The Evster weighs in on hip, trendy bowling alleys vs. classic, colossal dumps

The Evster weighs in on hip, trendy bowling alleys vs. classic, colossal dumps


"There are two types of people in this world: Those who like Neil Diamond, and those who don't. My ex-wife loves him." - Bob Wiley, What About Bob

In the past decade, a seismic shift has taken place in the world of bowling alley construction. Trendy, bonkers bowling alleys like North Bowl and Lucky Strike have opened up, giving Philadelphia new venues to participate in this ridiculously stupid and super-fun sport. These new alleys combine clubbing with athletics, allowing degenerate weirdos to rub elbows with the social elite. The game is compromised, but the cleavage is increased. Frankly, I'm not sure how I feel about it.

I have spent many nights (and afternoons) in these alleys and have come to see both the positive and negative aspects of the new trend. And while I recognize that we don't necessarily have to choose which type of lanes are better -- because different people are into different things -- this is sports after all, and in sports there has to be one winner, and one pathetic, mustache-having loser. So let's dive deep into these new bowling arenas and decide which type of alley is best: Traditional vs. Trendy.

Oh, Paris Hilton. At least put on the proper footwear.

Clientele

Ever since 1874, when Herman Kleinsdorfen opened up the first 10-pin alley outside of Poughkeepsie, NY (I completely made that up), bowling has been marketed as a social event. Whether you're rolling with friends, family, or a dishrag you found on Match.com, the game is always played alongside the general public. Even at the quietest, emptiest bowling alleys, you may have to share a lane with complete and total strangers. This can either be perfectly fine (if your neighbors know not to walk up during your approach) or a total nightmare (if you're seated next to ugly people).

At the trendy joints, these folks tend to be a bit much. They sit around with their white teeth and their gelled hair and can often be found in the bathrooms ripping lines of cocaine like a Colombian warlord. The women are ridiculously hot, but most have little to no interest in trying to break a hundred. For the common schlub who is used to rolling alongside bowzers, this can be VERY DISTRACTING, but can also be their only chance to smell a woman with really clean hair. The smarter (read: creepier) bowlers use these opportunities to take secret snapshots of ladies with their phones and later show them off to their fantasy football buddies.

Traditional alleys operate mostly as family establishments. Lanes are filled with simple, hard-working people who repeatedly scream at their children to "GET YOUR GODDAMN HANDS AWAY FROM THE BALL RETURN." There are also plenty of young lovers on dates, regulars, and disgusting, sweaty teenagers who fire bowling balls into the guard rails like a bunch of filthy animals.

What the freak is wrong with teenagers? Why do they have to ruin everything? I was once on pace to break 200 when a group of snot-nosed kids thought it'd be a good idea to roll their balls after doing running, jumping spin-kicks on their approach. Every time they let the ball fly, they would scream as loud as they could. Just screaming. Not even words. Just sounds, cranked out by their pubescent, blossoming vocal chords. It was TERRIFYING. And yet, this was fun to them. One of 'em, after launching himself off the ball return, accidentally kicked a 14-pound ball out of his own hand and almost blasted me in the throat. I lost focus, melted down and ended up crapping out on the last few frames. Meanwhile, the screaming dipshit rolled like three straight strikes thanks to his Bruce Lee Kamikaze throwing style.

I can't believe I'm about to say this ...

Advantage: Trendy

That's actually really nice form. Pants are a little long, though

Atmosphere

If you're above the age of 26 and are planning on leaving your couch for the evening, nothing is more important when choosing your destination than ambiance (or more specifically, noise level). 95% of all of my life's decisions are based on how loud or quiet an establishment is. The trendy alleys are LOUD. Music blares through the speakers and it is nearly impossible to hear whatever anyone is saying. (I guess this could be seen as a good thing, as people are generally really boring to talk to, but it always makes me uncomfortable to sip my beverage while trying to nod and maintain eye contact with a person when I have no idea what he or she is talking about.) Then again, trendy alleys do have comfortable couches and cool lights and weird stairs that lead to secret lanes, so I guess that's kinda cool?

Traditional jawns are MASSIVE, echoing with the sound of pins crashing and video games bleeping. THIS IS WHAT BOWLING ALLEYS SHOULD SOUND LIKE. Plus, in between turns you can go for a stroll and disappear for 45 minutes playing Skill Crane while everyone in your party freaks out and threatens to skip your turn.

Advantage: Traditional

Food and Drink

North Bowl's tator tots are BOMB and come with like 37 different dipping sauces. There is nothing -- and I mean nothing -- more exciting in this world than dipping sauces. Also, their tomato basil soup with grilled cheese skewers are fantastic. Then again, WHO GOES TO EAT AT A BOWLING ALLEY? Just give me a cherry soda, a Snickers bar and a few slices of cardboard crust pizza, because I am there to ROLL goddammit, I am there to roll! Although, eating is REALLY FUN and North Bowl's mac and cheese is delicious.

Back to the cherry soda, real quick. How amazing are those old bowling alley soda machines that spit out seltzer water into a plastic cup and then mix it with a splash of cherry syrup. Every time the cup gets to around half-full, I start to panic and think, "Oh God, they're out of syrup! It's just gonna give me straight seltz!" and then wammo! the red liquid shoots out and the soda to sugar ratio ends up absolutely perfect. For anyone reading this who is under the age of 30, I imagine you have no idea what I'm talking about, but oh baby if you did, if you did.

Advantage: Who cares?!

Only one more pair of socks!

Amenities

It's not that I necessarily want to buy a black, leather bowling glove from a vending machine, but I would at least like to have the option of buying a black, leather bowling glove from a vending machine.

Advantage: Traditional

Employees

Not to get all Dateline NBC on North Bowl, but have you SEEN the woofers on the bartenders there? WOWZERS. I get it, they're bartenders and bartenders work for tips, but even the ladies who dish out shoes are out of control.

At the traditional alleys, an employee named Cliff is obviously gonna be better at unjamming the gutters, but omg Cliff can't compete with the G.L.O.B! (Gorgeous Ladies Of Bowling)

Advantage: Trendy

High waists are back in!

Gameplay

Forget all the nonsense you read above, this is the only category that matters. BOWLING IS IMPORTANT. True rollers don't strain our wrist muscles so that we can oogle women or be seen in our new slacks, we're there to mark each frame and get them turkeys! Bowling alleys should have a variety of ball sizes and slick lanes for lubrication and I did not intend for this sentence to sound so homoerotic. The average bowling night out should also reward you with at least 86 high-fives. This is a fact. A medical fact. Unfortunately, I have found that hipsters tend to be way too cool to acknowledge how dope it is when you pick up a pin-sweeping spare.

No matter how much lipstick you put on a pig, it's still a pig. And so bowling will always be a dumb, smelly game that is best enjoyed with other idiots in the armpits of America. Bowling alleys should be bright and booming. They should be filled with uncomfortable, springy swivel chairs. They should be run by dudes (or ladies) with mustaches (and I mean real mustaches, not ironic ones). There should be no time limit on games, allowing you to let your sweaty hand twinkle over a cool fan for as long as you want. I appreciate creative entrepreneurs trying to sex up the game, but this aggression will not stand.

If I am ever given the opportunity to choose where I get to roll, I will pick the traditional alleys vs. the trendy jawns ANY DAY OF THE WEEK.

Except if you're gonna make me go to some shit palace in South Jersey.

I am not rolling there.

No shot.

Follow the Evster @TVMWW

NFL Notes: Chargers withdraw offer to 1st-round pick Joey Bosa

ap-joey-bosa.jpg
Associated Press

NFL Notes: Chargers withdraw offer to 1st-round pick Joey Bosa

SAN DIEGO -- The San Diego Chargers have withdrawn their contract offer to first-round draft pick Joey Bosa and will restructure a new deal that takes into account his absence from the team.

The Chargers' statement Wednesday said they believe "Joey will be unable to contribute for the full 16-game season without the adequate time on the practice field, in the classroom, and in preseason games." They characterized their previous offers to the Ohio state defensive end as fair and structurally consistent with the contracts of every other Chargers player."

Bosa is the only first-rounder who has not signed with his team.

Negotiations stalled over when Bosa's $17 million bonus would be distributed and offset language in the contract.

San Diego said it offered an initial signing bonus payment larger than any draftee received in the last two drafts, and more money in 2016 than anyone draftee except Eagles quarterback Carson Wentz.

Giants: Owner Mara 'comfortable' with Brown suspension
EAST RUTHERFORD, N.J. -- A visibly shaken Giants owner John Mara said Wednesday he was fine with the NFL's suspension of placekicker Josh Brown for one game, despite allegations Brown abused his ex-wife as many as 20 times prior to the Giants signing Brown to a two-year extension last spring.

The 37-year-old Brown was arrested in May 2015, when he allegedly grabbed his ex-wife Molly by the throat and held her down with his knee in their Woodinville, Washington home. Brown was charged with fourth-degree domestic assault. Five days later, the King County prosecutor's office dropped the charges because of insufficient evidence. Brown's ex-wife reportedly dropped the charges.

After the NFL hit Brown with a one-game suspension instead of the six games mandated by the league's new personal conduct policy, Molly Brown told media she was physically accosted at least 20 times, including once when she was pregnant in 2009.

Vikings: Bridgewater: 'Of course' I expect to play Sunday 
EDEN PRAIRIE, Minn. -- Minnesota Vikings quarterback Teddy Bridgewater says he'll play this weekend in the first game at the team's new stadium.

Bridgewater was coy after practice Wednesday about his shoulder injury, but he said "of course" when asked if he's expecting to take the field Sunday for the opener at U.S. Bank Stadium. The Vikings host San Diego, and the third exhibition contest is typically when the starters play the longest in the preseason.

Last week at Seattle, Bridgewater was a surprise scratch from the lineup. Coach Mike Zimmer has refused to discuss his condition.

Offensive coordinator Norv Turner said Wednesday he didn't see any limitations with Bridgewater the day before.

Panthers: Rivera expects Short to get long-term deal
CHARLOTTE, N.C. -- Coach Ron Rivera says defensive tackle Kawann Short is "too important a player" for the Panthers not to sign him to a long-term contract.

Short has one year remaining on his rookie deal. He's outperformed his current contract, recording 11 sacks last season while being named NFC Player of the Month twice.

Rivera said Wednesday that "somewhere along the line, those are good guys, they'll figure it out. I believe they will. ... (Short) likes where he is. We'll see where it all unfolds."

Panthers general manager Dave Gettleman has a policy of not discussing contract negotiations in the media.

Gettleman also does not negotiate contracts once the regular season begins, so the Panthers essentially have two weeks to strike a deal.

Short said last month he has no plans to holdout.

Lane Johnson declares he's done taking supplements

Lane Johnson declares he's done taking supplements

No more supplements, Lane Johnson says. Those days are over.
 
Johnson, who faces a 10-game NFL suspension after a second positive test for a banned substance, said Wednesday he’s finished taking anything that could possibly put him at risk for a career-threatening third suspension.
 
Johnson claims the amino acid he ordered online and took was approved by the NFL but was tainted with a banned substance that didn't appear on the label, the so-called peptide found in Johnson’s sample.
 
Johnson also said he is planning to take legal action against the company that provided him with the amino acid.
 
“Going after them,” he said. “I have people on it to get it done.”

Johnson declined to identify the company that supplied him with the supplement.

Johnson was suspended for four games in 2014. A third suspension would result in a two-year ban.
 
“Seriously, I don’t want to have to go through this again,” Johnson said at his locker after practice Wednesday. “Unless something changes, the policy, I don’t trust anything.
 
“I can’t risk it. If it happens again, I miss two years and I’m just not going to risk that happening. I’m not taking any chances.

"Food and water. That's all I'm going to put in my system. Food and water. No supplements, no powders, nothing."
 
Johnson has been practicing with the second team and playing in the preseason games while he awaits his fate.

Johnson was the fourth pick in the 2013 draft, the Eagles' highest-drafted player since Donovan McNabb was the second pick in 1999.
 
Once Johnson’s B sample comes back — presumably positive, since Johnson has admitted taking the supplement — Johnson said he plans to appeal the suspension. But he said he doesn’t expect it to be reduced.
 
“Even if you prove it (was tainted), there’s nothing you can do,” he said.
 
It would be unusual for an NFL offensive lineman to not use any supplements at all.
 
“Look in everybody’s locker,” Johnson said. “Everybody’s got ‘em. But you just don’t know what’s really in them.”
 
Players say supplements help them not only to build strength and muscle but also in their recovery following games.
 
Johnson insists he can get by without them.
 
“You’ve got cold tubs, you’ve got different stuff you can do, foam rolling, soft tissue stuff,” he said. “There’s only limited (benefits) with that stuff. I think I’ll be fine.”

Meanwhile, he waits.

“It’s like waiting for an execution date,” he said. “It’s been living hell the past month.”

Isaac Seumalo to miss Saturday; Stefen Wisniewski sees game as audition

Isaac Seumalo to miss Saturday; Stefen Wisniewski sees game as audition

Since he joined the Eagles on a one-year deal this offseason, veteran Stefen Wisniewski has been focused on becoming a starter.
 
He’ll get a chance to show what he can do Saturday.
 
Rookie Isaac Seumalo, who has been working as the first-team left guard since Allen Barbre was shifted to fill in at right tackle for Lane Johnson, has a strained pec muscle and will miss Saturday night’s preseason game against the Colts. Wisniewksi will start in his place.
 
And the veteran sees the game as an audition for the starting gig.
 
“Yeah, I definitely think it’s an audition to be the starter,” Wisniewski said. “I think I’ve been playing starter-quality football all camp. And the job’s still open and just going to try to continue to do what I’ve been doing, play really well and show that I can be the starter.”
 
But can he actually win the job? Is there anything he can do on Saturday to keep Seumalo from retaking the left guard spot?
 
“I’m not saying he can’t win it,” head coach Doug Pederson said, “but I’m saying right now I’m not going to let an injury keep Isaac out of the starting rotation.”
 
Wisniewski, 27, has played in 77 career games and has 77 career starts. At the time he signed, he was clearly frustrated that a longer-term deal didn’t come his way. Now, he’s determined to keep his starting streak alive.
 
“That’s definitely my goal,” Wisniewksi said. “I’d be lying if I told you I wouldn’t be disappointed if I was the backup.”
 
Seumalo was plugged into the starting left guard spot just after a less-than-stellar performance against Tampa Bay in the first preseason game. At the time, it was a surprise to some that Seumalo was handed the job, even though he was a third-round pick.
 
Despite Seuamlo’s being in the lead, Wisniewski said he thinks the competition has been fair.
 
“Yeah, I mean, as far as I’m aware, it’s been an open competition and it’s still an open competition,” Wisniewski said. “That’s as fair as it can be. I’ve been getting a lot of reps at guard, so have the other guys. That’s all I can ask for.”