The Evster analyzes the hottest (and 13th best) figure skater of the Olympics

The Evster analyzes the hottest (and 13th best) figure skater of the Olympics

Look, this is not the first time that the world has fallen in love with a figure skater. In 1988, it was Katarina Witt and her perfect OH MY GAWD. In 1992, it was Nancy Kerrigan and her really clean hair. In '98, it was my college girlfriend who could literally jam a whole ice skate inside of her mouth. To this day, I have never seen a woman perform with so much poise. But now -- 16 years after I watched a woman eat a shoe -- there is a new figure skating love of my life. Canada's extremely mediocre, Kaetlyn Osmond.

Now when I say mediocre, I do not mean Kaetlyn's looks. Katelyn's looks are obviously off the charts bonkers. I'm referring to her talent, because after all this is a SPORTS blog, and I am a SPORTS blogger, and I take my SPORPS BLARGLING very seriously. That being said, don't sleep on my college gf. Could literally get the whole skate in there. Laces and everything. Although whenever the laces would dangle out of her mouth it would cause a certain Russian judge to get VERY angry and give her a MAJOR, MAJOR, MAJOR punishment.

Back to Kaetlyn, who is clearly not the besssssttttttt skater in the world, but a lovely one nonetheless. She finished in 13th place in this year's Olympics, which seemed really, really low for a woman who was clearly the most attractive skater in the field. I mean, normally in this world, the best looking people end up on top, so when something goes wrong it makes you wonder. And it got me thinking: maybe this new judging system is just as flawed as the old one. Maybe they took points away from Kaetlyn just because she's so darn sexy. If there's anyone who knows anything about being treated unfairly because they're just so incredibly good-looking, it's me. So because we're Americans, and because we can watch a sport for two days and act like we know everything about it, let's take a look back at Kaetlyn's performances and judge for ourselves.

This was Kaetlyn's opening pose. Now if it were up to me, I would've ended the whole thing right there. Just throw the flowers onto the ice, skate to the podium and start blasting Oh Canada. I mean, have you ever seen a better reaching-back/hand-caressing-her-own-cheek maneuver? Because I haven't. In fact, I have never even seen that move ATTEMPTED (during international competition). The only thing missing is a skate on her hand that she could literally jam completely and totally inside of her mouth. Unfortunately, the Olympic judges did not see it the way I did and once the music started, they made Kaetlyn actually skate during her performance. Whatever. The Olympics are so corrupt. That nail polish tho.

Another incredible move, skating while pulling off the Omega Psi Phi hand sign. Unprecedented. When I was in high school, my basketball team used to do this jawn during player introductions, but then someone started a rumor that if an actual member of the Omega Psi Phi fraternity saw a non-member do that, that they were required to punch that person right in the throat. I can't imagine that rumor was true, nor can I picture some old head with a salt-n-pepper beard leaping out of the stands to punch a stupid teenager, but we seriously stopped doin' that shit IMMEDIATELY. Kaetlyn though, she cannot be intimidated. Her armpits are so, so, so smooth.

Here's a pic for all of you who had absolutely no idea what I was talking about in the previous paragraph.

Here was Kaetlyn's first jump of her routine, the Leaping Lanny Poffo leg kick, another move that no figure skater has EVER pulled off (during international competition). Sure, others have done salchows and twirly birds, but when have you ever seen a woman jump into the air with absolutely no direction whatsoever? It's figure skating improvisation at its best.

This move is like when you go swimming with your stupid 6-year-old nephew and he's like, "Uncle Evan! Uncle Evan! Watch this!" and then he does some sort of jackknife spin kick into the pool. And then his stupid head rises up out of the water and he's like, "Did you see me?! Did you see me?!" and you're like, "Yeah, nice dude," and he's like, "Did you see my move?!" and you're like, "YES. I SAW IT. Shut up," and then you take a drag of your cigarette and try to play it cool but deep down you knew it was a totally sweet maneuver and if you tried it today you'd tear your hamstring in no fewer than 19 different places.

Kaetlyn's not really the most flexible figure skater in the world, but she's certainly more flexible than any woman (or man) that you've ever been with. Look at how much she's straining here. She's really goin' for it, that's gotta count for something. Also we haven't even talked about those naughty black gloves that she's wearin'. Lookin' like Lady Mary from Downton Abs. If Lady Mary gained like 60 pounds and was a figure skater and looked completely different.

Ugh, get over yourself, perfect little bendy Russian girl!

Ashley Wags knows what I'm talkin' bout!

While we're showing pictures of other people, check out THIS DUDE, also from Canada.


His name is Kevin Reynolds -- and he finished 15th in the men's competition -- but whooooooo caresssssszzzz, just look at that head! I have no idea what kind of hairstyle he's going for. I mean, have you ever, in your entire life? There's not one hair on his head that's facing anywhere close to the same direction as any other. How is that even comfortable? I cannot look away.

I simply cannot look away.

I'm with you, Wags!

Good for Kevin, though, you know? At least he's owning it. Standing in the middle of da rink like WHAT Y'ALL GON' DO?

I know what Kevin's gonna do: triple salchow right into the boards. Because he's the 15th best figure skater in the world and seriously falls all the time.

Kaetlyn falls a lot too, which is fine, whatever, these people skate on ICE for God's sake. Why is Scott Hamilton so hard on all the skaters by the way? He be like, "Ohhhh, I dunno Sandra, I think she might've had a bit of a two-footed landing there. THAT'll be a deduction." Really, Scott? I choked on a piece of salad today and then fell into a door. How many deductions you gon' give me?



Also yogurt!

Just a little bonus pic for all of you true yogurt lovers out there.

Don't act like you ain't seen it before, Wags!

Ta daaaaa!

Follow The Evster @TVMWW.

Instant Replay: Coyotes 5, Flyers 4

Associated Press

Instant Replay: Coyotes 5, Flyers 4


Two bizarre goals less than two minutes apart ruined a special night for the Flyers on Thursday at Wells Fargo Center.
Martin Hanzal scored a tie-breaking goal simultaneously while teammate Jakob Chychrun was being pounded in a fight with Brayden Schenn during a 2-2 game.
Then, rookie defenseman Ivan Provorov tackled Brad Richardson, who fell into goalie Steve Mason for a shorthanded goal that counted after review for interference.
That’s one way of losing as hockey game, 5-4.
Notable goals
Brandon Manning, who has been outstanding on both sides of the puck, tried an ill-advised clearing pass up the high slot and it was picked off by pinching defenseman Oliver Edkman-Larsson for a quick turnaround shot to make it a 2-0 lead.
Goalie report
A huge save on Anthony Duclair in the first period by Mason after a turnover from Andrew MacDonald. Mason didn’t look great on the fifth goal. Rushes to the net were a problem in front of him.
Power play
The Flyers scored three against Buffalo. In this one, they had five scattered shots over their first three power plays. That's not going to get it done. But they did get it done on their fifth power play with Schenn diving with his stick extended hit the ice as he tipped Shayne Gostisbehere’s point shot home to tie the game, 2-2. The Flyers were 2 for 8 on the power play.
Power-play points
Claude Giroux leads with six overall.
Penalty kill
There was no Boyd Gordon in this one to take PK draws. That went to Pierre-Edouard Bellemare. Roman Lyubimov had a nice shorthanded move for a possible scoring chance but couldn’t complete it.
Big hit
You've got to like Sean Couturier upending Duclair during the opening minutes of play along the left boards. Duclair later had a fine assist on Jamie McGinn’s goal that gave the 'Yotes a 1-0 lead.
Ryan White had a goal that made it 5-3 late in the game.
Third line
The new third line with Nick Cousins centering Schenn and Dale Weise scored in the second period. All three picked up a point with Cousins banging home the Schenn rebound to make it a 2-1 game.
Chychrun lost to Schenn, who had sent Michael Stone to the boards hard with a legal shoulder check. Stone still assisted on Hanzal's goal that began the madness that saw Arizona get two quickies.
Injured: Forwards Scott Laughton (knee) and Michael Raffl (abdominal pull), defenseman Michael Del Zotto (knee). Healthy: forward Gordon and defenseman Nick Schultz.
Up next
The Flyers will practice Friday at Skate Zone in Voorhees, N.J., and host the defending Stanley Cup champion Pittsburgh Penguins on Saturday night at the Wells Fargo Center.

Report: Sixers exec Jason Wiley led meeting on national anthem issue

Report: Sixers exec Jason Wiley led meeting on national anthem issue

The Sixers' meeting on Thursday to address the national anthem situation on opening night was led by VP of Content and Integrated Marketing Jason Wiley, John Gonzalez reported.

Wiley and team executives decided not to have Sevyn Streeter perform the national anthem because she wore a "We Matter" shirt, according to the report. The team had concerns Streeter would have further protests. 

A member of the Sixers' dance team performed in her place.

Wiley helped book Streeter, according to the report, and had previously worked for Bad Boy Records and had music industry contacts.

CBS3 reported Thursday that Streeter had signed a contract that barred her from making a political statement during the performance (see story).

The Sixers discussed the incident and are considering options on how to address it (see story).

“I think the team, not only do we want to speak up on the matter that happened yesterday, but I feel like we’re now starting to push, like it’s not just about saying something, it’s about making a difference,” Nik Stauskas said. “It’s about going out there and doing something. So we don’t really know what we’re going to do yet, but I know a lot of guys on this team are eager to go out there and make a difference one way or another.”