The Evster analyzes the hottest (and 13th best) figure skater of the Olympics

The Evster analyzes the hottest (and 13th best) figure skater of the Olympics

Look, this is not the first time that the world has fallen in love with a figure skater. In 1988, it was Katarina Witt and her perfect OH MY GAWD. In 1992, it was Nancy Kerrigan and her really clean hair. In '98, it was my college girlfriend who could literally jam a whole ice skate inside of her mouth. To this day, I have never seen a woman perform with so much poise. But now -- 16 years after I watched a woman eat a shoe -- there is a new figure skating love of my life. Canada's extremely mediocre, Kaetlyn Osmond.

Now when I say mediocre, I do not mean Kaetlyn's looks. Katelyn's looks are obviously off the charts bonkers. I'm referring to her talent, because after all this is a SPORTS blog, and I am a SPORTS blogger, and I take my SPORPS BLARGLING very seriously. That being said, don't sleep on my college gf. Could literally get the whole skate in there. Laces and everything. Although whenever the laces would dangle out of her mouth it would cause a certain Russian judge to get VERY angry and give her a MAJOR, MAJOR, MAJOR punishment.

Back to Kaetlyn, who is clearly not the besssssttttttt skater in the world, but a lovely one nonetheless. She finished in 13th place in this year's Olympics, which seemed really, really low for a woman who was clearly the most attractive skater in the field. I mean, normally in this world, the best looking people end up on top, so when something goes wrong it makes you wonder. And it got me thinking: maybe this new judging system is just as flawed as the old one. Maybe they took points away from Kaetlyn just because she's so darn sexy. If there's anyone who knows anything about being treated unfairly because they're just so incredibly good-looking, it's me. So because we're Americans, and because we can watch a sport for two days and act like we know everything about it, let's take a look back at Kaetlyn's performances and judge for ourselves.

This was Kaetlyn's opening pose. Now if it were up to me, I would've ended the whole thing right there. Just throw the flowers onto the ice, skate to the podium and start blasting Oh Canada. I mean, have you ever seen a better reaching-back/hand-caressing-her-own-cheek maneuver? Because I haven't. In fact, I have never even seen that move ATTEMPTED (during international competition). The only thing missing is a skate on her hand that she could literally jam completely and totally inside of her mouth. Unfortunately, the Olympic judges did not see it the way I did and once the music started, they made Kaetlyn actually skate during her performance. Whatever. The Olympics are so corrupt. That nail polish tho.

Another incredible move, skating while pulling off the Omega Psi Phi hand sign. Unprecedented. When I was in high school, my basketball team used to do this jawn during player introductions, but then someone started a rumor that if an actual member of the Omega Psi Phi fraternity saw a non-member do that, that they were required to punch that person right in the throat. I can't imagine that rumor was true, nor can I picture some old head with a salt-n-pepper beard leaping out of the stands to punch a stupid teenager, but we seriously stopped doin' that shit IMMEDIATELY. Kaetlyn though, she cannot be intimidated. Her armpits are so, so, so smooth.

Here's a pic for all of you who had absolutely no idea what I was talking about in the previous paragraph.

Here was Kaetlyn's first jump of her routine, the Leaping Lanny Poffo leg kick, another move that no figure skater has EVER pulled off (during international competition). Sure, others have done salchows and twirly birds, but when have you ever seen a woman jump into the air with absolutely no direction whatsoever? It's figure skating improvisation at its best.

This move is like when you go swimming with your stupid 6-year-old nephew and he's like, "Uncle Evan! Uncle Evan! Watch this!" and then he does some sort of jackknife spin kick into the pool. And then his stupid head rises up out of the water and he's like, "Did you see me?! Did you see me?!" and you're like, "Yeah, nice dude," and he's like, "Did you see my move?!" and you're like, "YES. I SAW IT. Shut up," and then you take a drag of your cigarette and try to play it cool but deep down you knew it was a totally sweet maneuver and if you tried it today you'd tear your hamstring in no fewer than 19 different places.

Kaetlyn's not really the most flexible figure skater in the world, but she's certainly more flexible than any woman (or man) that you've ever been with. Look at how much she's straining here. She's really goin' for it, that's gotta count for something. Also we haven't even talked about those naughty black gloves that she's wearin'. Lookin' like Lady Mary from Downton Abs. If Lady Mary gained like 60 pounds and was a figure skater and looked completely different.

Ugh, get over yourself, perfect little bendy Russian girl!

Ashley Wags knows what I'm talkin' bout!

While we're showing pictures of other people, check out THIS DUDE, also from Canada.

WHAT?!?

His name is Kevin Reynolds -- and he finished 15th in the men's competition -- but whooooooo caresssssszzzz, just look at that head! I have no idea what kind of hairstyle he's going for. I mean, have you ever, in your entire life? There's not one hair on his head that's facing anywhere close to the same direction as any other. How is that even comfortable? I cannot look away.

I simply cannot look away.

I'm with you, Wags!

Good for Kevin, though, you know? At least he's owning it. Standing in the middle of da rink like WHAT Y'ALL GON' DO?

I know what Kevin's gonna do: triple salchow right into the boards. Because he's the 15th best figure skater in the world and seriously falls all the time.

Kaetlyn falls a lot too, which is fine, whatever, these people skate on ICE for God's sake. Why is Scott Hamilton so hard on all the skaters by the way? He be like, "Ohhhh, I dunno Sandra, I think she might've had a bit of a two-footed landing there. THAT'll be a deduction." Really, Scott? I choked on a piece of salad today and then fell into a door. How many deductions you gon' give me?

NONE.

'CUZ I'M A GROWN-ASS MAN WITH HIGH BLOOD PRESH WHO NEEDS TO EAT SALAD FROM TIME TO TIME.

Also yogurt!

Just a little bonus pic for all of you true yogurt lovers out there.

Don't act like you ain't seen it before, Wags!

Ta daaaaa!

Follow The Evster @TVMWW.

Best of MLB: Beltre's 2 home runs lift Rangers over A's

Best of MLB: Beltre's 2 home runs lift Rangers over A's

ARLINGTON, Texas -- Adrian Beltre hit his second home run of the game with two outs in the ninth inning, a two-run shot that rallied the Texas Rangers past the Oakland Athletics 7-6 on Monday night for their third straight win.

Beltre, who finished with four hits, had two singles in his first three at-bats before hitting a solo homer in the seventh. His game-winning drive came on the first pitch from Ryan Madson (3-4).

Until then, Texas had trailed since Danny Valencia hit a two-run homer for Oakland with two outs in the first. All 13 runs in the game were scored with two outs.

Texas turned three double plays behind starter Martin Perez, who has induced a major league-best 25 in 21 games.

Valencia also had the first of three run-scoring doubles in a three-run third that gave the A's a 5-1 lead (see full recap).

Blue Jays' Sanchez wins 10th straight decision
TORONTO  -- Aaron Sanchez pitched seven shutout innings to win his 10th consecutive decision, Kevin Pillar had three hits and the Toronto Blue Jays beat the San Diego Padres 4-2 on Monday night.

Sanchez (11-1) became the first Blue Jays pitcher to win 10 straight since Roy Halladay won 15 decisions in a row in 2003. Halladay and Roger Clemens (1998) hold the club record.

Making their first appearance in Toronto, the Padres were held scoreless until Alex Dickerson hit a two-run homer off Bo Schultz in the ninth.

Dickeerson's drive into the fifth deck extended San Diego's team-record streak of games with at least one home run to 23. The 2006 Atlanta Braves were the last National League team to homer in 23 straight games.

Roberto Osuna replaced Schultz and got two outs for his 21st save (see full recap).

Orioles top Rockies for 5th straight win
BALTIMORE -- Adam Jones scored the winning run in the 10th inning on a low throw to the plate by pitcher Jordan Lyles, and the Baltimore Orioles beat the Colorado Rockies 3-2 on Monday night for their fifth straight victory.

Jones reached on a one-out single off the third-base bag and took third on a single by Jonathan Schoop. Manny Machado followed with a comebacker to Lyles, who fumbled the ball before throwing home. Catcher Nick Hundley caught the ball near the ground and lost the handle while attempting to tag the sliding Jones.

Lyles (2-3) was charged with an error on the play.

Getting two RBIs from Jones, the Orioles climbed a season-high 18 games over .500 (58-40) and improved to 37-14 at home.

Chaz Roe (1-0) worked the 10th for the win (see full recap).

Trade candidates — especially Jeremy Hellickson — lead Phils to shutout of Marlins

Trade candidates — especially Jeremy Hellickson — lead Phils to shutout of Marlins

BOX SCORE

MIAMI — Jeremy Hellickson was standing in front of his locker speaking with reporters after his second strong outing in a week against the Miami Marlins when Cameron Rupp walked by an offered his take on all the trade talk surrounding the veteran pitcher.

“He’s not going anywhere,” Rupp said loud enough for everyone in the room to hear.

Hellickson laughed at his catcher’s commentary.

“I hope not,” he said.

If Hellickson really wants to stay with the Phillies and finish out this rebuilding season instead of moving to a contender for the final two months — and possibly beyond — he did himself a disservice Monday night.

He enhanced his attractiveness to potential buyers by pitching six shutout innings in the Phillies’ 4-0 win over the Miami Marlins (see Instant Replay).

Hellickson, who sports a 3.65 ERA in 21 starts, needed just 70 pitches to get through the six innings. He was lifted for a pinch-hitter with runners on second and third and two outs in a scoreless game in the top of the seventh. Ryan Howard struck out, following Cody Asche and Peter Bourjos, as the Phillies whiffed on a golden scoring chance.

“I hated taking Hellickson out of the game there, but we had an opportunity to score and I had to go for it,” manager Pete Mackanin said.

“After we didn’t score, I didn’t think we had a chance to win this game. I just thought that with their bullpen we were in trouble.”

The Phillies ended up winning with a rally against Miami’s bullpen. Tommy Joseph delivered a clutch, two-out double against Fernando Rodney in the eighth to score Maikel Franco from first. That was the only run the Phillies needed. They tacked on three against the sloppy Marlins in the ninth to finish it off.

Hellickson, David Hernandez, Hector Neris and Jeanmar Gomez then combined to allow just one base runner in three innings to finish off the Phillies’ 11th shutout of the season. That’s the most in the majors.

“Our bullpen did a great job,” Mackanin said.

Three of the four pitchers that the Phillies used in the game — Hellickson, Hernandez and Gomez — are very much available for trades. They all pitched well with a gaggle of scouts sitting behind the backstop. A number of contending clubs — the Cubs, Orioles, Giants, Rangers and Blue Jays — had scouts at the game. Pitching, starting and relief, is high on the needs list for most of those teams.

Of course, the Marlins are looking for pitching, too. They have interest in Hellickson, though it’s not clear whether he is a top target of theirs. Maybe he will become a top target after what he’s done to the Marlins in the last week. Hellickson has pitched 14 innings over two starts against the Marlins. He has given up just six hits and a run.

“Just executing,” said the pitcher, explaining his success. “In my last two games the ball has been down for the most part. I’ve just gotten a lot of easy outs. The ball's down and not missing too many spots right now.”

Hellickson will be a free agent this winter and does not appear to be in the club’s future plan. Nonetheless, he has steadfastly said he would like to remain with the club for the rest of this season. Phillies management is not opposed to keeping Hellickson. He provides veteran stability and innings to a young rotation. But management would move Hellickson for a player that has the potential to help in the future.

Trade rumors can be distracting for a player. But Hellickson, who has been dealt twice in his career, is locked in.

“It doesn't bother me,” he said. “Once I'm in this locker room — obviously you still see it on TV and stuff — my focus is on helping us win today. Now it's on to the next start. It's been like this for a few years now so it's pretty easy to go out there right now.”

Mackanin said he had no idea what will become of Hellickson’s fate. But if the pitcher stays, he won’t complain.

“At this point, I don’t want to lose him,” Mackanin said. “I wish he could stay here. He’s that solid for us. He’s been like that the whole year.”

The Phillies needed a good pitching effort to pull this one out. Their hitters struck out 13 times, left 11 men on base and went just 1 for 9 with runners in scoring position.

“We don’t show plate discipline,” Mackanin lamented. “We’re taking fastballs early in the count that are hittable pitches. If you’re going to take fastballs early in the count that are hittable pitches, you cannot swing at breaking balls in the dirt. That’s all I can say about that. We have to have more plate discipline.”

On the positive side of that, Franco and Rupp both walked three times, and Franco’s two-out walk in the eighth became the biggest run of the game on a night when Jeremy Hellickson and his status with the Phillies was the biggest storyline.

Instant Replay: Phillies 4, Marlins 0

Instant Replay: Phillies 4, Marlins 0

BOX SCORE

MIAMI — Jeremy Hellickson continued to enhance his trade value and Tommy Joseph had the big hit in the Phillies’ 4-0 win over the Miami Marlins on Monday night.

Hellickson shut down the Marlins for the second time in a week. The next time he pitches, it could be for them. The Marlins are one of the teams interested in the veteran right-hander. Scouts from several other contending teams were in attendance for Hellickson’s strong outing.

Joseph’s two-out double in the top of the eighth broke a scoreless tie.

Phillies pitching held the Marlins to two hits. The Phils have 11 shutouts this season.

Starting pitching report
Hellickson pitched six scoreless innings and gave up just a hit and a walk while striking out one. He exited for a pinch-hitter after just 70 pitches. The right-hander has pitched 14 innings and allowed just one run in his last two starts, both against the Marlins. He has lowered his season ERA to 3.65.

Miami’s Jarred Cosart came up from Triple A and pitched five scoreless innings. However, he threw 92 pitches. He allowed three hits, a walk and struck out one.

Bullpen report 
Trade candidate David Hernandez pitched a strong seventh inning for the Phils, picking up the win. Hector Neris and Jeanmar Gomez closed it out.

Miami right-hander Kyle Barraclough came up big in the top of the seventh inning. He struck out Cody Asche, Peter Bourjos and pinch-hitter Ryan Howard with runners on second and third to preserve a 0-0 tie.

Marlins right-hander Fernando Rodney struck out the first two batters in the eighth then gave up a four-pitch walk to Maikel Franco before Joseph’s two-out double delivered the game’s first run.

Rodney took the loss.

A.J. Ramos was charged with three runs in the ninth, two unearned.

At the plate
The Phillies survived 13 strikeouts, a 1-for-9 performance with runners in scoring position and 11 men left on base to score the win.

The Phils had just six hits. Joseph had a pair of them and now has 25 RBIs in 54 games.

Cesar Hernandez gave the Phils some cushion with an RBI single in the top of the ninth. Miami’s defense fell apart after that and the Phils scored two more runs to put the game away.

Asche had a hit to break an 0-for-26 skid. Bourjos is 0 for his last 17.

Trade talk
Andres Blanco is out for six weeks so he’s no longer a trade candidate, but others are (see story).

Up next
Jerad Eickhoff (6-11, 3.98) pitches against Miami right-hander Tom Koehler (7-8, 4.42) on Tuesday night. Koehler pitched eight innings of two-run ball in beating the Phillies last week at Citizens Bank Park.