The Evster's tips on how to maximize your sports watching enjoyment during this bonkers time in sports watchingness

The Evster's tips on how to maximize your sports watching enjoyment during this bonkers time in sports watchingness

There sure is a whole lotta wet, hot, sports action on TV these days. From the Flyers-Rangers and #ThunderGrizzlies to Phillies baseball and GRUDEN'S QB CAMP, there's a very good chance you'll be divorced by Memorial Day. Luckily, I'm here to help. Step 1: Take out a massive life insurance policy and bulldozer your wife. By simply following these six basic rules you'll be able to maximize your sports watching and stay covered on your spouse's health insurance plan.

Tip 1: Buy a Backscratcher

It is a fact, a medical fact, that nothing feels better than a backscratch. (I guess it could be argued that getting your hair shampooed at a fancy salon is slightly better, but let's not split hairs here. ZINGER THAT DOESN'T EVEN COME CLOSE TO MAKING SENSE.) During times of high sports-watching stress -- like Ryne Sandberg calling to the bullpen for BJ Rosenberg -- simply grab your trusty backscratcher and scratch your worries away. In a matter of seconds you will forget about everything in this dark, cruel, smelly world as those five razor-sharp teeth tear into your mole-covered skin.

So many claws!

 

Personally, I prefer the Bear Claw™ (only $4.13 on Amazon). It features a comfortable cushion grip handle, telescopic arm and a bear paw shaped metal claw. Perfect for any sized back (and also quite nice on the chest, too). 

Obviously it will be very tempting to ask your significant other for an actual backscratch during this high octane sports period, but I strongly discourage you to do so. Remember, she does not like you. 

Tip 2: Don't Listen to All Those Idiots Who Say Stuff Like, "It's wayyyyyyy too nice out to stay inside and watch TV."

You can, and you will. There will be plenty of nights this summer where you'll be able to dine al fresco. You live in Philadelphia, Pennsylvania, not Oslø, Nørlånd. Stay inside, safe and on your couch, and far away from that giant, flaming ball of fire in the sky. I do not trust that thing. And yes, I realize that the sun is not actually out during nighttime, but it's still stupid to ever leave your house. I lost my car keys at the outlets last weekend and it was TERRIFYING.

Tip 3: Get a Cat

Have you ever watched a game with a real, live cat sitting in your lap? It's so calming. Like, so, so, so calming. You can feel your blood pressure drop while Russell Westbrook shoots pull-up jumpers on 37 straight possessions. Earlier this year I witnessed Ryan Howard whiff at a 3-0 curveball and only because I had Mr. Whiskerson on my lap did I not scream, "WHY DO YOU HAVE THE DUMBEST BUTT" at my television. All because of that furry, little, shitbag. Sure, that cat will shed all over your clothes and your bed will smell like cat piss, but let's be honest your bed already smells like cat piss.

Dope set up, ridiculous hat.

Tip 4: Use an Ottoman at All Times... ALL TIMES I TELL YOU

If you're gonna be spending hours and hours and hours on your couch, you can't be expected to sit up straight with your feet on the floor. This isn't Russia, Danny, is this Russia? Get an ottoman, sink into those cushions and let yourself unflurbolate. There is literally no useful information in this article.

Last week I went to see a doctor because I need a backiotomy and he was all, "Sitting is the worst thing humans can do. We're supposed to be swinging from trees not sitting on couches," and I was like "NOPE, THANK YOU!" and fired him on the spot. Then I realized you can't actually fire a doctor and he was the only medical specialist who took my Korean health insurance. Later he convinced me to start working at a standing desk but joke's on him because I don't have a job.

[nbcsports_video src=//www.youtube.com/embed/7igFN5e1A1w width=620 height=465]

Tip 5: Get Like a Million TVs

This is obviously a dope-ass move, but a little far fetched for a low roller like you. I guess you could just spend every night at the Fox and the Hound but honestly that place sucks so many butts. Then again pretty much every waitress there has dinosaur breasts.

Tip 6: Remember, Nothing Matters

Do you really think the world would be any different if Joe Carter popped out to left? Life is stupid. Go get some ice cream. You're welcome.

Follow The Evster @TVMWW.

Even with Jordan Matthews' return, Paul Turner still in Eagles' plans

Even with Jordan Matthews' return, Paul Turner still in Eagles' plans

There were just two things on Paul Turner’s mind as he sprinted across the field early during the third quarter on Sunday, anticipating his first career NFL catch. 

Turner relayed them on Wednesday: 

1. “Make sure you get in [Carson Wentz’s] vision.” 

2. “You better catch this ball.” 

He did both. 

Turner, the 23-year-old undrafted receiver from Louisiana Tech, who has become a fan favorite since his stellar training camp and preseason, caught his first NFL pass during Sunday’s loss to the Bengals and it went for a big gain of 41 yards. 

On his first catch, the Eagles used the play-action to tilt the defense and Wentz threw a dart into a small window to hit Turner on an over route. Then, the rookie turned upfield with a ton of space in front of him. 

By the end of the afternoon, he caught six balls for 80 yards. It was the best receiving day for an Eagles rookie since Jordan Matthews in 2014 and was a better day than last year’s first-round pick, Nelson Agholor, has ever had. 

“It's always good to catch a few balls,” said Turner, who has been on the 53-man roster and active for just the past two games. “It gets your motor going and gets your confidence going. It just gets you more into the game and gets you excited. I think it does a lot for a person's confidence.”

Turner played 41 snaps against the Bengals in large part because Matthews was out with an ankle injury. Matthews predominantly plays in the slot, which is where head coach Doug Pederson and his coaching staff like Turner. 

“Honestly, that wasn't really my mindset going into the game,” Turner said when asked if he knew how much opportunity he’d have with Matthews out. “My mindset was to go in there and if my number was called, just go out there and make a play. Even if my number was called, just take care of my assignment and take care of the little details and I knew everything else would just take care of itself. I knew that if I got the ball, I'd be excited. But even if I didn't, just to go out there and just block, and give up myself for my teammates. That was my goal coming into the game and just try to stay focused on that.” 

It appears as though Turner has done enough to warrant keeping his playing time. As Matthews returned to practice on Wednesday — as a limited participant — Pederson said there will still be opportunities for Turner. 

“There are, there are,” Pederson said. “And these are things we talked about the last couple of days as a staff — getting Paul in there, even with Jordan coming back. I think it can be a benefit to the offense to have both of those guys ready to go.”

The Eagles still haven’t had more than four receivers active for any game this season. During the last two weeks when Turner has played, either Agholor or Matthews were out. 

“It means a lot that the coaching staff has confidence in me,” Turner said. “My biggest thing is just to come in here and just work each and every day in practice and just prepare in practice so I'm prepared when I go out there in the game.” 

MLB Notes: Aroldis Chapman rejoins Yankees on 5-year, $86 million deal

MLB Notes: Aroldis Chapman rejoins Yankees on 5-year, $86 million deal

OXON HILL, Md. -- Aroldis Chapman found a spot in a most familiar bullpen -- a very rich spot, too.

The hard-throwing closer reached agreement to return to the New York Yankees on Wednesday night with the highest-priced contract ever for a relief pitcher, an $86 million deal for five years.

A person familiar with the negotiations told The Associated Press that the contract was pending a physical. The person spoke on condition of anonymity because the deal was not yet complete.

Once it's done, the 28-year-old lefty whose fastballs routinely top 100 mph would shatter the previous richest contract for a reliever -- that was the $62 million, four-year deal Mark Melancon signed with San Francisco just a couple days ago during the winter meetings.

Chapman was acquired by New York from the Cincinnati Reds last offseason, then missed the first 29 games of the season due to a domestic violence suspension from Major League Baseball. The Cuban was traded to the Chicago Cubs in late July and helped them win the World Series, becoming a free agent when it was over.

Chapman went 4-1 with 36 saves and a 1.55 ERA in a combined 59 games for the Yankees and Cubs. He struggled some in the postseason as the Cubs beat Cleveland for their first championship since 1908.

With the Yankees this season, Chapman teamed with Andrew Miller and Dellin Betances in one of the most dominant bullpens in baseball history. Miller was later traded to Cleveland, but Betances is still with New York.

Earlier this week, Yankees general manager Brian Cashman said the team was interested in both Chapman and fellow free agent closer Kenley Jansen. The Yankees had already made one deal at these meetings, signing slugger Matt Holliday, before paying a lot more to bring Chapman back to the Bronx.

Fox Sports first reported the agreement.

Rangers: Gomez reaches deal to stay with team
OXON HILL, Md. -- Carlos Gomez is staying with the Texas Rangers.

The outfielder agreed to an $11.5 million, one-year contract, a deal subject to a successful physical.

"Many of the objectives of the Rangers for Carlos go beyond one year," his agent, Scott Boras, said Wednesday. "Certainly Carlos really enjoyed the team and the environment and feels he's got a great chance to win. So I think both parties' objectives were met by that deal."

Gomez, who turned 31 last weekend, figures to play center as general manager Jon Daniels structured an outfield that includes Shin-Soo Choo in right and Nomar Mazara in left. Ian Desmond left Wednesday for a $70 million, five-year deal with Colorado.

Gomez batted just .210 with five homers in 85 games this year for Houston and was released by the Astros in August. He signed with Texas and hit .284 with eight homers and 24 RBIs in 33 games. An All-Star in 2013 and '14 with Milwaukee, Gomez has a .257 average and 116 home runs in 10 big league seasons.

"J.D. was very clear from the onset about them wanting Carlos back, and we've had communication since the season's end to pursue that," Boras said. "So it was something in our minds and in their minds. It was just a constant dialogue."

AP Sports Writer Howard Fendrich contributed to this report.

Red Sox: Sale not worried about being ace
BOSTON -- New Red Sox pitcher Chris Sale says he isn't worried that he might not be the ace of the pitching staff after being traded from the White Sox to Boston.

The 27-year-old lefty told reporters on Wednesday, "We play for a trophy, not a tag."

Sale was traded to the Red Sox on Tuesday at the baseball winter meetings. He was the top starting pitcher on the market, and the Red Sox gave up touted prospect Yoan Moncada as part of a package to land him.

Sale has been an All-Star for five straight seasons and finished in the top six of the Cy Young Award voting each time. He joins a staff that already includes 2016 Cy Young winner Rick Porcello and '12 winner David Price (see full story).