The Evster analyzes the hottest (and 13th best) figure skater of the Olympics

The Evster analyzes the hottest (and 13th best) figure skater of the Olympics

Look, this is not the first time that the world has fallen in love with a figure skater. In 1988, it was Katarina Witt and her perfect OH MY GAWD. In 1992, it was Nancy Kerrigan and her really clean hair. In '98, it was my college girlfriend who could literally jam a whole ice skate inside of her mouth. To this day, I have never seen a woman perform with so much poise. But now -- 16 years after I watched a woman eat a shoe -- there is a new figure skating love of my life. Canada's extremely mediocre, Kaetlyn Osmond.

Now when I say mediocre, I do not mean Kaetlyn's looks. Katelyn's looks are obviously off the charts bonkers. I'm referring to her talent, because after all this is a SPORTS blog, and I am a SPORTS blogger, and I take my SPORPS BLARGLING very seriously. That being said, don't sleep on my college gf. Could literally get the whole skate in there. Laces and everything. Although whenever the laces would dangle out of her mouth it would cause a certain Russian judge to get VERY angry and give her a MAJOR, MAJOR, MAJOR punishment.

Back to Kaetlyn, who is clearly not the besssssttttttt skater in the world, but a lovely one nonetheless. She finished in 13th place in this year's Olympics, which seemed really, really low for a woman who was clearly the most attractive skater in the field. I mean, normally in this world, the best looking people end up on top, so when something goes wrong it makes you wonder. And it got me thinking: maybe this new judging system is just as flawed as the old one. Maybe they took points away from Kaetlyn just because she's so darn sexy. If there's anyone who knows anything about being treated unfairly because they're just so incredibly good-looking, it's me. So because we're Americans, and because we can watch a sport for two days and act like we know everything about it, let's take a look back at Kaetlyn's performances and judge for ourselves.

This was Kaetlyn's opening pose. Now if it were up to me, I would've ended the whole thing right there. Just throw the flowers onto the ice, skate to the podium and start blasting Oh Canada. I mean, have you ever seen a better reaching-back/hand-caressing-her-own-cheek maneuver? Because I haven't. In fact, I have never even seen that move ATTEMPTED (during international competition). The only thing missing is a skate on her hand that she could literally jam completely and totally inside of her mouth. Unfortunately, the Olympic judges did not see it the way I did and once the music started, they made Kaetlyn actually skate during her performance. Whatever. The Olympics are so corrupt. That nail polish tho.

Another incredible move, skating while pulling off the Omega Psi Phi hand sign. Unprecedented. When I was in high school, my basketball team used to do this jawn during player introductions, but then someone started a rumor that if an actual member of the Omega Psi Phi fraternity saw a non-member do that, that they were required to punch that person right in the throat. I can't imagine that rumor was true, nor can I picture some old head with a salt-n-pepper beard leaping out of the stands to punch a stupid teenager, but we seriously stopped doin' that shit IMMEDIATELY. Kaetlyn though, she cannot be intimidated. Her armpits are so, so, so smooth.

Here's a pic for all of you who had absolutely no idea what I was talking about in the previous paragraph.

Here was Kaetlyn's first jump of her routine, the Leaping Lanny Poffo leg kick, another move that no figure skater has EVER pulled off (during international competition). Sure, others have done salchows and twirly birds, but when have you ever seen a woman jump into the air with absolutely no direction whatsoever? It's figure skating improvisation at its best.

This move is like when you go swimming with your stupid 6-year-old nephew and he's like, "Uncle Evan! Uncle Evan! Watch this!" and then he does some sort of jackknife spin kick into the pool. And then his stupid head rises up out of the water and he's like, "Did you see me?! Did you see me?!" and you're like, "Yeah, nice dude," and he's like, "Did you see my move?!" and you're like, "YES. I SAW IT. Shut up," and then you take a drag of your cigarette and try to play it cool but deep down you knew it was a totally sweet maneuver and if you tried it today you'd tear your hamstring in no fewer than 19 different places.

Kaetlyn's not really the most flexible figure skater in the world, but she's certainly more flexible than any woman (or man) that you've ever been with. Look at how much she's straining here. She's really goin' for it, that's gotta count for something. Also we haven't even talked about those naughty black gloves that she's wearin'. Lookin' like Lady Mary from Downton Abs. If Lady Mary gained like 60 pounds and was a figure skater and looked completely different.

Ugh, get over yourself, perfect little bendy Russian girl!

Ashley Wags knows what I'm talkin' bout!

While we're showing pictures of other people, check out THIS DUDE, also from Canada.

WHAT?!?

His name is Kevin Reynolds -- and he finished 15th in the men's competition -- but whooooooo caresssssszzzz, just look at that head! I have no idea what kind of hairstyle he's going for. I mean, have you ever, in your entire life? There's not one hair on his head that's facing anywhere close to the same direction as any other. How is that even comfortable? I cannot look away.

I simply cannot look away.

I'm with you, Wags!

Good for Kevin, though, you know? At least he's owning it. Standing in the middle of da rink like WHAT Y'ALL GON' DO?

I know what Kevin's gonna do: triple salchow right into the boards. Because he's the 15th best figure skater in the world and seriously falls all the time.

Kaetlyn falls a lot too, which is fine, whatever, these people skate on ICE for God's sake. Why is Scott Hamilton so hard on all the skaters by the way? He be like, "Ohhhh, I dunno Sandra, I think she might've had a bit of a two-footed landing there. THAT'll be a deduction." Really, Scott? I choked on a piece of salad today and then fell into a door. How many deductions you gon' give me?

NONE.

'CUZ I'M A GROWN-ASS MAN WITH HIGH BLOOD PRESH WHO NEEDS TO EAT SALAD FROM TIME TO TIME.

Also yogurt!

Just a little bonus pic for all of you true yogurt lovers out there.

Don't act like you ain't seen it before, Wags!

Ta daaaaa!

Follow The Evster @TVMWW.

Tranquillo Barnetta will not return to Union next season

usa-tranquillo-barnetta-union.jpg
USA Today Images

Tranquillo Barnetta will not return to Union next season

Tranquillo Barnetta is going home.

In an abrupt announcement on Tuesday, the Union declared that the skillful Swiss attacking midfielder will not renew his contract with the club and will return to Switzerland following the 2016 season to play for his hometown club, FC St. Gallen.

According to MLS Players Union, Barnetta’s exit will free the Union of $687,500 next season.

“The entire soccer community here was so welcoming and I’m so thankful to everyone at Philadelphia Union for making me feel so appreciated,” Barnetta said. “Playing in front of my friends and family and making plans for life at the end of my career where I want to live is a force I can’t resist.”

Although the timing of the announcement is a surprise, the move isn’t one. With Alejandro Bedoya now in the mix, currently playing out of position in a box-to-box midfield role, the Union will replace Barnetta with Bedoya at the center attacking midfield spot. It’s a position that Bedoya is comfortable in, playing there with his previous club, FC Nantes.

Bedoya played for the injured Barnetta in the center midfield spot last Saturday and scored his first goal of the season in a 1-1 draw with Toronto FC.

But even with Bedoya ready to take over, the Union will miss Barnetta. Since joining the Union in 2015, Barnetta, 31, has been one of the better possession playmakers in MLS, scoring six goals and seven assists in 37 games.

“Tranquillo has been a key piece in what we’re trying to build here in Philadelphia but we appreciate his decision to return to Switzerland,” said Union sporting director Earnie Stewart, whose club has three matches left in the 2016 season, and will likely make the playoffs. “We look forward to continuing to push for the postseason.”

As Eagles enter bye, Doug Pederson aims to thwart complacency

As Eagles enter bye, Doug Pederson aims to thwart complacency

The Eagles are 3-0. They’re alone atop the NFC East and have been the biggest surprise of the young NFL season.

Doug Pederson’s message to his team: You haven’t done anything yet.

Although the Eagles are riding high, Pederson doesn’t want his team to change its outlook or hard work. That’s what teams have to worry about once they’ve found some success.

“The biggest thing is complacency,” Pederson said Monday. “You think you've arrived. You think you are all that. When that creeps in, that's when you get beat. It's my job not to let that creep in. I've got to keep the guys focused and grounded. I told them this week they're going to travel and go home and people are going to pat them on the back and say how great they are.

“But next Monday, I'm going to tell them, ‘Hey, we're back to work. We're 0-0. This is Game 1 and let's go.’ That's just the way it has to be. You are building for one ultimate goal and that's a few weeks down the road. That's what you are trying to get to. But you can't get there unless you take care of the next opponent. It's my job to keep them focused that way.”

Being 3-0 (they’re one of five 3-0 teams) gives the Eagles a head start, but it certainly doesn’t guarantee them a playoff spot. This is the ninth 3-0 start in franchise history. They’ve made the playoffs just five times in the previous eight. And they recently missed the playoffs after starting 3-0 in 2014 under Chip Kelly.

In NFL history (before this season), there have been 276 teams to start with 3-0 records. Of them, 200 (72.3 percent) have made the playoffs.

“We just have to approach it the same, one day at a time,” Pederson said. “That's the way this business goes. You are on top of the world one minute, and you can be at the bottom of the heap the next. Just got to keep things even-keeled and can't get too high, can't get too low. Approach it the same. Like I mentioned earlier, you can't substitute for hard work. That pays off on Sundays. We just have to stay the course. Again, a lot of football left.”

While the Week 4 bye comes pretty early, the Eagles have a couple key players who will use the time to get healthy. And Connor Barwin pointed out that the bye is coming about closer to the halfway point between when the team started its tough training camp and the end of the season.

Pederson told his players to use the week to get away from football and free their minds. Meanwhile, Pederson and his coaches will use the extra time to self-scout and prepare for the final 13 games of the regular season.

With a first-year head coach and a rookie quarterback who was thrust into action a week before the opener, expectations outside (and perhaps inside) the building were tempered.

The Eagles aren’t an underdog anymore.

“We kind of enjoyed flying under the radar, but obviously a win like this against a team like the Steelers will open some eyes around the league,” Malcolm Jenkins said. “For us, nothing different. We’ll keep our preparation the same. We’ll stick our heads down and focus on the work day to day and understand what’s gotten us to 3-0.”

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