The Evster Asks "What Kind of Soccer Fan Are You?"

The Evster Asks "What Kind of Soccer Fan Are You?"

Just a guy wearing a horse head.

Like it or not, soccer fever has swept the US. And while casual fans are experiencing some light sniffles before the new season, a host of white people have become fully consumed by the virus, barfing their brains out in anticipation of this weekend's fixtures. On Saturday and Sunday morning, they will invade our pubs, wear shirts that promote obscure Arab airlines and fail to finish the stewed tomatoes that come with their English Breakfast. Soccer fans come in all shapes and sizes, with varying levels of knowledge and interest in a sport that is scientifically proven to be super-sonic boring. What kind of futbol fan are you? Read on to find out.

LEVEL 9 BONKERS AMERICAN - You own multiple jerseys of your favourite club and even have a full kit that you break out for big matches. You use words like "kit" and "matches" and "pitch" and "pace" and "DARBY" and cannot listen to 30 seconds of Eric Wynalda's rambling without telling him to stop sucking his own D. You argue with your cable provider pretty much every August, making sure you can watch your precious Man United or AC Milan or Barcelona or whatever front-running team that served as the catalyst for your latest European vacation. You once had a real, live African person give you a thumbs up after he spotted you wearing your Didier Drogba jersey. This was by far the greatest moment of your life. You've never admitted this to anyone, but you post on football message boards pretty much every day, and even once went to a bar to meet up with your favourite team's supporters club, but got too nervous and just stood in the corner sipping your beer like a sap. Nothing excites you more than transfer rumours. You follow Nicklas Bendtner on Twitter. You are insufferable.

CASUAL FAN - You pretend to understand the Champions League, but have absolutely no idea where Galatasary plays. You rarely pay attention during actual matches, but enjoy having a pint with the fellas and get super excited when your favourite Ghananian comes on in the 73rd. You're anti all of the big clubs, root for teams that have had new-found success like Man City or Borussia Dortmund, although secretly you wish you knew more about Napoli. You have never once pronounced a Belgian's name correctly. You love Andres Iniesta, but mostly because of his hairline, and you once spent an entire 90 minutes marveling over Branislav Ivanovic's thighs. It's no big deal if you miss a match or forget that soccer exists for a few months, because you are living life the way it was supposed to be lived. You probably have a super hot girlfriend. Your knowledge of soccer is minimal, but you are smart enough to recognize that Eric Wynalda sucks his own D.

Whatever, Flamini. Brannie's got thighs like what, what what.

MLS 4 LYFE- Look, I understand that you're excited that soccer came to America, but you need to settle down. Yeah, going to a game at PPL Park is fun, and the whole snake thing the Union have going on is kinda cool, but dude, you're embarrassing yourself. Your favourite European team is whatever one Michael Bradley is currently playing on, even though you have never seen Michael Bradley play a European fixture. You listen to Pearl Jam. You need to reevaluate your life.

MR. I PLAYED SOCCER AT LEHIGH, LOOK AT ME, I'VE GOT FANCY STEP-OVER MOVES - You play in an adult rec league where you constantly appeal to the ref by calling him "sir." You own cleats that were made post-1998 and are surprisingly fit for a person who spends all day in a cubicle. No one likes watching you run around while they're dry-heaving on the sidelines. You don't really support any specific club, but if you had to pick one, it'd be Liverpool. You make sure to say, "He's so crafty, though," whenever anyone bashes Luis Suarez. You have been known to have some really, really, really stupid haircuts. How you got a girlfriend is beyond me. You are seriously the worst person in the world. You know who you are. You play in that Manayunk co-ed league on Thursday nights. You need to stop slide-tackling into chicks. I LOATHE you.

PERSON WHO STUDIED ABROAD IN GERMANY DURING THE SPRING OF 2002 - You know more about Borussia Monchengladbach than 95% of the western world and pronounce the word "Munich" as "Munchen". You own many, many, many pairs of brown shoes.

YOU ARE A NORWEGIAN PERSON - People can tell you're foreign simply by your socks. You know super secret websites that stream live feeds of games which enables you to keep tabs on your boyhood club from the outskirts of Oslo, a squad that currently plays in the Norwegian sixth division. You have never technically killed a man, but you have witnessed many men die in front of you.

GUY WHO LIKES AMERICAN FOOTBALL AND ONLY AMERICAN FOOTBALL - You own a bunch of Under Armour performance tank tops and are totally cool with that Geno's Steaks sign that reads "YOU MUST ORDER IN ENGLISH." Everything you do in life revolves around the words "LA Fitness." You consistently pay women for sex and have never, ever understood Monty Python. You need to wake up and smell the Earl Grey. The real football season is here. Vamanos!

Follow The Evster @TVMWW.

La Salle pummeled by VCU, 90-52, snapping 5-game streak

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USA Today Images

La Salle pummeled by VCU, 90-52, snapping 5-game streak

RICHMOND, Va. -- Justin Tillman had 16 points and nine rebounds to lead five VCU players in double figures in a 90-52 victory over La Salle on Sunday.

VCU held La Salle to 15 made field goals and forced 16 turnovers.

VCU went on a 19-0 first-half run -- with 11 points from JeQuan Lewis -- for a 38-14 lead and the Rams led 42-16 at halftime after shooting 51.5 percent. Lewis made 5 of 6 shots and had 13 of his 15 points in the first half.

Samir Doughty added 15 points for VCU (15-5, 5-2 Atlantic 10). Ahmed Hamdy-Mohamed had 13 points and 11 rebounds and Jordan Burgess scored 10. Tillman was 7 of 10 from the field as the Rams shot 56.5 percent.

Jordan Price and Saul Phiri each scored 11 points for La Salle (11-6, 5-2) and Pookie Powell added 10. It was a season-high for the freshman Phiri but the Explorers were just 15-of-53 shooting (28.3 percent).

The Sixers without Joel Embiid: Still just the Sixers

The Sixers without Joel Embiid: Still just the Sixers

Well, if anyone hoped the Sixers' performance at game's end against Portland on Friday night -- with Joel Embiid riding the bench, ruled out for the game's remainder with a left knee contusion -- would carry over to an entirely Embiid-less game again Saturdaynight... I guess you're not alone, 'coz I sorta did. Perhaps it shouldn't have been particularly surprising to see that the Sixers were still the same team last night in Atlanta they were the previous Saturday against the Wizards: good enough to hang against an above-average East team, but not nearly good enough to actually win. 

At least they kept this one closer longer. Normally, against the Hawks, once the single-digit lead in the first half balloons into the double-digit lead in the third quarter, it never deflates back, but this time we cut it down to seven a couple times -- just never hitting that one big shot that would've really made things interesting, ultimately losing 110-93. It doesn't help that Nik Stauskas is in the midst of one of his most refrigerated runs as a Sixer, going just 7-30 (3-16 from deep) over Philly's last five games, or that Dario Saric is similarly bricking shots near and wide, a remarkable 2 for 22 over his last couple contests. 

This, sadly, is a primary reason why the Sixers' playoff hopes, while fun to dream about, are still unlikely to be more than a flicker. Over the next few weeks, the Sixers have a trio of back-to-backs coming up, with the back-end games coming against Milwaukee, Sacramento and San Antonio -- none of which Philly, 2-12 without their star center, are probable to win sans JoJo. Even if they can take care of business with Embiid on the court, it'll be tough to make up the ground that the Sons of Sam need to while they have to drop one every three or four games as Joel sits. 

That's fine, though. This season's been super-fun, but we shouldn't get too far ahead of ourselves: Let's ensure Embiid's health, maybe get Ben Simmons out there too, secure a nice draft pick or two (though the plummeting Kings could be of significant help with that themselves), and focus on making next year even more of a thing. The future remains impossibly bright, even if the present is going to have to be borderline-unwatchable once or twice a week.