The Evsters Super Bowl Special Teams Breakdown

The Evsters Super Bowl Special Teams Breakdown

Hey
SPORTS FAN, you think you’re ready for THE BIG GAME? You’ve got chili
on the stove, a full pack of Imodium, and the Puppy Bowl on DVR, but WHO
YA GONNA ROOT FOR? You GOTTA root for someone. You can’t not ROOT. This
is AMERICA. The land where puppies play FOOTBALL!

ON TELEVISION.

It’s
tough with these two teams -- there’s no clear underdog and there’s no
downright villain. Frank Gore is a G, but Jim Harbaugh is a tweedle. Ray
Rice is a bowling ball, but Ray Lewis is a dork. B-More killed Stringer
Bell, but San Fran birthed Uncle Joey. In the NFL, in tight situations
like this, it all comes down to special teams, which is why I’m picking
my squad based on punters.

You might be thinking, “Punters? Punters?
We sittin’ here, I’m supposed to be the franchise playa, and we in here
talkin’ bout punters?” You’re goddamn right we are, because as much as
you wanna analyze Colin Kaepernick’s scrambling ability, or the fact
that the Ravens like to GRIND IT OUT IN THE TRENCHES, everything in the
NFL comes down to FIELD POSITION. Cris Collinsworth, what are your keys
to the game? FIELD POSITION. Michael Oher, any advice for kids growing
up without socks? FIELD POSITION. Larry, what are two words that rhyme
with veal nutrition? SEAL PETITION.

Wrong!

FIELD POSITION.

Same answer as the previous three sentences!

Shoulda picked up on that!

So seeing as punters are the single most important players when it comes to SEAL PETITIONS FIELD POSITION, let’s get to know Andy Lee of the Niners, and Sam Koch from the Ravens.

This
is Andy Lee, punter for the San FranciscOH MY GOD LOOK AT THOSE EARS.
Those are his real ears. THOSE ARE HIS REAL EARS. I had planned to talk
about Andy’s college career at Pitt, and how he recently broke Reggie
Roby’s record for most 49er punting yards in a season, BUT HOLY MOSES
THOSE EARS.

This
man here -- this normal looking man with normal sized ears who could
very well be your next-door neighbor -- is Sam Koch, punter for the
Ravens. He wears a necklace.

Advantage: RAVENS

Andy
likes to hang out with dogs, which is cool, I like dogs, and these are
nice dogs, especially that dog on the right who is all, “Oh don’t mind
me, I’m just gonna put my paw on your knee, just a dog showing some
affection to his owner, no big deal,” but what is up with Andy wearing
jeans with flip-flops??? C’mon Andy! You can’t do that! Jeans with
flip-flops? That’s unacceptable!

Those are really nice dogs, though.

BUT, STILL.

Sam
on the other hand hangs out with his Ravens teammates -- because this
dude’s got MAD LOCKER ROOM CRED. Even the guy who once stabbed someone
is bout it bout it. Probably because Sam doesn’t look like a total
weirdo. This picture is honestly fascinating, I never knew football
players even acknowledged punters let alone stood on chairs to make this
a THREE TIERED PICTURE! Check out the dude kneeling in the front right,
though. Why is he the only Raven whose shirt is completely covered in
sweat? That dude is DRENCHED.

Advantage: RAVENS

Andy’s
from South Carolina, where people use ice cream scoopers to dish out
mashed potatoes. According to Wikipedia, during his senior year of high
school Andy averaged 42.8 yards per punt, which ranked him as the 33rd
best punter in South Cackalack by something called “SuperPrep.” This
leads me to believe one of two things: either SuperPrep has NO IDEA how
to rank punters, or South Carolina has BY FAR the greatest punters in
the country! Dude, 42.8 yards a punt? For a high school kid? That’s
pretty good! The punter from my high school team used to routinely punt
the ball off his shin. We called him Shinkicker Jones. I faintly
remember Shinkicker Jones once shinning the ball right in his own face.
Pretty sure that guy now sells life insurance. He might even have a
website.

Sam
walked on at Nebraska, and in 2005 made the Big 12 Commissioner’s
Academic HONOR ROLL during the Spring AND Fall semesters. SPRING AND
FALL. While you were sleeping through Statistics class and not doing
laundry, this guy was getting straight As AND booming balls in through
the Alamo Bowl ROOF. In 2005’s bowl game, Sam just so happend to post a
51.5-YARD AVERAGE on 8 punts against mighty Michigan (HAIL TO THE
VICTORS) including 5 punts of over 50 yards THANK YOU VERY MUCH. Now I’m
no STATISTICIAN, but I’m pretty sure that 51.5 is WAY HIGHER than 42.8.

Advantage: RAVENS

This
year against the Raiders, Andy got blasted by some guy who wore a
visor. Not surprising considering his limp-wristed throwing motion most
resembles Lamar’s javelin toss from Revenge of the Nerds.
I’m honestly amazed he could even put his helmet on over those ears.
And why do the 49ers coaches on the sidelines look so relaxed? YOUR
PUNTER IS GETTING BLASTED WHILE TRYING TO COMPLETE SOME SORT OF MUGGSY
BOGUES JUMP PASS. THAT CAN’T BE A GOOD THING. They don’t seem to care,
though. Maybe it was pre-seez.

Against
those same Raiders, Sam the Man scored a little thing called a
TOUCHDOWN. During a fake field goal attempt (BECAUSE SAM ALSO HOLDS
FOOTBALLS ON FG ATTEMPTS), he Kaepernick’d his way into the END ZONE for
six whole points. Six more points than Andy has scored in his ENTIRE
CAREER.

Also,
peep Michael Oher in the background showing love for his punter. Sam
gets LOVE from his linemen and Oher is not a dude who shows affection to
just anyone. I know this because I once read a book about Oher and how
he had a hard life and was born without feet.

Advantage: RAVENS

Just a punter warming his balls. No big deal. Just your average punter, on a Sunday afternoon, warming his balls.

Not only do they sell Sam Koch jerseys, they sell Sam Koch LADIES jerseys, because LADIES LOVE SAM KOCH.

Advantage: RAVENS

The
best athletes get endorsements, so of course Sam Koch -- sorry, LADIES
MAN Sam Koch -- is the spokesman for JIFFY MART, which as everyone knows
is Carroll County’s hometown convenience store offering great food fast
and high quality Tevis brand gasoline.

ANNOYING WHITE PERSON: Hey Sam, great punting today, you look really interested in what I’m saying here.

SAM:
 Yeah, that’s great, are we done here? I’ve got high quality Tevis
brand gasoline to sell. Also, get your Sam Koch bobble heads, only
$5.99. Practically giving ‘em away. I scored a touchdown once. What’d
you ever do? And yeah, I wear a white watch.

“Oh,
don’t mind me, guys, I’ll just be over here STANDING ON ONE LEG and
JUGGLING A BALL ON MY FOOT while wearing this AWESOME ORANGE BEANIE.”  

Look,
the bottom line is, Sam Koch is awesome. The only knock that I could
find on him during my EXTENSIVE RESEARCH was that his three kids are
named Ryan, Braxtyn and Kamdyn, which are two of the three stupidest
names I’ve ever heard in my life. Other than that, this dude is a boss,
and Andy Lee looks like a mongoloid.

That’s why The Evster’s goin’ with:

Ravens 24
49ers 20

Although
to be honest, I kinda think Colin Kaepernick is super exciting to
watch, I mean that guy is like pure lightning, so scratch that.

49ers 27
Ravens 20

He’s really fast!

The Evster writes the blog TV My Wife Watches where he writes about TV his wife watches. You can follow him on Twitter @TVMWW, orrrrrrrrrrr you can watch Sam’s Jiffy Mart commercial here. That’s probably the better move.

Nerlens Noel to get one-on-one experience while Sixers on road

Nerlens Noel to get one-on-one experience while Sixers on road

Being immersed in the team is important for Nerlens Noel, and so is continuing his rehab. 

While the Sixers are on the road for three days to play the Grizzlies and Pelicans, Noel will remain in Philadelphia to work out at the training complex in Camden, New Jersey. The team is not scheduled to practice in between games, so staying back allows Noel another day to get on the court.

“[I want him to] just start playing more and have a ball in his hands, get hit, physical, feel people, play one-on-one,” head coach Brett Brown said.

Noel has yet to play this season because of elective arthroscopic left knee surgery in October. He rejoined the Sixers after completing the first phase of his rehab in Birmingham, Alabama. There still is no timetable for his return. 

Brown has said there is a “classroom” element to Noel’s return. He has to learn a roster with new players and schemes. 

The on-the-court side of it is a reacclimation to the intensity of the league. Regardless of how many games Noel already has played in the NBA, there is an adjustment period getting back into the grind of the competition. Brown believes the time in the gym this week will help Noel prepare for the level of intensity he will face in his return. 

“It’s such fool’s gold to think somebody’s going to jump back into NBA basketball after you haven’t played for so long. I don’t care how athletic he is,” Brown said. “It’s a man’s world, this league, and there’s a physicality and there’s a real-time reaction you have to have to play in the game. You can’t make that up in practice, you can’t make that up playing one-on-one, but you can better position him instead of just going out to get shots. I want him to feel a body, get hit, hit back, play one-on-one, those types of things.”

Noel had been assigned to the Sixers’ Development League affiliate, the Delaware 87ers, to get in practice time when the Sixers had a game. The Sixers may forego another assignment and keep Noel at their facility as the Sevens also have two games in the next three days. 

Joel Embiid finally struggles in Sixers' loss to Nuggets

Joel Embiid finally struggles in Sixers' loss to Nuggets

BOX SCORE

Joel Embiid has been making the NBA look easy. Rookie of the Month honors, five double-doubles in 13 games, seven performances of 20 points or more … all having missed the last two years rehabbing from foot injuries.

Embiid, though, still is a player learning the league. Night’s like Monday’s lackluster showing are going to happen, even if it seemed unexpected against the struggling Denver Nuggets. 

“We’ve been used to seeing Jo have superhuman nights,” Brett Brown said after the Sixers’ 106-98 loss (see Instant Replay). “I thought Joel was down tonight.” 

Embiid tallied a total 16 points (5 for 15 from the field, 1 for 3 from three, 5 for 6 from the line) with four rebounds, one assist, a career-high five blocks, three turnovers and three fouls in 25:32. 

He had a quiet first half with six points (2 for 5 from the field) and one rebound in 9:21. The biggest struggle came in the third quarter. Embiid scored a single point off a free throw and shot 0 for 6 from the floor. By the end of three, he was shooting 18.2 percent. 

The big man said he needed to be better at passing out of the double team. He committed two turnovers in the third. 

“I wasn’t getting to my spot and I wasn’t getting what I’m used to getting,” Embiid said of the first three quarters. “I’m going to go back and watch the tape and see what I did wrong.” 

Embiid bounced back for another Embiid-like offensive effort in the fourth. He dropped nine points off an efficient 3 for 4 shooting in 7:31. Still, it wasn’t enough. 

“I made a couple shots,” Embiid said. “It didn’t help us win, so I don’t think it matters.”

Brown noticed Embiid rushing his game. He also thought Embiid’s balance was off, something the big man has been dealing with all season as he continues to find his legs. 

Embiid will not play in Tuesday's game against the Grizzlies. It is part of his workload management in which he does not play both games of a back-to-back. Expect him to hone in on game film until his next matchup, and get back on the roller coaster that can be a first year in the NBA. 

“It's just part of a young man's growth,” Brown said. “It just happens. I don't think we need to read too deeply into it. I think, in many ways, to expect from time to time not as good of a performance as we have been used to is fair enough.”