blue sleeve and one red one.

That's pretty impressive.

source: sbnation.com

This past October, Jon-Jon got absolutely blasted by a dude on the Colts while attempting to make a touchdown-saving tackle. I sort of don't like gif's, they make me dizzy, but I cannot stop watching this one. He seriously keeps getting blasted. In real life, he only got blasted once, but here, he just keeps getting blasted and blasted and blasted.

Like even now, even though I started a new paragraph, he's still getting blasted.

This is honestly sad.

Let's move further down the page so we don't have to keep watching Jon get blasted.

source: stylemepretty.com

This might be even harder to look at.

A photo of Britton having his face caressed by his beautiful fertile wife. I cannot believe how sensual she is. Like a young Juan Pablo. I'm about to barf all over the place.

Amazingly, you ain't seen nothing yet.

Check this out:

source: stylemepretty.com

OH MY GOD HERE COMES THE BARF.

So many Dockers!

These are real people. Real khaki pants-wearing, linen clothes-having people. And they actually own this clothing! Like, they purchased it! With money!

Also, that kinda looks like Jon Ryan standing next to Britton -- only like a miniature version of him. By the way, here are the official Evster Hershey's Miniature rankings: 1) Krackel, obvs  2) Mr. G-bar  3) Hershey's origj  4) Special Dark (also obvs).

source: @JonRyan9

In Jon's spare time, he volunteers at his local Starbucks. This picture was taken as part of fundraiser to support A Better Seattle, a program set up to help at-risk youth. Personally, I think Starbucks and their $17 coffees are ridiculous, and it doesn't matter how at-risk kids are, I'm not spending my hard-earned money on a cup of warm milk.

Seriously, there could be children hanging off the Space Needle, with killer fish from Pike Place Market being thrown in their faces, and I still would not buy a Starbucks vanilla soy latte. Then again, Starbucks does have some pretty good scones -- and I think I still have some money left on a gift card I got this winter -- so I might head down there as soon as I'm done writing this.

I mean, this seems like a good time to end this post anyway. By now you have to know who you're rooting for this Sunday.

source: seafense.blogspot.com

No big deal, just a guy dressed up like the Big Unit.

source: twicsy.com

Just squashing a dude's vertebrae.

Prediction: Jon-Jon's Seahawks 52, Brittony's Broncos 9

Follow The Evster @TVMWW

Vince Velasquez feels the heat in Phillies' Sunday loss to Pirates

Vince Velasquez feels the heat in Phillies' Sunday loss to Pirates

BOX SCORE

PITTSBURGH --- Vince Velasquez wasn’t able to stand the heat Sunday afternoon.

The game-time temperature was 89 degrees with humidity to match at PNC Park. The Phillies' right-hander admitted he didn’t handle the weather well.

"You're going to go through various conditions, and it's something that you've got to really take into consideration -- to really lock in, stay hydrated because it can mentally drain you,” Velasquez said. “It kind of took a toll on me but I have to make the best of what I've got.”

Velasquez wound up pitching six innings in the blistering heat but did not factor in the decision as the Pittsburgh Pirates beat the Phillies 5-4 on pinch-hitter Adam Frazier’s leadoff home run in the seventh inning, his first in the major leagues, off fellow rookie Edubray Ramos (see Instant Replay).

Velasquez had his worst of his five starts since coming off the disabled list June 26, allowing four runs and seven hits while walking four and striking out five. He threw 107 pitches, 64 for strikes.

In his first four outings after begin activated, he was 3-0 with a 1.88 ERA to raise his record to 8-2.

“Just looking at his body language, he showed that he was struggling to find the strike zone,” Phillies manager Pete Mackanin said. “He didn't have his best location. He did a good job; he just made a couple bad pitches when they scored the two runs. Obviously, he wasn't at his best, but he kept us in the game.”

While that kind of outing can breed confidence in a 24-year-old pitcher, Velasquez took no consolation in it. He was bothered about not being able to hold a 4-2 lead in the bottom of the sixth inning, giving up a tying two-run home run to Matt Joyce.

“I knew it was my last inning when I went out there and I have to be able to close it out there,” Velasquez said. “I’m disappointed in that. I need to be better in that situation.”

Joyce’s blast came on pitch after Starling Marte doubled on an 0-2 pitch. That, too, annoyed Velasquez.

“That's just a matter of finishing at-bats,” Velasquez said. “You've got to lock in on 0-2 counts when you're ahead. You've got to finish the at-bat. Knowing that that was my last inning, that's where you have to bear down and give it all you've got.”

Ramos then gave up the game-winning homer to Frazier an inning later, the first long ball given up by the 23-year-old right-hander in 14 career outings. The Phillies wound up losing two of three games in the series and are 3-7 since the All-Star break to drop to 10 games under .500 at 45-55 through 100 games.

“It’s a game we should have won but I put us in position to lose it,” Velasquez said.

Dallas Cowboys bus involved in fatal crash in Arizona

Dallas Cowboys bus involved in fatal crash in Arizona

KINGMAN, Ariz. -- Four people were killed Sunday when bus carrying Dallas Cowboys staffers but no players collided with a van on a northwestern Arizona highway.

The fatalities were passengers in the van, Arizona Department of Public Safety spokesman Quentin Mehr said. But the bus occupants emerged uninjured.

"All on the bus came through OK with some bumps and bruises," Cowboys spokesman Rich Dalrymple (DAHL'-rimp-ul) said in an email.

Dalrymple said the bus was only carrying members of the franchise's staff but would not say how many. There were no players on board.

The two vehicles collided in the afternoon on U.S. 93, about 30 miles north of the city of Kingman, according to DPS.

The crash shut down at least one lane of the highway that serves as the main route between Phoenix and Las Vegas.

The bus was on its way to a Dallas Cowboys fan event in Las Vegas. Charles Cooper, manager of GameWorks entertainment center in Vegas, said the session with 50 to 75 fans was scheduled for 3 p.m. PDT. People were already waiting when the president of a Las Vegas Cowboys fan club called to relay news of the accident. The event was subsequently canceled. Cooper says the team mascot was supposed to appear.

After the Las Vegas stop, the bus was scheduled to go on to Oxnard, California for the team's training camp. Members of the organization typically take a bus two weeks before the camp starts and make stops along the way.

Report: Phillies preparing for possible Jeremy Hellickson trade to Marlins

Report: Phillies preparing for possible Jeremy Hellickson trade to Marlins

Jeremy Hellickson may be staying in the NL East past the trade deadline. 

Ken Rosenthal of Fox Sports reported that the Phillies are scouting the Marlins' minor league teams in advance of a possible Hellickson deal. 

This comes on the heels of a report from a radio host in Miami that Marlins starter Wei-Yin Chen may need Tommy John surgery. Chen left with an elbow sprain during Wednesday's loss to the Phillies and was placed on the disabled list. Ironically, Chen was starting against Hellickson, who will face Jarred Cosart in place of Chen on Monday.

Hellickson's value rebounded significantly this season after struggling in Arizona and Tampa Bay the last few seasons. After dealing with a shoulder injury, Hellickson pitched to ERAs above 4.50 in each season from 2013-15, leading to the Diamondbacks trading him to the Phillies for limited value. 

However, in 20 starts, Hellickson, who will be a free agent after the year, has anchored the Phillies' rotation, bringing a 3.84 ERA over 119 ⅔ innings into Monday's scheduled start. He also has a nearly career-best strikeout rate and has regained his signature command that made him a strong performer with the Rays.

The Phillies are aided this trade deadline by a lack of starting pitching options available on the market. With many teams in contention looking for an additional starter, Hellickson is an attractive piece who could help a team in a pennant race.