The Evster puts together the all-time most annoying Duke basketball team

The Evster puts together the all-time most annoying Duke basketball team

Everyone should love Duke basketball. Obviously we don't -- because Duke players constantly suck their own butts -- but we should. They play tough defense. They bomb threes. And they sometimes have a mega-ram-bam ram-jammer who does nothing but ram. (Basically I'm just talking about Mason Plumlee here, but you know what I'm saying.) And yet, Duke is still the worst. The absolute worst.

So seeing as Philadelphia is a hub for human suffering, I figured I'd put together the all-time most annoying Duke basketball team just to rile us all up. Then I figured we could make fun of them one by one. Because if there's one thing that brings this city together, it's pissing all over people who are way more successful than us.

Right, Kobe?

Whatever, Sénor Sunglasses!

Get over yourself!

THE STARTERS 

POINT GUARD - WOJO, OBVIOUSLY

Defining Duke Characteristic: No one, and I mean no one, enjoyed slapping that stupid floor more than Steve Wojciechowski (THAT IS A REAL NAME, PEOPLE). Before Wojo, I actually liked the floor slap. It was so primal and intense. Just a dude, bending over, waiving his ass in the air and slamming his palms against the hard, glossy wood. Nothing fires up a defense like a floor slap. The energy picks up, the offense feels challenged, and the chances of someone getting choked out exponentially rises. And that's basically all I want out of life: more choke outs. The other day, I was making sweet, passionate, dirty love to my wife, and in the middle of an outfit change I started slapping the floor like a lemur. Then I threw my back out and had to lay down for a while, but if I hadn't thrown my back out, awwwwww man, she was gonna get it. But stupid Wojo ruined it all. He slapped that floor on like every possession. Plus, he was like 4 foot 6, so he hardly even had to reach down! God, what a stupid name: Wojo. That's like the dumbest name ever. My back hurts so much, all the time. I go through like a tube of Ben Gay a week. Everything I own smells like ointment.

Haircut: Wojo was rocking the mushroom cut around four years after Cherokee Parks ruined the mushroom cut. To make things worse, the sides of Wojo's head were always so sweaty, and he would smooth 'em down while his mushroom top flapped in the breeze. Also, ENORMOUS head.

Life After Duke: Wojo is currently an assistant on Coach K's staff and has the most disgusting white bread mayonnaise family in the history of Western civilizashe:

OH THAT POOR DOGGIE.

SHOOTING GUARD - CHRIS COLLINS

Defining Duke Characteristic: Such a whiner. Chris Collins argued every call, had a stupid squatting jump shot, and was an embarrassment to his world famous father, Phil Collins. Oh my God who cares can we just talk about how dumb his haircut was?

Haircut: Boring, lame-ass, parted on the side. Dude, you were in college. This was your time to look (and act) like a total bonehead. And yet you decided to rock the same look as my mailman. (NO DISRESPECT TO MY MAILMAN. LOVE YOU, WENDELL.) When I was in college, at least four of my friends tried to grow dreadlocks. Three of them got head lice, BUT THAT'S WHAT COLLEGE WAS ALL ABOUT. I remember shaving my buddy Clamball's head junior year and finding a small Armenian family living in his scalp. The Patroszians. Very nice people, those Patroszians. Ended up going into the rug business. Very, very nice. Always friendly. Possibly drug lords, but very friendly.

Life After Duke: After spending 47 years on Coach K's staff, Chris Collins is now the head coach at Northwestern. This year, the Wildcats failed to make the tournament for the 80th straight year, THANK GAWD.

QUARTERBACK - GREG PAULUS 

Defining Duke Characteristic: For all intents and purposes, Greg Paulus should've been cool. He was the 2005 Gatorade Athlete of the Year after starring as both a point guard and quarterback at New York's Christian Brothers Academy. During his career, Paulus threw for over 10,000 yards (still a state record). By comparison, I threw for 15 yards at my Thanksgiving Turkey Bowl game this year and had to leave the game early because my arm'y warm'y hurt. Paulus ended up choosing basketball over football and turning down loads of scholarship offers to play for Duke. After a four-year career that pretty much sucked a thousand butts, he went to grad school at Syracuse where he STARTED AT QUARTERBACK during the 2009 season. Once again, lotta butt sucking. He also loved to push teammates in their chests to show how fired up he was which I imagine is very annoying when you're a 6'10" McDonald's All American forced to play on the same team as Greg Paulus.

Haircut: Ughghghghghhhhhh.

Life After Duke: Paulus is now an assistant coach at Ohio State where he is shockingly only the second most annoying person in the program -- ranking just behind college basketball's #1 pony boy, Aaron Craft.

POSSIBLY THE BEST COLLEGE PLAYER EVER - CHRISTIAN LAETTNER

Defining Duke Characteristic: I was at that stupid game against Kentucky at the Spectrum and there was a Duke fan sitting directly behind me who was sooooooooooooo annoying, like constantly clapping in my ear and spitting popcorn everywhere and screaming at Coach K to "GIVE MARTY CLARK THE ROCK, BABY!" I actually sat in an aisle seat, and as Laettner's last shot went in, the dude behind me put his hands on my shoulders and LEAPFROGGED OVER MY HEAD. He literally jumped over me. I will never forget it. I saw the shot go down and then a grown man vaulted himself over my soft, teenage body. The guy then proceeded to run up and down the stairs screaming like a lunatic while I tried to trip him.

Haircut: Luke Perry would be nothing in this world without Christian Laetts. NOTHING.

Life After Duke: Dream Teamer, made an NBA all-star game, eventually got a decent haircut. Widely considered to be the greatest college basketball player who ever lived. Personally, I'd give that honor to that Armenian guy on St. Joe's and/or Spike Albrecht, but whatever. Also, in a documentary made about Duke in 2010, everyone pretty much admitted that they hated his guts.

CAPTAIN DORF - CHEROKEE PARKS

Defining Duke Characteristic: I don't really remember the Chief doing anything, ever. He might've knocked down a couple threes and grabbed a few boards, but I'm honestly not sure. He was essentially a doofier, lamer, clammier Christian Laettner. Also mighta been a drug addict.

Haircut: So, so, so floppy.

Life After Duke: I get it. I totally get it. Cherokee wanted to redefine himself once he left Durham and get outta the corny Dukie mold, But those tattoos?!?!

TRUE GRIT?

C'MON, CHIEF.

There is absolutely nothing gritty about Cherokee Parks. He essentially just jacked threes and shied away from contact his entire career. He had to be Byron Mullens' favorite player growing up. Below is a 12-second clip from the end of Cherokee's career, when he was playing in France, that pretty much sums up everything about him.

I IMPLORE you to watch it. (Honestly it's like 13 seconds long. Just watch it.)

[nbcsports_video src=//www.youtube.com/embed/bOZrsodQGuE width=620 height=465]

Pretty sure the dude filming says, "clang" the second after Cherokee jacks that three.

THE BENCH

DEFENSIVE STOPPERS/REAL ESTATE MOGULS - SHANE BATTIER and BRIAN DAVIS

Defining Duke Characteristic: Battier was a flopping machine (which frankly I had no problem with) while BD played just prior to the baggy shorts era and spent his entire career running around and showing off his tight little ass.

Haircut: To this day I have no idea what's going on with Shane Battier's head. Brian Davis had a psuedo-flatop, like he was too scared to REALLY commit to it. I mean, if you're gonna have a flattop, at least have an enormous one like Dominique Wilkins or my Aunt Maxine. For the record, Brian Davis might've sucked more butts than anyone.

Life After Duke: Battier has won two rings with the Miami Heat while Brian Davis made like a billion dollars in the real estate biz -- which makes this post that much more frustrating.

SPARK PLUG - QUIN SNYDER

Defining Duke Characteristic: Coach K's original pony boy. (I keep using that term and yet I have no idea know what it means.)

Haircut: Any man who has to constantly tuck his hair back behind his ears is hardly a man at all. That being said, let it be know that as I'm typing this I'm drinking a non-fat vanilla soy latte from Starbucks and just applied some face lotion to my T-zones.

Life After Duke: Resigned as head coach of Mizzou in 2006 amid rumors that he had a cocaine problem. Has probably had sex with MUCHO sorority girls. Still has yet to add another "n" to his first name.

THE ERIC MEEK, BRIAN ZOUBEK, GREG NEWTON, SHAV RANDOLPH, TAYMON DOMZALSKI, CHRIS BURGESS, JOSH MCROBERTS COMBO PLATTER 

Defining Duke Characteristics: It is incredible that Mark Madsen did not go to Duke.

Haircut: Have you seen Josh McRoberts these days?

LET ME LICK YOU UP AND DOWNNNNNNNNN, TIL YOU SAYYYYYYYY STOP.

I legitimately want to know what kind of conditioner he uses.

Life After Duke: Here's Eric Meek rejecting a guy from a foreign country that may or may not still exist.

[nbcsports_video src=//www.youtube.com/embed/XXJIxGfb1c4 width=620 height=465]

SWAG MASTER GENERAL - AUSTIN RIVERS 

Defining Duke Characteristic: He wore a Sleeverson (that's what my wife calls those Allen Iverson arm sleeve thingies).

Haircut: Ohhhhhhhhh, Austin. That chin hair.

Life After Duke: According to the Elias Sports Bureau, Rivers' rookie season was the worst in the NBA's 68-year history. Here he is getting his ankles broken by James Harden.

[nbcsports_video src=//www.youtube.com/embed/qge70eEDP6o width=620 height=349]

***Quick tangent to explain why Bobby Hurley is not on this list: Dude was nasty. You gotta admit, Bobby Hurley was like the modern day Bob Cooz. Yes, he was from New Jersey, and yes, he kinda looked like a squirrel, but he tore those Dream Teamers up in that scrimmage before the '92 Olympics. Have you seen those clips? HE AND PENNY AND C-WEBB WUZ KILLIN' EM. I would also not be surprised if Bobby Hurls smoked trees with Redman back in the day. He was a bad dude. Other dope Duke ballplayers that should not be featured on this team include: Robert Brickey, Johnny Dawkins, Kyrie Irving, Jabari Parker, Chris Carrawell, Elton Brand, Carlos Boozer, Grant Hill (sorta), Jay Williams, Trajan Langdon and JJ Redick (calm down).

THREE POINT SHOOTER WHO PROBABLY HAS A VERY GOOD LOOKING GIRLFRIEND -- JJ REDICK 

Defining Duke Characteristic: He was a total strokaholic who drained threes on the regg.

Haircut: So much gel/faux hawk/sprout action.

Life After Duke: Continues to drink draino on a daily basis for the LA Clippers.

12TH MAN -- MARTY CLARK 

Defining Duke Characteristic: Considered a deadly three-point sniper despite the fact that he hit four, mayyyyyybe five threes in his entire college career. Slightly edged out Nate James -- a guy who raised the roof more than any player ever -- to make this team.

Haircut: Actually had a pretty decent Johnny Unitas jawn.

Life After Duke: omg who cares life is meaningless.

Follow The Evster @TVMWW.

Eagles Stay or Go Part 3: Trey Burton to Vinny Curry

Eagles Stay or Go Part 3: Trey Burton to Vinny Curry

In the third of our 12-part offseason series examining the future of the Eagles, Reuben Frank and Dave Zangaro give their opinions on who will be and who won't be on the roster in 2017. We go alphabetically — Part 3 is Burton to Curry.

Trey Burton
Restricted free agent

Roob: Burton caught 14 passes the first nine games of the year and 23 the last six games of the year. One of the few Eagles who actually showed significant improvement as the year went on. He did drop a few too many passes, which is surprising for the usually sure-handed tight end. But overall Burton continued to progress and show signs that he can be a very good receiver in this offense. Burton isn’t a Zach Ertz, but there’s no reason he and Ertz can’t be a pretty potent 1-2 tight end punch. Burton will catch 50 passes next year and continue to improve as a blocker. A nice player who can do a lot of different things. 

Verdict: STAYS

Dave: Burton had a career-high 37 catches in 2016 after having just three in his first three seasons. The Eagles would love to have Burton back next season, but they might not be able to afford it. They really have two options. One would be to use the lowest tender, which would allow teams to negotiate with him and sign him without compensation; that price would be about $1.8 million. Or they could place a second-round tender on him, which means any team that signs him would have to give the Eagles a second-round pick; that price would be around $2.75 million next season. If the Eagles place the original round (lowest) tender on him, which I see happening, other teams might be interested. The Eagles would then have the ability to match an offer, but how much money are they going to put into the tight end position? 

Verdict: GOES

Nolan Carroll
Unrestricted free agent

Roob: Carroll isn’t as bad as Nnamdi Asomugha or Byron Maxwell or Bradley Fletcher or even Leodis McKelvin, but he is yet another in a seemingly endless list of free-agent cornerbacks the Eagles have spent a fortune for that haven’t panned out. Carroll isn’t awful, but let’s be honest. He’s really not much of a playmaker, he gets beat way too often, he’s inconsistent and the Eagles need to get better at corner. Carroll is a free agent, and I don’t see any reason to re-sign him. He had just one interception this year, and 44 NFL cornerbacks had more. He’s just a guy, and the Eagles need more than that. 

Verdict: GOES

Dave: Carroll was brought back on a one-year deal for 2016 after he visited with the Cowboys. The deal wasn’t worth a ton — just over $2 million — so they could go with the same type of deal to bring him back for next season. But do they want to? Carroll didn’t have his best season and even admitted as much. It might be time to part ways and try to upgrade at the position long term. 

Verdict: GOES

Brent Celek
Cap hit: $5M

Roob: Celek isn’t going anywhere. Thanks to that somewhat mystifying three-year contract extension last offseason, he would count $6 million in dead money if the Eagles released him. As opposed to $2 million in salary. So Celek, who is still a capable blocker and catches just about everything he can get to, will be back for an 11th year in an Eagles uniform. I have no problem with Celek staying. He's been a tremendous Eagle on and off the field for a long, long time. It’s just the Eagles have so many weaknesses and then this glut of tight ends, which doesn’t make a lot of sense. But at least they’re deep somewhere. 

Verdict: STAYS

Dave: Yeah, $5 million is a big cap hit for a guy who has pretty much become a blocking tight end. With his new deal, though, the Eagles wouldn’t save money if they cut him. And they probably wouldn’t want to anyway. I’m not really one for keeping a guy just for leadership, but I think the Eagles want Celek to retire as an Eagle. If he can hold on for two more seasons, he’ll do that. 

Verdict: STAYS

Don Cherry

Roob: The former Villanova Wildcat will get a chance to impress during offseason workouts, but his most likely landing spot if he impresses is the practice squad. 

Verdict: GOES

Dave: The Villanova linebacker spent most of the 2016 season on the Eagles’ practice squad, so he’s an unlikely candidate to make the 53-man roster in 2017. Still, he’ll be in training camp and get a chance to prove himself. Maybe he can hang on the practice squad another year. 

Verdict: GOES

Fletcher Cox
Cap hit: $9.4M

Roob: Cox was good this year but not as dominating as last year, and it will be interesting to watch how his career progresses as the huge base salaries start to kick in. Cox has a $9.4 million cap hit this year, $17.9 the following year and as high as $22 million in 2019 before dropping to $20.3 million, $17.2 million and $17.1 million. Needless to say, that is an unprecedented investment. The Eagles aren’t paying him to be good, they’re paying him to be one of the upper-echelon elite defensive players in the NFL, and this year, he just wasn’t on that level. He’s not going anywhere for a long time, but he has to be consistently better than he was this past season for that contract to be worth it. 

Verdict: STAYS

Dave: A tough one here. Just kidding. Cox might have had a down season statistically, finishing with just 6½ sacks, but those stats don’t tell the whole story. Cox is still the most disruptive force on the Eagles’ defense and brings double teams all the time, which in theory should help his teammates. He needs to eventually find ways to beat those double teams and I think he will. 

Verdict: STAYS

Vinny Curry
Cap hit: $9M

Roob: Curry’s another one who’s not going anywhere. You want to cut him after a disappointing 2½-sack season? Get ready for a $15 million dead money hit. That’s not happening. Curry’s five-year, $46.25 million contract looks like a mistake now, but the Eagles can’t get out from under it until 2018 at the earliest. Curry will be here for at least one more year. 

Verdict: STAYS

Dave: Curry got paid last offseason and didn’t have much to show for it in 2016. He signed a five-year extension worth $46.25 million and then went out and played just 43 percent of the Eagles’ defensive snaps and had just 2½ sacks. That’s the same number of sacks Marcus Smith had in 2016. Curry had nine sacks in 2014 and has 10 in the other combined four years of his career. But that contract is just kicking in and he’s not going anywhere. 

Verdict: STAYS

Tanner Laczynski's development not being lost in sweet freshman year at Ohio State

Tanner Laczynski's development not being lost in sweet freshman year at Ohio State

TORONTO — First semester of college can often be a challenge for many students, but for Tanner Laczynski, the experience was a sweet one — literally. 

Part of Laczynski’s course load at Ohio State University was “Chocolate Science.” According to the course website, students receive an “introduction to science and business of chocolate. Students develop and market a chocolate product as part of a virtual company. Students taste commercial products.” 

Laczynski, who plans to declare his major in business in his second semester, got a lesson in chocolates from around the world during the course. 

“Chocolate Science wasn't bad,” Laczynski said with a laugh a few weeks ago. “All I did was eat chocolate and write a paper about it. There's lots of different chocolate, and they all taste good.” 

Growing up 43 miles outside of Chicago in Shorewood, Illinois, Laczynski wasn’t a big football fan, saying there wasn’t much to cheer for with respects to the Bears, but since relocating to the Buckeye State, he’s taken up interest in the local team. 

“That's a big part of it,” Laczynski said of attending OSU. “I've been to two games, they haven't been the strongest opponents so kind of blowouts.” 

Laczynski was in the middle of a nap when the Flyers used their sixth-round pick to select him on the second day of the 2016 NHL draft. He was admittedly startled to be woken up by his parents, Ken and Dawn, along with sister Payton and brother Hayden.

“I'd just gotten back home from coaching some kids, it was early in the morning, came back, took a nap and my parents were all excited,” Laczynski said. “I was still tired from my nap, but woke up pretty quick. 

“They just kind of attacked me so I was kind of like, 'What's going on?' at first. That was unbelievable and it's a moment I won't forget."

After a quick phone call from his agent, Flyers amateur scout Nick Pryor and John Riley, in charge of player development in Philly, were on the phone to welcome Laczynski to the club. 

This season, the 19-year-old had six goals and 16 assists in 15 games prior to leaving to join Team USA at the World Junior Hockey Championships.  

The under-20 tournament is the third time Laczynski has represented the U.S. internationally. He also wore Team USA colors for the under-18 Ivan Hlinka Memorial tournament and the under-19 World Junior A Challenge.

Through the first six games at the world juniors, Laczynski tallied one goal and an assist. He missed the semifinals against Russia because of an illness, but was in the lineup as the Americans defeated the Canadians, 5-4, in a shootout to win gold.

Despite being just three months into his first year at OSU, the Flyers remain in constant communication with their prospect. 

“I talk to John Riley quite a bit, he's always in contact with me sending me game film and sending me clips of NHL highlights and stuff like that,” Laczynski said. “We keep in touch, it's a relationship and it's nice to keep in touch with him.”

During his freshman season, skating has been an area of focus for the 6-foot-1, 190-pound forward.

“I think my big thing is my first couple steps, just my quickness, stopping, getting back on it. I think that's my biggest thing,” he said. “Once I get that down, I feel like I have the speed, but just build an extra step, just improve on that, I think that'll be a tremendous help to my game.” 

Laczynski, who spent three seasons in the USHL prior to committing to the Buckeyes, said he tries to model his game after one-time Flyer Jaromir Jagr. 

“He's kind of the guy that I watched a lot just because of his puck protection and everything,” Laczynski said. “I try to kind of use my body to protect the puck down low and create some chances in the offensive zone. 

“He's got a really good stick — I try to watch that and have an active stick in the defensive zone and offensive zone, as well.” 

In his conversations with Riley and Pryor, the expectations for Laczynski are clear.

“Their goal for me is just to consistently play nine out of 10 nights instead of that seven out of 10 nights and get my game elevated a little bit more, play more consistently,” Laczynski said.

“I think that's the biggest thing.”