Halloween candy, ranked

Halloween candy, ranked
October 31, 2013, 10:02 am
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In sadly predictable fashion, my usual area of expertise -- the Philadelphia Union -- spent the last two weeks of the season totally imploding when they had their playoff destiny all to themselves. The MLS playoffs kicked off Wednesday night without the Union (you're going to cringe when I say this, but I'm predicting the New York Red Bulls will beat the Galaxy for their first-ever title). This means the 2012 Sixers are still the city's most recent playoff team (although this year's Sixers are going 82-0 now, so we have that to look forward to).

We'll get to the Union's offseason needs (many), plans (who the heck knows with this team) and dreams in the weeks to come.

But with today being Halloween, and in deference to Enrico's Pulitzer Prize-nominated post from earlier this month -- Tastykakes, ranked -- I offer the Top 5 Halloween Candies for your perusal, ridicule and praise. If the NSA is reading this (and I know you are), just turn this into a law and demand that everyone MUST hand out one or more of the Top 5 items to qualify for Obamacare.

A few rules:

  • We're sticking to so-called "fun sized" candy. Of course, all rules below go out the window when Mrs. Freeman up the street gives out full-size Snickers.
  • We're ignoring people who try to give out "alternative" options like apples, toothbrushes and Goldfish (the cracker, not the animal). Because, really, those people don't deserve to be mentioned on a fine website like this.
  • Please show some effort if you want candy. You can trick-or-treat past the age of 12. But holding your phone in front of your face and calling yourself an "obnoxious teenager" doesn't qualify as a costume. I'm a dad now who made a homemade costume this year. And I've never been a Halloween person. So the least you can do is show some initiative.

Now, onto the important stuff. We'll go from the bottom up.

154. Candy Corn

Seriously? SERIOUSLY? That ish is gross.

98. Starburst

I love Starburst. I do. I pick up a pack quite often on an impulse run through the Wawa. But the little Halloween packs are horrendous. First, there's only two pieces in each pack. Second, there's always the chance you'll get two yellows or two oranges and then you'll want to stab someone with your plastic trident. Third, if you don't eat them on the walk to the next house, you'll open them later to find them stale enough to rip your teeth out.

87. Smarties

Another candy I like at times. But come on, lady at the top of the hill, you have 54 steps to reach the front door. Show some damn effort.

32. M&Ms*

Again, a quality candy. But totally disappointing in the fun size packs. This is also what my wife bought for us to hand out, so you might want to skip our house (*NOTE: If they make the Pretzel M&Ms in a fun size and you find them, put up the bat signal and I'll be over right away. Those things are the No. 1 jawn).

... Now, for the good stuff ...

6. Nerds

Totally underrated, and just missing out on the Top 5. Lots of candy in a little box. Plus you get to tip it back and dump it in your mouth LIKE A BOSS. Don't sleep on the Nerds.

5. Skittles

The only non-chocolate item in the top 5. Who doesn't love Skittles? They're sweet, they're delicious and they provide a nice changeup from the chocolate-heavy pillowcase/bag/basket/oversized hoodie you're toting around the neighborhood. All the flavors are equally excellent, which is not something I can say about my beloved Sweettarts which have been ruined ever since the green ones went from lime to sour apple because it poisons the whole pack and makes every single one taste like freaking sour apple which is horrendous WHY DID YOU DO THIS!?!?

4. Milky Way

Often forgotten in the world of Snickers and Reese Cups, I prefer the caramel/nougat combo over bars with peanuts or peanut butter. Why? No, I'm not allergic to peanuts. I love peanut butter. I love chocolate. But I'm THAT GUY who absolutely, positively despises peanut butter and chocolate together (I assume Obama and the NSA are coming to get me now).

3. 3 Musketeers

My second-favorite childhood candy of all time (see Sweettart rant above) is a Halloween staple. It's underrated in the candy world, getting pushed aside by Snickers (eww) and Milky Way. A solid two bites in every fun size bar, and even better if you freeze it and then throw it against the concrete before enjoying. Plus, how do they make that awesome fluffy filling? Really, I want to learn.

2. Twix

They're chocolaty, crunchy, caramel-y. They're delicious. Maybe it's just the crunch -- which forces a more active eating experience -- but you feel like you get a lot more for your doorbell-ringing effort. Enough chews to savor it before digging back in the bag for more. The only way this could be better is if they brought back the old Cookies N' Cream variety from back in the day (seriously, there's a real petition -- just digi-sign it). Oh, nostalgia.

1. Kit-Kat

The best chocolate candy money can buy. The right amount of crunch mixed with a perfect amount of sweet. Just melty enough to get on your fingers but not melty enough to be gross. Plus, the fact that you can break it into two pieces before eating makes you feel like you're doubling your haul. There really should be a live Google map of houses giving away Kit-Kats.

Enrico's note: the views in this post are those of the author alone. Do not hold any ill will against other members of this site because he didn't include Snickers. You're gonna rank Smarties higher than Starburst? Did someone lace your candy?

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