The Evster's tips on how to maximize your sports watching enjoyment during this bonkers time in sports watchingness

The Evster's tips on how to maximize your sports watching enjoyment during this bonkers time in sports watchingness

There sure is a whole lotta wet, hot, sports action on TV these days. From the Flyers-Rangers and #ThunderGrizzlies to Phillies baseball and GRUDEN'S QB CAMP, there's a very good chance you'll be divorced by Memorial Day. Luckily, I'm here to help. Step 1: Take out a massive life insurance policy and bulldozer your wife. By simply following these six basic rules you'll be able to maximize your sports watching and stay covered on your spouse's health insurance plan.

Tip 1: Buy a Backscratcher

It is a fact, a medical fact, that nothing feels better than a backscratch. (I guess it could be argued that getting your hair shampooed at a fancy salon is slightly better, but let's not split hairs here. ZINGER THAT DOESN'T EVEN COME CLOSE TO MAKING SENSE.) During times of high sports-watching stress -- like Ryne Sandberg calling to the bullpen for BJ Rosenberg -- simply grab your trusty backscratcher and scratch your worries away. In a matter of seconds you will forget about everything in this dark, cruel, smelly world as those five razor-sharp teeth tear into your mole-covered skin.

So many claws!

 

Personally, I prefer the Bear Claw™ (only $4.13 on Amazon). It features a comfortable cushion grip handle, telescopic arm and a bear paw shaped metal claw. Perfect for any sized back (and also quite nice on the chest, too). 

Obviously it will be very tempting to ask your significant other for an actual backscratch during this high octane sports period, but I strongly discourage you to do so. Remember, she does not like you. 

Tip 2: Don't Listen to All Those Idiots Who Say Stuff Like, "It's wayyyyyyy too nice out to stay inside and watch TV."

You can, and you will. There will be plenty of nights this summer where you'll be able to dine al fresco. You live in Philadelphia, Pennsylvania, not Oslø, Nørlånd. Stay inside, safe and on your couch, and far away from that giant, flaming ball of fire in the sky. I do not trust that thing. And yes, I realize that the sun is not actually out during nighttime, but it's still stupid to ever leave your house. I lost my car keys at the outlets last weekend and it was TERRIFYING.

Tip 3: Get a Cat

Have you ever watched a game with a real, live cat sitting in your lap? It's so calming. Like, so, so, so calming. You can feel your blood pressure drop while Russell Westbrook shoots pull-up jumpers on 37 straight possessions. Earlier this year I witnessed Ryan Howard whiff at a 3-0 curveball and only because I had Mr. Whiskerson on my lap did I not scream, "WHY DO YOU HAVE THE DUMBEST BUTT" at my television. All because of that furry, little, shitbag. Sure, that cat will shed all over your clothes and your bed will smell like cat piss, but let's be honest your bed already smells like cat piss.

Dope set up, ridiculous hat.

Tip 4: Use an Ottoman at All Times... ALL TIMES I TELL YOU

If you're gonna be spending hours and hours and hours on your couch, you can't be expected to sit up straight with your feet on the floor. This isn't Russia, Danny, is this Russia? Get an ottoman, sink into those cushions and let yourself unflurbolate. There is literally no useful information in this article.

Last week I went to see a doctor because I need a backiotomy and he was all, "Sitting is the worst thing humans can do. We're supposed to be swinging from trees not sitting on couches," and I was like "NOPE, THANK YOU!" and fired him on the spot. Then I realized you can't actually fire a doctor and he was the only medical specialist who took my Korean health insurance. Later he convinced me to start working at a standing desk but joke's on him because I don't have a job.

[nbcsports_video src=//www.youtube.com/embed/7igFN5e1A1w width=620 height=465]

Tip 5: Get Like a Million TVs

This is obviously a dope-ass move, but a little far fetched for a low roller like you. I guess you could just spend every night at the Fox and the Hound but honestly that place sucks so many butts. Then again pretty much every waitress there has dinosaur breasts.

Tip 6: Remember, Nothing Matters

Do you really think the world would be any different if Joe Carter popped out to left? Life is stupid. Go get some ice cream. You're welcome.

Follow The Evster @TVMWW.

Delaware avenges 36-point loss with upset of Northeastern

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USA Today Images

Delaware avenges 36-point loss with upset of Northeastern

BOX SCORE

NEWARK, Del. -- Freshman Ryan Daly scored 27 points and Delaware avenged its worst loss of the season, upsetting Northeastern 69-62 on Thursday night for the Blue Hens' first Colonial Athletic Association win of the season.

Cazmon Hayes added 13 points and Eric Carter 11 for Delaware (8-12, 1-6), which snapped a six-game losing streak that had included a 36-point loss, 90-54, to the Huskies on Jan. 5.

T.J. Williams scored 28 points, the only Huskies player to reach double figures. Northeastern (12-7, 5-2) lost its second straight after an eight-game winning streak.

Three-pointers by Devonne Pinkard and Daly gave Delaware the lead for good at 46-41 with 11 minutes left. A 14-2 run with eight points each from Carter and Daly made it a 12-point lead with two minutes to go.

Delaware made 17 of 22 free throws to 7 of 14 for Northeastern.

Drexel drops to 1-5 in CAA with loss to Elon

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USA Today Images

Drexel drops to 1-5 in CAA with loss to Elon

BOX SCORE

ELON, N.C. -- Tyler Seibring scored a career-high 25 points with seven rebounds and six assists, Steven Santa Ana added 22 points and Elon beat Drexel 93-73 on Thursday night.

Seibring scored 20-plus for the third time this season, hitting 4 of 6 from distance, and Elon led from start to finish. It was Santa Ana's sixth career 20-plus game in just his sophomore season.

The Phoenix hit double-digit 3-pointers (10) for the 10th time this season.

Dainan Swoope scored 16 points, Brian Dawkins 13 and Dmitri Thompson 12 for Elon (11-9, 3-4 Colonial Athletic Association), which hit 25 of 28 free-throw attempts -- including 17 of 18 in the second half.

Elon scored the first nine points of the game and had a 10-point lead at halftime.

Kurk Lee and John Moran each scored 15 points for Drexel (7-12, 1-5). Miles Overton added 13 points and Sammy Mojica 10.