The Evster's tips on how to maximize your sports watching enjoyment during this bonkers time in sports watchingness

The Evster's tips on how to maximize your sports watching enjoyment during this bonkers time in sports watchingness

There sure is a whole lotta wet, hot, sports action on TV these days. From the Flyers-Rangers and #ThunderGrizzlies to Phillies baseball and GRUDEN'S QB CAMP, there's a very good chance you'll be divorced by Memorial Day. Luckily, I'm here to help. Step 1: Take out a massive life insurance policy and bulldozer your wife. By simply following these six basic rules you'll be able to maximize your sports watching and stay covered on your spouse's health insurance plan.

Tip 1: Buy a Backscratcher

It is a fact, a medical fact, that nothing feels better than a backscratch. (I guess it could be argued that getting your hair shampooed at a fancy salon is slightly better, but let's not split hairs here. ZINGER THAT DOESN'T EVEN COME CLOSE TO MAKING SENSE.) During times of high sports-watching stress -- like Ryne Sandberg calling to the bullpen for BJ Rosenberg -- simply grab your trusty backscratcher and scratch your worries away. In a matter of seconds you will forget about everything in this dark, cruel, smelly world as those five razor-sharp teeth tear into your mole-covered skin.

So many claws!


Personally, I prefer the Bear Claw™ (only $4.13 on Amazon). It features a comfortable cushion grip handle, telescopic arm and a bear paw shaped metal claw. Perfect for any sized back (and also quite nice on the chest, too). 

Obviously it will be very tempting to ask your significant other for an actual backscratch during this high octane sports period, but I strongly discourage you to do so. Remember, she does not like you. 

Tip 2: Don't Listen to All Those Idiots Who Say Stuff Like, "It's wayyyyyyy too nice out to stay inside and watch TV."

You can, and you will. There will be plenty of nights this summer where you'll be able to dine al fresco. You live in Philadelphia, Pennsylvania, not Oslø, Nørlånd. Stay inside, safe and on your couch, and far away from that giant, flaming ball of fire in the sky. I do not trust that thing. And yes, I realize that the sun is not actually out during nighttime, but it's still stupid to ever leave your house. I lost my car keys at the outlets last weekend and it was TERRIFYING.

Tip 3: Get a Cat

Have you ever watched a game with a real, live cat sitting in your lap? It's so calming. Like, so, so, so calming. You can feel your blood pressure drop while Russell Westbrook shoots pull-up jumpers on 37 straight possessions. Earlier this year I witnessed Ryan Howard whiff at a 3-0 curveball and only because I had Mr. Whiskerson on my lap did I not scream, "WHY DO YOU HAVE THE DUMBEST BUTT" at my television. All because of that furry, little, shitbag. Sure, that cat will shed all over your clothes and your bed will smell like cat piss, but let's be honest your bed already smells like cat piss.

Dope set up, ridiculous hat.

Tip 4: Use an Ottoman at All Times... ALL TIMES I TELL YOU

If you're gonna be spending hours and hours and hours on your couch, you can't be expected to sit up straight with your feet on the floor. This isn't Russia, Danny, is this Russia? Get an ottoman, sink into those cushions and let yourself unflurbolate. There is literally no useful information in this article.

Last week I went to see a doctor because I need a backiotomy and he was all, "Sitting is the worst thing humans can do. We're supposed to be swinging from trees not sitting on couches," and I was like "NOPE, THANK YOU!" and fired him on the spot. Then I realized you can't actually fire a doctor and he was the only medical specialist who took my Korean health insurance. Later he convinced me to start working at a standing desk but joke's on him because I don't have a job.

[nbcsports_video src=// width=620 height=465]

Tip 5: Get Like a Million TVs

This is obviously a dope-ass move, but a little far fetched for a low roller like you. I guess you could just spend every night at the Fox and the Hound but honestly that place sucks so many butts. Then again pretty much every waitress there has dinosaur breasts.

Tip 6: Remember, Nothing Matters

Do you really think the world would be any different if Joe Carter popped out to left? Life is stupid. Go get some ice cream. You're welcome.

Follow The Evster @TVMWW.

Best of NHL: Canadiens rally past Lightning for 6th straight win

Best of NHL: Canadiens rally past Lightning for 6th straight win

MONTREAL -- Max Pacioretty scored the tiebreaking goal in Montreal's three-goal third period as the Canadiens beat the Tampa Bay Lightning 3-1 Thursday night for their sixth straight win.

Alex Galchenyuk and Torrey Mitchell also scored to help Montreal improve to 7-0-1. Carey Price made 29 saves to win for the fourth time in four starts this season.

Alex Killorn scored the lone goal for the Lightning, who lost against an Eastern-Conference opponent for the first time this season. Ben Bishop stopped 23 shots.

With the scored tied 1-1, Pacioretty got the go-ahead goal at 10:23 by beating Bishop glove-side. Blown coverage by the Lightning left the Canadiens' captain all alone on the edge of the face-off circle, and Bishop couldn't see the shot with Andrew Shaw posted firmly in front of goal.

Montreal remains the only NHL team still undefeated in regulation (see full recap).

Crosby's late goal gives Penguins win over Islanders
PITTSBURGH -- Sidney Crosby scored the tiebreaking goal late in the third period to lead the Pittsburgh Penguins to a 4-2 victory over the New York Islanders on Thursday night.

Patric Hornqvist, Evgeni Malkin and Phil Kessel also scored -- each getting his third of the season -- to help the Penguins win for the third time in four games and improve to 5-0-1 at home.

Crosby, playing for the second straight game after missing the first six with a concussion, scored with 2:25 left as he caught a pass from Scott Wilson at the top of the crease and quickly turned to his forehand to put the puck behind Islanders goalie Jaroslav Halak.

Kessel added a power-play goal to cap the scoring 32 seconds later.

Marc-Andre Fleury stopped 35 shots while starting for the eighth straight game.

Travis Hamonic and Shane Prince scored for the Islanders, and Halak finished with 31 saves (see full recap).

Streaking Red Wings win marathon shootout vs. Blues
ST. LOUIS -- Henrik Zetterberg scored in the eighth round of a shootout to give the Detroit Red Wings a 2-1 victory over the St. Louis Blues on Thursday night.

Zetterberg's goal gave the Red Wings a six-game winning streak.

In the shootout, St. Louis' first shooter, Alexander Steen, scored but then Vladimir Tarasenko, Kevin Shattenkirk, David Perron, Nail Yakupoc, Robby Fabbri, Patrick Burgland and Dmitrjij Jaskin all came up short.

Gustav Nyquist scored on Detroit's second attempt but Frans Nielsen, Dylan Larkin, Andreas Athanasiou, Tomas Tatar, Riley Sheehan and Darren Helm all missed.

St. Louis had the better chances in overtime. Center Jaden Schwartz missed a wide-open net early in the extra session. Jori Lehtera was stopped on a breakaway midway through the period by Detroit goalie Petr Mrazek (see full recap).

Flyers Hall of Famers return to toast Ed Snider, 50th anniversary

Flyers Hall of Famers return to toast Ed Snider, 50th anniversary

There were times when Rod Brind’Amour didn’t quite feel like a part of the Flyers’ family anymore.

Following eight years rich with memories and victories in a Flyers' jersey, Brind’Amour, a beloved player who changed the franchise on and off the ice, was stunningly traded to the Hurricanes less than a month into the 1999-00 season.

He went on to win two Frank J. Selke trophies (NHL’s best defensive forward) and a Stanley Cup in Carolina before landing an assistant coaching job within the organization.

“You get traded, you automatically think, ‘Well, I’m not what I thought I was,’” Brind’Amour said. “But that wasn’t the case.”

Especially once his phone rang and it was Ed Snider on the other line.

“I got a great phone call before Mr. Snider passed and him telling me what he thought I meant to this team,” Brind’Amour said. “That meant a lot. I really feel connected to the Flyers’ organization again and I’ll take any chance I can to get back and be a part of it.”

A year after being inducted in the Flyers’ Hall of Fame, he was among the orange and black greats on Thursday night at the Wells Fargo Center to toast the team’s 50th anniversary with Flyers Heritage Night. Snider, the Flyers’ fearless and compassionate founder who died in April, would have been all smiles on Thursday night as a pregame ceremony at center ice honored the legends that played a role in fulfilling his vision.

Fourteen Flyers Hall of Famers were on hand as Bill Barber, Brind’Amour, Bob Clarke, Ron Hextall, Mark Howe, John LeClair, Reggie Leach, Eric Lindros, Bernie Parent, Brian Propp, Dave Poulin, Dave Schultz, Joe Watson and Jim Watson came out one by one. Family members of Snider, Gene Hart, Barry Ashbee, Rick MacLeish, Keith Allen and Joe Scott were also present.

The evening was all about family, just like Snider.

Poulin, who captained the Flyers for parts of six seasons (1984-90) and two Stanley Cup Final appearances (1985, 1987), said these are can’t-miss events to reminisce and remember.

“There’s a lot of demands on your time, a lot of different things, it’s busy for everybody and everybody’s got different things going on in their life, but when this call comes in from Brad Marsh (former Flyers player, team’s current director of community development), you’re marking it on the calendar and you’re coming,” Poulin said during the first intermission of the Flyers’ 5-4 loss to the Coyotes (see Instant Replay). “This is pretty special to be out there with this group tonight.”

Since retiring, Poulin, a 1986-87 Selke winner with the Flyers and two-time NHL All-Star, has coached, worked in front-office roles and is now an analyst for TSN. He’s always around hockey and talking hockey.

Outsiders frequently mention the Flyers, one reason why Poulin calls the organization “unique.”

“Still to this day, I have conversations with people that played a long time in the NHL that are incredibly envious of the Flyers,” Poulin said. “I had one as recently as Monday night. I was at a book signing for Darryl Sittler, who has a new book out, and we were teammates here. And I had a great conversation with Syl Apps Jr., who was an original Pittsburgh Penguin. And the first thing he wanted to say was, ‘What about those Flyers, what about that Philadelphia, what about that?’ Guys that never experienced it from the inside were always envious of what they saw, and to a man.”

Poulin said that’s a testament to Snider.

“It was Ed Snider, it was the continuity of a leader that through 50 years — which is unheard of in any industry, any business, let alone a professional sports team — kept it like it was,” he said. “And then everybody assimilated into that. Everybody became a part of it, everybody understood the importance of it.”

During the tribute, Brind’Amour gave Lindros a big hug, to the surprise of many.

“I haven’t seen him in forever,” Brind’Amour said. “It was just fun, when we got out there we just said, ‘It’s nice to be back on the ice again.’ It’s been a long time, I haven’t seen him. I saw [LeClair] last year obviously. But it’s just nice to catch up with these guys and relive some stories. We had a lot of great times, it was nice to see [Lindros].”

Brind’Amour was asked how so many former Flyers from different eras, with families and separate agendas, make such reunions possible.

His found his answer before the question even finished.

“It’s Philadelphia,” he said. “This means a lot to me. To be honest with you, I was out of it, I was doing my own thing and last year, when they did that whole ceremony for me, it just kind of brought me into the fold, that this is important and that they really did appreciate what I did here.”

And Snider, never forgetting any, made that clear with a phone call.

“I think there was a time there where I just didn’t really think that was the case, so it’s meant a lot to me to be back here and be in the fold,” Brind’Amour said. “I love the alumni. … Any chance to get to reconnect with these guys, it just means the world to me.”