An Interview With Jason Mulgrew, Author of "Everything Is Wrong With Me"

An Interview With Jason Mulgrew, Author of "Everything Is Wrong With Me"

Jason Mulgrew is a South Philadelphia native who grew up idolizing Michael Jack Schmidt. Perhaps most famous for running a fireworks distribution empire, he also happens to be a fellow alum of Boston College who has blog. His new book is titled Everything Is Wrong with Me: A Memoir of an American Childhood Gone, Well, Wrong. The book, much like his blog, is quite hilarious. He was kind enough to answer a few of our questions, mostly about the Dead and Philly sports venues.

Enrico: You’re a Philly guy,
you went to a local Prep school, you graduated from Boston College,
and you have a blog, yet you give off the impression you’re not pulling
tail left and right.  What gives? 

Jason: You’re telling me that
spending my adolescent years going through puberty surrounded by 200
dudes, being a fat guy from South Philly with a beard and attending
a college stocked with New England-bred upper class girls who prefer
the J. Crew/lacrosse player type, and having an internet diary means
I should be getting laid more?  Really?  Please tell me you’re
kidding me, because I know that shit ain’t working for you. 

And if you’re not kidding,
I’m really going to flip out.  We just might have to move on.       

Perhaps my favorite anecdote
from your book was the story of your parents first
“encounter” or what you want to call it back in the 70’s. 
In short, they first encountered each other during the Mummer’s Parade
while your dad was doing his best drunken strut while unknowingly bleeding
from a stab wound.  That’s pretty much the best
“how did you meet” story I’ve ever heard.  I secretly wanted
to meet a gorgeous girl during the Phillies World Series parade in 2008,
fall in love, and subsequently marry her.  That way when people
ask the “how did you meet?” question, we’d have a killer answer. 
So, I guess my question is, how can you top your parents’ story? 
Give us a situation where you meet some lovely lady, fall in love, and
get married that tops your parents’ tale.   

First, I think that my dad
was aware that he had been stabbed and was bleeding; he just was too
drunk to care.  And you’re right, that’s pretty much the best
“How did you meet?” story ever.  And in the case of my parents,
there’s actual photographic proof!  Which, of course, you’ll
have to buy the book to see. 

(Well, I guess you could technically
just pick up the book, look at the picture, and then put it down and
walk away.  But you’d have to read the chapter to get the whole
story.)     

I don’t know if I – or
really, anyone – will be able to top theirs.  I can say that
a few years ago, my roommate and I used a drug delivery service in NYC
(just for pot, don’t worry).  It was amazing, quick and efficient
– you’d call, tell them what you wanted, and 45 minutes later, a
guy would show up with your pot.  Awesome.  It was a sad,
sad day for us when it was eventually busted.   

But anyway, there were only
two guys who ever showed up at our place to drop off the pot: a pretty
jacked Latino dude who didn’t speak at all and was in and out in under
ten seconds and this dirty-ass skinny Wook who’d want to come in,
have a beer, smoke, hang out, whatever.  And my roommate and I
never knew which one it would be, so each time we opened the door, it
was a surprise.  We were always hoping for the scary Latino dude,
because, even though he was more likely to murder us, at least he didn’t
want to hang out.       

But the roommate and I had
a joke that maybe one day we’d open the door to receive our pot and
instead of the Latino guy or the Wook, there’d be the gorgeous girl
– this smoking hot hippie chick with long flowing hair and an ample
bosom, standing there, an eighth or quarter of pot in her hand, and
that’s it – you get the classic “love at first sight” montage
where she brushes her hair behind her shoulder in slow-motion and “Dream
Weaver” starts playing and bam, you’re in love.    

So maybe something like that
could come close to my parents’ story: this hot girl delivers my pot,
we strike up a conversation, spend our first date smoking up, eating
Pringles and watching “The Big Lebowski”, and we eventually marry,
almost certainly on a farm, to the wedding song like “Wagon Wheel”
by OCMS.  Then, years later, when we’re sitting at a wedding
table full of strangers and one of them asks, “So how did you guys
meet?” I could say, “It’s a funny story, actually – she used
to work for my drug dealer.  Well, I guess technically she used
to be my drug dealer, since I gave her cash and she gave me drugs,
but, really, I’m not a lawyer. We now have little two girls, Star
and Star As Well, and a third child on the way.”   

You’re an annual Mummer
with the Froggy Carr brigade.  Those are the really, really drunk
ones, is that correct?  Also, what do you think you’ll ever become
an official member are?   

I think it would be fair
to categorize Froggy Carr as the “really, really drunks ones”, yes. 
For this and other reasons, I’ve been going out with Froggy Carr since
I was about two.     

As for being a member, I don’t
know.  As I explain the book, almost anyone can go out with Froggy
Carr or other Comics in the Mummers Parade, but only a select few become
members of the club.  Maybe if the book sells a ton of copies,
they’ll let me in.  I certainly hope so – I have a crippling
need for acceptance and approval.  By the way, how am I doing so
far?  If you don’t like it, we can start over.  I’m sorry.       

You idolized Michael
Jack growing up, yet were admittedly a truly pathetic baseball player
(.013 career batting average).  You share plenty of tales in the
book about the obstacles in life that were challenging that perhaps
helped shape you as a person. Yet you seem to take being the worst little
league player ever in stride.  I think being such a shitty little
league player would damage me for life.  Thoughts? 

Little League was about
so much more than actually playing baseball.  It was about making
friends, eating sugary snacks, and, in the case of my team, learning
about and discussing masturbation.  I’ve also always approached
life with the general feeling that if at first you don’t succeed,
you should probably move on right away to something else you might be
better at.  So when I realized that I sucked at baseball, I sort
of shrugged it off and focused on hanging out with the other terrible
guys on the team and cracking jokes with them.  

See?  There’s a lesson
here.  When life gives you lemons, drop the shit out of those lemons
and go play video games or something.      

You talk about getting
the chance to see the Grateful Dead at the Spectrum as a 12-year-old. 
That must have been pretty surreal, obviously.  How was Jerry that
night?  Anything else you remember about the evening?  Any
other great Spectrum memories?   

Overall, that was a memorable
night, featuring a lot of “firsts”: first time I saw the Dead, first
time I saw a boob (that’s another teaser for the book), first time
I did or inhaled or whatever a nitrous balloon.  This last one
is especially surprising – I was doing nitrous balloons in the parking
lot of a Dead show when I was 12 or 13, but I didn’t even drink until
I was 18 or 19.  As for Jerry, I remember he was much fatter than
I thought he’d be and also very stationary.  But they did “Loose
Lucy” and “He’s Gone”, which were then and still are two of
my favorites. (Here's the full setlist)

And other Spectrum memories…I
saw the Phantoms win the Calder Cup there in 1998.  I wasn’t
a huge Phantoms fan, but to be present when a Philly team won a championship
was pretty awesome, something I wouldn’t get to see until ten years
later, when a buddy happened upon an extra ticket to Game Five. 
I was in Vegas at the time, but booked the first flight out in the morning
to Philly to catch the game.  Spectacular.   

But back to the Spectrum…I
saw my first ever concert there, which was Paula Abdul, with Color Me
Badd opening.  The Dead was my second concert, two years later. 
A lot happened in those two years, obviously.    

Having grown up on Two
Street, you lived in the shadows of the Vet for much of your life. 
Got a good Vet story?  Perhaps an adventure in the 700 level that
you’d like to share? 
 

Ah, yes.  Aside from
the obvious – about a billion Phillies’ games on $4 general admission
tickets – I do remember that on at least one occasion my buddies and
I snuck into the Vet to run the football field.  That was awesome. 
I’m sure I didn’t make it the whole 100 yards – or even 20 –
but it was still awesome nonetheless.   

And I remember one particular
football game when I must have been 7 or 8.  I was there with my
dad, sitting in the 700 level, and there was this guy in our section,
Bill.  All of the sudden during the game, apropos of nothing, the
people in the section would start chanting, “Bill! Bill! Bill! Bill!”
and Bill would come barreling down the aisle to the front of the section,
and do something between a Truffle Shuffle and a cheer, and everyone
would just erupt, roaring and cheering along with him.  He did
this a bunch of times, and then once when he was racing down the steps
to do it again, right toward the bottom, he totally bit it – just
fell flat on his face, hard.  And when he fell, everyone got quiet
and hushed, but then Bill just jumped right up and yelled and everyone
else yelled and it was quite a special moment, one of those “only
in Philly” moments – or only in the 700 level moments, I guess.

Thanks to Jason for a fun Q&A. Buy his book Everything Is Wrong with Me: A Memoir of an American Childhood Gone, Well, Wrong. You can also meet him at his book signing at Barnes and Noble on 18th and Walnut on Thursday, April 8, at 6 p.m.

There's also a small section in the book dedicated to this song:

Week 13 NFC East Recap: Hey, the Eagles aren't the only ones that lost

Week 13 NFC East Recap: Hey, the Eagles aren't the only ones that lost

As the sun slowly sets on another Eagles season, and gut instinct is to focus exclusively on an offseason of secondary upgrades and potential wide receiver free agents, there is still great pleasure to be found here in 2016.

After all, the NFC East might not be as great as we thought.

Sure, Dallas seems on their way to home field advantage throughout the playoffs, which feels like getting your earlobe stuck in a car door. And sure, currently the Giants and Washington are in the Wild Card spots, which is a lot like someone trying to pierce your belly-button while you’re trying to remove said earlobe from said car door. But none of that matters this week! Because this week, two out of three of the Eagles division rivals provided concrete evidence that neither may be as good as their playoff-worthy records dictate.

And when you can’t find joy in your own accomplishments, well, it’s always recommended one finds a little silver lining in the demise of those closest to you. That’s just life.

Here’s a look at what happened this week in the NFC East:

 

Dallas Cowboys

What Happened: It was one of Dallas’ tougher victories on the year, which is like saying the Chicken Mini Quesadilla is the healthiest item on the Taco Bell value menu. Minnesota played the Cowboys extremely tough, forcing two turnovers, winning the time of possession, and holding Canton-bound Dak Prescott to a measly 139 yards in the air. 

Alas, none of that ended up mattering because with 25 seconds remaining, Sam Bradford’s two-point conversion pass sailed out the back of the endzone, and the Cowboys were able to hold on for their 11th consecutive victory, 17-15. 

Sure, there was a lot more to it than that. Prescott fumbled on a 3rd-and-1 that could have allowed Dallas to run out the clock. A Vikings punt returner fumbled in the 4th quarter that gave Dallas a key redzone opportunity. And Bradford did lead an impressive 65-yard touchdown drive to give his team the chance to send the game into overtime.

But none of that really matters, as Dallas walked away with another win. And before you get too down about it, just thank the higher powers that you’re not a Minnesota Vikings fan this season. 

What It Means: The Vikings have dropped to 6-6, which is a good thing for the Eagles first round pick, and a completely irrelevant thing for the Dallas Cowboys. Jason Garrett’s squad has now clinched a playoff spot (thanks to a Washington lost) and can turn their focus onto clinching home-field advantage throughout the playoffs, before inevitably resting their starters before facing the Birds in Week 17. They’re now at the point of a successful season where the most important debate is how best to avoid rust heading into the playoffs. Earlobe, meet car door.

The Cowboys are an interesting study. Last year, they lost their quarterback, then lost seven games in a row. This year they have the quarterback, and have won eleven in a row. Sure, Ezekiel Elliott has been tremendous, but it’s not as if the Cowboys running game was so atrocious in 2015. And yet, when you watch Prescott, he’s not doing SO much to warrant an 8-game (and counting) improvement.

The full reasoning behind ‘How Dallas Went From Garbage Eaters To The NFCs Top Team’ can’t be attributed to just one move. But it does stand as a nice reminder that in the NFL, things can turn around very quickly.

Unfortunately, it just seems like forever since they turned around for us.

What’s Next: Dallas faces the Giants in New Jersey, the last (and only) team to beat them this season. They then face Tampa Bay and Detroit, both teams fighting for a playoff spot, so no gimme-games between now and Week 17.

 

Washington

What Happened: Like last week against Dallas, Washington found themselves in an early hole and couldn’t fight back. Kirk Cousins was good-not-great, throwing for 271 yards but putting up a costly interception. And Washington’s defense had no answer for the Cardinal’s David Johnson, who had 175-total yards (thanks in large part to nine receptions) and a pair of touchdowns.

Also, their was a weird rumor on Sunday morning about DeSean Jackson being an Eagles target in the offseason. It’s unlike the Eagles to leak rumors about offseason targets, especially during the regular season, so the most likely scenario is this is information provided by Jaccpot’s agent. While I’ll always have a soft-spot in my football heart for the guy who did this, the idea that an aging wide receiver whose game is built on speed will cure the Iggles woes seems about as likely as Sam Hinkie replacing Howie Roseman.

Not like that’s a excuse for the woeful Washington defense, however. They’ve now given up 31 points in consecutive games, which sets a nice bar for Carson Wentz and Co. on Sunday.

What It Means: For the second week in a row, Washington failed the test, and while I don’t remember too much from High School, I imagine there's only so many times you can retake an exam. 

The Cardinals are a good and desperate team playing at home; there's no shame in going down swinging. However this is the second week in a row Washington fans have to build themselves up over the positives to take from defeat. To make something happen from a wild card spot, Dan Snyder’s squad will need to win games on the road against tough opponents. The past two weeks, they didn’t, and it’s fair to wonder if we’ve seen this team’s ceiling.

What’s Next: A trip to Philly where the Eagles have been hard to beat this year. Let’s not forget; the Birds playoff chances were denied the past two seasons by this very Washington squad. In a season suddenly lacking in joyous victories, a W on Sunday would feel phenomenal. 

 

New York Giants

What Happened: Like Washington, the Giants faced a real test on Sunday, and like Washington, the Giants failed miserably. New York was never really in this one, falling behind 14-0 to Pittsburgh in the first half and never bringing it within a score again. Eli Manning threw a pair of interceptions, both in the redzone, though in his defense one of them was on a fourth-and-13 and the Giants were already way behind because of how terrible Eli had been earlier in the afternoon. So, in theory, not fully his fault there.

Oh, and did Odell Beckham say something silly? But of course! The Giants headline-creating wide receiver had a number of complaints against the officiating on Sunday, saying it felt like it was “us against the world.”

The Giants were called for four penalties on the day, while the Steelers were called for twelve. Beckham’s claims that the refs made it “the Giants against the world” has as much base in reality as the theory climate change is caused by bullfrogs spending too much time in the rain. This man is like a living, breathing, fake-news site. But no, LETS BLAME THE REFS.

What It Means: At 8-4, the Giants would need a lot of things to go wrong to miss out on a Wild Card spot. Tampa, Minnesota, Green Bay --- all three are two games behind Big Blue. With just four games remaining, that’s a lead even Willie Randolph feels safe with.

That being said, the Giants final four games are all against playoff teams (oh, and also the regressing Eagles), so in order to cement their spot in the postseason, New York will have to do something they haven’t done since Week 6: beat a team over .500.

What’s Next: It’s Dallas Week for the Giants, so what else could matter? Sweeping the season series against the team with the best record in the NFL would go a long way towards preparing this team mentally for the playoffs.

Sixers fail to take care of business against Denver Nuggets

Sixers fail to take care of business against Denver Nuggets

It really felt like we could've gotten this one. The Denver Nuggets are hardly pushovers, but they came into this one a 7-13 team that'd lost their last three games, and even last night they seemed fairly beatable, even for a Philadelphia 76ers team still missing Robert Covington (in additional to our usual mini-roster of absentees). But Philly's energy sagged in the third quarter as Denver caught a second wind, and they spent the final frame hitting shots that the Sixers couldn't answer. Final score: Nuggets 106, 76ers 98. 

The most sobering part of the loss was that Joel Embiid finally played what would best be described as "a bad game." Not that bad, of course — even at his worst, Joel still managed 16 points and notched career-high five blocks. But he only shot 5-15 from the field, turned ball over three times, grabbed just four boards and played a large part in the sinkhole offense that the Sixers played in the late third and early fourth that ultimately cost them this one. JoJo still has trouble reading double teams and knowing when not to attack into traffic, and his frustration was extremely evident as he kept trying to do too much and paying the price for it. 

Nonetheless, even with an off Embiid night and a still-slumping Sauce — officially down to Left in the Car Overnight temperature after a night of 4 points on 1-7 shooting in 35 minutes — Philly probably still coulda gotten this one. Sergio Rodriguez appears to have swiped Nik's swag at least temporarily, with a season-high 17 points on 7-14 shooting to go with seven dimes and three steals, while Dario Saric and Ersan Ilyasova also poured in 17 and 8 each, and the Nuggets wings were largely kept quiet for two and a half quarters. But even while struggling, the Nuggets paraded their way to free-throw line — 34 FTAs for the night, including 12 for Danilo Gallinari alone — and once they caught fire late, the Sixers just couldn't keep up. 

A bummer for a team that's now lost seven in a row, and has to face the Grizzlies tonight in Memphis — their fourth game in five nights, and the first of a three-game road trip — without Embiid and also without Jahlil Okafor, out with illness. Even with the Grizz missing their own big names (no Mike Conley, Chandler Parsons, Zach Randolph or Vince Carter lately) and likely suffering from fatigue of their own after a double-OT road win last night in New Orleans, the 4-17 Sixers are gonna have a tough go matching Memphis' grit and grind tonight. Anytime you feel like Supermanning in and saving the day now would be cool, Nerlens Noel. Just sayin'.