The Evster puts together the all-time most annoying Duke basketball team

The Evster puts together the all-time most annoying Duke basketball team

Everyone should love Duke basketball. Obviously we don't -- because Duke players constantly suck their own butts -- but we should. They play tough defense. They bomb threes. And they sometimes have a mega-ram-bam ram-jammer who does nothing but ram. (Basically I'm just talking about Mason Plumlee here, but you know what I'm saying.) And yet, Duke is still the worst. The absolute worst.

So seeing as Philadelphia is a hub for human suffering, I figured I'd put together the all-time most annoying Duke basketball team just to rile us all up. Then I figured we could make fun of them one by one. Because if there's one thing that brings this city together, it's pissing all over people who are way more successful than us.

Right, Kobe?

Whatever, Sénor Sunglasses!

Get over yourself!

THE STARTERS 

POINT GUARD - WOJO, OBVIOUSLY

Defining Duke Characteristic: No one, and I mean no one, enjoyed slapping that stupid floor more than Steve Wojciechowski (THAT IS A REAL NAME, PEOPLE). Before Wojo, I actually liked the floor slap. It was so primal and intense. Just a dude, bending over, waiving his ass in the air and slamming his palms against the hard, glossy wood. Nothing fires up a defense like a floor slap. The energy picks up, the offense feels challenged, and the chances of someone getting choked out exponentially rises. And that's basically all I want out of life: more choke outs. The other day, I was making sweet, passionate, dirty love to my wife, and in the middle of an outfit change I started slapping the floor like a lemur. Then I threw my back out and had to lay down for a while, but if I hadn't thrown my back out, awwwwww man, she was gonna get it. But stupid Wojo ruined it all. He slapped that floor on like every possession. Plus, he was like 4 foot 6, so he hardly even had to reach down! God, what a stupid name: Wojo. That's like the dumbest name ever. My back hurts so much, all the time. I go through like a tube of Ben Gay a week. Everything I own smells like ointment.

Haircut: Wojo was rocking the mushroom cut around four years after Cherokee Parks ruined the mushroom cut. To make things worse, the sides of Wojo's head were always so sweaty, and he would smooth 'em down while his mushroom top flapped in the breeze. Also, ENORMOUS head.

Life After Duke: Wojo is currently an assistant on Coach K's staff and has the most disgusting white bread mayonnaise family in the history of Western civilizashe:

OH THAT POOR DOGGIE.

SHOOTING GUARD - CHRIS COLLINS

Defining Duke Characteristic: Such a whiner. Chris Collins argued every call, had a stupid squatting jump shot, and was an embarrassment to his world famous father, Phil Collins. Oh my God who cares can we just talk about how dumb his haircut was?

Haircut: Boring, lame-ass, parted on the side. Dude, you were in college. This was your time to look (and act) like a total bonehead. And yet you decided to rock the same look as my mailman. (NO DISRESPECT TO MY MAILMAN. LOVE YOU, WENDELL.) When I was in college, at least four of my friends tried to grow dreadlocks. Three of them got head lice, BUT THAT'S WHAT COLLEGE WAS ALL ABOUT. I remember shaving my buddy Clamball's head junior year and finding a small Armenian family living in his scalp. The Patroszians. Very nice people, those Patroszians. Ended up going into the rug business. Very, very nice. Always friendly. Possibly drug lords, but very friendly.

Life After Duke: After spending 47 years on Coach K's staff, Chris Collins is now the head coach at Northwestern. This year, the Wildcats failed to make the tournament for the 80th straight year, THANK GAWD.

QUARTERBACK - GREG PAULUS 

Defining Duke Characteristic: For all intents and purposes, Greg Paulus should've been cool. He was the 2005 Gatorade Athlete of the Year after starring as both a point guard and quarterback at New York's Christian Brothers Academy. During his career, Paulus threw for over 10,000 yards (still a state record). By comparison, I threw for 15 yards at my Thanksgiving Turkey Bowl game this year and had to leave the game early because my arm'y warm'y hurt. Paulus ended up choosing basketball over football and turning down loads of scholarship offers to play for Duke. After a four-year career that pretty much sucked a thousand butts, he went to grad school at Syracuse where he STARTED AT QUARTERBACK during the 2009 season. Once again, lotta butt sucking. He also loved to push teammates in their chests to show how fired up he was which I imagine is very annoying when you're a 6'10" McDonald's All American forced to play on the same team as Greg Paulus.

Haircut: Ughghghghghhhhhh.

Life After Duke: Paulus is now an assistant coach at Ohio State where he is shockingly only the second most annoying person in the program -- ranking just behind college basketball's #1 pony boy, Aaron Craft.

POSSIBLY THE BEST COLLEGE PLAYER EVER - CHRISTIAN LAETTNER

Defining Duke Characteristic: I was at that stupid game against Kentucky at the Spectrum and there was a Duke fan sitting directly behind me who was sooooooooooooo annoying, like constantly clapping in my ear and spitting popcorn everywhere and screaming at Coach K to "GIVE MARTY CLARK THE ROCK, BABY!" I actually sat in an aisle seat, and as Laettner's last shot went in, the dude behind me put his hands on my shoulders and LEAPFROGGED OVER MY HEAD. He literally jumped over me. I will never forget it. I saw the shot go down and then a grown man vaulted himself over my soft, teenage body. The guy then proceeded to run up and down the stairs screaming like a lunatic while I tried to trip him.

Haircut: Luke Perry would be nothing in this world without Christian Laetts. NOTHING.

Life After Duke: Dream Teamer, made an NBA all-star game, eventually got a decent haircut. Widely considered to be the greatest college basketball player who ever lived. Personally, I'd give that honor to that Armenian guy on St. Joe's and/or Spike Albrecht, but whatever. Also, in a documentary made about Duke in 2010, everyone pretty much admitted that they hated his guts.

CAPTAIN DORF - CHEROKEE PARKS

Defining Duke Characteristic: I don't really remember the Chief doing anything, ever. He might've knocked down a couple threes and grabbed a few boards, but I'm honestly not sure. He was essentially a doofier, lamer, clammier Christian Laettner. Also mighta been a drug addict.

Haircut: So, so, so floppy.

Life After Duke: I get it. I totally get it. Cherokee wanted to redefine himself once he left Durham and get outta the corny Dukie mold, But those tattoos?!?!

TRUE GRIT?

C'MON, CHIEF.

There is absolutely nothing gritty about Cherokee Parks. He essentially just jacked threes and shied away from contact his entire career. He had to be Byron Mullens' favorite player growing up. Below is a 12-second clip from the end of Cherokee's career, when he was playing in France, that pretty much sums up everything about him.

I IMPLORE you to watch it. (Honestly it's like 13 seconds long. Just watch it.)

[nbcsports_video src=//www.youtube.com/embed/bOZrsodQGuE width=620 height=465]

Pretty sure the dude filming says, "clang" the second after Cherokee jacks that three.

THE BENCH

DEFENSIVE STOPPERS/REAL ESTATE MOGULS - SHANE BATTIER and BRIAN DAVIS

Defining Duke Characteristic: Battier was a flopping machine (which frankly I had no problem with) while BD played just prior to the baggy shorts era and spent his entire career running around and showing off his tight little ass.

Haircut: To this day I have no idea what's going on with Shane Battier's head. Brian Davis had a psuedo-flatop, like he was too scared to REALLY commit to it. I mean, if you're gonna have a flattop, at least have an enormous one like Dominique Wilkins or my Aunt Maxine. For the record, Brian Davis might've sucked more butts than anyone.

Life After Duke: Battier has won two rings with the Miami Heat while Brian Davis made like a billion dollars in the real estate biz -- which makes this post that much more frustrating.

SPARK PLUG - QUIN SNYDER

Defining Duke Characteristic: Coach K's original pony boy. (I keep using that term and yet I have no idea know what it means.)

Haircut: Any man who has to constantly tuck his hair back behind his ears is hardly a man at all. That being said, let it be know that as I'm typing this I'm drinking a non-fat vanilla soy latte from Starbucks and just applied some face lotion to my T-zones.

Life After Duke: Resigned as head coach of Mizzou in 2006 amid rumors that he had a cocaine problem. Has probably had sex with MUCHO sorority girls. Still has yet to add another "n" to his first name.

THE ERIC MEEK, BRIAN ZOUBEK, GREG NEWTON, SHAV RANDOLPH, TAYMON DOMZALSKI, CHRIS BURGESS, JOSH MCROBERTS COMBO PLATTER 

Defining Duke Characteristics: It is incredible that Mark Madsen did not go to Duke.

Haircut: Have you seen Josh McRoberts these days?

LET ME LICK YOU UP AND DOWNNNNNNNNN, TIL YOU SAYYYYYYYY STOP.

I legitimately want to know what kind of conditioner he uses.

Life After Duke: Here's Eric Meek rejecting a guy from a foreign country that may or may not still exist.

[nbcsports_video src=//www.youtube.com/embed/XXJIxGfb1c4 width=620 height=465]

SWAG MASTER GENERAL - AUSTIN RIVERS 

Defining Duke Characteristic: He wore a Sleeverson (that's what my wife calls those Allen Iverson arm sleeve thingies).

Haircut: Ohhhhhhhhh, Austin. That chin hair.

Life After Duke: According to the Elias Sports Bureau, Rivers' rookie season was the worst in the NBA's 68-year history. Here he is getting his ankles broken by James Harden.

[nbcsports_video src=//www.youtube.com/embed/qge70eEDP6o width=620 height=349]

***Quick tangent to explain why Bobby Hurley is not on this list: Dude was nasty. You gotta admit, Bobby Hurley was like the modern day Bob Cooz. Yes, he was from New Jersey, and yes, he kinda looked like a squirrel, but he tore those Dream Teamers up in that scrimmage before the '92 Olympics. Have you seen those clips? HE AND PENNY AND C-WEBB WUZ KILLIN' EM. I would also not be surprised if Bobby Hurls smoked trees with Redman back in the day. He was a bad dude. Other dope Duke ballplayers that should not be featured on this team include: Robert Brickey, Johnny Dawkins, Kyrie Irving, Jabari Parker, Chris Carrawell, Elton Brand, Carlos Boozer, Grant Hill (sorta), Jay Williams, Trajan Langdon and JJ Redick (calm down).

THREE POINT SHOOTER WHO PROBABLY HAS A VERY GOOD LOOKING GIRLFRIEND -- JJ REDICK 

Defining Duke Characteristic: He was a total strokaholic who drained threes on the regg.

Haircut: So much gel/faux hawk/sprout action.

Life After Duke: Continues to drink draino on a daily basis for the LA Clippers.

12TH MAN -- MARTY CLARK 

Defining Duke Characteristic: Considered a deadly three-point sniper despite the fact that he hit four, mayyyyyybe five threes in his entire college career. Slightly edged out Nate James -- a guy who raised the roof more than any player ever -- to make this team.

Haircut: Actually had a pretty decent Johnny Unitas jawn.

Life After Duke: omg who cares life is meaningless.

Follow The Evster @TVMWW.

Instant Replay: Braves 12, Phillies 2

ap-phillies-adam-morgan-face.jpg
The Associated Press

Instant Replay: Braves 12, Phillies 2

BOX SCORE

ATLANTA – The Phillies continued to stumble toward the season’s finish line on Wednesday night. They were hammered, 12-2, by the Atlanta Braves at Turner Field.

Adam Morgan was bruised for 10 hits and nine runs in five innings.

The Phils have lost five of their last six games. They have given up 63 runs over that span.

The Phils have lost six straight to the Braves and are 16-35 in their last 51 games against the NL East.

With four games to play, the Phils are 70-88.

Starting pitching report
Morgan was hit hard early but had to give the Phils some innings as the bullpen has carried a heavy load lately. He finished the season 2-11 with a 6.04 ERA in 23 games, 21 of which were starts.

Atlanta’s Mike Foltynewicz picked up the win. He gave up just one run over five innings.

At the plate
The Phillies had just four hits. They have scored 599 runs this season. They are the only team in the majors not to reach 600.

The Braves had 13 hits, including six for extra bases. They were 5 for 11 with runners in scoring position.

Matt Kemp doubled and homered for the Braves.

Atlanta’s Freddie Freeman extended his hitting streak to 30 games. He has reached base safely in 46 straight games, tying Washington’s Jayson Werth for most this season.

ICYMI
Like Pete Mackanin, GM Matt Klentak sees a need for offense, but he remains committed to the team’s rebuild (see story).

Health check
Roman Quinn is likely done for the season. Aaron Nola is throwing in Florida (see story).

Up next
The series concludes on Thursday night. Jeremy Hellickson (12-10, 3.78) will make his final start of the season (and likely his final with the Phillies) against Atlanta right-hander Josh Collmenter (3-0, 4.19).

It will be the Phillies’ final appearance in Turner Field. The Braves move into a new park next season.

10 Flyers-Devils observations: Travis Konecny impresses

10 Flyers-Devils observations: Travis Konecny impresses

ALLENTOWN, Pa. — The Flyers on Wednesday night took to the PPL Center — home of the AHL affiliate Phantoms — to give fans an early glimpse of the organization’s young talent, much of which will play on a nightly basis in Lehigh Valley.

One player that may reach Philadelphia before he ever lands in Lehigh Valley did not disappoint as the evening’s main attraction.

In his quest to make the Flyers’ roster at 19 years old, heralded prospect Travis Konecny scored a goal and tallied an assist to lead the orange and black past the Devils, 2-0, in their fourth preseason game, improving to 2-2.

Let’s dive into the action with 10 observations from the game:

1. We start with who else? Konecny. Head coach Dave Hakstol paired the talented winger with Brayden Schenn and Michael Raffl, two of the few NHLers to suit up Wednesday. Konecny jumped all over the opportunity, deflecting an Andrew MacDonald shot for a goal 4:30 into the second period. Just shy of five minutes after, he delivered a pretty touch pass to Raffl in front for a 2-0 lead. Konecny just narrowly missed adding another goal and assist, as well, later in the stanza. You know when he’s on the ice because you’ll see bursts of unmatched speed. 

The 5-foot-10, 184-pounder is incredibly shifty with the puck and adept at avoiding contact. At times, he’ll get pushed around when a bigger body squares him up, but he makes up for it with his elusiveness. The 2015 first-round pick sure played the part of an NHL player ready to contribute to a team in need of playmaking.

2. Samuel Morin is a big boy. The 6-foot-7 defenseman really utilizes his tall frame and upper-body strength when battling along the boards. Obviously he needs to work on his skating and puck handling, but he has the size and makeup to compete.

3. Goalies Anthony Stolarz and Alex Lyon will duke it out for playing time in Lehigh Valley. It’s an impressive tandem. Both combined for the shutout. Stolarz, 6-foot-6, made eight saves in the opening period and 11 total over 29:23. He showed good quickness and instincts. Lyon, not so big at 6-foot-1, is sound and holds records for his time at Yale. He converted seven saves. It’s a duo worth keeping tabs on throughout the season.

4. Forward Colin McDonald will be a nice safety net for the Flyers if they ever need a body willing to bring nothing but physicality. He made loud, impactful hits and had a fight — albeit a short and weak one — early in the first period.

5. Defenseman Mark Alt lost a fight quickly in the second period. He may have lost his balance, but he went down hard. Alt appeared fine when he got up. However, he never returned to the game.

6. The Flyers killed two power plays on the night. The PK continued to show more aggressiveness and disruptiveness on the puck carrier, which wasn’t always the case last season. It’s a big reason the Flyers fell in such a big hole against the Capitals during the playoffs. So far this preseason, the Flyers are 16 for 17 on the penalty kill.

7. Along with Schenn, Raffl and MacDonald, other Flyers to play were Boyd Gordon and Chris VandeVelde, who handled themselves well, as expected. Defensive prospect Robert Hagg had an assist, as did Schenn and MacDonald.

8. Keith Kinkaid was in net for the Devils. He’s expected to be New Jersey’s backup netminder. The 27-year-old is 15-14-5 in his career with a 2.71 goals-against average and .909 save percentage. Not crazy stuff, but still a goalie with NHL experience. However …

9. The Devils visit the Rangers Thursday night, so they too deployed a fair share of prospects, resulting in Kinkaid without a ton of help.

10. The PPL Center is a beautiful venue and should be a hot-spot for Flyers fans throughout the 2016-17 season. The trip is doable, parking is accessible and cheap and the arena doesn’t sport a bad seat. The Phantoms should be fun with added experience and talent.