The Evster analyzes the hottest (and 13th best) figure skater of the Olympics

The Evster analyzes the hottest (and 13th best) figure skater of the Olympics

Look, this is not the first time that the world has fallen in love with a figure skater. In 1988, it was Katarina Witt and her perfect OH MY GAWD. In 1992, it was Nancy Kerrigan and her really clean hair. In '98, it was my college girlfriend who could literally jam a whole ice skate inside of her mouth. To this day, I have never seen a woman perform with so much poise. But now -- 16 years after I watched a woman eat a shoe -- there is a new figure skating love of my life. Canada's extremely mediocre, Kaetlyn Osmond.

Now when I say mediocre, I do not mean Kaetlyn's looks. Katelyn's looks are obviously off the charts bonkers. I'm referring to her talent, because after all this is a SPORTS blog, and I am a SPORTS blogger, and I take my SPORPS BLARGLING very seriously. That being said, don't sleep on my college gf. Could literally get the whole skate in there. Laces and everything. Although whenever the laces would dangle out of her mouth it would cause a certain Russian judge to get VERY angry and give her a MAJOR, MAJOR, MAJOR punishment.

Back to Kaetlyn, who is clearly not the besssssttttttt skater in the world, but a lovely one nonetheless. She finished in 13th place in this year's Olympics, which seemed really, really low for a woman who was clearly the most attractive skater in the field. I mean, normally in this world, the best looking people end up on top, so when something goes wrong it makes you wonder. And it got me thinking: maybe this new judging system is just as flawed as the old one. Maybe they took points away from Kaetlyn just because she's so darn sexy. If there's anyone who knows anything about being treated unfairly because they're just so incredibly good-looking, it's me. So because we're Americans, and because we can watch a sport for two days and act like we know everything about it, let's take a look back at Kaetlyn's performances and judge for ourselves.

This was Kaetlyn's opening pose. Now if it were up to me, I would've ended the whole thing right there. Just throw the flowers onto the ice, skate to the podium and start blasting Oh Canada. I mean, have you ever seen a better reaching-back/hand-caressing-her-own-cheek maneuver? Because I haven't. In fact, I have never even seen that move ATTEMPTED (during international competition). The only thing missing is a skate on her hand that she could literally jam completely and totally inside of her mouth. Unfortunately, the Olympic judges did not see it the way I did and once the music started, they made Kaetlyn actually skate during her performance. Whatever. The Olympics are so corrupt. That nail polish tho.

Another incredible move, skating while pulling off the Omega Psi Phi hand sign. Unprecedented. When I was in high school, my basketball team used to do this jawn during player introductions, but then someone started a rumor that if an actual member of the Omega Psi Phi fraternity saw a non-member do that, that they were required to punch that person right in the throat. I can't imagine that rumor was true, nor can I picture some old head with a salt-n-pepper beard leaping out of the stands to punch a stupid teenager, but we seriously stopped doin' that shit IMMEDIATELY. Kaetlyn though, she cannot be intimidated. Her armpits are so, so, so smooth.

Here's a pic for all of you who had absolutely no idea what I was talking about in the previous paragraph.

Here was Kaetlyn's first jump of her routine, the Leaping Lanny Poffo leg kick, another move that no figure skater has EVER pulled off (during international competition). Sure, others have done salchows and twirly birds, but when have you ever seen a woman jump into the air with absolutely no direction whatsoever? It's figure skating improvisation at its best.

This move is like when you go swimming with your stupid 6-year-old nephew and he's like, "Uncle Evan! Uncle Evan! Watch this!" and then he does some sort of jackknife spin kick into the pool. And then his stupid head rises up out of the water and he's like, "Did you see me?! Did you see me?!" and you're like, "Yeah, nice dude," and he's like, "Did you see my move?!" and you're like, "YES. I SAW IT. Shut up," and then you take a drag of your cigarette and try to play it cool but deep down you knew it was a totally sweet maneuver and if you tried it today you'd tear your hamstring in no fewer than 19 different places.

Kaetlyn's not really the most flexible figure skater in the world, but she's certainly more flexible than any woman (or man) that you've ever been with. Look at how much she's straining here. She's really goin' for it, that's gotta count for something. Also we haven't even talked about those naughty black gloves that she's wearin'. Lookin' like Lady Mary from Downton Abs. If Lady Mary gained like 60 pounds and was a figure skater and looked completely different.

Ugh, get over yourself, perfect little bendy Russian girl!

Ashley Wags knows what I'm talkin' bout!

While we're showing pictures of other people, check out THIS DUDE, also from Canada.

WHAT?!?

His name is Kevin Reynolds -- and he finished 15th in the men's competition -- but whooooooo caresssssszzzz, just look at that head! I have no idea what kind of hairstyle he's going for. I mean, have you ever, in your entire life? There's not one hair on his head that's facing anywhere close to the same direction as any other. How is that even comfortable? I cannot look away.

I simply cannot look away.

I'm with you, Wags!

Good for Kevin, though, you know? At least he's owning it. Standing in the middle of da rink like WHAT Y'ALL GON' DO?

I know what Kevin's gonna do: triple salchow right into the boards. Because he's the 15th best figure skater in the world and seriously falls all the time.

Kaetlyn falls a lot too, which is fine, whatever, these people skate on ICE for God's sake. Why is Scott Hamilton so hard on all the skaters by the way? He be like, "Ohhhh, I dunno Sandra, I think she might've had a bit of a two-footed landing there. THAT'll be a deduction." Really, Scott? I choked on a piece of salad today and then fell into a door. How many deductions you gon' give me?

NONE.

'CUZ I'M A GROWN-ASS MAN WITH HIGH BLOOD PRESH WHO NEEDS TO EAT SALAD FROM TIME TO TIME.

Also yogurt!

Just a little bonus pic for all of you true yogurt lovers out there.

Don't act like you ain't seen it before, Wags!

Ta daaaaa!

Follow The Evster @TVMWW.

Nerlens Noel excited for impending return to game action

Nerlens Noel excited for impending return to game action

NEW ORLEANS -- The weeks and months have quickly piled up. Nerlens Noel has not played an NBA regular-season game since last season ended for the Sixers on April 13. Nearly eight months later, Noel is nearing the return he has been eyeing for quite some time now. 

“It’s always an excitement to be able to play basketball after this amount of time, including the summer, not being able to play organized basketball at a competitive level,” Noel said Thursday. “I’ve been really looking forward to this. I think I’ve gained some momentum coming back from this minor surgery, and I think I’m in a really good place and I’m feeling good with my body. Everything is on point.”

Noel has been sidelined since undergoing elective left knee surgery in October to address an inflamed plica. He traveled to New Orleans on Wednesday to join the Sixers ahead of their 99-88 win over the Pelicans (see game recap). Noel continued his rehab Thursday while the team prepped for the game. 

“I’ve been able do five-on-five, full contact,” Noel said. “I’ve tried to maximize my opportunities of that with the team being gone on the road. I came down here and went through most of shootaround and it went well. Now these next couple of days, [I will be] going through practice, still working on my wind. I do like where I’m at now.”

The Sixers’ next game is Sunday against the Pistons in Detroit. Brett Brown had given Noel’s availability for that game a “maybe” (see story)

“I’m not sure,” Noel said of playing Sunday. “I’m ready to go with these next couple of days and see how my wind feels and how my body feels, which I have been feeling good. So it’s a possibility.”

When Noel does return, there is a scenario in which he could be paired with center Joel Embiid. Last year, the Sixers struggled finding the best way to utilize Noel and Jahlil Okafor, also a center, at the same time playing the four and five positions. As Okafor has said of playing with Embiid, Noel also believes his off-the-court friendship with the towering rookie would translate onto the court. 

“I think it would be something that’s experimented,” Noel said. “It’d definitely be interesting.”

Noel candidly expressed his opinion of the Sixers’ logjammed frontcourt at the start of the season. Since speaking to the media after his surgery, Noel has mentioned he is in a good mental place (see story). For him, that means being out on the court again. 

“I love myself and I love the game of basketball,” Noel said. “When I step out here to come and play, it just brings a lot of enjoyment and excitement to me. Regardless of what the details of it are, I just love the game and I’m happy to just be playing.”

Best of NHL: Flames edge Coyotes in OT for fifth straight win

Best of NHL: Flames edge Coyotes in OT for fifth straight win

GLENDALE, Ariz. -- Dougie Hamilton scored 1:09 into overtime, Chad Johnson stopped 27 shots and the Calgary Flames beat the Arizona Coyotes 2-1 on Thursday night.

Mark Giordano scored for the Flames in a chippy game filled with big hits and multiple fights.

Hamilton capped a fast-paced overtime by deking Arizona's Mike Smith with a forehand before flipping in a backhander. Calgary has won five straight and eight of 11 (8-2-1).

Max Domi scored before leaving with an upper-body injury and Smith stopped 33 shots for the Coyotes, who have lost six straight and 11 of 14 (3-7-4).

Arizona captain Shane Doan became Arizona's all-time assist leader and is the fifth player in NHL history to own his team's records for games played, goals, assists, points, game-winning goals and power-play goals (see full recap).

Crosby, Penguins roll over Panthers
SUNRISE, Fla. -- Sidney Crosby got his 18th goal and added an assist to lead the Pittsburgh Penguins over the Florida Panthers 5-1 on Thursday night.

Conor Sheary, Tom Kuhnhackl, Matt Cullen and Carl Hagelin also scored for Pittsburgh. Matt Murray made 28 saves.

The Penguins have won four straight and five of their past six.

Jaromir Jagr scored his 755th career goal, and Roberto Luongo stopped 25 shots for the Panthers. Luongo allowed three goals on Pittsburgh's first five shots.

Panthers coach Tom Rowe, who replaced Gerard Gallant on Nov. 28, made his home debut. The Panthers have lost five of six under Rowe, but managed a point in three of those losses (see full recap).

Price loses cool as Habs beat Devils
MONTREAL -- Carey Price lost his temper after being bumped twice in his crease and made 19 saves to help the Montreal Canadiens beat the New Jersey Devils 5-2 on Thursday night.

Torrey Mitchell scored twice and Phillip Danault, Artturi Lehkonen and Max Pacioretty also had goals for the Canadiens in their return from a five-game trip.

Adam Henrique scored a goal and set up one by Taylor Hall for New Jersey, which ended a two-game winning streak.

Montreal had a season-high 49 shots on Cory Schneider.

A wild first period included three goals, four goal reviews and Price's meltdown (see full recap).