The Evster's tips on how to maximize your sports watching enjoyment during this bonkers time in sports watchingness

The Evster's tips on how to maximize your sports watching enjoyment during this bonkers time in sports watchingness

There sure is a whole lotta wet, hot, sports action on TV these days. From the Flyers-Rangers and #ThunderGrizzlies to Phillies baseball and GRUDEN'S QB CAMP, there's a very good chance you'll be divorced by Memorial Day. Luckily, I'm here to help. Step 1: Take out a massive life insurance policy and bulldozer your wife. By simply following these six basic rules you'll be able to maximize your sports watching and stay covered on your spouse's health insurance plan.

Tip 1: Buy a Backscratcher

It is a fact, a medical fact, that nothing feels better than a backscratch. (I guess it could be argued that getting your hair shampooed at a fancy salon is slightly better, but let's not split hairs here. ZINGER THAT DOESN'T EVEN COME CLOSE TO MAKING SENSE.) During times of high sports-watching stress -- like Ryne Sandberg calling to the bullpen for BJ Rosenberg -- simply grab your trusty backscratcher and scratch your worries away. In a matter of seconds you will forget about everything in this dark, cruel, smelly world as those five razor-sharp teeth tear into your mole-covered skin.

So many claws!

 

Personally, I prefer the Bear Claw™ (only $4.13 on Amazon). It features a comfortable cushion grip handle, telescopic arm and a bear paw shaped metal claw. Perfect for any sized back (and also quite nice on the chest, too). 

Obviously it will be very tempting to ask your significant other for an actual backscratch during this high octane sports period, but I strongly discourage you to do so. Remember, she does not like you. 

Tip 2: Don't Listen to All Those Idiots Who Say Stuff Like, "It's wayyyyyyy too nice out to stay inside and watch TV."

You can, and you will. There will be plenty of nights this summer where you'll be able to dine al fresco. You live in Philadelphia, Pennsylvania, not Oslø, Nørlånd. Stay inside, safe and on your couch, and far away from that giant, flaming ball of fire in the sky. I do not trust that thing. And yes, I realize that the sun is not actually out during nighttime, but it's still stupid to ever leave your house. I lost my car keys at the outlets last weekend and it was TERRIFYING.

Tip 3: Get a Cat

Have you ever watched a game with a real, live cat sitting in your lap? It's so calming. Like, so, so, so calming. You can feel your blood pressure drop while Russell Westbrook shoots pull-up jumpers on 37 straight possessions. Earlier this year I witnessed Ryan Howard whiff at a 3-0 curveball and only because I had Mr. Whiskerson on my lap did I not scream, "WHY DO YOU HAVE THE DUMBEST BUTT" at my television. All because of that furry, little, shitbag. Sure, that cat will shed all over your clothes and your bed will smell like cat piss, but let's be honest your bed already smells like cat piss.

Dope set up, ridiculous hat.

Tip 4: Use an Ottoman at All Times... ALL TIMES I TELL YOU

If you're gonna be spending hours and hours and hours on your couch, you can't be expected to sit up straight with your feet on the floor. This isn't Russia, Danny, is this Russia? Get an ottoman, sink into those cushions and let yourself unflurbolate. There is literally no useful information in this article.

Last week I went to see a doctor because I need a backiotomy and he was all, "Sitting is the worst thing humans can do. We're supposed to be swinging from trees not sitting on couches," and I was like "NOPE, THANK YOU!" and fired him on the spot. Then I realized you can't actually fire a doctor and he was the only medical specialist who took my Korean health insurance. Later he convinced me to start working at a standing desk but joke's on him because I don't have a job.

[nbcsports_video src=//www.youtube.com/embed/7igFN5e1A1w width=620 height=465]

Tip 5: Get Like a Million TVs

This is obviously a dope-ass move, but a little far fetched for a low roller like you. I guess you could just spend every night at the Fox and the Hound but honestly that place sucks so many butts. Then again pretty much every waitress there has dinosaur breasts.

Tip 6: Remember, Nothing Matters

Do you really think the world would be any different if Joe Carter popped out to left? Life is stupid. Go get some ice cream. You're welcome.

Follow The Evster @TVMWW.

Brian Carroll's goal in 92nd minute gives Union draw with Rapids

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Brian Carroll's goal in 92nd minute gives Union draw with Rapids

COMMERCE CITY, Colo. -- Brian Carroll tied it in 92nd minute and the Union escaped with a 1-1 draw with the Colorado Rapids in a showdown of the Western and Eastern conference leaders.

Carroll ran underneath Fabian Herbers' high-arching header and slotted the finish under goalkeeper Zac MacMath from close range.

The Union (5-3-5) responded only 5 minutes after the Rapids (8-2-4) opened the scoring on Sam Cronin's header in the 87th minute. Cronin made a deep run to connect with Marlon Hairston's cross from the right flank, redirecting it into the far corner of the goal.

Both Dillon Powers and Luis Solignac had shots crash off the crossbar for the Rapids after the 70th minute.

The Union extended their unbeaten streak to seven while the Rapids stayed unbeaten in their nine home games this season.

Chase Utley haunts Mets in Dodgers' rout at Citi Field

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Chase Utley haunts Mets in Dodgers' rout at Citi Field

NEW YORK -- Chase Utley hit a grand slam and a solo homer after Noah Syndergaard threw a 99 mph fastball behind his back, and the Los Angeles Dodgers went deep a season-high five times in routing the New York Mets 9-1 on Saturday night.

In a scene that seemed inevitable since October, Syndergaard was immediately ejected following the third-inning pitch -- almost certainly his shot at retaliation against Utley for the late takeout slide that broke the right leg of then-Mets shortstop Ruben Tejada in last year's playoffs.

Plate umpire Adam Hamari tossed Syndergaard, sending Mets manager Terry Collins into a rage, but no trouble ensued between the teams. A longtime New York nemesis, Utley raised one hand slightly in the direction of the Dodgers' bench to keep teammates calm -- and later answered by doing all sorts of damage with his bat.

Kenta Maeda (4-3) shook off an early line drive that appeared to hit him in the pitching hand and threw five shutout innings for the win. The right-hander yielded two hits, both in the first, and snapped his three-game losing streak.

Adrian Gonzalez homered and had four hits for the Dodgers, who spoiled the Mets' 30th anniversary celebration of their 1986 World Series championship. Corey Seager and Howie Kendrick also connected, all after Syndergaard was gone.

Pinch-hitter Juan Lagares homered in the eighth for New York, long after the outcome was decided.

The stoic Utley is playing at Citi Field this weekend for the first time since Tejada was injured. The Mets -- and their fans -- were incensed by the aggressive slide, which led to a change in baseball rules this season designed to protect infielders in what some call the Utley Rule.

But the Mets had not tried to retaliate until Saturday night.

With one out and nobody on in the third inning of a scoreless game, Syndergaard's first pitch to Utley sailed behind the second baseman's back by a considerable margin.

Hamari immediately ejected Syndergaard, prompting Collins to come storming out of the dugout. Collins also was ejected after screaming at Hamari and pointing in his face during an animated argument. The manager was finally escorted back toward the New York dugout by another umpire.

After waiting near the mound with teammates for some time, Syndergaard walked calmly to the Mets' dugout without showing any emotion as the crowd cheered him.

Logan Verrett (3-2) entered for the Mets and, with a vocal contingent in the sellout crowd of 42,227 urging him to hit Utley with a pitch, eventually threw a called third strike past him. But then Utley homered on Verrett's first pitch of the sixth to give the Dodgers a 1-0 lead.

Booed all night, Utley added his sixth career slam off Hansel Robles in the seventh, giving Los Angeles a 6-0 cushion with his 38th career homer against the Mets.

In the series opener Friday night, Utley was greeted with loud jeers and derisive chants. He had four RBIs in a 6-5 loss, including a three-run double that tied the score with two outs in the ninth.

Where are you now?
Tejada was released by the Mets during spring training and signed by the St. Louis Cardinals, who designated him for assignment Saturday.

Trainer's room
Dodgers: RF Trayce Thompson exited in the fifth with lower back soreness. He was replaced by Yasiel Puig, who hit an RBI single off Verrett in the sixth.

Mets: INF Wilmer Flores (hamstring) went 1 for 2 with a sacrifice fly in his fifth rehab game for Double-A Binghamton. Before the game, Collins said it was reasonable to think Flores could come off the disabled list Sunday.

Up next
Dodgers ace Clayton Kershaw (7-1, 1.48 ERA) starts the series finale Sunday night against 43-year-old Bartolo Colon (4-3, 3.44). Kershaw, coming off a two-hit shutout against Cincinnati, is 7-0 with a 1.17 ERA in 10 starts against the Mets. He is 5-0 with a 0.64 ERA in May -- including a three-hit shutout of New York on May 12 at Dodger Stadium. The three-time Cy Young Award winner has struck out 55 and walked two this month.

Soul drop 1st road game of season to Gladiators

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USA Today Images

Soul drop 1st road game of season to Gladiators

The Soul fell on the road to the Cleveland Gladiators, 63-49, at Quicken Loans Arena on Saturday night.

The loss was just the second of the season and the first away from the Wells Fargo Center for the Soul. Quarterback Dan Raudabaugh completed 25 of 44 passes for 342 yards and seven touchdownsi in a losing effort.

The Gladiators were led by receiver Quentin Sims, who finished with 10 receptions for 114 yards and three touchdowns, and signal caller Arvell Nelson who completed 22 of 36 passes for 307 yards and seven touchdowns.

Next week, the Soul travel to Jacksonville to take on the Sharks on Saturday, June 4. The game will be broadcast on CBS Sports and 97.5 The Fanatic.  Kick-off is set for 7 p.m.