The Evster puts together the all-time most annoying Duke basketball team

The Evster puts together the all-time most annoying Duke basketball team

Everyone should love Duke basketball. Obviously we don't -- because Duke players constantly suck their own butts -- but we should. They play tough defense. They bomb threes. And they sometimes have a mega-ram-bam ram-jammer who does nothing but ram. (Basically I'm just talking about Mason Plumlee here, but you know what I'm saying.) And yet, Duke is still the worst. The absolute worst.

So seeing as Philadelphia is a hub for human suffering, I figured I'd put together the all-time most annoying Duke basketball team just to rile us all up. Then I figured we could make fun of them one by one. Because if there's one thing that brings this city together, it's pissing all over people who are way more successful than us.

Right, Kobe?

Whatever, Sénor Sunglasses!

Get over yourself!

THE STARTERS 

POINT GUARD - WOJO, OBVIOUSLY

Defining Duke Characteristic: No one, and I mean no one, enjoyed slapping that stupid floor more than Steve Wojciechowski (THAT IS A REAL NAME, PEOPLE). Before Wojo, I actually liked the floor slap. It was so primal and intense. Just a dude, bending over, waiving his ass in the air and slamming his palms against the hard, glossy wood. Nothing fires up a defense like a floor slap. The energy picks up, the offense feels challenged, and the chances of someone getting choked out exponentially rises. And that's basically all I want out of life: more choke outs. The other day, I was making sweet, passionate, dirty love to my wife, and in the middle of an outfit change I started slapping the floor like a lemur. Then I threw my back out and had to lay down for a while, but if I hadn't thrown my back out, awwwwww man, she was gonna get it. But stupid Wojo ruined it all. He slapped that floor on like every possession. Plus, he was like 4 foot 6, so he hardly even had to reach down! God, what a stupid name: Wojo. That's like the dumbest name ever. My back hurts so much, all the time. I go through like a tube of Ben Gay a week. Everything I own smells like ointment.

Haircut: Wojo was rocking the mushroom cut around four years after Cherokee Parks ruined the mushroom cut. To make things worse, the sides of Wojo's head were always so sweaty, and he would smooth 'em down while his mushroom top flapped in the breeze. Also, ENORMOUS head.

Life After Duke: Wojo is currently an assistant on Coach K's staff and has the most disgusting white bread mayonnaise family in the history of Western civilizashe:

OH THAT POOR DOGGIE.

SHOOTING GUARD - CHRIS COLLINS

Defining Duke Characteristic: Such a whiner. Chris Collins argued every call, had a stupid squatting jump shot, and was an embarrassment to his world famous father, Phil Collins. Oh my God who cares can we just talk about how dumb his haircut was?

Haircut: Boring, lame-ass, parted on the side. Dude, you were in college. This was your time to look (and act) like a total bonehead. And yet you decided to rock the same look as my mailman. (NO DISRESPECT TO MY MAILMAN. LOVE YOU, WENDELL.) When I was in college, at least four of my friends tried to grow dreadlocks. Three of them got head lice, BUT THAT'S WHAT COLLEGE WAS ALL ABOUT. I remember shaving my buddy Clamball's head junior year and finding a small Armenian family living in his scalp. The Patroszians. Very nice people, those Patroszians. Ended up going into the rug business. Very, very nice. Always friendly. Possibly drug lords, but very friendly.

Life After Duke: After spending 47 years on Coach K's staff, Chris Collins is now the head coach at Northwestern. This year, the Wildcats failed to make the tournament for the 80th straight year, THANK GAWD.

QUARTERBACK - GREG PAULUS 

Defining Duke Characteristic: For all intents and purposes, Greg Paulus should've been cool. He was the 2005 Gatorade Athlete of the Year after starring as both a point guard and quarterback at New York's Christian Brothers Academy. During his career, Paulus threw for over 10,000 yards (still a state record). By comparison, I threw for 15 yards at my Thanksgiving Turkey Bowl game this year and had to leave the game early because my arm'y warm'y hurt. Paulus ended up choosing basketball over football and turning down loads of scholarship offers to play for Duke. After a four-year career that pretty much sucked a thousand butts, he went to grad school at Syracuse where he STARTED AT QUARTERBACK during the 2009 season. Once again, lotta butt sucking. He also loved to push teammates in their chests to show how fired up he was which I imagine is very annoying when you're a 6'10" McDonald's All American forced to play on the same team as Greg Paulus.

Haircut: Ughghghghghhhhhh.

Life After Duke: Paulus is now an assistant coach at Ohio State where he is shockingly only the second most annoying person in the program -- ranking just behind college basketball's #1 pony boy, Aaron Craft.

POSSIBLY THE BEST COLLEGE PLAYER EVER - CHRISTIAN LAETTNER

Defining Duke Characteristic: I was at that stupid game against Kentucky at the Spectrum and there was a Duke fan sitting directly behind me who was sooooooooooooo annoying, like constantly clapping in my ear and spitting popcorn everywhere and screaming at Coach K to "GIVE MARTY CLARK THE ROCK, BABY!" I actually sat in an aisle seat, and as Laettner's last shot went in, the dude behind me put his hands on my shoulders and LEAPFROGGED OVER MY HEAD. He literally jumped over me. I will never forget it. I saw the shot go down and then a grown man vaulted himself over my soft, teenage body. The guy then proceeded to run up and down the stairs screaming like a lunatic while I tried to trip him.

Haircut: Luke Perry would be nothing in this world without Christian Laetts. NOTHING.

Life After Duke: Dream Teamer, made an NBA all-star game, eventually got a decent haircut. Widely considered to be the greatest college basketball player who ever lived. Personally, I'd give that honor to that Armenian guy on St. Joe's and/or Spike Albrecht, but whatever. Also, in a documentary made about Duke in 2010, everyone pretty much admitted that they hated his guts.

CAPTAIN DORF - CHEROKEE PARKS

Defining Duke Characteristic: I don't really remember the Chief doing anything, ever. He might've knocked down a couple threes and grabbed a few boards, but I'm honestly not sure. He was essentially a doofier, lamer, clammier Christian Laettner. Also mighta been a drug addict.

Haircut: So, so, so floppy.

Life After Duke: I get it. I totally get it. Cherokee wanted to redefine himself once he left Durham and get outta the corny Dukie mold, But those tattoos?!?!

TRUE GRIT?

C'MON, CHIEF.

There is absolutely nothing gritty about Cherokee Parks. He essentially just jacked threes and shied away from contact his entire career. He had to be Byron Mullens' favorite player growing up. Below is a 12-second clip from the end of Cherokee's career, when he was playing in France, that pretty much sums up everything about him.

I IMPLORE you to watch it. (Honestly it's like 13 seconds long. Just watch it.)

[nbcsports_video src=//www.youtube.com/embed/bOZrsodQGuE width=620 height=465]

Pretty sure the dude filming says, "clang" the second after Cherokee jacks that three.

THE BENCH

DEFENSIVE STOPPERS/REAL ESTATE MOGULS - SHANE BATTIER and BRIAN DAVIS

Defining Duke Characteristic: Battier was a flopping machine (which frankly I had no problem with) while BD played just prior to the baggy shorts era and spent his entire career running around and showing off his tight little ass.

Haircut: To this day I have no idea what's going on with Shane Battier's head. Brian Davis had a psuedo-flatop, like he was too scared to REALLY commit to it. I mean, if you're gonna have a flattop, at least have an enormous one like Dominique Wilkins or my Aunt Maxine. For the record, Brian Davis might've sucked more butts than anyone.

Life After Duke: Battier has won two rings with the Miami Heat while Brian Davis made like a billion dollars in the real estate biz -- which makes this post that much more frustrating.

SPARK PLUG - QUIN SNYDER

Defining Duke Characteristic: Coach K's original pony boy. (I keep using that term and yet I have no idea know what it means.)

Haircut: Any man who has to constantly tuck his hair back behind his ears is hardly a man at all. That being said, let it be know that as I'm typing this I'm drinking a non-fat vanilla soy latte from Starbucks and just applied some face lotion to my T-zones.

Life After Duke: Resigned as head coach of Mizzou in 2006 amid rumors that he had a cocaine problem. Has probably had sex with MUCHO sorority girls. Still has yet to add another "n" to his first name.

THE ERIC MEEK, BRIAN ZOUBEK, GREG NEWTON, SHAV RANDOLPH, TAYMON DOMZALSKI, CHRIS BURGESS, JOSH MCROBERTS COMBO PLATTER 

Defining Duke Characteristics: It is incredible that Mark Madsen did not go to Duke.

Haircut: Have you seen Josh McRoberts these days?

LET ME LICK YOU UP AND DOWNNNNNNNNN, TIL YOU SAYYYYYYYY STOP.

I legitimately want to know what kind of conditioner he uses.

Life After Duke: Here's Eric Meek rejecting a guy from a foreign country that may or may not still exist.

[nbcsports_video src=//www.youtube.com/embed/XXJIxGfb1c4 width=620 height=465]

SWAG MASTER GENERAL - AUSTIN RIVERS 

Defining Duke Characteristic: He wore a Sleeverson (that's what my wife calls those Allen Iverson arm sleeve thingies).

Haircut: Ohhhhhhhhh, Austin. That chin hair.

Life After Duke: According to the Elias Sports Bureau, Rivers' rookie season was the worst in the NBA's 68-year history. Here he is getting his ankles broken by James Harden.

[nbcsports_video src=//www.youtube.com/embed/qge70eEDP6o width=620 height=349]

***Quick tangent to explain why Bobby Hurley is not on this list: Dude was nasty. You gotta admit, Bobby Hurley was like the modern day Bob Cooz. Yes, he was from New Jersey, and yes, he kinda looked like a squirrel, but he tore those Dream Teamers up in that scrimmage before the '92 Olympics. Have you seen those clips? HE AND PENNY AND C-WEBB WUZ KILLIN' EM. I would also not be surprised if Bobby Hurls smoked trees with Redman back in the day. He was a bad dude. Other dope Duke ballplayers that should not be featured on this team include: Robert Brickey, Johnny Dawkins, Kyrie Irving, Jabari Parker, Chris Carrawell, Elton Brand, Carlos Boozer, Grant Hill (sorta), Jay Williams, Trajan Langdon and JJ Redick (calm down).

THREE POINT SHOOTER WHO PROBABLY HAS A VERY GOOD LOOKING GIRLFRIEND -- JJ REDICK 

Defining Duke Characteristic: He was a total strokaholic who drained threes on the regg.

Haircut: So much gel/faux hawk/sprout action.

Life After Duke: Continues to drink draino on a daily basis for the LA Clippers.

12TH MAN -- MARTY CLARK 

Defining Duke Characteristic: Considered a deadly three-point sniper despite the fact that he hit four, mayyyyyybe five threes in his entire college career. Slightly edged out Nate James -- a guy who raised the roof more than any player ever -- to make this team.

Haircut: Actually had a pretty decent Johnny Unitas jawn.

Life After Duke: omg who cares life is meaningless.

Follow The Evster @TVMWW.

Best of MLB: Bryant homers twice, Cubs spoil Ruiz's Dodgers debut

Best of MLB: Bryant homers twice, Cubs spoil Ruiz's Dodgers debut

LOS ANGELES -- Kris Bryant hit a tiebreaking two-run homer in the 10th inning to go with an earlier solo shot, lifting the Chicago Cubs over the Los Angeles Dodgers 6-4 on Friday night in the series opener between NL division leaders.

Bryant's 35th homer capped a comeback from an earlier two-run deficit and extended the Cubs' winning streak to four games. Chicago fans chanted "MVP! MVP!" as Bryant scored behind Dexter Fowler, who singled leading off.

Chicago improved to 19-4 in August while earning its major league-leading 82nd victory.

Travis Wood (4-0) got the victory with one inning of relief. Aroldis Chapman struck out two in the 10th to earn his 10th save.

Adam Liberatore (2-1) took the loss, allowing two runs and four hits in one inning (see full recap).

Mariners overcome Sale's 14 K's to beat White Sox
CHICAGO -- Chris Sale struck out 14 but got outpitched by Felix Hernandez and the Seattle bullpen, and the Mariners ended a three-game skid Friday night by beating the Chicago White Sox 3-1.

Hernandez (9-4) improved to 5-0 in eight starts since returning from the disabled list, throwing 7 1/3 innings of one-run ball.

Sale (15-7) gave up five hits and walked none in his fifth complete game of the season. He retired the final 16 batters, striking out 10 of them.

Sale struck out six straight in the sixth and seventh innings, one shy of Joe Cowley's team record.

Franklin Gutierrez hit a solo home run and Adam Lind added an RBI double off Sale.

Todd Frazier's 32nd home run in the seventh was one of eight hits off Hernandez until he left with the bases loaded (see full recap).

Gonzalez earns 100th win as Nationals top Rockies
WASHINGTON -- Jayson Werth and Daniel Murphy hit solo homers and drove in two runs each, and Gio Gonzalez earned his 100th career victory as the Washington Nationals beat the Colorado Rockies 8-5 on Friday night.

Gonzalez (9-9) threw six innings and allowed two runs and four hits with one walk and five strikeouts.

Mark Melancon retired Christhian Adames for the final out. Melancon entered the game shortly after Nick Hundley hit a three-run homer off Shawn Kelley to pull the Rockies within three.

While Gonzalez hit the century mark, Rockies rookie Jeff Hoffman (0-2), remains in search of his first major league win (see full recap).

Best of NFL: Tom Brady on target, leads Patriots to win in preseason debut

Best of NFL: Tom Brady on target, leads Patriots to win in preseason debut

CHARLOTTE, N.C. -- Tom Brady looked sharp in his preseason debut, throwing a 33-yard touchdown pass to Chris Hogan in helping the New England Patriots to a 19-17 preseason win over the Carolina Panthers on Friday night.

Brady relieved Jimmy Garoppolo late in the first quarter and completed a 37-yard pass to Aaron Dobson on his first play from scrimmage, leading to a field goal. On his second drive Brady heaved a perfectly placed over-the-shoulder pass to Hogan down the right sideline for a 9-0 lead. Brady's other two drives failed to produce points.

While Brady was on the mark, league MVP Cam Newton struggled mightily in his most extensive playing time of the preseason. Newton was intercepted twice and the Panthers failed to get any points on his eight first-half possessions. Overall, the Panthers scored just three points in 10 Newton-led drives.

The sixth-year quarterback was high on some passes and didn't get much help from his receivers, who had problems getting separation and dropped four passes, including one by Brenton Bersin on a fourth-and-2 at midfield.

New England's defense shut down the league's highest-scoring offense from a year ago. They also intercepted Derek Anderson and allowed only one passing play of more than 15 yards in the first half.

Garoppolo, expected to start the first four games for the Patriots while Brady serves a suspension for his role in "Deflategate," returned in the second quarter but couldn't get anything going.

In the third quarter he rolled out of the pocket while under pressure and missed an open receiver who'd gotten behind the defense. His six drives resulted in no points, although Stephen Gostkowski missed a 30-yard field goal on the New England's opening possession (see full recap).

Redskins overcome slow start to beat Bills
LANDOVER, Md. -- Kirk Cousins found a groove and undrafted rookie running back Robert Kelley made the most of his chance and the Washington Redskins beat the Buffalo Bills 21-16 Friday night in the third preseason game.

With the Bills (1-2) resting almost their entire starting defense, Cousins overcame a rough start to finish 12 of 23 for 188 yards, three touchdowns and an interception.

Despite coming mostly against Buffalo's second- and third-stringers, it was an important recovery for Cousins, who had thrown only five passes in the preseason and didn't play last week in an effort to test backup Colt McCoy.

Kelley ran for 51 yards on 12 carries in a personal showcase with Matt Jones and Chris Thompson out and after seventh-round pick Keith Marshall sprained his left elbow on his only carry of the game.

Bills starting quarterback Tyrod Taylor played only two series, by coach Rex Ryan's design, going 2 of 5 for 11 yards before being replaced by E.J. Manuel.

Ryan also opted to rest running back LeSean McCoy and several key defenders, including defensive tackle Kyle Williams, linebacker Jerry Hughes and cornerbacks Ronald Darby and Stephon Gilmore.

Coach Jay Gruden took a more conventional dress-rehearsal approach to the third preseason game for the Redskins (2-1) and got the kind of performances he'd like to see from top players such as tight end Jordan Reed, receivers DeSean Jackson and Pierre Garcon, left tackle Trent Williams and cornerback Josh Norman.

Reed, Garcon and receiver Ryan Grant each caught a touchdown pass from Cousins, and Norman looked sharp on defense along with second-year linebacker Preston Smith and lineman Ziggy Hood (see full recap).

Roethlisberger shreds defense in Steelers' win over Saints
NEW ORLEANS -- Ben Roethlisberger torched New Orleans' defense for 148 yards and two touchdown passes on his first two series of this preseason, then got the rest of the game off while the Steelers rolled to a 27-14 victory over the Saints on Friday night.

Roethlisberger, who sat out of the first two preseason games, opened by leading a 14-play, 76-yard drive on which he converted two third downs and found tight end Jesse James for a 5-yard score. His next series was highlighted by his 57-yard scoring pass down the left sideline to Antonio Brown, also playing for the first time this preseason. The Steelers star finished with 12 completions on 17 attempts.

Pittsburgh running back Le'Veon Bell also made his preseason debut, gaining 21 yards on three carries, but his lost fumble in the second quarter -- forced by cornerback Delvin Breaux and recovered by linebacker Dannell Ellerbe -- led to Drew Brees' only TD pass. Brees' strike went to Willie Snead, who made a difficult juggling catch as he landed on his back following a collision near the back of the end zone.

Brees had a difficult night behind a struggling offensive line. It didn't help that starting left tackle Terron Armstead left the field unexpectedly in the first half for undisclosed reasons. Brees completed 9 of 12 passes, but for only 78 yards. One of his better throws connected with newly acquired tight end Coby Fleener for 26 yards, but it was called back for holding on Armstead.

The Saints have dropped all three preseason games.

Steelers backup Landry Jones went 19 of 22 for 206 yards, including an 8-yard touchdown pass to Sammie Coates. He also completed a 58-yard pass to Coates to set up Chris Boswell's 40-yard field goal (see full recap).

Adam Morgan, Phillies allow 4 homers in latest loss to Mets at Citi Field

Adam Morgan, Phillies allow 4 homers in latest loss to Mets at Citi Field

BOX SCORE

NEW YORK — The New York Mets set the tone for this game early on Friday night. Their first two batters stroked Adam Morgan fastballs over the wall and they were off and slugging to a 9-4 win over the Phillies at Citi Field (see Instant Replay).
 
“There’s not much to say,” manager Pete Mackanin said afterward, “other than we have to pitch better.”
 
The Mets, very much in the thick of the NL wild-card race, played inspired ball in powering their way to their fifth win in the last six games. They hit four home runs on the night, including three against Morgan, and got a typically strong start from Bartolo Colon.
 
“It’s never good when you start a game by giving up two home runs,” Morgan said. “If I make better pitches, it’s a different outcome.”
 
The third home run that Morgan gave up was the killer. It was a grand slam by Wilmer Flores with two outs in the bottom of the fifth. That turned a 2-1 Mets’ lead into a 6-1 Mets’ lead.
 
Flores’ grand slam came on a first-pitch slider. Morgan threw nine pitches before walking Neil Walker, the previous batter, to extend the inning. One of those pitches was a foul pop down the right-field line that Ryan Howard could not chase down. Had he been able to make the tough play, Morgan would have gotten out of the inning unscathed.
 
Then again, the pitcher could have gotten out of the inning unscathed if he did not give up the two-out walk to Walker.
 
Or make a mistake with the first-pitch slider to Flores.
 
“It was a bad pitch,” Mackanin said. “He tried to backdoor a slider and it ended up in his wheelhouse.”
 
As for the pop-up down the right-field line …
 
“I was hoping somebody could run that down,” Mackanin said. “Nevertheless, you’ve got to pitch around those things and make good pitches. That mistake to Flores put it away for them. Morgan had command issues. Too many pitches out over the plate.”
 
In all, Morgan allowed eight hits, including five for extra bases, in his five innings of work. He dropped to 1-8 and his ERA rose to 6.50.
 
Reliever Frank Herrmann gave up the Mets’ fourth homer, a two-run shot to Asdrubal Cabrera in the sixth. Cabrera homered from both sides of the plate.
 
Meanwhile, Colon, the Mets’ 43-year-old control artist, did what he often does to the Phillies. He gave up just three hits and a run through seven innings before hitting the wall and giving up three runs without getting an out in the eighth. Colon had to settle for seven-plus innings of four-run ball. He is 12-7 with a 3.44 ERA. He is 9-3 with a 2.98 ERA against the Phillies as a member of the Mets.
 
“He seems to own us,” Mackanin said. “We can’t seem to square up the ball against him. He does a tremendous job with control and command.”
 
Peter Bourjos concurred.
 
“He’s different than any pitcher you see these days,” Bourjos said. “You don’t see many guys throwing mostly fastballs at 88 mph and sinking it. You see some guys throwing a majority of sinkers, but it’s 95. This guy changes speeds on his fastball and locates it so well.”
 
The game marked the Phillies’ first without Carlos Ruiz, who was traded to the Dodgers on Thursday. Jorge Alfaro came up from Double A and served as the backup catcher. He is expected to return to the Reading club on Saturday when A.J. Ellis arrives. The Phillies picked up the veteran backup catcher in the trade.
 
Alfaro did not play, but called the experience of coming to the majors “a dream.”
 
That was the only thing that resembled a dream for the Phillies on Friday night.
 
They have lost 20 of 29 games to the Mets over the last two seasons and 12 of their last 16 in Citi Field, hardly encouraging with two more games to play in the series.