If there's one thing Philadelphians are good at, it's parking our cars wherever we damn well please. If there's two things Philadelphians are good at, it's parking our cars wherever we damn well please and yelling at people for parking like idiots in a Wawa parking lot. If there's three things Philadelphians are good at, it's omg you get the point, parking, we get excited about parking... and also hating people. We love, love, love to hate people. We'll hate anyone. Troy Aikman. Dann Cuellar. Troy Aikman's fat mom. And now this upcoming Sunday, as the #USMNT gets set to take on Portugal, we have the opportunity to hate someone who's so easy to hate it's almost not even worth it... Troy Aikman's fat dad! And also Cristiano Ronaldo! There's honestly so much to hate about this guy: His dipsy-do haircut. That stupid side-saddle stance he does before taking a free kick. His dumb, fat mother. But you already know about all that. That's like Intro to Hating Cristiano Ronaldo 101. In order to be a true CR7 hater -- a true degenerate Philadelphia CR7 hater -- you gotta dig deeper. And that's what I did. Here's what I found when I searched the world wide web for "Cristiano Ronaldo Wikipedia": Not sure if you've heard of Wikipedia, it's a pretty cool website, but according to its page on Cristiano, Ronaldo was named after Ronald Reagan (I'm not making this up) who apparently was Cristiano's father's favourite actor. Now, no disrespect to Ronald Reagan, who was an idiot, but Ronaldo's father was clearly a bigger idiot. Yeah, he had a cool beard (which you can see below) and later died of an alcoholism-related liver disease (which is sad), but still, RONALD REAGAN? Forget about how sad alcohol abuse is for a minute, or what you thought about BEDTIME FOR BONZO, can you imagine naming your son after a movie star? "Hey Roger, c'mere for a sec. I just wanted to introduce you to my pride and joy, Marf Rurfalo." Here's Cristiano standing with his star-loving father and the rest of his fam -- proving that his smarmy, smug look just comes natural to him. Seriously, have you ever seen a more I don't give a fuhhhhhh attitude on a child? I'm guessing the girls in his middle school LOVED him. According to that Wikipedia website again, Ronaldo was actually quite popular with his classmates at school, but was expelled after he threw a chair at his teacher. Ronaldo later said of the incident, "He disrespected me." Now, even though I kinda want to make fun of Cris for that, and how he was probably a total spaz, that's actually a pretty bad ass move. Mad respect to people who throw chairs at teachers. School sucks. That's just a fact. A medical fact. And sometimes you gotta fire a chair at a guy's brain. We've all grown up with loose cannons like Cris. The bad boy from my middle school was named Rob Harmelin. Dumb kid. I mean, really dumb kid. In third grade I watched him eat an entire Trapper Keeper. But in sixth grade, that's when he went from total weirdo to class hero. Because that's when he ripped a pencil sharpener off the wall and chucked it at Stuart Roldenberg. Then when Mrs. Richland told him to go to the principal's office, he told her she could "suck my norbs any day of the week." We were all blown away, not necessarily by what he did, but by the fact that Tim Getto, the biggest perv job in our school, told us that norbs was "where your balls meet your bunghole." I will never forget that moment. I'm guessing Stuart Roldenberg won't either. We seriously didn't have sharp pencils in that class for the rest of the year. School is honestly so stupid. When Cristiano left middle school, he signed to play for a youth side in Portugal, then moved on to Sporting and later Manchester United, where he turned into the type of person who'd wear an outfit like this. It wasn't long after this picture was taken that Cris was quoted as saying, "People are jealous of me as I am young, handsome and rich." Now, you could argue that he's right -- and he is -- but it's not like his father named him after James Spader. This guy is no James Spader. He's more like that lady you work with, the one who's always like, "I tells it like it is. If you don't like it, that's on you. It's called speaking the trufth!" No, it's called being an asshole. Just because you tell the truth doesn't mean you should. You don't hear me bragging about the fact that I have a PERFECTLY aerodynamic 14-incher. That's because I don't. But if I did... awwww man, if I did. I would seriously never, EVER, shut up about it. Wow. There's not really anything I can say here that's gonna compete with that picture above, is there? I'm not even gonna try. Dude, Entourage was seriously the dumbest television show in the history of the planet. And that includes Wipeout. In 2010, Ronaldo announced that he became a father, to a little boy he also named Cristiano. Turns out, his baby momma (who chooses to remain anonymous) is actually American, and the child was born in the United States, which means that little Cristiano is an American citizen, and could -- if he chooses -- one day play for the US Men's NatiOMG I LOVE CRISTIANO RONALDO. HE'S SO GOOD AT SOCCER. THE WAY HE HIGH-STEPS AND GLIDES DOWN THE LEFT WING. THOSE RIDICULOUS ROCKETS HE BLASTS ON THE MOVE. THE HEADERS. WE HAVEN'T EVEN TALKED ABOUT THE HEADERS. I WILL SERIOUSLY THROW A CHAIR AT MRS. RICHLAND RIGHT NOW. WHO CARES ABOUT SUNDAY? WORLD CUP 2028 IS GONNA BE BONKS. HATERS GONNA HATE. RONALDO'S GONNA RONALD. NO IDEA WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT, FOLKS. ABSOLUTELY NO IDEA. THERE ARE LITERALLY ONLY THREE THINGS TO HATE ABOUT RONALDO IN THIS POST. I HOPE WE BREAK HIS LEGS. Follow The Evster @TVMWW.
The Evster finds even more things to hate about Cristiano Ronaldo
June 20, 2014, 8:30 am