Dude, You Should Totally Go to the Penn Relays This Weekend

Dude, You Should Totally Go to the Penn Relays This Weekend


Look,
I hate to be the one who breaks it to ya, but the Phillies stink.
They’re terrible. I mean, one of the guys on their team is named
“Laynce.” Not Lance. Laynce. That’s no way to spell a name. So the fact
that the Phils are playing at 1pm this Saturday doesn’t matter. You
don’t have to watch. Stop wasting your time, stop cheering for a bunch
of losers and go do something productive with your Saturday afternoon
for once in your boring, miserable life. Head down to Franklin Field for
the most awesome, ridiculous, exciting afternoon ever.


Don’t believe me?



Don’t think a track and field meet can be that exciting?



Keep reading, Laynce.



Keep reading.



Nonstop Bonkers Action

It
is IMPOSSIBLE to follow what the hell is going on at a track and field
meet. It’s a total whirlwind as there are approximately 37 events going
on at all times. At one end of the stadium, high school long jumpers
with really dumb haircuts pump up the crowd before launching themselves
for THE MOST IMPORTANT JUMP OF THEIR LIVES. At the other end, a
ridiculously hairy man from a country you’ve never heard of jams A GIANT
POLE INTO THE GROUND and flings himself 20 FEET INTO THE AIR like a
goddamn lunatic. If that’s not enough -- and you find yourself dizzy
from trying to keep up all the activity -- another guy SHOOTS A GUN AT
THE SKY reminding you that the LSU women’s 4x400 team and their
RIDICULOUSLY SHORT SHORTS / BATHING SUITS / WHAT DO YOU EVEN CALL THOSE
THINGS are about to run around the stadium WITH THIGHS SO STRONG THEY
COULD CRUSH YOUR FACE. It’s equal parts terrifying and wonderful. THE
GUN BLASTS COME OUT OF NOWHERE. It’s sort of erotic! You gotta see it to
believe it. I don’t know why you’re still reading this, just buy your
stupid tickets already. Just do it. What are you waiting for? Look here’s a link omg you’re so dumb just do it already, just do itttttt!!!



Tip #1 when attending: Get there early and walk around Penn’s campus.

Not
because it’s supposed to be a nice day or because Penn has a beautiful
campus (which it does), but because you’ll see tons of really really
good-looking incredibly fit athletes walking around in really dope track
suits. Sometimes you can find an entire team stretching in the park in
unbelievably compromising positions -- and even though looking at them
makes you feel horrible because you’re half the man/woman they are, it’s
still nice to stare at what the human form is supposed to look like.



USA vs. The World

All
relay races are exciting. That’s a fact. That’s a medical fact. Even
those ones where you have to carry a stupid egg on a stupid spoon and
everyone yells at you because you can’t do it and your spoon is warped!
Why do I always get a warped one?!?! But these USA vs. The World jawns
are INTENSE. Essentially, the USA enters two teams of olympic-caliber
sprinters (you’ll have heard of maybe three or four of them) to compete
against other teams made up of much more fair-skinned runners. No matter
if you’re a bike messenger from West Philly or a Princeton alum,
American pride will burst inside you as you cheer for eight American
athletes who up until that moment could’ve punched you in the face and
you wouldn’t have know who they were.




Jamaican People

Anyone
who’s not American in the crowd on Saturday will be something called a
“Jamaican.” You might be familiar with Jamaicans -- dreadlocks, Usain
Bolt, funnel cake -- but you’ve never seen ANYTHING like the Jamaicans
at Franklin Field. Screaming, chanting, TUBE TOPS. Let me tell you
something. LET ME TELL YOU SOMETHING. Jamaicans really really really
like sprinting, like REALLY like sprinting, and they’re really really
good at it.



You
know your stupid younger cousin who LOVES chicken fingers? Like, he
can’t get enough, eats them at every meal and completely freaks out
whenever you eat one off his plate even though it had been sitting there
for like 30 minutes and he was totally done with them! Yo, that’s what
Jamaican people are like with sprinting. Except, it has nothing to do
with chicken fingers and that was a horrible analogy, but you get the
point. They go absolutely mental for the sport. Usain Bolt!



High
school Jamaican kids DOMINATE the Penn Relays and they have AMAZING
haircuts. There are colleges from Jamaica, too. Who knew there were
colleges in Jamaica? Why didn’t my stupid high school guidance counselor
tell me there were colleges in Jamaica? I went to college in friggin’
Maryland. MARYLAND. Do you know how dumb that was? Do you have any idea?
Applebee’s. We had an Applebee’s on campus. Have you ever eaten at an
Applebee’s? No, of course you haven’t. It’s the only smart thing you’ve
ever done in your stupid life. Also the Jamaican jerk chicken at
Franklin Field is INCREDIBLE.



Tip #2 when attending: Buy a program.

It
seems ridiculous, I know. Spending 10 bucks on a magazine that you’ll
never look at it again, but it is TOTALLY WORTH IT. The program comes
with a schedule of all the races, so you can see what people are running
when, and when it’s safe to go spend an hour waiting in line for jerk
chicken. That thing will be your HOLY BIBLE, and you’ll feel like the
smartest dude around as you tell everyone in your section, “UP NEXT IS
THE CENTRAL LEAGUE 4X800. MARPLE NEWTOWN WON LAST YEAR IN A PHOTO FINISH
AND RIDLEY’S 1974 TEAM HOLDS THE ALL-TIME RECORD. I KNOW THIS BECAUSE I
SPENT 10 DOLLARS ON A MAGAZINE. IT HAS GLOSSY PICTURES AND A COUPON FOR
10% OFF DRY CLEANING. I AM THE KING OF SECTION 237. I AM THE
KINGGGGGG!”




Franklin Field

Built by Ben Franklin himself! The Father of Track and Field! It has a clock!



Admit It, Just Admit It, You Don’t Have Anything to Do on Saturday

Do
you know who the starting pitcher is for the Phillies on Saturday?
Jonathan Pettibone. Yep, Jonathan Pettibone. Not Jonathan Papelbon.
Jonathan Pettibone. That’s a person. A real, live, human person. And
he’s pitching for THE GREATEST STAFF OF ALL TIME on Saturday afternoon.
Ughhghhhh. Is it that hard for Ryan Howard to hit a ground ball down the
third base line??? HOW HARD IS THAT???   



Tip #3: Bring sunscreen!!!


Russell Wilson still affecting Eagles' decision making

usa-doug-pederson-russell-wilson.jpg

Russell Wilson still affecting Eagles' decision making

By now, most Eagles fans have probably heard stories that the team coveted Russell Wilson in the 2012 NFL draft, but waited too long and wound up watching helplessly as he went to the Seahawks. Doug Pederson was just an offensive quality control coordinator with back then, but even he realizes how losing out on a franchise quarterback altered the course of history.

“If we’d have drafted Russell Wilson in 2012, we’d still be here as coaches,” Pederson said with a smile.

That's what Pederson tells Albert Breer for TheMMQB.com, and there might be a bit of truth to it. Despite concerns over his stature, it turns out Wilson was an outstanding NFL signal-caller from the jump, and while he was surrounded with a dominant defense and ground attack, likely would've been a winner just about anywhere.

Actually, Wilson may not have been good enough to save Andy Reid's head coaching job in Philadelphia or his staff — after 14 years, it was time, and an offensive line depleted by injuries was the real reason behind a 4-12 season. Regardless, Pederson learned something from waiting too long on Wilson in the draft, and based on their aggressive move for Carson Wentz this year, the Eagles organization did too.

Simply enough, if you like a quarterback, Pederson says, “Take him. Take him. Take the best available one. If you’re not planning for the quarterback position, you’re probably not going to win many games.”

...

“There’s a lesson there. Seattle, they felt like we did with Russell Wilson,” Pederson said. “We got Nick Foles right after that, and I love Nick Foles and think he’s gonna be a good quarterback in this league and do well for Kansas City. But if you’re not planning for that position …”

For as much criticism or questioning as the Eagles have faced for their plan at the quarterback position this year, "take him" certainly was not the issue. In addition to all of players and draft collateral they gave up for Wentz, they also invested large sums of money into current starter Sam Bradford and long-term backup Chase Daniel.

If you think Pederson and executive vice president of personnel Howie Roseman's experience of missing out on Wilson didn't play a role in those moves, the head coach made it quite clear to the contrary. While Eagles fans would prefer the known quantity and proven Super Bowl champion under center, you can't say this regime hasn't done everything in its power to erase that mistake.

NHL Notes: Panthers flip Dave Bolland's contract, prospect Lawson Crouse to Coyotes for picks

NHL Notes: Panthers flip Dave Bolland's contract, prospect Lawson Crouse to Coyotes for picks

GLENDALE, Ariz. (AP) -- The Arizona Coyotes have acquired prospect Lawson Crouse and veteran Dave Bolland's contract from the Florida Panthers for two draft picks.

Arizona sent a 2017 third-round pick and a conditional 2018 second-rounder that could become another 2017 third to Florida. The Coyotes are taking on the final three years of the injured Bolland's deal to pick up Crouse, the 11th pick in the 2015 draft.

Nagging injuries limited Bolland to 25 games last season, and the 30-year-old forward has three years left on his deal at a salary-cap hit of $5.5 million. But Arizona general manager John Chayka said Bolland isn't expected to play for the foreseeable future and could be placed on long-term injured reserve.

Crouse, 19, is a 6-foot-4 left winger who could make his NHL debut this fall.

Avalanche name Jared Bednar head coach
DENVER -- The Colorado Avalanche have hired Jared Bednar as their new head coach.

Bednar replaces Patrick Roy, who abruptly stepped down as coach and vice president of hockey operations earlier this month.

The 44-year-old Bednar won the American Hockey League's Calder Cup championship as coach of the Lake Erie Monsters last season. He also won the ECHL's Kelly Cup in 2009 with the South Carolina Stingrays.

President of hockey operations and general manager Joe Sakic said upon Roy's sudden resignation that he'd look outside the organization for Colorado's next coach. He did just that with Bednar, who had been in the Columbus system.

Sidney Crosby named Canada's captain for World Cup of Hockey
Canada has chosen Sidney Crosby as its captain for the upcoming World Cup of Hockey.

Crosby returns as Canada's captain after wearing the "C" for the 2014 Sochi Olympics. He's coming off his second Stanley Cup as captain of the Pittsburgh Penguins.

Chicago Blackhawks captain Jonathan Toews and Montreal Canadiens defenseman Shea Weber will serve as the alternates.

Crosby scored one of Canada's biggest goals in international history when he beat U.S. goaltender Ryan Miller to win the gold medal on home ice at the 2010 Vancouver Olympics. Now 29, he has two gold medals, two Cup rings and a Conn Smythe Trophy as playoff MVP.

Canada begins training camp Sept. 5 in Ottawa. The World Cup begins Sept. 17 in Toronto (see full story).

Coyotes hire NHL's first female coach
GLENDALE, Ariz. -- The Arizona Coyotes have hired Dawn Braid as skating coach and say she is believed to be the first full-time female coach in NHL history.

Braid has a long association with the NHL.

She worked part-time for the Coyotes last year and has served as a skating consultant with the Toronto Maple Leafs, Anaheim Ducks, Buffalo Sabres and Calgary Flames.

Braid also spent seven years with the Athletes Training Center as director of skating development. Among the skaters she worked with while there is New York Islanders center John Tavares (see full story).

Big night in Columbus as rookies star for Union and Jim Curtin quotes Rasheed Wallace

Big night in Columbus as rookies star for Union and Jim Curtin quotes Rasheed Wallace

What’s the best way to respond to a controversial game-tying goal on the road?

If you said score the game-winner 62 seconds later, celebrate by shushing the crowd, and then quote Rasheed Wallace after the game, the Union agree with you. 

That’s what happened Wednesday night in Columbus as Crew SC were credited with scoring a second-half equalizer even though it looked like the ball may have been cleared off the line before it crossed (where’s goal-line technology when you really need it?). But before the cameras could even get back to the game, the Union charged down the field off the ensuing kickoff with Keegan Rosenberry scoring a very pretty goal to lift Philly to a 2-1 victory — and then put his finger to his mouth to quiet the crowd.

Watch the whole chaotic sequence here:

Remarkably, the goal was the second of the night for a Union rookie as Fabian Herbers scored the opener. Herbers got the start on the right wing in place of Ilsinho and another rookie, Joshua Yaro, started at center back instead of Ken Tribbett.

If you’re scoring at home, that’s three of the team’s top six picks from this year’s draft all starting together (for just the second time ever) and two of of them scoring.

That was certainly an exciting development for Curtin, who praised the rookie trio for growing up in a hurry before touting Rosenberry as an MLS Rookie of the Year frontrunner.

But none of those comments were as good as when Curtin quoted fellow Philadelphian Rasheed Wallace for the karmic retribution that happened after Crew SC’s controversial goal.

“It’s a true Philadelphia-type team — blue-collar, tough, doesn’t let adversity get in the way,” Curtin said. “And I guess in words of Rasheed Wallace, the ball doesn’t lie.

Then, after completing the season sweep of Crew SC, the Union coach added a little insult to injury.

“You guys won’t get that in Columbus but the ball does not lie.”

Hear that, Columbus? ’Sheed is ours.