Hater’s guide to the Dallas Cowboys (and why you should never date a Cowboys fan)

Hater’s guide to the Dallas Cowboys (and why you should never date a Cowboys fan)

With first place on the line this weekend, I thought it would be a good opportunity to revisit our dear ‘ol divisional rivals from Texas. Now, the Cowboys haven’t really been on our radar these past two years; we’ve focused most of our energy on hating our own team. To truly hate another, as they say, you must first hate yourself.

But Nmandi is gone, and Jason Babin is gator hunting somewhere in the Everglades. And if you remove Riley Cooper from the equation, this Birds team is suddenly much more likeable. Finally, we can once again channel our efforts to what really matters:

Hating the Cowboys.

And in case you have forgotten – and if you have, silly you – I’m here to offer a helping hand. A gentle nudge in the right direction.

“Pardon me, can you tell me how to hate the Cowboys again?”

Right this way, good sir.

Chris Boniol

Never forget.

Boniol, who didn’t miss a field goal in like seventeen years with the Cowboys, infiltrated the Eagles organization by way of free agency and torpedoed the entire kicking game. It was an egregious example of sabotage that would have made even Benedict Arnold blush. Boniol missed kicks wide left. Boniol missed kicked wide right. Boniol missed kicks short – an especially cruel form of deception for those watching at home.

“At a boot, Chris. Right down the middle. Now let’s get a three and out, defense. Hey, Wendy, can you pass the Tostitos?”

The kick is no good.

“Come again?”

The Other Cowboys

If you take a close look at the advanced statistics, Emmitt Smith is really just a poor man’s Heath Sherman.

Dan Bailey has been Giant Gonzales for Halloween every year since 1993.

Michael Irvin couldn’t get open without pushing off.

Deion Sanders buys his suits from Lane Bryant.

Tom Landry’s hat didn’t fit his head properly.

Tony Romo’s birth name is Topanga.

Dez Bryant pre-ordered Grown Ups 2 on Blu-ray.

The only “TO” I can think of is Tim Ohlbrecht.

Bill Bates doesn’t support the troops.

Charles Haley is still lined up in the neutral zone.

Jason Whitten puts ketchup on his filet mignon. Troy Aikmen does, too.

Alvin Harper wears socks with sandals.

I don’t call Daryl Johnston, “Moose,” because I think it’s insulting to all other moose.

The Fans 

A little known fact about Cowboys fans is that they are unfaithful. All of ‘em. Every Cowboys fan I’ve ever met has been a cheater. Remember that girl who slept with your roommate back in college? She has a Jay Novacek shirsey that she wears to Pilates. And remember your former best friend, the one who slept with your high school sweetheart while you were volunteering at the animal shelter? Well, he ‘supposedly’ has family in Texas, but you and I both know better than that, don’t we?

There’s no loyalty with Cowboys fans. They’ll chase after any girl at the bar as long as they recently won something – a trophy, a ribbon, a game of Words with Friends, a chili cook-off, it doesn’t matter. While we were slogging through the Bubby Brister Era, admirably, and to little fanfare, Dallas fans were shopping at Marshalls; getting fitted for their Cowboys Starter jackets.

“I don’t know … what do you think, mom? Should I go up a size?”

Nobody cares about your Starter jacket, Todd.

Consider this a public service announcement, ladies. Sure, we Eagles fans have lousy facial hair, and, yeah, you have to look past the neck beards, but we’re loyal to a fault. We’re like dating a golden retriever. Besides, what’s a little neck hair between lovers? According to Match.com, 98% of marriages that involve a Cowboys fan end in divorce. The other 2% just haven’t found their spouse’s Ashley Madison profile yet. You’re better off dating a Penguins fan you met on Craigslist.

So how do Cowboys fans join the dark side? Let’s myth bust a few common reasons.

  1. “I have family in Texas.”

No, you don’t. You have family in Altoona. There’s a difference.

  1. “I like the star.”

Then become an astronomer.

  1. “They’re America’s Team.”

America has thirty-two teams.

  1. “My dad was a Cowboys fan.”

Your dad was a bandwagoner. And probably a lousy father, too.

  1. “My mom worked with a guy whose second cousin grew up in the same neighborhood as Roger Staubach.”

Makes sense.

Now, who would you rather bring home to mom and dad?

“Hi, Dad. I want you to meet Todd. He works for Big Oil and never calls his grandma. He is a huge Cowboys fan. He fell in love with the Cowboys star growing up. Here, Todd, let me take your Starter jacket.”

Or …

“Hi, Mom. I want you to meet Frank. He’s a veterinarian, and works with the Big Brother Program on weekends. He is a huge Eagles fan. Here, Frank, let me take your sweet Jerome Brown road jersey.”

Oh, I don’t know. Call me old-fashioned, but this seems like an easy choice.

Someone I follow recently retweeted a Cowboys fan on twitter. The Cowboys fan asked, “Since when do people have to like the teams in the city where they grew up?” This gentleman is from Bucks County.

But, you know, he’s right. People can cheer for whatever team they’d like. Our friend from Bucks County is certainly welcome to head to The Linc on Sunday and wear his Dez Bryant jersey with pride. And then he’s more than welcome to head back to the sports complex two weeks later, when his Heat play the Sixers.

He has an aunt in Boca Raton, so it’s cool.

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Tonight's lineup: Struggling Tommy Joseph, Cameron Rupp sit

Tonight's lineup: Struggling Tommy Joseph, Cameron Rupp sit

Tommy Joseph and Cameron Rupp, both struggling mightily through the first month of the season, will get Saturday night off when the Phillies take on the Dodgers in Los Angeles.

Joseph is hitting .190 with one homer and 18 strikeouts in 18 games, while Rupp is batting .180 with one homer and 20 strikeouts through 15 games. Last season, Joseph had 21 home runs and Rupp 16.

Brock Stassi will spell Joseph at first base and bat seventh. Andrew Knapp takes over for Rupp behind the plate and will bat eighth.

Daniel Nava also receives a start, playing left field. The first-year Phillie is hitting .346 with a pair of homers and as many walks as strikeouts (seven).

Zach Eflin takes the mound in a meaningful start for the right-hander (see story). He opposes resurgent Dodgers righty Brandon McCarthy (see game notes).

Here are tonight's lineups:

Phillies
1. Cesar Hernandez, 2B
2. Freddy Galvis, SS
3. Odubel Herrera, CF
4. Maikel Franco, 3B
5. Michael Saunders, RF
6. Daniel Nava, LF
7. Brock Stassi, 1B
8. Andrew Knapp, C
9. Zach Eflin, P

Dodgers
1. Andrew Toles, CF
2. Corey Seager, SS
3. Adrian Gonzalez, 1B
4. Yasmani Grandal, C
5. Yasiel Puig, RF
6. Cody Bellinger, LF
7. Chase Utley, 2B
8. Chris Taylor, 3B
9. Brandon McCarthy, P

Eagles draft Washington DT Elijah Qualls with final pick

Eagles draft Washington DT Elijah Qualls with final pick

With their final pick of the 2017 draft, the Eagles selected 6-foot-1, 313-pound Washington defensive tackle Elijah Qualls in the sixth round on Saturday.

He's the second Washington player the Eagles took in this year's draft. They selected injured cornerback Sidney Jones in the second round (see story).

Qualls had 77 tackles, 11½ tackles for loss and 7½ sacks in 30 career games (see bio).

"I for sure stop the run well," Qualls said at the NFL Draft Scouting Combine. "And I'm actually a lot better pass rusher than a lot of people think. Typically a lot of our game plan as far as pass rushing was to keep the quarterback contained, so I really couldn't get after him like I'm capable of.

"I'm not going to say I'm one of the best pass rushers ever or anything like that — I've only been playing defensive line since I got to college. I'm still learning, but I'm a lot better than people do think."

Qualls was actually a running back in high school, but he said he got bored scoring touchdowns.

"I was 260 playing running back in high school," he said. "I had 1,300 rushing yards, though. It honestly became too easy, that's why I switched to defensive line. Scoring touchdowns wasn't exciting to me anymore, it was just something I expected.

"Then my last year, my coach came to me and said, 'Hey, would you be willing to play some defense?' My mindset was that if I played defense, I could get the ball back. So I played some defensive line, middle linebacker. I was recruited at both of those positions.

"I kind of just did a little research project trying to see what the long term was like for both running backs and defensive linemen, and defensive linemen tend to last longer, have less severe injuries, and honestly on average probably make more money, so I decided to be a defensive lineman. Plus I like the challenge."

With Bennie Logan leaving as a free agent, the Eagles have Fletcher Cox, Tim Jernigan, Beau Allen and now Qualls in the mix on the interior of the defensive line.

"I feel like I can fit into any scheme," Qualls said. "I can do anything you ask me to, I played everything from zero to outside linebacker, so there's not much I can't do. It's just whether or not someone can accept me being a couple inches shorter than the person they prefer playing there.

"But I'm stronger than a lot of people, and my football intelligence is top notch."