The Evster Asks "What Kind of Soccer Fan Are You?"

The Evster Asks "What Kind of Soccer Fan Are You?"

Just a guy wearing a horse head.

Like it or not, soccer fever has swept the US. And while casual fans are experiencing some light sniffles before the new season, a host of white people have become fully consumed by the virus, barfing their brains out in anticipation of this weekend's fixtures. On Saturday and Sunday morning, they will invade our pubs, wear shirts that promote obscure Arab airlines and fail to finish the stewed tomatoes that come with their English Breakfast. Soccer fans come in all shapes and sizes, with varying levels of knowledge and interest in a sport that is scientifically proven to be super-sonic boring. What kind of futbol fan are you? Read on to find out.

LEVEL 9 BONKERS AMERICAN - You own multiple jerseys of your favourite club and even have a full kit that you break out for big matches. You use words like "kit" and "matches" and "pitch" and "pace" and "DARBY" and cannot listen to 30 seconds of Eric Wynalda's rambling without telling him to stop sucking his own D. You argue with your cable provider pretty much every August, making sure you can watch your precious Man United or AC Milan or Barcelona or whatever front-running team that served as the catalyst for your latest European vacation. You once had a real, live African person give you a thumbs up after he spotted you wearing your Didier Drogba jersey. This was by far the greatest moment of your life. You've never admitted this to anyone, but you post on football message boards pretty much every day, and even once went to a bar to meet up with your favourite team's supporters club, but got too nervous and just stood in the corner sipping your beer like a sap. Nothing excites you more than transfer rumours. You follow Nicklas Bendtner on Twitter. You are insufferable.

CASUAL FAN - You pretend to understand the Champions League, but have absolutely no idea where Galatasary plays. You rarely pay attention during actual matches, but enjoy having a pint with the fellas and get super excited when your favourite Ghananian comes on in the 73rd. You're anti all of the big clubs, root for teams that have had new-found success like Man City or Borussia Dortmund, although secretly you wish you knew more about Napoli. You have never once pronounced a Belgian's name correctly. You love Andres Iniesta, but mostly because of his hairline, and you once spent an entire 90 minutes marveling over Branislav Ivanovic's thighs. It's no big deal if you miss a match or forget that soccer exists for a few months, because you are living life the way it was supposed to be lived. You probably have a super hot girlfriend. Your knowledge of soccer is minimal, but you are smart enough to recognize that Eric Wynalda sucks his own D.

Whatever, Flamini. Brannie's got thighs like what, what what.

MLS 4 LYFE- Look, I understand that you're excited that soccer came to America, but you need to settle down. Yeah, going to a game at PPL Park is fun, and the whole snake thing the Union have going on is kinda cool, but dude, you're embarrassing yourself. Your favourite European team is whatever one Michael Bradley is currently playing on, even though you have never seen Michael Bradley play a European fixture. You listen to Pearl Jam. You need to reevaluate your life.

MR. I PLAYED SOCCER AT LEHIGH, LOOK AT ME, I'VE GOT FANCY STEP-OVER MOVES - You play in an adult rec league where you constantly appeal to the ref by calling him "sir." You own cleats that were made post-1998 and are surprisingly fit for a person who spends all day in a cubicle. No one likes watching you run around while they're dry-heaving on the sidelines. You don't really support any specific club, but if you had to pick one, it'd be Liverpool. You make sure to say, "He's so crafty, though," whenever anyone bashes Luis Suarez. You have been known to have some really, really, really stupid haircuts. How you got a girlfriend is beyond me. You are seriously the worst person in the world. You know who you are. You play in that Manayunk co-ed league on Thursday nights. You need to stop slide-tackling into chicks. I LOATHE you.

PERSON WHO STUDIED ABROAD IN GERMANY DURING THE SPRING OF 2002 - You know more about Borussia Monchengladbach than 95% of the western world and pronounce the word "Munich" as "Munchen". You own many, many, many pairs of brown shoes.

YOU ARE A NORWEGIAN PERSON - People can tell you're foreign simply by your socks. You know super secret websites that stream live feeds of games which enables you to keep tabs on your boyhood club from the outskirts of Oslo, a squad that currently plays in the Norwegian sixth division. You have never technically killed a man, but you have witnessed many men die in front of you.

GUY WHO LIKES AMERICAN FOOTBALL AND ONLY AMERICAN FOOTBALL - You own a bunch of Under Armour performance tank tops and are totally cool with that Geno's Steaks sign that reads "YOU MUST ORDER IN ENGLISH." Everything you do in life revolves around the words "LA Fitness." You consistently pay women for sex and have never, ever understood Monty Python. You need to wake up and smell the Earl Grey. The real football season is here. Vamanos!

Follow The Evster @TVMWW.

Best of MLB: Stephen Strasburg wins 14th as Nationals down Indians

Best of MLB: Stephen Strasburg wins 14th as Nationals down Indians

CLEVELAND -- Stephen Strasburg shut down Cleveland for seven innings and bounced back from his only loss this season, leading the Washington Nationals to a 4-1 win over the Indians on Wednesday.

Strasburg (14-1) began the season with 13 straight wins before he was beaten by the Los Angeles Dodgers on July 21. The powerful right-hander shook off that blemish, holding the Indians to only three hits as the Nationals recovered after blowing a two-run lead in the ninth and losing on Tuesday night.

Washington rookie Trea Turner drove in three runs and Daniel Murphy hit his 20th homer off Carlos Carrasco (7-4), who nearly matched Strasburg but was done in by one bad inning.

Nationals reliever Blake Treinen stopped Cleveland's threat in the ninth, getting a game-ending double play for his major league save.

Strasburg walked one and struck out seven (see full recap)

Cardinals snap Familia's saves streak, rally past Mets 5-4
NEW YORK -- Yadier Molina and pinch-hitter Kolten Wong each stroked an RBI double in the ninth inning, and the St. Louis Cardinals ended Jeurys Familia's streak of 52 straight saves in rallying past the New York Mets 5-4 on Wednesday night.

Yoenis Cespedes hit a go-ahead homer off Adam Wainwright to cap a three-run comeback in the seventh that gave the Mets a 4-3 lead. But then Familia, who hadn't blown a regular-season save opportunity since July 30 last year, finally faltered.

Jedd Gyorko drew a one-out walk in the ninth and was replaced by pinch-runner Randal Grichuk. Molina hit the next pitch to deep center field, and Grichuk scored standing up to tie it.

Molina was thrown out at third by Familia (2-2) on pinch-hitter Jeremy Hazelbaker's comebacker, but Hazelbaker stole second and scored when Wong lined a double just inside the left-field line.

Familia's franchise-record saves streak was the third-longest in major league history behind Tom Gordon (54) and Eric Gagne (84).

Jonathan Broxton (3-2) tossed a scoreless eighth and Seung Hwan Oh got three quick outs for his sixth save (see full recap)

Padres hit 3 HRs to extend streak, beat Blue Jays 8-4
TORONTO -- Adam Rosales hit a two-run home run, Alex Dickerson and Brett Wallace each hit solo shots and the San Diego Padres beat the Toronto Blue Jays 8-4 on Wednesday, avoiding a three-game sweep.

San Diego extended its club-record streak of games with at least one home run to 25. It's the longest run since the 2002 Texas Rangers set a major league record by homering in 27 straight.

Luis Perdomo (5-4) allowed four runs and six hits in 5 2-3 innings to win back-to-back starts.

Wallace reached base three times. He was hit by a pitch and scored on Rosales' homer in the third, connected off R.A. Dickey in the fifth and hit an RBI single off Joe Biagini in the sixth.

Dickerson homered for the fourth time in four games when he connected off Franklin Morales in the eighth. He is first Padres rookie to homer in four straight games.

Dickey (7-12) allowed seven runs, six earned, and four hits in 5 2-3 innings. The knuckleballer is winless in three starts and has allowed six home runs in that span (see full recap).

Eric Rowe explains 'hiccups,' ready for fresh start in pads

Eric Rowe explains 'hiccups,' ready for fresh start in pads

Earlier this week, Doug Pederson admitted cornerback Eric Rowe had some “hiccups” during the spring, and seemed to indicate they stemmed from learning a new defense. 

Rowe says that wasn’t the problem at all.

“It wasn’t the new defense that was giving me whatever hiccups [Pederson] was talking about,” Rowe said on Wednesday as he reported for his second training camp (see Day 3 observations). “It was just, I was having trouble breaking on top of the routes, specifically the curl routes. But fade ball, deep post, digs, I didn’t have any trouble there. It was just curl routes. I just knew I had to work on it after the OTAs.”

Rowe, 23, said the problem was technical; he just needed to get his feet down quicker.

Whatever the problem, whatever the hiccups, it seems as though Rowe’s standing within the organization and on the depth chart isn’t what it once was.

Many thought he would be a starter in 2016, like he was at the end of 2015, but that wasn’t the way things were in the spring. Instead, Leodis McKelvin and Ron Brooks took those positions, and it looks like Nolan Carroll, returning from an injury, and rookie Jalen Mills, who hasn’t yet practiced in pads, are vying for playing time, too.

In back-to-back days earlier this week, Pederson and defensive coordinator Jim Schwartz failed to mention Rowe’s name while listing players at the cornerback spot. Coincidental omissions or a vocalized unofficial depth chart?

Rowe could possibly go from starter to deep bench player, but that’s not what he’s planning on.

“I know I had a little ups and downs in OTAs, but now the pads are coming on,” Rowe said. “I feel like it’s a fresh start for me and I’m just ready to get out here.”

Pads go on Saturday.

“Right now, I think I still stand in a good position (with the team),” Rowe said. “Football is about the game with pads on. Now we’re really about to see in a couple days when we put the pads on.”

Small in stature, Wendell Smallwood likes to play big

Small in stature, Wendell Smallwood likes to play big

He looks like a small back. He's built like a small back. He wants to play like a big back.

Wendell Smallwood, trying to make the Eagles as a reserve tailback, stands 5-foot-10, 208 pounds, but he said he’s got a surprise for defenders that think he’s one of those itty-bitty backs that dances around looking pretty … until they get hit.

“I think that’s what most people expect,” he said Tuesday. “But when I actually put my head down and fight for those extra yards and get under guys, guys start to say, ‘Hey!’ They start to feel me a little bit.

“So I definitely think that started to show my last year in college, and I started becoming more of an inside zone type of runner instead of an outside runner.”

None of this should be a surprise considering Smallwood’s position coach is Duce Staley, who during his 10-year NFL career was much more interested in running over people than around them.

Smallwood is nowhere near as big as Staley, who played at about 235 to 240. But that’s the kind of back he wants to be.

“It’s definitely important to me and it’s definitely what Duce wants me to do,” Smallwood said. “He wants me to hit the holes and hit ‘em hard and that’s the reason he got me here.

“Duce, he doesn’t like small backs. He doesn’t. I don’t think he believes in those guys. He was a big boy. Running dudes over left and right. That’s what he wants.”

Smallwood played sparingly as a freshman at West Virginia, shared time with Rushel Shell as a sophomore, then took over last year when he led the Big 12 with 1,519 rushing yards and added nine touchdowns, 26 catches and a 6.4 rushing average.

The Eagles plucked him out of Morgantown in the fifth round, and in an uncertain running back picture, he’s got a realistic chance to not just make the team but also play a role.

Just don’t expect him to play like a typical guy his size.

“I don’t consider myself a small back anymore,” he said. “People have always said that and I kind of started to agree, but then I looked at some of the guys who are around and I’m not a small back at all.

“I’m not little and the running style I like to do is suited for a big back, and my catching kind of throws people off. I definitely think I’m a mixture of both.”

Smallwood ranked 13th in Division I in rushing yards last year, and his 6.4 average was tied for ninth among backs with at least 200 carries.

He said a lot of defenders expect him to be a finesse back, a guy who likes to juke safeties and linebackers instead of bowling them over.

“Get me going downhill and I’ll get you what I can get you,” he said. “A lot of [defenders] kind of take the easy route and think it’s going to be easy and then the rest of the game they’re going low and trying to take my legs out.”

Look at the Eagles’ running back picture.

The starter is Ryan Mathews, who is talented but injury-prone. The backup right now probably is Kenjon Barner, who has 34 career carries. Then there’s Darren Sproles, whose 3.8 average last year was his lowest since 2009 and second lowest of his 11-year career.

With a strong camp, there’s no reason Smallwood can’t work himself into that picture.

The last frontier for the Northern Delaware native is blitz pickup. Something he was never asked to do at WVU.

“I don’t think I did basically any in college,” he said. “They didn’t ask me to block at all. I was mainly running routes.

“But as soon as I got here, Duce emphasized, ‘If you want to get on the field, you’re going to block. If you’re not going to block, you’re not going to play.'”

Staley’s No. 22 wasn’t available, but Smallwood is happy to wear the jersey number of another one of his favorite backs growing up, Correll Buckhalter’s No. 28, who he seems quite similar to.

It’s not fair to compare Smallwood to Staley, Buckhalter, Brian Westbrook or any other former Eagles back until the pads go on and we see what he’s really made of.

But Smallwood said he’s thrilled Staley is his coach and said there’s nobody he’d rather be playing for.

“I think he’s a great fit for me as a coach,” Smallwood said. “I need a kind of guy who drives me, tough guy, who’s not going to let up, who’s going to keep his foot on my back. I definitely need that kind of coaching.

“Just being around him growing up and seeing what he did when he was here and how he runs and him being one of my favorite backs, I was kind of star-struck to be around him, and now he’s my coach. It’s definitely a great situation for me.”